Sometimes it is amazing the lift you can get from reading about other people's troubles! I often experience this same cycling. Right now (for about the third or fourth week) all I want to do is lie in bed or write in my journal. Just one or the other. Like you, a previous major pastime was watching television. Even the same reruns. Over and over. Or a movie I had already seen a half dozen times. I seemed to find comfort in knowing what was coming on the screen. (I guess maybe I was feeling it was a pleasant change from life where you never know what is coming.) Other "occupations" in which I have found myself stranded were reading, sewing, and painting. But generally, it is TV. And I really wish I could sleep when I am lying there in bed. At least that way, I could stop obsessing about this or that. But I usually can't sleep. The rest of the time it is just cuddling under a fan and a quilt. Then I have dizzying spells of writing where it goes on for hours and hours. I've already filled one large binder this time around. I keep having to go to the store for more notebook paper. I find it comforting, also, to write out things by hand. Strange, the things we take comfort in.
Hi Marcia
I too appreciate your honesty in describing how a depressive mood feels to you. I can relate to what you are describing as in simplifying and narrowing your focus on a couple of do-able activities to get you through. There are so many varieties of depression...each with their own particular nuances. Sometimes I am more irritable and frustrated during my episode and other times I feel like giving up and sitting motionless. There are times when I feel anxious and depressed and cannot eat and other times I have this low level of despondency...where I eat continuously for no reason. I am very familiar with all my shades of grey.
I am curious about how your blood sugar affects you...are you diabetic? I know that things like diabetes, thyroid problems, and other medical conditions can drastically affect one's mood. It would be interesting to look into how many folks with depression or bipolar disorder have a secondary medical condition. I have Multiple Sclerosis and this disease absolutely affects my moods in an emotional and biological way.
Thanks so much for talking about this from the perspective of your personal experience. It helps a lot. Please feel free to pop on over to MyDepressionConnection to talk about your experiences with depression. I am sure the members there would be most appreciative.
Yes, I am diagnosed with diabetes now. My blood sugar is fairly well controlled, but I don't check it often enough.
In 2009 my blood sugar was just below the threshold for diabetes. I feel my doctor should have ordered a 3-month follow-up visit - but she did not. I went through almost a year of severe depression, living on Three Musketeers bars, and of course, no medication changes my pdoc and I tried did much good.
It was Teri Robert of the HealthCentral Headaches site who said look, girl, you have diabetic symptoms. I called my doctor, had more blood tests, and yes - I was now over the threshold. I started on metformin and almost *immediately* my mood improved. I haven't had so severe a depression since.
marcia, I too tend to do repetitive things when I am depressed and anxious. For me it is mostly watching movies, reading, and eating (though if I am very depressed I cannot eat anything at all). For me it just helps to kill time if anything cause when you are just sitting there having morbid thoughts the days go by soooo sloooow. I also totally understand about how it is hard to do the littlest things. I am just getting over a bad episode and I was shocked at how gross I let my house get. But when you are feeling bad it just doesn't matter.
I really wanted to read your post because you say you have bipolar II. I have been reading up on that lately cause I have always found my mood changes are somehow cyclical but I never have full on manic episodes. Mostly I am either ok or depressed/anxious. I have periods of time where I am just fine, then I will get very anxious adn have panic attacks, leading to depressive episodes. Then one day, I'm fine again. However, my depression never gets really severe, I can usually function throughout.
The thing with doing the same thing over and over is that you never get different results. I find if I force myself out of the rut (i.e. go walk the dog for a while outside) it makes a big difference. but like I said my episodes aren't so severe. Sometimes all you can do is cope the best you can.
I know what you mean. I can't move somedays. I feel "wavy" all the time and hear things in waves. I can't get motivated. I play games on the computer all day and can't remember what I've done. I am depressed all the time. I think about suicide but don't act on it anymore. I did 4 times, but finally realized they just don't work. I don't want to die, I just don't want to be anymore. Does that make sense? Nothing I do makes me happy. I can't even drive my car anymore because of major panic attacks every time I get behind the wheel. I am afraid I will hurt someone out on the road. I start shaking and crying so hard that I can't see. I have to pull off to the side, therefore I have quit driving. I only feel safe inside my house. I love to garden but it takes all my strength and will just to walk out my door and water the plants. I am so tired of feeling this way all the time. I don't sleep at night. If I sleep it's during the day and then it is a very restless sleep. I absolutely hate being bipolar. When I try to explain how I am feeling to my family all they say is "this will pass, you've been through this before", but this time it has lastest longer than ever, over 3 months now and it is not getting any better. It is getting worse. I just don't know what to do. I have been on at least 40 different medications and none have worked. I never feel "normal". Always too depressed or too "high". Is there no middle ground?
What are the options when the forty medications don't work? Is ECT an option? Why not? What about the newer therapies? Magnets to the brain or electronic implant to the brain etc. plus the newer talking therapies as an adjunct to some of these? Not available? There are lots of options but options one cannot access are not really options or opportunities I realize that. The situations make me think of having a broken leg and no opportunity for a cast.The bone is not healing even with a cast. What does the medical profession then do? Just give up and tell the person not to use her leg?
What are the options when the forty medications don't work? Is ECT an option? Why not? What about the newer therapies? Magnets to the brain or electronic implant to the brain etc. plus the newer talking therapies as an adjunct to some of these? Not available? There are lots of options but options one cannot access are not really options or opportunities I realize that. The situations make me think of having a broken leg and no opportunity for a cast.The bone is not healing even with a cast. What does the medical profession then do? Just give up and tell the person not to use her leg?
What are the options when the forty medications don't work? Is ECT an option? Why not? What about the newer therapies? Magnets to the brain or electronic implant to the brain etc. plus the newer talking therapies as an adjunct to some of these? Not available? There are lots of options but options one cannot access are not really options or opportunities I realize that. The situations make me think of having a broken leg and no opportunity for a cast.The bone is not healing even with a cast. What does the medical profession then do? Just give up and tell the person not to use her leg?
Basically, that is what I feel like doing...just giving up. Don't have the money for all those fancy new medications and the old ones don't work. Now what? I have to take a Klonopin just to walk across the yard to my neighbors. My "comfort zone" is my house and if I never leave it again I will be perfectly ok. Is this what is called "life'? Panic attacks, anxiety and crying over stupid things. Tried therapy and that's a joke. WHAT NOW?
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When you are feeling like that: only want to crochet etc., you seem resigned to the idea that your life is just like that? Nothing can be done? What does your psychiatrist/ doctor say... when you are depressed.... just wondering. I guess everybody cant be stabilized to perfection but in my mood group over fifteen years no one just puts up with that... except the ones refusing psychiatry and / or meds.? I only know the people in my group. some rotating through.
Do you get to go see a psychiatrist to monitor your moods, for example once a month. or is that not possible in America I don't know your system but in my system. people are entitled to one visit a month, or more if needed? So what does the psychiatrist say. But i know it is tough to be on a cocktail or dog's breakfast of meds. I met a few bumps in the road when that happened to me after lithium. But nothing like you are describing as if it is just a fact of life. I don't get it. My doctor monitored and stabilized me, as with people in my mood group... I'm not saying your doctor is inept or anything. But do we have to be resigned to periods like you describe??
It is so interesting: people being resigned to severe depression. I'm not used to that: although my last hospitalization lasted six weeks with time off work for an entire year.. Depression and its effects are not unknown to me..yet to me a combination of meds and eclectic talking therapies keeps me well enough to work...for fifteen years since the six week incarceration. I am supposed to have a classic version of the disorder....Maybe it is more amenable to therapy than other, milder versions. I was as ill as a person could be. Nothing would go in or out of my mouth. Paralyzed: Crochet, TV, reading, talking. I couldn't do these. Nor bathe. Some depressions are resistant to medications I realize. and sometimes the drs. are inept. misguided. a second opinion might be required.
For many, many years my doctor had diagnosed me with major depression. It was very dibilatating. He had the opportunity to pursue a bipolar diagnosis when I was up for several days straight, but he didn't pursue it. Finally, because of lack of insurance, I pursued the county psychiatric hospital. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I with mixed moods (in other words I was manic and depressed at the same time, with created road rage, agitation and the like). Once I was placed on the proper medicine I was finally able to hold down a job. Along with that I started have psychotic epidodes. Know as Schizoaffetive disorder. I lost that job due to see $100 bills as $20s, so then I had to be given another type of cocktail mix of meds. Which has been working. One day I did have Bipolar depression and ended in the hospital for a week because they preceived me as being suicidal, it more so wanting to hurt myself no plan in particular. I didn't know I could even have depression separate from the mania. I guess you learn something new everyday. By the way, I am on a lower dose of the psychotic medication. The doctor wanted to cut it out all together, but I too afraid. This job I have been on for 7 1/2 yrs. and counting. I do a repetitive job for the most part. I do make some decision, but its by rules, which I stick to. Some people ask, customers and coworkers ask why don't I move up to management. I'm sticking with what I know. Besides, the managers they are taking about don't make with I do, so what's the point. This is the longest I have every been on a job. It's pretty secure as long as I watch time and attendance. I hope this helps you, sometimes you have to get that second opinion, it could change your life like it did mine. Good Luck to you.