Do I Really Want to Be Doing What I'm Doing?
Today I am vaguely dissatisfied, moody, fat and sluggish. The doldrums of August? I can hardly complain when we are having beautiful days in the 70s and 80s while much of the country is steaming with three digit temps.
At the beginning of every summer, I tell myself I will spend lots of time outdoors, because summers are so short in Ithaca. But I’m not really an outdoors person, unless I have someone to hike or play tennis with. I used to take a walk every day by myself, but have fallen out of that habit.
Why is it always the good habits that are so easy to break, and not the bad ones? Daily meditation, yoga, walks—poof!
Sometimes I think I get more depressed in good weather than bad, because I berate myself for not leaving the house. Which reminds of what a friend said recently: “Whatever you are doing is what you want to be doing.” So if I am in the house, I want to be in the house. If I am on my computer all day instead of painting, that’s exactly what I want to be doing.
She has a point, and perhaps the way out is not fighting against my inclinations, but letting go. Total acceptance. It’s an interesting theory.
I’ve been reading “self-help” books since I was a kid and found How To Live On 24 Hours a Day in my mother’s bookcase. Self-improvement was always my goal, even though the advice in one book might contradict a previous one. It’s like looking for the perfect mantra that will lead to enlightenment.
Published On: August 18, 2006
Living With6 Chronic Condition Guidelines to Live By
Facing the challenges5 Rules for Bipolar Relationships