At work I push myself to get everthing done by the end of the week. I don't want to come under the acusing stare of T, my boss. When I get home I want to relax but I can't because I am constantly resupplying my adult children with money. Money I do have, money I don't have and money I don't want to give to them anymore. That's where the pressure it. My kids. I feel like a bad mother if I do not help them. i feel like I am pushing them through the cracks, not just letting them fall between them whenever I say "No". Being home from work should be relaxing but for me it feels like I'm being held hostage.
I bought a painting with my brother 20 years ago for 10,00 from me and an equal amount from him. I just paid if off and now it's above my fireplace worth more than 20x what we paid for it. (Why it took me so long to pay it off) I feel like it's out of place. Because it's mine. I don't deserve it. It's too expensive. It's too "grand" even if it looks like a 4 year old painted it with finger paints. (Cubism). My kids thinks it's cool. But I get the vibe from them that they wish they had put the money toward them. I put money toward them. He drank it away and she bought clothes. They have money put aside for school. They can't touch it. Oh Well.
But whenever I talk to them on the phone I wish it were better for them and I blame myself. Alwyas blame myself. Always.
Marcia:
I perceive that I work best and enjoy working best IF I have multiple things to keep my mind busy and challenged. That is, no one thing that is occupying my brain moreso than any other. This way, I can prioritize (unless someone else dictates the priority) and still, touch each item as I move along.
What I find, as I've gotten older - the seizures are not properly & medically cared for (both mine & my prescribing neurologist's fault) - and my cognitive impairment worsens is... I'm not as capable of "re-focusing" on mutiple things as I once was capable of accomplishing. In other words; I used to thrive on multi-tasking and felt I could multi-task better than anyone around.
It fed the hypomanic energy almost to manic and/or depressive (depending on other external factors). Now, I'm not able to do so due to "other" medical and/or neurological factors and it bothers me.
I still, cannot stand or abide, having NOTHING to engage my brain. I cannot go long periods with nothing to stimulate my brain or challenge it. It agitates and infuriates. If that idleness goes on too long, then lethargy and depression set in... negativity sinks deeply and engrains itself.
To Catheryne and Of 2 Minds:
Yesterday, I took my 16yo daughter shopping for back 2 school clothing.
Having been unemployed now, ongoing 7 months, and within a constant state of prolonged financial straits... she has not had any new clothing since Christmas, thereabouts (except for a bra and 1 swimsuit).
Now folks would think that this wasn't dire. I haven't had any new clothing in well over a year, except for 2 new dresses this summer for interviews.. and well, I still need a bra (haven't had a new one in nearly 2 years).
Some folks would think that I needed to go and get me some new clothes before my daughter got any.. whereas, others would think that I should always get my daughter new clothes and I just do without. Some would think that we should both go to the Salvation Army, Thrift, or other charity shops (which we do, quite often throughout) and forgo ever having anything new.
I will get my daughter something long before I ever get me anything and when I get me anything, I feel that I am taking away from my daughter. So, my guilt kicks in and I cannot enjoy what it is that I get for me.
I do not ALLOW myself to enjoy what I have for me, for I am always feeling as though I am taking something away from her and you know... she also gets into this attitude of "me me me me", without thinking that her mother (me) hasn't had anything for herself in quite sometime.
I have taught her that she comes first and so, she expects to be first.
When I say that I need to shop for me, she counters with "well, ok, but what are you going to buy me while we are there cause I want...?" and when I do not buy her anything, or get her anything, and I explain that I'm needing such and such and we only have enough $ for... then it's "well, it's not my fault you don't buy for yourself. That's your fault, but I still want ______ or I need ____. So, when will I get ______?".
For some reason... I've put myself BELOW everyone around me and have felt myself UNWORTHY in comparison to everyone around me all the days of my life. They haven't done it to me, I've allowed them to do it.
If I were to start reversing it and start seeing myself as equal, above, or as worthy as - then I'd be called "selfish" and "greedy" by the same - surrounding - all along the while - people. Thus, only reaffirming, what they've always called me AND MORE... all along.
All, that in truth by the way, wasn't true.
I think it's a valid question. I don't believe there is any one answer. It's a choice whether we contiune to support our children in times of need. We don't have to, it's our money to do with what we wish. I do support them because I don't want one more person on the streets of Sonoma County.
Right now I am looking forward to going into the hospital and having my stomach bi-opsied. All that glitteres is not fat. 
We'll have to see what it truly is. Right now work is like a treadmill. Working as if I were getting somwhere but actually just walking in place. Maybe this will give me a reason to take some time off. My boss just now sent me an e-mail accusing me of doing something which, again, he can't prove. Did't happen. He lies. I'm tired. My kid's will have to make their own way for a month. We'll see how they do. Actually, they, like I , are looking forward to it.
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I used to love living in a pressure cooker. The more I could accomplish in the shortest period of time, the better I liked it. Tests? I aced them because I adhered to a strict study schedule. Art projects? I finished them well ahead of time and did my own projects for extra credit. Or if my grade was not high enough (an A) I asked if I could re-do the project. Plus I ran at least 5 miles a day, lifted weights, was anorexic, and throve on affirmation and praise. I often stayed up all night studying and working on papers, speeches, projects, you name it.
Of course the first 4 yrs of college, I was fueled by mania. I felt like I was God's gift to the world. I could be anything, do anything... but what I ended up doing was burning out.
There have been other episodes similar to this, but none lasting nearly as long.
Now? Now, I am mostly depressed. A project seems like an albatross around my neck. It weighs heavily on my spirit and mind. I dread deadlines. So, mainly, I refuse to take on anything else. I take care of myself and mother as best I can and that's all I can handle. (And even that is slipping off the edge.)
Donna 1- I read your post on the Anxiety site and I want you to know that I am rooting for you. I don't know you but I could feel the despair/desperation in your post as you described your challenges with your mother. It can be so hard to say no to a loved one- especially your mother. So much guilt and self-condemnation as you realize you need to put your own needs before your mother's- particulary in a situation where it's all or nothing. Keep writing and take care of yourself.