One of my bipolar friends recently complained about feeling “lost.” She said she had no direction or focus. She would start one thing and then switch to something else. She had no clear goal or direction to follow, unlike earlier times in her life.
My friend is an older woman, like me, and I immediately identified with her feelings. Lately, I’ve found myself re-evaluating how I spend my days, or rather questioning the whole thing.
Before, I would simply get up, have breakfast, and start working. I’d spend the morning painting or writing, have lunch, and then tackle my to-do list. I didn’t question my activities, except to complain that the “to-do” list was too long. I always found that even when I didn’t feel like working, it was best to just get started and do it, no questions asked.
This summer I am finding myself in a “time-out,” a space where I am questioning my life and what I choose to do with it. Maybe it’s because I am no longer young and “immortal,” but very much aware of my mortality. I’ve had my chance, over the last six years since retiring from teaching at the university, to do what I love to do. I’ve been painting and writing full time. It has been extremely rewarding, in spite of my bipolar ups and downs.
Yet here I am wondering if immersion in “work” is really what I want to do with the rest of my life. Is this questioning simply my typical need for change in order to stimulate a hypomania and relieve the boredom? I don’t think so. I think this is different, and I’m going to pamper it for a while to see where it leads
Published On: August 07, 2006
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