You sound angry and bitter, and probably leaving this marriage might be the best thing. I would still suggest counselling (for you) before you do, just to work through the anger and to prepare yourself to leave with the least emotional damage to you and your husband.
But please don't assume that all marriages to those who are bipolar are doomed. Each of us and each of our marriages is unique. In the best situations there is a give and take. In my own marriage, while my husband has to deal with my bipolar symptoms, I have to deal with his problems. We support each other in our own ways, and we both benefit.
Good luck no matter what you decide.
I think you said that well. I too am a bipolar person and I am married to a non-bipolar man. Everybody, bipolar or not, has issues, problems, baggage, etc. I have known many people that were not bipolar and were just as mean, bitter, angry, abusive, etc.... you see where I am going with this. Anyways, I agree with you about what you said. If you truely, deep-down love someone and know that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, you will find ways to make it work and will become better people and a better couple because of it. Every situation is give and take. A person could leave their spouse because they are bipolar and end up in a much worse situation with a non-bipolar person. Just because a person is NOT bipolar does not make them a better person than a bipolar one. We can look at all the many famous people in history that were bipolar and tell that just because you are bipolar does not mean you are a bad person. I am not judging anyone's situation because every situation is different, but as for me and my husband, we do the best we can and are constantly looking for new ways or ideas to "better" my bipolar because we love each other unconditionally. Anyways, lol, I just wanted to say that I really like what you said and I think you said it well and in a non-judgemental way. 
kudos to you! 
Your assertion that "half" of the marriages end in divorce anyway, is pretty consistent with the observational skills of a bipolar! It might do this thread a service to consider that "half" make it and ask what have they done to be successful? Yes, yes, yes, not all of the marriages that stay together will be "successful" by whatever measure you use. However, in general I think its time we begin looking what works versus dealing with what doesn't.
When I was hospitalized a number of years ago, one of the specialist nurses wrote a disertation study on the " bipoloar resilience" exploring the medical term of resiliency in bipolars -- the ability to cope, change, and even thrive with a given disease or ailment. It was the first study to do so for bipolars! That was only in 2005! But the results were pretty amazing. She tracked a number of currently high functioning bipolars that had started out like those of us with "severe" symptomology. It was fascinating! These people were making it. And rather than merely finding coping mechansims (avoidance) these people found ways to help them grow as people and spouses. None were perfect... this aint polyanna, but it did give me encouragement to experiment, and together with my wife find ways to actually accent our marriage.
Just sayn'
-- Bear
ok... wow... as I continued to read many of the sad stories from the comments below, I needed to add some caveats to my original posting.
The reality of this disease makes it difficult to find data points of success to emulate. My heart breaks for those of you suffering abuse in the many forms and flavors this disease imparts. For many of us, focusing on success probably means straight forward "blocking and tackling" fundementals like staying on meds, etc. It certainly does you no benefit to build and refurbish a house built on sand or with rotted support beams.
So please dont take my comments above as glib or judgemental in any way. I'm stoked to see so many others chimming in to help some of you that feel alone. Especially to those of you non bipolars living with one of us. It is hard, and undeniably painful. As well as I seem to be doing now, I regret my many years of shi% I caused my wife. Waking up and deciding to fight back, to fight to be decent, fight to be fair, to fight to be honorable has been a key for me. I have many lost battles, but just deciding to fight gives me energy, hope, and most of all it gives my wife a chance to be proud of the effort. I am the only one in my family that can truly fight the disease no one else can if I won't. Step 1: Just take the damn meds. no more messing around. Just take em.
Grace to you all
In the past two weeks everything in my life has changed. My husband of 18 years is bipolar. He fuses to admit it. He has told me about suffering from depression and taking medication, but has always denied being bipolar. Over two years ago I found a bottle of medication and looked it up on the internet, the medication was one of many used to treat bipolar disorder. Two weeks ago, I found some mail, emails and other documents of other female relationships. He of course denied everything. I did find proof that he is bipolar. He has spent our money on any and everything from the beginning of our marriage. For years I thought I was to blame. He would tell me that it was my fault, I didn't tell him that we couldn't afford it or he would figure out a way to pay for it later. He has never taken responsibility for his actions and I always worked around his spending and reckless behavior. Before everything went south, I asked for a meeting with his mental health doctor. I wanted to get to the bottom of what was actually going on. But for the doctors appointment occurred, proof of the relationships came out. He asked me for an divorce two days later. I'm still very emotional about everything, I tried to talk with him, but of course, everything is my fault. I want to help him. I don't know a lot about being bipolar, but I would never leave him because of an illness. I accept him for who he is, but I know there are many problems and I don't know where to start. His treatment of me over the past two weeks have been awful. He has stopped his direct deposit, closed down our joint account at the bank, and forward our mail all done in three days after he asked me for divorce. He has already started to spend money in excess. I'm a housewife and have been responsible for paying our bills. I know he will spend every last cent of his pay and then realize, oh I forgot about the bills.
Now, I have to be responsible for our children and for myself. I'm trying to stay positive and not get so down on myself. I blame myself for remaining in a marriage for so many years knowing that something was wrong and didn't do anything about it. I'm looking for resources that can help. My family has been very supportive, but they don't know what I'm going through and dealing with.
Denise,
I don't know where to start - other than to say I know what you are talking about. I am working through this same experience right now. We should talk - there are many of us that have been in the same boat and have been lost because we didn't know others were in that boat.
I would hope that we could talk via email. I hope you are doing well now. Either way, it would be nice to hear from you so we could share how to heal. It's a terrible disease with many victims beyond those that actually have the disease.
erikc345@yahoo.com
this sounds exactly what I am going through right now.... except my husband is on adderall & intuniv (trying to switch to lithium) we have been married for 3 years, have a 9 month old an he was just diagnosed this year with bipolar, he in the past was diagnosed with adhd an was like most kids put on ritalin, then took off an now on adderall 20+ years later. he has cycles where literally hes fine go to the bathroom, walk the dog an someone has pissed him off. Its like the BP has totally taken over him, I dont even know him anymore we used to laugh an talk all the time and want to be next to eachother and I know every relationship runs its course where you start not doing as many things together, but like most women I still want to be courted the only thing he thinks about is how he can spend money that we do not have on useless junk, he is our only income and since we cant afford daycare I am home taking care of the baby & house. but to hear him tell it, he runs the show 24/7 an I just hang out. he isnt very involved in our babys life as far as involvment I am not sure if he wasnt ready or he just doesnt know what to do I cant even get him to talk to me everytime we try and talk it turns into a huge argument and I do not want that around my child, so when do you know nature has run its course and its time to leave?
Dealing with BP spouse, married 14 yrs. Officially diagnosed 2 yrs ago. Onset was more like 5 years ago...just thought he was being a Jerk. I have stayed because we have 2 boys. (7 and 9) If I had a chance to leave while they were babies and weren't so attached to him...I would have done it in a heart beat knowing what I know now. He attempted suicide 3 days ago and was in ICU. I found him in a hotel room almost dead. He is compliant with his many meds and dr appts....you just never know. really sad.
I am not a spouse but the significant, live-in, other of a bipolar man. This morning after another tramatic morning of him screaming at the top of his lungs to me and at times to no one at all, I have unplugged every phone in the house. He left for work (late again, my fault again) and approximately four minutes later, the non-stop phone calls began. I have unplugged every phone (9 phone total) in the house to avoid the non-stop all day long telephone calls. This will probably lead him to race home from his job at lunch (45 minutes away) and get a ticket (as he did yesterday driving 80 mph in a 35 mph zone) so that he can "talk" to me. I am an emotional mess. His three children (boys 10, 11 and 13) want to live full time with their mother due to his outbursts, name calling, eratic and disruptive behavior. He spends no quality time with them coming home from work and locking himself in his office, usually watching porn. He is a doctor and many times due to his self-medicating with narcotics and/or cocaine is impaired. When I confronted him about his cocaine use after finding text messages on his phone to and from the dealer, he denied it. I feel guilty knowing he could harm a patient, however I know if I call the medical board he will lose his license. When his 13 year old son found an empty pill/RX bottle on the garage floor with what I knew to be cocaine residue; he said nothing. I have been called every name in the book - whore, cunt, prostitute, fat, a bad mother, white trash, stupid etc many, many times. He has had me arrested for "stealing" his car when I left the house after being called a whore in the car I drive his children in, grocery stop in and generally drive every day. He lied to the local police department stating I came to his office with a spare set of keyes and took the car he had driven to work. Currently he is paying for my attorney because the prosecutor would not drop the case when my boyfriend (after actually being handcuffed, taken into custody by one police department, transferred to another, spending several hours in jail and then waiting to be bailed out) tried to tell the prosecutor it was all a mistake. I sent my only child 1800 miles away to live with her father so she did not have to live in this mess. We have never been apart before. When I have tried to leave, he has made it impossible. He has put tracking on the computers to gain access to my passwords, has taken my new debit card and hidden it when it came in the mail, he had posted a topless photograph of me in an internet chat room, hides the car keys, hides my purse, he sends my daughter long rambling text and email messages telling her what a fuck-up I am what a classless bitch she is and tells me I smell. I am reading what I am writing and cannot believe I am still living with the man. I know he is ill, but I cannot live like this for much longer. I love the man who exits between the manic and the depressive, but it seems like there is less and less of that man. I am fearful that his boys will grow up believing it is acceptable to call all women whores. I feel guilty when I think of his boys, especially the youngest, not having me to hide behind when his father starts his rantings and calling the children names. He will not admit he is sick, despite the fact that 4 wives have walked out on him and has been forced into treatment by the medical board. This is just a few sentences about my life; yes, I believe I am fighting a losing battle.
My experience is somewhat similar and I have been looking for other survivors. I was married for 6 years, together with her for 8 years. When the screaming, yelling, name calling, and threats took place I always felt like - I may have stepped on her feet, I may have hurt her feelings, but she was always coming back at me with a shotgun when all I did was step on her feet. The arguments were completely irrational and so was the behavior. Nobody is perfect. I know I'm not perfect. But I also KNOW that she had a complete inability to rationally respond to me. I always felt like her anger was directed at someone else besides me.
Anyway, I know how you feel. I would love to hear from you and talk one on one. I think it would help us both heal, learn, cope, and grow. It is NOT normal to deal with something like this. It's not their fault. But it's not YOUR fault either, especially if you are reaching out to them and willing to work with them and offer them help. In my situation, she refused to recognize she has a problem and has refused to recognize that I am willing to work with her and help her. So, I have been left to figure it out on my own. That is why I am here reaching out to other survivors of bipolar syndrome - those that are not diagnosed with the illness, but are suffering the consequenses.
I don't know if we'll ever be able to talk directly but do know this - it's not your fault. Stay strong, stay positive, seek help from others. And if there are children involved, do everything in your power to ensure they're safefty.
erikc345@yahoo.com
Girl, you need to listen to the words you are telling yourself. You know you need to get out. Your heart has aready given you the answer. The only question now is How are you going to do it. Well from reading just that short Blog I can see you are a smart girl. Take a minute and think about it. If you wanted to disappear where no one would find you, how would you do it? And if you wanted to try and make sure the boys were safe before you left, how might you do that? I know you have ideas on this... if you dont feel they are good enough, or if you just don't feel confidant maybe throw it out to the fellow bloggers.
Point is you need to go. And perhaps the sooner the better from what it sounds like. Good luck and best wishes to you no matter what you decide.
My husband is bipolar and I truly am fighting a losing battle. He is verbally and emotionally abusive. Scared to stay. Scared to go.
Good way to put it I feel the same way!!!! Scared to leave, scared to stay!!!! We've been married 11 1/2 years and have 3 children. When he's taking his meds and going to counsling everything is ok but alot of times like over the past month he is not he tuns into this mean angry impulsive person has decided he wanted to move out so "i can't hold him back by forcing him to take drugs "meds" that make him feel like a puppet" he says he doesn't need to answer to anyone Long story short, is it better for the kids to stay???? or better to get off this roller coaster for good and go? it sounds like an easy choice to someone who hasn't walked in our shoes.
For myself, I have come to the conclusion that it is beter to leave. I have a son and providing a healthy, stable environment is top priority. My husband is just so angry day-to-day that I am concerned for our safety. Wish my husband's family was a little more involved to help out. They act like a diagnosis of bipolar is like having a doctor tell you that you have a cold. They all "hope he feels better real soon".
I feel like that most of the time, I have been with my partner for 25 years, he is loving and kind but the yelling and other BP attributes drive me crazy its like you know you do it so why dont you just stop but unfortunately they dont. I love my partner very much and he does try to do the right thing, although he delibraty forgets his medication a couple of days nearly every week and when I remind him i get the "you think a pill will cure everything" speech in the usual vindictive tone that the BP person likes to use, and which I just cringe and become resentful to him and to make matters worse I belittle him in retaliation our relationship now is quite rocky after so many years of different hurts to each other and the thing is that even tho I know I would find someone else if we split and sometimes think I'd be better off, I love him, to me he tries to be the perfect partner for me and I guess I see that this counts, he is defiantly my Superman and Clark Kent rolled into one. I really hope this helps someone maybe to understand that sometimes the relationship is worth fighting for and boy have I done some of that lol
All I can say is that I have felt like you do for 25 years, i dont think it truly changes unless the BP person takes their medication regularly there was some time when my partner did so and life was so much easier but now when I have to remind him I get the "You think taking a pill will cure everything" speech in his typical BP vindictive tone, I don't want to nag him, I just know that if he doesn't take it we will all suffer including him. I love my partner and he does try to be a good partner and that is why have stayed but we have had some turmoil in our relationship, all I can say if his heart is good then maybe you can get through it and sometimes it doesn't feel like their heart is good and it does get confusing, I suggest to attend counselling together continously even always having a six week review so things don't build up and issues can be dealt with in a safe environment
All the very best to however reads this
I feel like I am going to burst into tears, I felt like I was the only one who felt this way and had these experiences. I left my bp significant-other a year ago. I turned 40 and realized half my life was over, if I was lucky to live to 80. I had/have a four year old with this man. Turning 40 made me ask myself if I wanted to live the rest of my life this way, the answer was no. Without getting into the details (although I just feel like purging my soul after reading everything), it was ugly when we were together and leaving him has been downright horrible. There have been times over the last year I have asked myself why did I leave him, it was easier just to be with him. But, I have persevered, held strong, and learned a lot about myself as well. I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He will always be in my life, he is our son's dad, something I do feel strongly about. My son loves him and he does love our son. I just didn't want to raise our child in that toxic atmosphere, and with time I feel like our son will come to understand the reasons I left. As he is getting older, he is seeing it without me ever having to disparage his dad (which I never do). I have felt so guilty over the last year, leaving a sick person, but its not an excuse for deplorable behavior of another human being. People compare it to leaving a spouse with cancer, I disagree. A spouse with cancer is usually thankful for the care and love they are receiving, not bitter and mean. I can go on and on, but I am thankful to find 'all of you' and I hope I can further discuss this with some others. It has been very hard, so hard and lonely. But there is hope, I am finding happiness again and I KNOW I did the right thing.
she was beautiful, smart, funny and ambitious. she said she loved me and i was her world. we felt like the only people on earth. after 18 months, it fell apart. she would hit. she would scream all night long. she would hurt herself. she became pregnant, it got worse. the post-partum was brutal. she never believed i married her out of love. she destroyed every car she got behind the wheel of. here's the timeline:
November 2004 Julie physically attacks Richard, breaking her nose in the process. While 911 is called, Julie takes herself to the hospital, where she requires extensive surgery. LVMPD responds to the 911 call, but a story was told Julie was covered for.
March 2006 Julie reveals her gambling habit.
She had passed bad checks at The Lakes Lounge
She had taken out short-term high interest loans at least 3 different loan facilities
Julie’s 1st car dies from neglect. It is stolen from the parking lot of Ted Wein’s (Sahara and Rainbow)
April 2006 Julie is arrested by LVMPD during a routine traffic stop for outstanding tickets. She spends the night in CCDC
Julie has a breakdown in our place of work. She cuts herself open in her office and is admitted that night to an inpatient mental health facility
She returns after 5 days in bad shape. Within a week, she moves out. She requires Richard’s co-signature to secure an apartment.
Six months later, she moves back in the home.
2006-2007 Julie is written up at work several times for her behavior. She is contentious with co- workers. Her superiors ask me to address her lack of attention to hygiene.
April 2007 Julie causes an accident wrecking two cars. The contents of her wrecked car are stolen by the tow-truck operator. When Julie goes to the LVMPD’s Southwest Command to file a report, she is arrested for outstanding traffic violations. She spends the night in CCDC.
May 2007 Julie hits a pedestrian. She is given a minor moving violation. The victim’s illegal residency status prevents her from following through.
May 2008 Julie reveals she has relapsed and was gambling again. She had taken out loans at loan facilities (Star) and passed bad checks at Magoo’s (Sahara and Rainbow) She had forged checks to pay back the loan facility.
June 2008 Richard pays off Julie’s bad check at the Bad Checks unit of the RJC
October 2008 US Marshals appear at the house with a warrant in Julie’s name. They make arrangements and Julie clears the warrant in court.
November 2008 Again, US Marshals appear at the house with a warrant in Julie’s name. They make arrangements and Julie clears the warrant in court.
And then there was the time . . .
- Julie lost much needed money playing three card Monte on the bus
- Julie left her $1500 year-end bonus on the roof of her car as she drove away, losing it
- Julie got drunk at a work function and drove home in a blackout, messing up her car’s front end
- Julie got drunk and flooded the master bedroom of our rental
- Julie lied about paying the electrical bill, ran up a $1000+ balance that was paid down by Rich’s boss out of a sense of charity, all without Richard knowing
- Christmas ‘08 was effectively canceled when Julie used all of our holiday money to pay off a warrant
- Julie forged checks in Richard’s name so the checking account repeatedly overdrew without Richard knowing why
- Rich had to hide all the knives because Julie was hording sharp objects to cut with
then she left. out of the clear blue. she said she didn't love me, that she loved someone else. a man with 3 kids who earns $11 an hour. she couch crashes. she says i abandoned her in the hospital. she was a bloody screaming mess, and i couldn't have her around our daughter. i had a friend drive her to the hospital. and she says i abandoned her. i was always here, loving her. she abandoned me.
My husband has recently been diagnosed bipolar. Next week, he will start his meds and hopefully start therapy on his own. I've already been going for myself to learn how to deal with this.
Over the past 3 years, our marriage has deterioriated dramatically to the point where I don't want to be around him, have him touch me or feel any warm feelings about him at all. I'm trying to be loving towards him, but I can't. I'm hurt. I'm disappointed. I'm angry. And he doesn't understand and gets angry when he's clearly being nice to me and i don't respond the way he expects me to respond.We have a 3 year old son that we are both crazy about. It breaks my heart to think of taking him out of the only home he's ever known and putting him through a divorce. He loves his father and his father loves him. It would break my husbands heart for me to do this to him. But I just don't know if I can stay unless he makes a full committment to get better and work on our problems together.
I want us to be a success story but I know I can't do it alone and I have to protect myself and my son from an unhealthy living environment.
I am the wife of a bipolar husband and we are currently in the process of getting divorced. We were together for 4 years before we got married and we have been married for about 2 years. He was able to hide it for many years and there was always and excuse or an explanation to explain away the many incidents that happened while we were dating. As a rule he seemed kind, generous, fun. After we got married though he was unable to hide his problems from me anymore. He would drink to excess and drive. He would spend the time that we were together putting me down and criticizing everything about me. He would get angry and destroy expensive things. I should add that his destructive behavior was usually towards me and my things. He would push me away when I would reach out to him and only want to be close to me in the most superficial ways. Deep down he resented me and began to hate me all while he loved me and he would even still have his moments of kindness and love.
The funny thing is that I don't believe in divorce. But God says that you need to have peace in your home. Every married couple has arguements but in general you need to be fighting on the same team and fighting for each other and not against each other.
I got to the point where I didn't have the self esteem to stay with him anymore and it started to look like I was going to have to worry about my physical safety. I had just enough strength to pack my things and leave. I never knew how hard that would be and I don't know how I made it this far but there is that poem that says that it is at the most difficult times in your life when you feel that you are alone and helpless that God carries you through.
Do everything that you can, but know your limitations and don't be afraid to save yourself.
You are a very strong person. I myself have been hanging in there for 3 years. 3 weeks after we were married (lived with him for 6 years first) my husband had a very bad breakdown. No one including himself told me he was bi-polar, and without a psych degree I was clueless. I thought he was sweet & outgoing. I didn't know he was compulsive, I thought he was spontaneous. I was devastated that I had to admit my husband of only 3 weeks into a psych ward. So far I have stayed. He is not destructive nor abusive. But thanks to his family he is on disability. He does nothing. He sleeps all the time (why he's sooo tired I will never know). I am sooo lonely it's not even funny. What will happen if I ever need help, I mean I need it now but he is never there for me, he never thinks there is a problem. The anger I feel for not being able to be given the opportunity to say, yes I will take this on, or no.....I'm not strong enough is more than I can bear. The guilt I feel for even thinking of leaving him is so bad I'd rather cheat on him, but I can't do that either. I have morales also, but I am sooo lonely it hurts, it hurts so bad I feel like someone is squeezing my heart and will not let go. He is a mere shell of the man I used to know. He keeps getting skinnier and skinnier, yet I'm the only one who notices. His family......thinks everything is just peachy. They let him drop out of high school, they let him stop taking his meds. In fact he had not taken his meds for 10 years.....so long that they forgot he was sick.
Honey I want you to know that I know exactly where you are coming from. I am no stronger than you are. Staying with him for so long almost killed me & it wasn't until one day I almost didn't put on my brakes when I was driving home from work because I felt that putting on the brakes to save my life was just more than I could do.
I am sure that you are doubting whether it is as bad as you think it is & if you are making too much out of this. You are not. Everyone's situation is a little different. The woman below who doesn't want anyone to tell her anything other than how to stay with her husband & is still strong enough to carry the load for both of them & more power to her. Maybe she will be able to do it for the rest of her life. I wasn't strong enough to keep going & my choice was to leave & live or to stay and either slowly die or actually die because my life didn't seem worth putting my foot down on the brake I was so unhappy.
I have never met you but I want you to know that I care about you and your life & your happiness & your safety. I care about every single person who writes on this page or who hasn't found it or who hasn't thought to look for it.
I want you to know that God loves you and wants you to have a good life. No, God won't make your life perfect or smooth but he did promise that you would always have the strength deep down through him to overcome the trouble in your life. I don't believe that God would tell you that you had to stay in a relationship that was abusive because leaving would be a sin. I just don't believe that the God that I have come to know in my life or in the bible would be cruel in that way. God is loving but firm. I look back now and I can see that God put up barriers to our marriage & that my mistake was in marrying him not divorcing him. I carried both of us for years & I almost didn't make it but with God's help I was able to crawl out. I should say that I was unable to help myself but God was the one who carried me out of the situation that I was unable to protect myself from on my own. I don't know how I got through it but I did & I know that it had nothing to do with my strength because that left me a long time ago. I have always been drawn the the poem that I posted below because it is descriptive of what life is like when you have nothing left to give, nothing left to fight with, no strength & somehow through some miracle you are carried through the situation & you know that it was not because of you but because of some power outside you that protected you and carried you when you were unable to carry your own weight. Read it & think about it & pray to God for guidance & pray to God help you see what he wants you to do.
I don't know if there is anyone who can understand where you are coming from if they have not lived it but there are so many of us out there who know your pain and who are wondering what to do. I had no idea that other people were really going through what I was going through & that maybe my situation was a little worse or better than theirs. I read through what everyone said & knowing that I wasn't alone or that I wasn't crazy or unreasonable helped me a great deal.
I hear the pain in your words & I have to tell you what I would want someone to tell me. If you have nothing but the clothes on your back leave. If you can sit down and look at your financial situation, your family, & your friends & see what your options are do it but don't let that stop you. Go and stay with a friend, go and stay with your parents, go to a church & ask for help. Just go. If you were telling me that you are happy like the woman below is & you just need advice I might say here let me tell you what I did that was helpful. But after reading what you told me let me tell you this... My leaving was the best decision that I could make. It saved my life! My X used to try to tell me that no one would ever love me the way that he did & I told him that that might be true but there was always the hope of it. Now I say I hope no one will ever love me the way you did because it almost killed me & I try to laugh about it. I smile more every day & I have found wonderful caring men & maybe one day one of them will love me in a good way. Honey I didn't know how unhappy I was until one day I started to feel good again & even though life is still hard I am happy to be alive & I put the brakes on every day several times a day without a second thought.
Read the poem, pray, find support from family, friends or even strangers. Write again if you want to talk. I will check my email to look for a response. I care about you & I don't want you or anyone to be in the pain that I was in.
Footprints
Also Known As "I Had a Dream"
One night I dreamed a dream.
I was walking along the beach with my Lord. Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, one belonging to me and one to my Lord.
When the last scene of my life shot before me I looked back at the footprints in the sand. There was only one set of footprints. I realized that this was at the lowest and saddest times of my life. This always bothered me and I questioned the Lord about my dilemma.
"Lord, You told me when I decided to follow You, You would walk and talk with me all the way. But I'm aware that during the most troublesome times of my life there is only one set of footprints. I just don't understand why, when I need You most, You leave me."
He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you, never, ever, during your trials and testings. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you."
I just want to say thank you for this post. It took me some time to get through it because I was crying so much. I have stood by my husband of 33 years as he has destroyed me through his selfish, impulsive and compulsive behavior.
I have visited other bipolar spouse support sites but have never quite connected as I have today. You have trully saved me, as the only reason I brake everyday is because of my children who are wonderful productive adults of whom I am very proud.
I am too emotionally spent to tell my whole story today, but am hoping I can email soon for support and understanding. I so need others who understand without pity. I have no real friends, only "surface" friends because I have hidden the way I live because I am soo embarassed. I am hoping to find support to help me find the joy in life that I have long forgotten.Thank you...
My eyes are full of tears reading this pain and frustration. It is cold comfort that so many of us are out there. Please know I for one and many here reading and sharing absolutely understand the roller coaster of drama, unstable crazy behavior, our own ambivalence and guilt, and the ultimate battle fatigue.
I am unusual in that I suffer from bipolar 2 but am well controlled the past 18 years except for a bad period 3 years ago. I come from a large family riddled with the disorder. My mother married my father not knowing he had it, and she herself came from a family where her mother had it (both my dad and maternal grandmother had the worst kind - bipolar 1), then they have five children, and out of them 3 are bipolar the other two have addiction and depression. Then there are aunts and cousins of course who have it.
Now in a late life 2nd marriage I find myself with a man who calls himself bipolar but actually is not (I know the symptoms and vagaries very well). He is narcissistic, alcoholic, ADD, anxiety and constant depression. I cannot to begin to tease out which is causing which, or even if his past head injuries are contributing.
But I am struggling with ambivalence on leaving, because of his kind qualities, and because he rescued me from my bad spell 3 years ago. I suppose there is familiarity because my father was so unstable, frequently cruel, alternating with extreme interest and kindness and my current spouse repeats that pattern.
I feel all the joy sucked out of me, I can't have people around him because I never know what inappropriate thing he will say or do.
The first two years were pure hell, he had terrible anger, breaking my belongings, screaming obscenities for hours, I left many many times but he was remorseful and I caved. Later he changed to a medication that got rid of the extreme irritability but he is still a depressive who gets high or drunk on something every day and just hides in his room watching sports. He is 'high functioning' in that he runs a small business and does okay in that arena.
Six months ago for the first time he physically attacked me and tried to eject me from our home, and choked me. I called 911 and in this state of zero tolerance, he was arrested and given stiff penalties including 52 weeks mandatory anger management. He was and is furious at me for that and still blames me for 'setting him off' (I had made a comment that he should visit or call his elderly mother more often and that is when he went for me. )
I am isolated geographically from my support (family , adult children), have a couple supportive friends here.
He has a history of suicide attempts that he describes as just situational.
I have struggled with leaving him simply because I really have no where to go. I am in my mid 50s and do have some money to support myself, albeit very modestly, but not here in the expensive community I live in.
Im afraid I am complicit in this mess in that I have indulged myself as some kind of reward, by traveling and indulging my interests, in lieu of having a happy home life, and he tolerates that.
I know with certainty there is no easy way out and no easy way to stay either unless I live a life of quiet desperation where everything I used to like about myself ceases to exist.
He thinks all is perfect with us, because I have given up asking for anything from him, I leave him alone to his tequila/pot and whatever else. We do nothing in common and are really a mismatch, except that he is resonant of my father, and apparently my bar is so low with men, I took him on.
With all the hell Ive been through with him, I do care for him in a maternal way (he calls me 'mama' by the way), and due to the isolation he is my only constant company. When I contemplate leaving I feel a fear I will regret it, only because I will miss him (when he is in sweet phase).
I have read of something that happens to those of us in this situation, it is called 'traumatic bonding'. In a nutshell, a person in this high intensity painful relationship can become MORE attached to their partner than if they were more on the normal end of the continuum of mental health. And each passing week and month and year makes separation and leaving that much harder, because the traumatic bond, and the isolation, draw you tighter to your tormenter.
I only wish there were a relatively pain free way to escape, without guilt, without worry of his harming himself, without my feeling lost when I dont have his needs to be concerned with.
Hello everybody!
My husband was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder a few months ago. Currently he is in a mental health hospital and he seems to be on good medication and he is doing better. I am 26 and we have been married for 7 years. I have to say when i read all the other comments I got really scared. We have been married for 7 years and it has been a rocky road. He could never hold a job, he was not able to stay home with the baby he couldn't even stay home by himself. He gained lots of weight there were lots of times when i thought our marriage was over.
BUT
I am committed to him. I love him. We did not know he was sick when we married, I had no idea. Now, with the diagnosis I am happy to finally know what has been wrong all these years. I am glad I am now able to get him the help to get better. I am still grateful to be his wife and I thanked GOD on many occasions that I have him in my life. My husband is my best friend, the smartes and nicest person i know. I am staying with him. And I know for a fact that if anything was to happen to me, he would do the same thing.
Yes, we had horrible ups and downs in our life, and I am sure that there is more of it ahead. I am thankful for evrything I can learn about life and about GOD through him.
I realize that in the previous comments, a lot of people talked about abuse and if it ever got to that point, I would have to leave. We have two kids and I would not expose them to anything that would hurt them in any way.
On a different note, I know many girls that were hit and abused and cheated on by non bp husbands. SO I don't believe that this can only happen in bp marriages. Thank godness we have strong moral values and we have strong testimonies of our faith.
I have had lots of friends and family, even his mother, suggest to me that I should leave my husband. Here is what I told them: "I love my husband and I will help him through this. Yes, I am human and I will call you up some days and tell you can't do it. Then you have to tell me that it will be all okay, because it will be. I need you to help me on my bad days. I don't need to know how to get out of this, i need to know how to get through this. If you keep telling me to divorce, you can't be my friend anymore." All my friends and family are with me on this.
I would love to hear some success stories on this page.
Hi there
Just read your notes, I am 47 years old and have been married to a Bi Polar for 14 years, have 3 chirldren and still love my wife. It's been difficult, she has been hospitalised 3 times and only recently went through another episode. I've often described it to friends as living my life with egg shells all over the ground and trying not to break them when walking around. I understand that the insults she throws at me are not personal but at times it's very difficult not to bite back and argue with her - all this simply does is throws petrol onto the fire. The impuslive behaviour is very difficult to deal with but what upsets me the most it the embrassing behaviour in public - this has caused a lot of my friends to walk away from us and do not want to socalise with us as they will be associated with her disruptive antics
I know the forward going years are not going to be easy - a weak person would walk away as would a strong person for self preservation but i am neither. I do not want to split my family up and the children need a mother. It is always going to be a very difficult situation as my wife refuses to take medication and refuses to accept she has a problem. I have been accused of betraying her 3 times each time when she was forcibly hospitalised.
I cannot offer you much advise but wish you luck for the future.
James
You are a very strong person. I myself have been hanging in there for 3 years. 3 weeks after we were married (lived with him for 6 years first) my husband had a very bad breakdown. No one including himself told me he was bi-polar, and without a psych degree I was clueless. I thought he was sweet & outgoing. I didn't know he was compulsive, I thought he was spontaneous. I was devastated that I had to admit my husband of only 3 weeks into a psych ward. So far I have stayed. He is not destructive nor abusive. But thanks to his family he is on disability. He does nothing. He sleeps all the time (why he's sooo tired I will never know). I am sooo lonely it's not even funny. What will happen if I ever need help, I mean I need it now but he is never there for me, he never thinks there is a problem. The anger I feel for not being able to be given the opportunity to say, yes I will take this on, or no.....I'm not strong enough is more than I can bear. The guilt I feel for even thinking of leaving him is so bad I'd rather cheat on him, but I can't do that either. I have morales also, but I am sooo lonely it hurts, it hurts so bad I feel like someone is squeezing my heart and will not let go. He is a mere shell of the man I used to know. He keeps getting skinnier and skinnier, yet I'm the only one who notices. His family......thinks everything is just peachy. They let him drop out of high school, they let him stop taking his meds. In fact he had not taken his meds for 10 years.....so long that they forgot he was sick. If your husband can still function "normally" I wish you all the best. Mine cannot.
I am so glad I found this blog. I have been married to a man for 28 years that was always diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder for many years. I begged and begged for answers of why things kept happening. He has been through 15 jobs at least. Many short term disabilities and moving up and down the east coast finding jobs that he could work at. Put him through 4 years of school with 2 small children. He was admitted into a mental hospital when the younges child was only 3 months old. After his Father passed in '95 things got really bad. He was finally diagnosed with Bipolar II in '04. We got him on permanent disability. I have been to therapists and Psychyatrists with him telling them of his behavior. Today I just give up. He has them so believing that he is not a bad or mean person. I go in and get so upset with what the therapist says to me because he belives I am the bad person. I have to do everything too. I worked for many years. I found it very hard to work when you go to bed feeling so bad about yourself and get up the next morning wondering why you are here. Just for him to let me know that I am at fault for everything. A lot of times I cry and cry just wondering what I am suppose to do. The other day I got on Facebook looking for friends I graduated with. I was not hiding anything. He saw that I was on through e-mails. He told me to get off. So I got off. My two girls told me to get on and not tell him. I couldn't take the consequences if he found out through neighbor by accident that I was on. I am glad that I found this to hear I am not the only one. It is really hard getting yelled at for nothing all the time. Good luck everyone with whatever decisions you make. It is very hard. I feel really bad for him but how much more can I take.
I was looking for recent posts. If there is anyone who would like to chat or share stories I am also struggling. I've been married for 10 years to a man who I just found out was bipolar a year ago and it has been a roller coaster ever since. We go for days or even weeks where he is the most loving, sweetest husband imaginable and then all of a sudden he hates me, never loved me, can't stand me, can't wait until his "fortune" arrives and he can leave me. What?? (BTW there is no fortune.) Two days ago he loved me more than anything and was the dream husband and now he can't stand the sight of me despite nothing has changed? You really need alot of self esteem to deal with it. When he is going through these rages I ask him to look me in the face and tell me he doesn't love me and wants me to leave and wants a divorce and he won't answer. It is such a vicious cycle. I have to say I think sometimes he has no memory of the evil things he says when he is going through these rages? When you deal with it for so long your moods start to mimic theirs. I sometimes pack my bags but the kids are crying (we have two) and I don't want them to end up in therapy like I will be soon. I just don't know what to do. I am a Christian and have strong beliefs in marriage and staying together through the rough times. I just never knew rough times would mean dealing with a mental illness. It is so hard to separate yourself from the illness and not view it as verbal abuse or to take the remarks personally. I know if I leave he will be at my doorstep begging me to take him back. His problems stem from his parents abandoning him so I worry if I do the same and abandon him he will become suicidal (he has in the past). Anyway, it's a hard decision to make when you have been with someone so long and I love him so much I will be weak to his pleadings. And I struggle with my two girls seeing how I react. I don't want them to think it's ok to run away from a marriage but I also don't want them to think it's ok for someone to verbally abuse you.
I know how you feel. My mom is bi-polar and has been in remission for the last 5 years. She had a lot of episodes and when she was finally diagnosed, I read and learned alot about bi-polar. My husband is bi-polar, but it is in terrible denial of it. He says he is ADD and has been diagnosed ADD by a Dr. that has only taken his story, not mine. We have been married 16 years almost 17, we have two sons and he left our home 10 months ago. Within 3 weeks, he left, filed for divorce (which we cancelled after $20000 in legal fees because he didn't really want one). It has been a horrible roller coaster ride, but I like you believe in marriage and commitment and don't want to give up. I just tell the boys their dad is not well and he doesn't mean to do the things he does and that he loves them very much. Since I know bi-polar can go in remission with the right medication as my mom, I believe their is hope. I am just trying to get me husband home so I can get him properly diagnosed to be on his way to a healthier life. My husband hasn't been faithful, has spent all his money after we separated finances, and doesn't feel he needs a traditional job. Thank god I make a good living, and I separated our finances when he moved out and filed for divorce, this way he can't spend my hard earned money anymore and I know I will have financial security. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, we just have to go deep enough. Good luck to all who are enduring this horrible condition so many have in this world today.
I would really like to talk to someone and your story sounds very similar to mine. My husband has not cheated on me as far as I know, holds down a very good job, and when he's the man I fell in love with he is wonderful, but when his mood changes he is verbally abusive and throws and breaks things. Most of the time I am the target. He calls me names, says that all of our problems are my fault and that I don't know how to be a wife or a mother (we don't have any children together). I am a Christian and I get caught between wanting to be Christ like and help him in any way I can to wanting to run just to keep my sanity. I divorced him last year, but still I love him, talk to him, and spend a lot of time with him...I just don't want to live with him or have our money in the same bank account, but this is no way to live either. Why do I keep loving someone and wanting to grow old with them, but not wanting to live in the same house? The way things are now if I see that he is in one of his moods I just don't go to his house or go out with him, but that is hard because then the insults and criticism start. How do I let go when I know there is a wonderful, loving, caring person inside? I don't want my phone number posted on the internet, but would like to talk to someone. I thought I was all alone until I found this website.
There are so many Comments that I want to reply to that I get lost at who started the thread. I feel very similar to "lostandconfused". If I leave him he will have no one, but then maybe there is someone out there that is stronger than me that can deal with his issues...I thought God put me in his life because I am supposed to be that person, but I'm not sure anymore...I am tired.....
I can completely relate. We actually met in church and I take some blame for letting God out of our marriage. Anyway it has been a roller coaster of a year. When people ask why I haven't left I tell them it will not make a difference he will still bother me and love me/hate me it will only be a longer drive for him to get there to do it. :) I always question myself and whether or not I'm doing the right thing staying with him especially with children involved. It is not easy but as you said a person suffering with this is a very loving (and scared and emotional) person deep down and they really do love you. I don't think they can control it when it happens (the rages) and then they don't completely remember doing it. My husband will curse me out and call me every name in the book and then he is the sweetest most sensitive person I know for weeks. It's very strange. I think that it's a cry for help but at the same time they are adults and cannot do things that are unacceptable without consequences. If you would like to talk let me know. I will give you my e-mail. I know when I've been through difficult times it was nice to have someone to talk to who could relate to my experience and just help me ride the waves.
I just read your story and sympathize with you. I have been married for 21 years to my husband who was recently diagnose with a mood disorder/ bi-polar. He can be a good person, but over the years had been extremely controlling, and at times abusive and had spent most of our marriage blaming me and or wanting me to change everything to suit his needs! It sometimes feels hopeless. He is now getting help, but he has hurt me so much through the years, that I am just not sure if the scars are too deep for me to continue living a life with him.
I feel like I am all alone sometimes and have kept his behavior secretive with almost all family and friends, until recently, when I could no longer take the pain of his abuse and mood swings... I am currently trying to give it another chance, but I don't want to get my hopes up.
I wish you well in your journey. Keep a positive attitude that there are better things to come for you down the road. Peace to you... Theresa
Thank you for your response. We have been divorced for almost a year now. He has been seeing a counselor for almost 3 months and seems to be much happier. We have been seeing each other and we have a very good time together, but our marriage left some deep wounds that I am afraid won't ever heal. He wants to forgive and forget, but it's hard for me because I was on the receiving end of all his anger. I didn't lash out at him like he did me. I wanted to try and make things work because I knew if he got help then I might get back the person I first met, fell in love with, and married. Even though it seems at times like that is happening, I am afraid if I make any permanent committments to him, the mood swings will return and I will be right back where I was a year ago. I don't know if we should keep working on our relationship or just go our separate ways. I can't enjoy each day for worrying about what might happen tomorrow. I'm not very trusting right now and don't know what to do.
My ex never cheated on me, but I echo the comments on this website...he blamed me for everything bad and grew verbally abusive. It got so bad, I didn't even know him anymore. I lost myself, I stopped looking people in the eye and cried every day. We divorced. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Since then he has been asking to get back together. He seems dedicated to his meds and therapy, but i'm worried that once we get back together he'll relapse.
We don't have kids, but I'm scared that if we get back together and have kids I won't know what to do if things go bad. Can it work? I'm also scared that if it does get bad, I won't be able to stay. I don't think I'll be strong enough to go through another episode. I love him, and I've never stopped loving him, but I'm afraid.
I'd be willing to talk to you. I don't know how to do that unless you email me. I am in the same situation as all of you. I think it's getting better now with a new attempt at meds (but he was on meds before and it didn't help) and attempting to stick to a sugar, caffeine, alcohol, and gluten free diet. I now have a child and, like someone else said, don't feel like I have the energy to deal with both. I don't like the eggshell thing. I am always wating for the other shoe to drop. I look at how things are right now, thinking they're good, then reminding myself that I've been here many times in 13 years. The love and fun in between, the "just one more time and I'll go" the "my child won't witness the suicide attempts and vicious name-calling, fabricated plots, self-loathing, etc..." I'd talk to you. Just don't know how without everyone else emailing me, too.
I dropped off the blog for a long time. I am sorry. To "Tired" out there, go ahead and email me at jessesgirl@fastmail.fm
I decided to file for divorce, moved with our son, got his name off the accounts, etc. It is SAD, but it got really bad--another suicide attempt and serious, hospitalization. New meds for him. Hope it works.
If you still need to talk--please go ahead and email me.
Merry Christmas to all of you!
I have been dating a wonderful guy for ten months now. He has been the most understanding, supportive, encouraging, kind person I have ever known. He told me that he has BiPolar in the beginning of our relationship and I didn't think anything of it because I have never known anyone with bipolar or known anything about it.
About six months into the relationship I learned some hard truths about his past. That he had cheated on his ex (multiple times) then divorced her saying he didn't love her. That he has had innumerable sexual relationships between his divorce and meeting me. He has lied to me about a lot of little things, like his age, the kinds of food he likes, how many sexual partners he has had in the past. I actually caught him attempting to talk to other women (or get involved with them, I don't know, he said he never meant to actually meet up with them....). He said that he missed me sometimes and when he did, he would reach out online, or call an ex-girlfriend instead of reaching out to me. He said he has learned from his mistake and doesn't want to lose me and has given me all of the passwords to his (known) email, facebook, myspace, bank, etc accounts.
I wan to believe that he can be honest and that this wonderful person that I am dating is real and valid. But knowing that a lot of bipolars seem to have an issue with filandering (sp?) and he has already had a problem with this in his past, I don't know that once the "wonderful newness" of the relationship wears off, he won't resort back to that again. I have been prone to "co-depenant" and abusive relationships in the past and don't want to subject my kids and/or myself to that again.
But I don't know what to do.... He is on medication that he takes religiously, he is in therapy and goes about once a month. He seems stable now, he admits he has an issue and seems to want to work through it and overcome it, not use it as a crutch. Do I give this person who seems to be the most amazing guy I have ever known a chance... and take my chances? Or do I admit that I have been through enough in my life from my past relationships and not risk it?
I know no one has answers, but maybe people out there who have been through similar situations can give me some advice or tell me what to look out for.
LEAVE.... and I don't say that lightly.... I am OLD (AARP old) and work with mentally ill kids.......and YET, I became engaged to a man I've know for a long time, AFTER meeting with his shrink who told me he was doing well....
Unfortunately, his shrink doesn't live with him.
He was and can be the kindest, most supportive man in the world UNTIL bipolar rears it's ugly head and then he yells, and threatens, and calls me names, and mostly recently hacked into my email account and tried to get money out of my bank account. (we did not co-mingle funds because bipolar folks spend money like crazy during mania....
I had to make the horrible decision to leave him after realizing that at best it will stay the same, and at worst, it will make ME crazy...........
Without REAL intervention.....REAL recognition on his part......therapy (bp folks don't take well to talk therapy)
It will not improve
You're young
get out
glad I found this site & the posts...to this poster, my only advise at this time - keep yur independence - that is what I lost & it has affected my life tremendously. I'm unable to write more at this time - will be back --- and hope I can offer more help to you, too.
Personally, I feel very alone & reading has at least made me feel others experience a similar life with a bi-polar partner - it really makes a huge difference to finally find others in this situation.
It's been very difficult for me lately & hope to be back here soon.
I can only say that I knew there was something wrong with my spouse (married 10 years and 2 children) when I met him. His history was sketchy, holes in stories, behaviors were a little "funky". The day he showed me his "true self" was the day we got back from our honeymoon. It has been a roller coaster ride since (addictions, affairs, neglect of children, arrested etc.). I adore him and he made me feel about a person a way I never imagined. I have a very good profession and am pretty level headed. Since we have been together I have had to go bankrupt, in therapy, and shamed of some of the behaviors I have accepted and tolerated. I say everyday had I known I would have never married him and ran for the hills. My love is real and after all a person experiences with someone bipolar, I don't know if they really know how to love someone and I feel i deserve that in my life. So just take this advice carefully and really evaluate. Listen to the feeling in your stomach. It's always right
Can I ask a few questions? Just to better understand for my situation. I would like to hope (as love always does) that people can be different, that my situation may be the "exception to the rule" so to speak. I know that this is probably impractical, but I do want to make a rational decision, because I do love him, but I also love myself.
How long did you date your husband before you all were married? Was he taking medication or seeing a therapist? Did he tell you or know that he had bipolar?
I know that I have a tendancy to be in denial and no one can know but me. I don't want to jump to conclusions either way.... I would so love to have him really be who he seems to be, but little issues keep popping up. I don't want to make the same kind of mistakes again: hoping and believing that someone will change when they won't. What I am reading on here about people in relationships with someone who has BP is scary. I don't know of anyone out there who has said their relationship was easy, or even healthy. I want to listen to my gut, but right now, I don't know what it says.
Has it gotten worse for you? I swear just when i think it's getting better something outrageous happens. I am so tired of being the root of all his problems. He seems to get it together just long enough to make me believe he is trying then he throws a wrench into the situation. For example, he lost his job (got fired due to his manic episode) and is going to run out of unemployment (over a year later) and he has done NOTHING to find a job and now its' my fault because I cost him a good job. I am so depressed and overwhelmed
Hey there. He was diagnosed 3 years into our marriage. We dated for over one year before living together, then about another year before marriage. He offcially "lost it" the day we got back from our honeymoon and it has not stopped since. He will have good days, good months, then it turns bad. Prior to his being incarcerated it was progressively worse. After his incarceration back in April, he had it together. No substance abuse, stable mood, regulated meds, etc. About three months later, back to smoking, drinking, and not taking meds properly. It is almost one year since he has been out and we are back at the same dead space we were at before. I am planning to leave with my children after the summer. I can't go through this anymore because I am losing my life and he is not ready to get it together. I thought we were the fairy tale. I don't want you to make decisions based on my screwed up life but if you are both not on the same page and he has to be willing to continue therapy and meds and accept his illness otherwise you will be spinning your wheels for the rrest of your life. I think the worst feeling is when I speak to him onthe phone and know his mood before I even see him and know that NOTHING i do will stop an explosion. I am tired of feeling helpless. Write back
My husband was only diagnosed about a year and a half ago. He had suffered from depression for years. Otherwise I had always noticed odd behavior like constantly changing jobs/careers, spending sprees. It wasn't until we moved across country away from our family and also started experience serious financial problems that the mania and severe mood swings set in. Our home is in foreclosure, we are behind on car payments, and even though I am the only one paying bills it is always someone elses fault that he isn't earning money. It was when he started trying to have online affairs and I caught him that he begged me to get him psychological help. He told me he felt "messed up in the head". He went to two appointments, took meds for about a month and now won't go back to dr and won't take meds. The only reason I stay is because when he is feeling good he is the sweetest husband imaginable and I guess I always hope this time it won't end but it always does. I start to see the mood shifting and he will either go into depression or it's this other mood where he hates me and the world and wants to leave, etc etc. But when I ask him if he doesn't love me or does he want a divorce he won't answer the question. I know it's because he does love me and doesn't really want to leave but I also shouldn't have to put up with being treated badly during this particular mood. Have you experienced anything similar? How do you handle his mood swings? I get depressed and cry and end up drinking wine to numb the pain and then of course he uses that against me.
Please reconsider any longterm relationship. I am currently married (10yr) to a BP man. It has been great, it has been awful. I love him dearly but if given the opportunity to do it again, I'd pass. It is a very difficult road, and my husband takes his meds, does therapy, etc. Never does Bi-polar get better, and for the spouse, it is draining. Thank goodness our children were grown when we married. I was married before to an alcoholic, so I too became a co-dependent, another reason NOT to marry a BP person. Get yourself together first then, see about a healthy relationship!
It's been about 6 weeks since I posted what had been happening with us and for the last 6 weeks everything was going great and he was my sweet, supportive husband. Now suddenly last week he goes on a spending spree even after I begged him not to and now he is in another extreme state of depression. He starts off by telling me he doesn't feel right mentally and asking for help but then doesn't want a doctor's appointment. Then he completely shuts us out. I may have made the mistake of having him see a psychiatrist awhile back because my husband said all he did was talk about brain chemistry and meds and wouldn't talk about the "issues" (meaning his difficult childhood). It was a traumatizing childhood for him and of course I took in the "injured puppy" many years ago and now I don't know how to help him. Yes, I may have contributed to creating the monster but he is a grown man and has to take some responsibility despite his illness. When he's in these moods he suddenly becomes irritated about everything in the house like one dirty spot on the floor or something not sealed properly in the fridge. I just look at him in shock and amazement at the insanity of it all. Of course it's times like those I don't do anything right so I just ignore him and tell him if he doesn't like it to do it himself. I love him but I won't be surprised if we do not grow old together. A sane person can only take so much craziness before they become crazy too.
I have been married to my husband for 19 years and he was diagnosed with bi-polar about 5 years into our marriage. We have had every up and down you can think of all the classic bi polar things from spending sprees to drinking to hyper activitity and crazy thought of grandeur. We started seeing a pychologist who has dealt with other patients with this and it really helped. As the spouse you tend to get cut off from everyone and feel very lonely when the person you love is having a episode. I found after all these years that you have to have a tough skin you have to make time for yourself and have your own friends. It helps if you can get to the stage where you can tell everyone in your circle about the disease. It know at first it is embarressing and you want to hide the fact that your husband has a mental illness but I find it is a great weight off my shoulders when everyone know why he is acting this way. You would be surprised how many people have someone in their family or close friends with the same thing. The most important thing is not to blame yourself and have a strong sense of who you are so when he starts blaming it all on you, you can realize its the illness and carry on. My husband is a wonderful loving man who wishes more that anything that he did not have this illness but the way I look at it now is it is the same as having cancer or some other serious disease.
Man oh man, do I see and hear myself here. I have stayed and stayed and stayed and I still don't know why. I have a warped sense of duty and obligation for sure. I am sooo stinking tired of being the "constant" in my BP husbands life. A friend of mine said He doesn't live in your world. You live in his. What a fine way to put it because everything seems to revolve around his health issues and now this bi-polar. He's been messed up for a while but we never knew what. I thought we could get through this together. Now I know we can't. I am tired of my life revolving around his triggers, his anger, his name calling and the loss of my self esteem and the ever shrinking circle of my life. I may have my issues but who made who here?? I AM NOT THE PROBLEM. I loved you but you have got to go in order to save what is left of me.
RUN GIRLS RUN........unless you want to be your husband's keeper for the rest of your life.
I am scared after seeing the posts on here. I have been married to my husband for 5 years and have two children with him, but I just found out he had an affair recently as well as one 3 yrs. into our marriage. He seems willing to go get help but I am at a crossroads in my life where divorce is a very viable option and wonder if I should get out while my girls are little. I love him, he is a great Dad, but as someone above put, I am always living in "his" world. I often feel that I must always be the stable one and that there is noone to take care of me. I am often walking on eggshells with him, even after he just had this awful affair and hurt me in so many ways he seems to find a way to almost blame me. Are there any success stories? Is it possible to live happily or am I just in for a continually painful road ahead?
I agree with you! My husband goes through these mood swings and at times he gives me the silent treatment and hates me but then can't make a dr appt, can't find a pill he needs, or doesn't have a warm meal!! Then despite his hatred for me can't do anything without me. I feel like I have been enabling him but don't have the strength to walk away.
I can't believe I found so many people that share this story! I have been with my husband for 7 years and married for 5. I would love to say I didn't know anything was wrong in the beginning but that would be a lie. I hate now that I have gone so far past the breaking point and when I think about everything I wonder why I ever married him.
I was 21 when he met living in NYC he was 35 and played every instrument. I worked at a bar he was a "rockstar" in my eyes. We got messed up together all the time. I never thought anything of the crazy fights in the beginning. We decided to move to Boston on a whim. I had no problem with that I have done everything else on a whim in my life. Things got terrible he drank so much, and I felt I had to drink as much as him. We would party excessively and fight excessively I was such a strong independent individual, that when it came to him accusing me of things I would blow up at him; that made it worse. He has thrown things, called me the most colorful things in the book.
We decided to move in with my family for awhile and get married he said he would change. I am missing the cops being called, the cheating and many embarrassing social situations, there are just too many to write. We got married; nothing changed. When things are good, they are great. It's just that he is a rapid cycling bi polar- we just didn't know then. I thought he was an alcoholic with an anger management problem.
I decided I needed to better my life because we were going nowhere, and I wanted children (he was not going to support us). I joined the military. When I finished my training we moved to my first duty station; I thought everything would be different. IT DIDN'T get better. The insults, name calling and blaming everything on me continued. The alcohol abuse, the tearing doors down, and the holes in the wall also continued. Then, I got pregnant, I was so excited and so was he! He called everybody he couldn't wait to be a daddy. He was going to change, quit drinking, and get a better job! Things went smooth (as smooth with a BP could be) during the pregnancy he was nice to me, for once. He still would go out and get wasted; I would freak out thinking what if I went into labor and couldn't reach him because he was out getting wasted. Did I mention he does not have a driver’s license? That’s another story in itself.
We had our son; He got drunk the next night and was late getting back to the hospital when I got discharged. I was in the military and he was working nights and watching our son during the day. I would love to say that everything went smooth, but it didn't. He once came home so damn drunk at 4AM I left for work at 5AM, I still question how I left my 4 month old with him. Oh and when our son would cry for no reason he would freak out and wake me up yelling about something I did wrong to cause it.
We had a terrible tragedy happen (I don’t feel like sharing) I was in training and came home to it. I tried to be there for him, but we were about to move and I had 2 weeks till my next training and I would be gone for another 6 weeks. My son got swine flu during the time I was home and my husband as usual went even crazier then he already was. I then went to the field and while there thought things were going good. HAHAHAHAHA!
When I got home, I told my husband since my son was asleep, I was going for a nap. When I woke up he was gone, I called his cell, and he did not answer. I called and called then I got a text: I am leaving you! Wow! That turned my world upside down. He left me for my best friend and they were in love and running off together. She was there for him and I was not (I was in training!!). Their relationship was toxic, he was calling me telling me they were both going to kill themselves. I was freaking out it was terrible his drinking went out of control.
Finally, I talked him into coming home to see his son. I begged for him to come back to me and get help. I had to sit and polish off 2 cases of beer and 3 gallons of wine just to keep him there; he needed his last drink. The next day I had to go to work and find out information about getting him help. He called me and said he can’t get help he is sitting on the side of the road and about to kill himself. I get in my car, get my son, find him and take him to the closest ER. We get him into an inpatient facility he was diagnosed bipolar, PTSD, ADHD, and mild schizophrenic. He stayed 2 weeks. He was finally going to be the man I dreamed of. He had outpatient care and he was going to AA. ---- That all lasted 83 days.
I couldn't get a hold of him one day and found out he was downtown at a friend’s place. I get my 11 month old out of bed and drove down there. Sure as heck, he was drinking and acting like a loon. I couldn't believe it after everything we went through. He said it was just that once and he was sorry and it would never happen again. Here is a shocker, it did happen again, and he was lying to me on a constant basis, I would catch him all the time. I just gave in as long as he didn't drink liquor it was ok. The name calling continued the fighting continued. I have no friends, because I am too embarrassed to bring him around people. He has all but lost the confident, talented women I am. My breaking point was when I was very sick (couldn't get out of bed sick, could not take care of my son sick) Me being sick set him off he was mad at me for being sick. I lost it that day, I had 104 fever and couldn't move, but when he yelled at me about being lazy and just lying around, I got enough strength to jump up and grab him and say don't ever talk to me like that. I then turn my head and saw my son just looking at me. I vowed not to lose my temper like that ever again.
I made it through the holidays, crying all the time at how horrible my life was. He never came down to see why I cried.
I am now deployed to Iraq. I got here and realized how miserable my life is. (I have not even written the majority of it this is just a quick glimpse) I have gone to psychiatrist thinking I was crazy, I have no hobbies anymore, I have nothing, I am repressed, he makes me think everything is all my fault and I am learning to not blame myself, anymore! It took me being away from the situation to realize I needed out, I have lost so much of myself to him. I don't want my son to grow up this way. I was planning on waiting till I got home to divorce him. A 1000 dollar cell phone bill, plus every time I call he would ask if I was cheating, yell at me, and he quit his job(again) it broke me. I told him I was done after HE yelled at me for him going over by 4000 minutes to blocked numbers. When I asked for a divorce he freaked out.
Now, my whole world is chaotic! I am still in Iraq and he still has my son. He has threatened everything from taking my child to killing himself. Then an hour later he promises to change ..... this time. He also told me he was going to kill my family and take my son. I had the cops called when he said he was going to run. He seemed fine. He acts crazy one minute and then everything is okay. He also had the girl he was going to run away and cheated on me with come over to our house because he was lonely. I will say he is a good father and loves our son and our son loves him dearly!
Well that’s a quick version of my story. I am done, I want too much more out of my life and my sons life. No, I didn't believe in divorce. I just also don’t believe in losing my sanity and having my child thinking its okay for a man to treat women the way he does.
Sorry means nothing to me anymore. I don’t know what kind of person can stay in a relationship like this. I was a strong, very independent person and this does not work for me. If you are weak you will get so lost in it. It’s like having an adult child who hates you half the time. Don’t expect them to pay bills; don’t expect them to handle anything responsibly. I asked him to mail something in and he yelled at me. Don’t expect them to call the bank if someone steals your money. Don’t expect them to take your kid to the hospital and not yell at the staff for taking too long. Don’t expect any long term change.
If I knew what I know now.... hard to say I have an amazing and talented son. Would I change anything? Maybe, I would have let him run off with the other girl a year ago. You can't regret anything in life, but you must be happy. If you have kids, take a good look at your life and think would you want your child to live that same life. I say NO!
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I am all out. I have nothing else to give. I feel there’s nothing left to get, either. Too little, too late if at all. A dozen winters. Most not completely happy. Most not as miserable as this. I am just running out of heart supply. No relation anymore. I am trying. I am. I am just so tired of trying so hard. It should be easier than this. I just don’t understand what this is supposed be anymore. Romance is a joke. I could get nasty here. Sex is a joke. A skimpy one. Numb. Resistant. I have no more high. I am laid low and worse! able to subsist. That is the best I can hope for right now. I can’t trust a future that is so undesired. I am so dumb. I have no understanding. I am giving up. A promise is a promise… but it was my undoing. It should not have been. Why is it, when you are the most idiotic, you are legally free to screw up everything in your life so definitely, so permanently, and with such a despicable giddiness?
I can’t do this anymore. But I can’t not do this, either. There are no alternatives available. The goal is not happiness. To exist, uninterrupted is the ultimate success. To allow infants to grow undisturbed by mortar shells. To be a mother who is truly devoted, devout, devoid… this success is both a prize and a limbo hell. I hate. I loathe. I detest my own weakness. I despise my youth’s eyes, ears and mouth. I hate. I hate not the innocent ill. I hate the one who should have seen, recognized the wonder for something else. Insidious. Casting in a stunting vise. This concept, this conniption fit. My friend, my foe…my youth used up. Spent, utterly. Caprice so spacious it defies judgement of the whole wide world. Unattainable joy lost, severed amputation above arteries of hope.
What can the future hold for me…one heartbeat or a million? I am an instant away from satience. An instant away from the vehement condemnation. It is not pleasant. It is one experience in time. I am not alone; only quarantined. You can not know. You cannot know. I will hide it so you can not know it.
i wrote this last night in a fit of melancholy. Plan to stay with him...thinking of seeking a therapist to help me out of this self-centered indulgence I have fallen into. Thanks for letting me say it aloud somewhere in the universe.
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Wholly cow! What to say here? I've been married 33 years. I am the one with this ugly disorder. We have had some very happy times, up times, down times...and everything that fits in the middle of all it times.
We both fight this disorder with each and every breath we take. Thats the only way a marriage can survive this life we live together.
But it takes both to fight this ugly monster in a relationship. It's a give AND take...not give, give, give without never receiving. Trust me we've had our share of one way or the others too. Then one of us will trip and fall and realize we need the other to help be pulled back up again.
But you can't be pulled down into the muck and mire of your husbands illness, you just can't allow yourself to do this. Trust me, it already sounds like you have though. First and formost, you have to take care of yourself. Only then can you worry about him. Here's another BUT...if he isn't willing to help himself, you can't do it for him. Your Not his mother, his nurse, his maid....there's alot of things your not. What you are suppose to be is...wife, friend, lover, help mate. If he doesn't know what the difference is...well, that's on him then.
You can't give up on your life simple because he's given up on his. If anyone tells you differently, then tell them to go pound sand. It sounds to me like you've given everything you have inside of yourself and more.
Just because we've been given this ugly monster to carry on our shoulders all of OUR lives, doesn't mean we have the right to treat anyone without the respect they deserve. Just as we expect to be treated with respect...but only if we have earned it. If he can't show you the respect you deserve and earned over your 12 winters...it's never going to happen.
I don't know everything there is to know about your lives, I can only go by what you've written....but if you were my friend, I would tell you to RUN not walk to the nearest exit.
When we find out we have Bipolar...it's not a death sentence, it doesn't mean our lives have to end. What it does mean...is...we have to learn to do things differently. We can't go around saying...poor, poor me...please feel sorry for me..because I don't do it enough myself. It means..figure it out! Except the fact you have to take med's, but med's don't work magic. We have to take an active roll in our well being. We have to change our thought process, isn't that why we went in search of finding out what was wrong to start with?
Sorry if I've gone on and on. It just makes me so damn mad when someone with this disorder expects others to do for them, yet not do anything for themselves.
You will be kept in my thoughts and prayers!
Thank you so much for your kind response. I really need help and am setting up appt's for myself. Hubby is unmedicated and un counselable so I am on my own. He does try to be a good husband in his own way. It just feels so distant right now. When family is in the mix... I just can't rock the kids' world by ripping us apart. Besides, I doubt he could support himself, so I can't just leave. And things are usually livable from day to day... I can definitely be a little pathetic about my situation, but your reply was so caring. Thanks for your kindness and I wish you the best and continued happiness in your successful marriage.
S.
Well, it's me the hubby.
I'm amazed at how you seem to know me! You know nothing, yet thanks to you, my wife IS divorcing with me, and our 2 children are going to be okay I guess.
Thank you for helping me lose the love of my life.
For your information, I wasn't aware of how I was hurting her. The meds for my depression (that I was religiously taking) backfired on me, and gave me rage and anger.
I don't know what to do... but all this doesn't matter because my life is over.
I hope you're happy.
Vince.
I would sincerely be interested to know how you suggest we respond to the verbal abuse? My husband calls me a dumb f***ing b**** and he hates me and has "never told me he loves me over the last several years" even though last week I could give an instant replay of all of his displays of affection and of all the times he held my hand and told me how much he loved me. It is so hurtful to go from that to this hateful person calling me all these horrible names. I almost went to a hotel with the kids tonight and I am planning on moving into an apartment. But I would be interested in hearing from the other side of the situation on how to respond. Last time I left and went away he tried to punish me when I got back by doing the same even though he was the one treating me badly and he begged me to come back. I feel like he is trying to control me by doing this. I enjoy him when he's not in his rages it's really like an addiction but you end up on the roller coaster with them.
AMEN!! Thank you. I too am the one with the bi-polar. My hubby and I have worked hard on our marriage for 27 years. We didn't know that I was more than depressed but a name change didn't mean that we quit.
I take ownership of my stuff. He takes ownership of his. We work together to help each other be better people.
Sometimes we have to be the 100% giver...I know that sometimes I've been the 100% taker but it doesn't last for very long.
Hubby again,
I have never called my sweetheart names, even as much as tease or use sarcasm towards her. Never.
For 12 years, I told her I loved her every single day, multiple times throughout the day. I also told her (still do) how beautiful she is, many times a day. I would cuddle up behind her and kiss her neck -- all the time.
My problem is that I would get mad at situations, or God -- and there I would use profanity. She was the daily witness of my bipolarism, but never the brunt of it. That goes for my children too.
I truly understand, and even support her decision to divorce. But my heart is broken beyond repair... and it's all my fault.
The fact that she will love another, and he being more with my children is unbearable to me.
I will love her forever.
I am married to a BP husband. I knew when I married him that he had BP but he was so charming, gentle and kind and took his meds that I thought we could make it. Today, I think that it was the worsed decision that I have ever made. I am his third wife! That alone should have been a BIG wake up call for me. We have been married almost two years and I feel emotionally depleted, my self-esteem is in a bucket and I feel very alone. Moreover, I am five months pregnant and do not want my child to suffer.
This morning, I just needed some guidance and I found this site. I thank you all for being honest and open. I have seen the pros and cons of staying or leaving. My decision is made; I do not have the personality or desire to stay. I am leaving him in about a month when I finish my work contract. I would leave sooner but I moved to another country to be with him and need to finish out things so that I can return to the states.
Life with him has been like a fairytale with a nightmare stuck in the middle. Just when I think I'm in a safe place--WHAM-- something triggers him and it's all over. In my heart I do not think that he is a bad man. He has many good points and for the right woman, he could be a good husband. But for me, I am unwilling to sacrifice my life, my child's life or happiness to build my world around him. I cannot be his caregiver, I have to take care of myself and my child now.
Again, thank you all. You will never know how much you helped me. Pray that as I return home, I can put my life back together and be a good mom to my child.
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I am a sexual abuse survivor. Fortunately I have years of therapy under my belt, but 5 years ago I remarried to find out he is cyclothymic. I can cope with my stressors and triggers very well. However, his moods, tensions, and anger is making me very emotionally exhausted and triggering a multitude of childhood emotions.
Although I love him, I do not believe I can be healthy while living with him.
We are only a few months into a medication regimen which is still changing slightly to find the right fit.
Will a good medication regimen "stablize" him well enough to prevent the tenseness and rages, will trigger my issues?
I met my husband 8 years ago, when I now know he was in a manic stage. I helped get him to see a doctor about 7 1/2 years ago, and he was diagnosed with bipolar. I knew there was something not quite right about his behaviors and after several months was able to get him to go, but only after threatening to break up with him. Then after the diagnosis, he struggled with acceptance. Then his very traditional latin family struggled with acceptance. I read all the books I could and did alot of research on the internet, and talked to his doctors myself when I could. I helped monitor his behavior and actions all the time, told him when he was getting too out of control, helped him calm down. I was his gauge. He'd bounce things off me to see if he was being crazy or if this person really was being rude, or if his coworkers and bosses really were all against him. I took good care of him for all this time. His interest in sex waned very quickly after being diagnosed and put on medication. I stayed with him bc I figured the medication was doing it. It was a very painful subject we only spoke of when my frustrations would get to a level where I had to beg for some attention. I kept all our finances in order (even with a few wild spending sprees), it caused some fights, but most of the time he would listen to me. I don't know how else to describe it other than I really was his babysitter, his mother almost. It was a constant vigilance and its very exhausting and depressing not to have a true partner in marriage to help out 50/50. A month ago I found some texts on his phone to other women that were inappropriate and confronted him. Denial at first, of course. Then I did more digging and he finally admitted to many random affairs over the last 5 years, and one in particular where he gave a girl his new car (told me he sold it to a male friend) and signed a lease for her apartment. Of course all this just destroyed me, I mean just destroyed me. He said it was like he was living two separate lives, one for happiness and one for his euphoria. He wants to work it out, he's seeing a sex addiction therapist and going to sex addiction meetings, he's got a new psychiatrist that seems to care a little more about his well-being than the last one. All fine and good, but its not enough. He destroyed any last vestiges of trust I had in him. The man I thought he was was just a myth and all the work I've put into our lives and our marriage was all for nothing. I can't tell anyone else to stay or leave their spouse, but I would say this to anyone considering a relationship or marriage to a bipolar person: RUN. Get out before you lose yourself completely.
I've been reading a lot of the comments here but don't see many men speaking up. I'm wondering if there are other guys out there married to bipolar women, feeling like I do.
My wife right now is on trileptal and we're both in counseling, and things are pretty good, at the moment. We're totally in love, however, I still feel like its all about her all the time and my opinions and needs don't mean a damn thing. We've only been married two years, no kids, and I have lots of hope. But, dealing day to day with this for the rest of my life sometimes feels like just too much.
Any guys out there who've made it work? Am I doomed?
I've been married to a bipolar woman for 10 years. We've nearly divorced multiple times. I'm not perfect either, however, and our dysfunctions are complimentary. We sync, somehow -- personalities I guess. But if you're thinking of leaving, I would recommend this, from my own personal experience: leave. It's so hard to stay with a bipolar person and it never gets easier. We now have a daughter with bipolar and it's heartbreaking to see her fight this illness. I would never wish this disease on anyone, least of all the person I love most in the world. We tried to take her down on her meds while going through a new therapy (the therapist said we had to for the therapy to work), and she was literally losing her mind. So if you love this woman, fine. It's one thing to love someone with bipolar, but it's quite another to pass the disease along. I've never seen it debated, and this is probably incendiary, but I question the ethics of passing on bipolarity. That is just my experience.
I am in a very similar situation and I know exactly where you are coming from.
I only wish it were that easy. Of course staying is not easy by any means, but when you have a child, that greatly complicates things.
I think the hardest thing about this disease for the spouse is that we give and give and bend to the point of breaking only to be treated like the devil by the bipolar person. During lucid periods, they are the sweet person you feel in love with, but those periods never last, no matter how good they are about their treatment.
They have a way of shifting blame and responsibility for everything onto us, and its hard not to buy into that if you are weak or have low self-esteem. Thats when you lose yourself in the disease and it starts eating away at YOUR mental well-being.
You cant let that happen. You HAVE to take time to yourself to do the things that keep you happy and spend time with your friends. Bipolar can easily drag the non-BP spouse down into depression and misery if you let it.
You are right that it never gets any easier, but nothing worth doing is ever easy. If you decide you want to stick with your spouse, you have to accept the fact that the normal and happy relationship you thought you entered into is just not in the cards. Thats not to say that happiness is impossible, but you will have to move the goalposts to a more realistic goal in order to maintain your sanity.
Dear Husbanddad,
I sympathize with your situation, more than you know... I have been married to the same man for over 21 years. He was recently diagnosed with a mood disorder. (Although, there have terrible ups and downs, during our years together, as well as tremendous, irrational and at times abusive behavior, on his part...) I did not realize all these years that this was more than just a dysfunctional marriage, I was not aware that my spouse had a mood disorder/bi-polar personality.
You are completely right, it is a very difficult thing to live with someone who is bi-polar and it really doesn't ever go away.
I have reached a point where I think I may have to give up trying to save the marriage... and instead make the decision to "save myself " This ongoing situation is hard on our two kids, and it is pulling me into a nonstop vortex of anxiety, hoplessness and sadness.
If you want to share stories, I would be happy to listen. I am now trying to reach out to others who are struggling with the same situation. I thought this new approach might make me feel like I have some "company" in this neverending battle!
I am not sure how to navigate this website, (I just happened to stumble upon it), so if you like, you can email me at tymeck4@ TheresaT
Hello,
I wish you well with your wife... I hope you can find peace with eachother and work through this monster of a mental illness, I have been married to a man with a mood disorder/bi-polar... for 21 years, but didn't realize until recently that he had a mood disorder. He has been very controlling over the years, and displayed alot of abuse toward me.
I am trying to work through this marriage with him, but I am feeling like I don't think I can do this for the rest of my life...
I wish you peace in your journey.... I won't lie, there are ups and downs.... but for me, it has never really gone away. If you need anyone to vent to, I am happy to listen. Theresa
The only hope for ANY bipolar is medication when they get off of the meds leave and do not look back. My ex wife was everthing a man could possibly ask for and
I treated her accordingly, she didn't like having to sleep 10 hours a night(seraquel is strong stuff) and she stopped taking it. After two false police reports, three cps investigations, an std, and her and her boyfriends (there have been many) stealing my stuff I can tell you with a degree of certainty that the most beautiful sweet loving woman can become your own personal demon, if you look around on this site my experience is typical and compared to some mild.
I finally found a place where i can express my frustrations. ive been married for 10 years and my wife was diagnosed with bipolar about 3 years ago. After reading all the comments I thought I was the only one dealin with crazy. I dont know what to do. We have 5 children in the house and the way we behave is shameful and I hate when the kids see us actin crazy(yellin, name callin, and me gettin beat up by my wife). After readin the comments I have to admit that im probably the worst husband on this panel because im not sensitive to her when she goes on her rampage. I lose my sanity and rebel back by puttin her down or get in an all-out war (i dont hit her but sometimes it takes all i got not to hit her because of all the filthy things she says to me). I dont know what to do. I feel like wimp because of the abuse i live with. Im not happy and im going crazy. i think the biggest thing i hate about my wife is that she lacks any kind of understanding. No matter what shes the victim. No matter what she does or say its always because of me! BIPOLAR SUCKS!!!!!! AND ITS NOT FAIR ! I hate to sound like a baby but its so frustratin. My wife is mean, very very disrespectful, disorganized, I dont understand how someone can be so evil. How do I keep my sanity? I drink(im not an alcoholic), smoke, i go fishin, i make up excuses for her, but nothing works. Im loosing my marbles. Ive been slapped, kicked, punched, my wife has done everything but cheat (but i wouldnt be shocked if she did).
Life sucks and i've never felt so miserable in my life. I dont believe in divorce (a conviction i have) we havent tried couselin and im not really motivated to do that. Im just stuck in this house with my balls in her purse.
I have tried to stay and I can't. I have tried to go and I can't. I can't stay, I can't let go. The rollercoaster of his emotions; then to ride my own. I have seen a stone cold sober, non-drug induced man hit the highest of rages. Delusions. Deceipt. Manipulation. For everytime I have had enough, we break away and then somehow I fall back in.
As a caregiver I have become my own worse enemy. I am tired of being needed (especially with no appreciation); I want to be needed (but by someone who can reciprocate); I want to be taken care of (but don't remember the last time).
The emotional trauma this illness places on those who love the person the most is unfair. I need to go, in some ways I want to go, yet.... I don't know why I can't just let go.
Mine showed me a glimpse of the balanced sweet man for the first time in years within the last month. I saw hope, I saw restored faith, I saw my family maybe coming together again. Within 2 days he took a truck driving job and fell apart. All progress lost. I am devastated again. He is gone and probably gone for good this time. I should feel relief, yet I know he shouldn't be on the roads in a big rig. I have called the new employer and fell on deaf ears. Tegretol, Zyprexa, Zoloft and Klonopin when needed... and they are letting him drive. He pulls off "normal" just fine when needed. Only his therapist, psychiatrist and me know the real truth.
I am lost and alone. I can't focus, can't think, can't motivate myself to do what I need to. I am behind in work and will suffer severe consequences if I don't deliver for a huge project by morning. I know in a moment I will find strength to work all night, better than not sleeping for worrying I guess.
I just wish I could find that place deep inside me that could turn off the fears, the hurt, the sorrow, the despair. I wish I could forget the man who shows his sweet side on occassion and focus myself on the "beast" that seems to prefer to exist. I have given all that I am to him, I lost me helping him. Yet, in his eyes I am Satan's Daughter. For all who have gotten out I applaud you. For all who have gotten and are fighting to stay strong - I pray for your strength. For all who are living it today, I pray your loved one will help you help them. For if they do you can survive BP. But for those like me - I pray we find a way to carry on and find someone who wants to love us as we deserve.
So much of what you said rings true for me but so much doesn't too. My wife isn't abusive but, after 19 years of marriage, I'm exhausted and tired. It all started with very severe post-partum depression (shock therapy, hiding knives, pills to protect her, protecting my son from her impulses to throw him off the balcony, multiple hospitalizations) which morphed into bipolar disorder. We had to move from a small rural community to find the support and the medical help that she needed in the city. I had to abandon a successful business and go into debt. It took 2 years until she could safely look after our son. With her increased medication and lack of energy, our relationship began to suffer. I also started to get impacted by always being there for her, listening to every way she wanted to kill herself and witness the impact of the voices on her. At times, I was so stressed, I writhed and gasped for air on the floor and wanted to run... For many months, I didn't want her to even touch me, I had already endured so much.
We moved again because I landed a demanding job that coping with her illness eventually undermined when I had a stroke at 49. I lost my job and had to move back to the city. I've been so exhausted and stressed so eventually had a heart attack and bypass surgery. I haven't even talked about the challenges with raising my son; the inconsistent parenting, manipulation and lies and his anxiety as a result. I've had it and just can't go on anymore but I still have guilt about leaving. Finally, I am now realizing that I have to stop looking after others before me. Its just not worth it.
I can't say enough how good I feel to know that I'm not the only one who has been feeling this way! I've suspected that my husband is bi-polar for years...the rages over nothing and twisted crazy logic is so overwhelming. The careless spending sprees have us constantly living paycheck to paycheck. But, oh, when I see that sweet man that I married it is so wonderful. I love him so much, but lately I just feel tired and beat down. I worry about the things our children see and hear...I wouldn't ever want for them to believe that this is normal. He doesn't drink or do drugs anymore...quit before we were married and isn't physically violent, but the angry rages are so hard to deal with. He says such hurtful things and then an hour later it's like it never happened and he can't understand why I never want to be affectionate with him. He knows he needs to see a therapist and psychiatrist and has scheduled himself an appointment. He began taking a medication that his family doctor prescribed and we have seen much improvement but it isn't completely solved. I know I'm totally rambling, but I'm just so overwhelmed right now that I can't hardly complete a thought. I guess I'm hoping that things can get better, that I won't have to leave, that I won't always have to turn the other cheek so to speak, that I can stand up for myself, disagree with him sometimes and not have to fear the rage that may come. Is there any hope??
Well, it's been a little while since I posted that. Since then he's been to a psychiatrist who increased his Celexa, gave him something to help him sleep at night, and Adderol for a possible ADD diagnosis. It has really seemed to help! It's not that he doesn't ever seem angry for no reason, but that inexpicable rage is no longer there and I can even point out when he's acting angry for no reason without him getting super defensive and attacking me. The Adderol has really helped his focus and all those unfinished projects are finally getting done. He has an appointment with the therapist coming up soon so we'll see how that goes, but I think I have some hope...
I am glad to hear that thinks are getting better. Hopefully, he will continue to take his medications as prescribed and should seek out some counseling to help with behavior modification and finding his "signs". I feel for you, having witnessed many situations such as you have described. Be thankful that your husband is willing and open to receiving help, even if it took too long to get there! I hope for continued success and the happiness that you and your family deserve.
It has been so helpful reading these comments and realizing Im not the only one dealing with this. Its almost 5am but I cant stop reading. I think the hardest part for us spouses is the fact that the bipolar person NEVER recognizes how destructive and inappropriate their behavior is until it is too late.
My wife and I married about 3 years ago. We had a short and blissful courtship where everything seemed like a dream. Then shortly after our first son was born, she was diagnosed with bipolar II.
Everything hit the fan when she got PPD and became totally convinced I had cheated on her (I hadnt) and it went quickly downhill from there. We have gone to tons of therapists and psychiatrists, she is currently on Lamictal, but she is always stopping taking them without telling me.
The verbal abuse and explosive and inappropriate rage are a constant around this house. If its not verbal abuse, its the silent treatment. She can go from being extremely cruel and irrational, to syrupy sweet and apologetic when she wants something. I try not to take it personally, but I have low self esteem so it is hard not to yell back at her.
Thankfully, she doesnt have impulse control issues as to money or sex or drugs or alcohol, except a total inability to control her rage. She screams and cusses at me in front of our 2-year old all the time over minor things. Everything is ALWAYS my fault and nothing is ever hers.
She has told everyone we know viscious and false things about me, and she now is convinced again I cheated on her and has filed for divorce in the heat of the moment. I knew she would regret it at some point and I have told her we can work this out, but she flip flops from day to day and it kills me not to know what is going to happen, but that is just like every other day with her.
Often, she is an emotional powderkeg, ready to blow if the wind blows the wrong way, which is apparently very common. Everyone else talks about the walking on eggshells thing and all of the spouses here know EXACTLY what thats like.
It is so hard to know what to do. I love her dearly despite all the pain she has inflicted and Im not perfect either. To complicate matters further, she is a divorce attorney and I am fearful that she will get custody of our son and take all of this out on him. She has attempted suicide once when she was depressed (She took a bottle of Tylenol). The scariest thing was that a couple months ago, she was rocking our son back to sleep and she said she had a delusion that he was a demon and that she needed to kill him. We of course took her to the hospital, but the didnt admit her because she seemed perfectly fine and lucid.
I want to stay with her and help her, but most of all I want to do what is right for our son. Most of the time she is a wonderful mother, but when she gets depressed she oscillates between almost total neglect of our son and unbridled anger. I know that the stress of the divorce is going to trigger another major episode and I want to help her, but I dont know how. What if she takes her own life? I dont want some ugly custody battle to dredge up all of her mental issues, but she is just not stable enough for me to think about leaving our son alone with her.
How can I protect my son from being emotionally scarred by her rages? How can I keep her from trying to turn him against me? The worst part is that she will never even acknowledge that her behavior is even slightly inappropriate so we cant talk these things out.
I am coming apart at the seams here with worry about this.
Hello,
I really sympathize with your situation.... It seems like you just described my live with my husband, to a T! So much of what you described happens here in my life as well. My spouse was recently diagnose with a mood disorder and for years I thought he was just being stubborn and narcacistic. He has had anger and control issues towards me for years... and his moods would turn on dime, at any given moment for even the most trivial reasons.
I have been through the same hell for quite some time now. My husband was put on two different medications and one of them is Lamictal for his anger and impulsive behaviors.
I almost divorced him a few months ago. But, I wanted to give it another chance. He has improved, but still does whatever he wants most of the time, and only sees things from his point of view.
I am loosing hope and I feel like he is dragging me down with him.
I wish you peace in your journey. You will do the right thing... just don't wait and loose your self esteem in the process! Theresa
I've been with a man for a year and i'm convinced he's bipolar. His ups and downs are very frequent and obvious. I just witnessed a severe depression and it was the first time i've realized how bad it can get.
I've spoken with him about it, but he won't seek medical help. He thinks he's learned how to cope with it and since bi polar disorder is incurrable, doesn't want to be labelled by the medical profession. Personally i think he's his own worse enemy. His life could be so much easier if he had the right help.
I had to really search my soul and think about how his condition will affect me and my future. I've decided to stay. I actually really enjoy his manic episodes, especially the hyper-sexuality and i think his bi polar disorder is why i'm attracted to him. He's just crazy enough for me.
He does lie to me and tells me how grand he is when he's not...but these things don't harm me. He doesn't get carried away like i've heard some people do.
He will never be financially stable. I've had to consider that too.
My conclusion is i'm happy in a relationship where this man will never completely take care of me. I don't think it's fair to want that from anyone anyway. I don't plan to take care of him either. It would create too much stress for me to try. He has been taking care of himself, and that can continue.
I love him and enjoy his company. I'm not responsible for him. I can be supportive and loving. That's all that's expected of me. That's all i expect of him.
So my advise to others. Fix your perception. What is "normal"? What are your expectations in a relationship. Maybe you expect too much. Why are you stressed? Is it the bi polar person stressing you or are you stressing yourself by getting too involved. Take a step back.
I've been with a man for a year and i'm convinced he's bipolar. His ups and downs are very frequent and obvious. I just witnessed a severe depression and it was the first time i've realized how bad it can get.
I've spoken with him about it, but he won't seek medical help. He thinks he's learned how to cope with it and since bi polar disorder is incurrable, doesn't want to be labelled by the medical profession. Personally i think he's his own worse enemy. His life could be so much easier if he had the right help.
I had to really search my soul and think about how his condition will affect me and my future. I've decided to stay. I actually really enjoy his manic episodes, especially the hyper-sexuality and i think his bi polar disorder is why i'm attracted to him. He's just crazy enough for me.
He does lie to me and tells me how grand he is when he's not...but these things don't harm me. He doesn't get carried away like i've heard some people do.
He will never be financially stable. I've had to consider that too.
My conclusion is i'm happy in a relationship where this man will never completely take care of me. I don't think it's fair to want that from anyone anyway. I don't plan to take care of him either. It would create too much stress for me to try. He has been taking care of himself, and that can continue.
I love him and enjoy his company. I'm not responsible for him. I can be supportive and loving. That's all that's expected of me. That's all i expect of him.
So my advise to others. Fix your perception. What is "normal"? What are your expectations in a relationship. Maybe you expect too much. Why are you stressed? Is it the bi polar person stressing you or are you stressing yourself by getting too involved. Take a step back.
I've been with a man for a year and i'm convinced he's bipolar. His ups and downs are very frequent and obvious. I just witnessed a severe depression and it was the first time i've realized how bad it can get.
I've spoken with him about it, but he won't seek medical help. He thinks he's learned how to cope with it and since bi polar disorder is incurrable, doesn't want to be labelled by the medical profession. Personally i think he's his own worse enemy. His life could be so much easier if he had the right help.
I had to really search my soul and think about how his condition will affect me and my future. I've decided to stay. I actually really enjoy his manic episodes, especially the hyper-sexuality and i think his bi polar disorder is why i'm attracted to him. He's just crazy enough for me.
He does lie to me and tells me how grand he is when he's not...but these things don't harm me. He doesn't get carried away like i've heard some people do.
He will never be financially stable. I've had to consider that too.
My conclusion is i'm happy in a relationship where this man will never completely take care of me. I don't think it's fair to want that from anyone anyway. I don't plan to take care of him either. It would create too much stress for me to try. He has been taking care of himself, and that can continue.
I love him and enjoy his company. I'm not responsible for him. I can be supportive and loving. That's all that's expected of me. That's all i expect of him.
So my advise to others. Fix your perception. What is "normal"? What are your expectations in a relationship. Maybe you expect too much. Why are you stressed? Is it the bi polar person stressing you or are you stressing yourself by getting too involved. Take a step back.
Thank you so much for your stories. They have helped so much... I have been with a man (diagnosed bipolar) for 10+ years. He has never taken medication, and it has taken a toll on me. I love him, but it is so hard... I feel like I'm losing my mind... I need medication just to deal with him, and that doesn't seem right.
Tonight, he got mad at me because I came home on my cell phone and he didn't like what I brought him for dinner. He avoided me all night... stayed in the garage, even after I asked him to come watch a football game with me... I even told him he could watch whatever he wanted to. He was not having it. Then, he came in and turned out all the lights and said he was going to sleep on the couch- where I was watching tv.... I finally lost it after trying so hard to have a good evening together. It ended in a huge fight.. where I became enraged because he would not even talk or listen to logic... His response was "F*&^ you" over and over.... I slapped him in the face so hard, and that is totally out of my norm. I am very logical, intelligent, and I get along with everyone, but I can't get along with him. I try so hard to make it work, but when he gets in that "mood" it makes me so angry because I feel I don't deserve to be treated that way. I walk on egg shells all the time. I am embarrassed and ashamed because I lost my cool tonight. I know I should have just walked away, but he is so mean... and I have done nothing but try to always please him. I am losing myself in the process. I have never laid my hands on anyone, and I slapped the junk out of him. After that, he screamed at me and pushed my down which I guess I deserve. Then, he told me I made him sick and that I was crazy. Am I crazy?
Thank you so much for your stories. They have helped so much... I have been with a man (diagnosed bipolar) for 10+ years. He has never taken medication, and it has taken a toll on me. I love him, but it is so hard... I feel like I'm losing my mind... I need medication just to deal with him, and that doesn't seem right.
Tonight, he got mad at me because I came home on my cell phone and he didn't like what I brought him for dinner. He avoided me all night... stayed in the garage, even after I asked him to come watch a football game with me... I even told him he could watch whatever he wanted to. He was not having it. Then, he came in and turned out all the lights and said he was going to sleep on the couch- where I was watching tv.... I finally lost it after trying so hard to have a good evening together. It ended in a huge fight.. where I became enraged because he would not even talk or listen to logic... His response was "F*&^ you" over and over.... I slapped him in the face so hard, and that is totally out of my norm. I am very logical, intelligent, and I get along with everyone, but I can't get along with him. I try so hard to make it work, but when he gets in that "mood" it makes me so angry because I feel I don't deserve to be treated that way. I walk on egg shells all the time. I am embarrassed and ashamed because I lost my cool tonight. I know I should have just walked away, but he is so mean... and I have done nothing but try to always please him. I am losing myself in the process. I have never laid my hands on anyone, and I slapped the junk out of him. After that, he screamed at me and pushed my down which I guess I deserve. Then, he told me I made him sick and that I was crazy. Am I crazy?
NO !!! You are not crazy. I have lived in a similar situation for many years now. I am loosing myself in the process as well. My husband of 21 years was recently diagnose with a mood disorder, I knew his moods and irrational behavior was not normal, but didn't realize how bad it was.
He is now on medication and there has been an improvement. I too act irrational, like following him in my car.. not driving safely at time... because his abuse, and blaming me for all that bothers him... make me so angry and frustrated that I lower myself to respond inappropriately at times
I see myself acting like him sometimes... and that really BOTHERS ME! I am trying to make it work, but I feel so sad, and hopeless sometimes.
I am trying to think positive. I wish you peace in your journey... the road can seem difficult at times.
Pray and ask god for strength to get through each day.. and make your decisions with a clear head!
I've been married for about 2 years. He hasn't been diagnosed as bipolar since he refuses to go to the doctor.. however, after reading everything on here, I'm convinced that he is. He got mad at me 3 weeks after we got married and cheated on me.. I'm not sure what to do. I've gotten past that, however I now have some issues that relate to that incident. Anyway, we have our ups and downs, however, our downs are so bad that I often feel like I can't deal with it. He has been in rehab, and when he was, he was the guy I married. When he got out, he went back to his old ways. When we argue, it's always my fault that he got so mad that he called me the worst names in the book. He will try to get me to see his side of things, but if I even remotely disagree, then it's like I cheated on him in our bed in front of our baby (which I will NEVER do, since I don't believe in infidelity when married) and it's on. He does have an overactive sex drive, and when he treats me so badly I don't want to have sex, then he tells me that he'll go somewhere else and find someone else who is normal and wants to have sex. He's incredibly paranoid about me cheating on him which I've never given him a reason to even remotely think it was a possibility. I don't go out, I never leave the house except to visit with my female neighbor who also has a little girl and a boyfriend. BUT it's ok for him to go out with his friends (oh I'm sorry.. ACQUAINTANCES) on a nightly basis and get drunk or whatever it is they do.. and it's also ok for his ACQUAINTANCE to text him saying 'f**k your wife i've got 2 hot girls at my house..' I don't ask for much from him.. I'm actually incredibly patient. But back about his rages.. I don't even raise my voice at him anymore because it doesn't do anything. We can start out talking in a civilized tone of voice, and anytime things don't go his way, then he gets up in my face, spits all over me, and expects me to take it because he's 'the man of the house' and he's going to 'put his foot down'.. there's no need to put your foot down when I don't do anything to deserve it. He demands so much from me, but if I ask him todo something for me because, say, it makes me uncomfortable or it goes against the unwritten rule book, he tells me to shut up because it's fine when he does it but if I do it, then it's the most horrible thing in the world. He holds me to the worst double standard I've ever seen in my life and I hate it because I know my baby knows what's going on. She'll cry and it's always my fault. He's a good father when he's not in his rages.. but his rages happen so often it's hard to see the good in him. He wants to be the man of the house, but the man of the house doesn't treat his wife like garbage. He doesn't let the baby cry for a long time just because he wants to play a video game and doesn't want to give her attention. He doesn't tell his wife 'no' when she asks him to make the baby food so she can feed her when he's not doing anything else. Moreover, the man of the house doesn't throw hissy fits and verbally or emotionally abuses his wife because she doesn't see things in the same crazy distorted logical perspective that he does or when he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it. I don't know what to do anymore. I try to talk to him like a person but it always ends up in an argument because he refuses to see my side, or, if he does, he doesn't care and wants things his way or the highway. It gets to the point where he'll stand at the door and scream nasty things at me while I'm outside. Something else we'll fight about is the fact that I like to sleep. He doesn't require a lot of sleep to function. But when I'm in school, and taking care of our baby, and cleaning the house, it gets overwhelming sometimes. It also doesn't help that I go to bed early and he gets mad cuz I went to bed to 'conveniently be asleep so I don't have to have sex with him..'?
I don't know how to get him to go to a doctor. He's told me many times that he refuses to be on medication because he knows what it does to people. I want to go sometimes. I don't want to go because I really do love him. But it takes 2 for a marriage to work. I feel like I'm his mother sometimes. I really want us to work out.. but he makes it seem like he could care less if we were married or not. He's also told me he would prove me an unfit mother and take my baby away from me if we ever separated and it was a bad breakup
I was recently diagnosed as bipolar and have been trying to find things to help my husband understand it/my behavior. I am one whose manic episodes tend to include infidelity; he does not know for a fact but i think he does know - just doesn't want to hear it. I have also racked up thousands of dollars in credit card debt. I am also diagnosed with boerline personality disorder traits.
I started taking lithium but i don't like it. i like to feel like me! i just wish i could control everything myself without hurting the most important person in my life. 
I've been married to husband for 7 years and yes there were some signs before the marriage, he was diagnosed 2 years age with Bi-polar and addiction. I have 3 adult children from previous marriage and 2 live with us, they hate him. He has 3 children also from previous marriage, in the past 2 years their relationship has been strained. He has done things in the past that I can't seem to forgive him for, he went after my son throwing a pot at his head, he called my daughter terrible names and he has physically abused me once. I walk on egg shells in my own house. When he drinks, it is worse I try to ignore his snide comments because I know it will turn into a huge fight. He has thrown things, broke things and is very mentally abusive when drinking. He has not worked for over a year but is collecting unemployment for now. I have a very demanding job and work about 50 hours a week. My husband cleans , cooks, does the laundry and takes care of our dogs and everyday I have to hear about all that he did in our house. I am grateful so please don't think I am not. Its just that he is so needy and demanding of my attention that its exhausting. He can't handle any problems that couples face everyday. Part of me feels that I enable him to behave this way because i have threatened to leave if he doesn't stop drinking and never follow through wwith it. We are so in debt that I borrow money from kids and mom just to go to work. I want to leave (house is in my name) but I am afraid of what will happen to him. I feel sorry for him because he is sick. He does take meds but with the drinking and drugs they don't help. He is on this kick now that I am cheating because I am traveling with work and is constantly questioning me. I am just mentally exhausted, angry and confused on what I should do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
It is so nice to have a place like this. I have been married to my husband for almost 11 years, been together for 16. We have a 9 year old. When we were dating, I blamed most of his mood swings on his mother, who basically was a tyrant. I now think that she is bipolar as well, but she just thinks that she is depressed, but doesn't really think that she has a problem. Hubby was diagnosed about 4 years ago. He was on medicine for about 6 months, and it was great.....for me. Hubby said it made his brain stop working like it used to. I want to leave. Every time I bring it up, hubby begs me to stay. I feel more like his mother, nanny, house keeper, orgasm creator, than I ever do his wife. He is a good provider, money wise, but is lacking so many other things that I want in a husband. He degrades me, yells at me and our son, argues with me all the time, and never seems happy, no matter what I do or say. I feel so alone. So very alone. I want it to work for our son, he is usually a pretty good dad, and our son looks up to him so much. But, he is so hard on my emotions, makes me not want to be around him. Just thinking about the situation makes me want to cry. Life seems so hard to be around him. I just wish I could help, but he doesn't want help with meds or counseling. Any one want to exchange stories? I have a yah** account. My name is rainydays here. All one word. Thanks for listening.
Hi, I know how you feel. I have been with my husband for 10 years--dated for five, married for five. I used to think he was moody and irritable because his Dad is an eastern-European immigrant and very domineering, and they work together in a family business. But there was always some excuse, somebody else my husband blamed for his behavior. He was diagnosed about 2 years ago. He finally went on lithium. I can't say there is a huge change. The bad times are still bad, but the good times are OK. We also go to marriage counseling regularly, which has helped somewhat.
When things are bad, I sometimes plan my future "escape". We have two young children under the age of four. The hardest part for me is when he is highly irritable and just picks on me, criticizing what I do or making such a huge deal about the smallest mistake. I don't want my children to think it is OK to be treated like this. After about 3 or 4 days of constant irritability and criticism, I usually blow up at him and what results isn't pretty, especially when it happens in front of the kids. He is a good father, and seems to be able to tone it down for the kids--just not for me. The phrase I keep saying over and over again is that he seems to be bipolar mainly with me. When things are good, he is loving and appreciative. When they are bad, he glares as me in contempt. Everyone says to separate the person from the illness, but how do you do that when they are nasty and attack you personally? This is the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with. I have a yahoo account, door_to_opportunity@yahoo.com. Feel free to email me. I haven't told my family about his BP. They are very judgmental. I live in a different state, so they don't see us alot. They just think he is moody, although sometimes I'm sure they talk about how I am married to an a**hole.
I have the best women in the world I have recently found out that i have bi polar and it all makes so much sense now. My lifestyle my past the wild spending sprees that lasted years. Up until the last couple years everything was manic besides once when I had a really bad depression, I was not with her at the time so she had never had to see how I was sad. Well things have changed money stopped coming in like it was I'm feeling lost hopeless I know It's a strain on her but I love her even more for dealing with it with me and being so strong, hell I don't want to deal with me half the time and she choses to do it. I don't yell hit her or anything I just fall into my own lil world. When I first found out she said she always knew. LOL. Maybe everyone knew something was wrong but me. Looking back at my life now I wonder how I didn't notice something sooner or someone else didn't speak up and tell me about it. You all would not believe the amount of money I have just thrown away over the years let's just say enough for most people to have a comfortable life. Now as I sit here and type this I struggle to pay my bills so almost everything falls on her. I feel bad. Just feels like when it rains it pours. I can't tell you all to stay with them or leave I'm just glad that she has not left me YET praying it doesn't happen.
i am bipolar....mixed episodes....my mania starts out with a little euphoria but always ends in rage, hurtful words...things i would never say....and the next day i have almost no recolectioin of what transpired.
my partner says she totally understands bipolar.....i disagree
she says she's been betrayed and hurt by the things i've said and done which i totally get. and she talks to me as if i have control over whats happening. i dont.
she was clearly being hurt and was stressed...i came across an article that said the spouse of a bipolar needs to seek out support for themselves...if they don't they will end up resenting the person who has bp and leave. which is what happened.
I know that I cannot force her to undertand. I carried a lot of guilt and shame around with me for a long time until i finally understood and accepted my bp. The bottom line for me is that i would have done anything if i knew our relationship was in jeopordy....i told her if she had a stroke and was a vegetable in bed i'd change her diapers!.....i accept now that that type of love and commitment wasn't recipricated...it was easier to leave....
the ironic part is that she is my number one trigger...
perhaps her leaving was God doing for me what i couln't do for myself.
thanks for letting me share
namaste'
lorra
i am bipolar....mixed episodes....my mania starts out with a little euphoria but always ends in rage, hurtful words...things i would never say....and the next day i have almost no recolectioin of what transpired.
my partner says she totally understands bipolar.....i disagree
she says she's been betrayed and hurt by the things i've said and done which i totally get. and she talks to me as if i have control over whats happening. i dont.
she was clearly being hurt and was stressed...i came across an article that said the spouse of a bipolar needs to seek out support for themselves...if they don't they will end up resenting the person who has bp and leave. which is what happened.
I know that I cannot force her to undertand. I carried a lot of guilt and shame around with me for a long time until i finally understood and accepted my bp. The bottom line for me is that i would have done anything if i knew our relationship was in jeopordy....i told her if she had a stroke and was a vegetable in bed i'd change her diapers!.....i accept now that that type of love and commitment wasn't recipricated...it was easier to leave....
the ironic part is that she is my number one trigger...
perhaps her leaving was God doing for me what i couln't do for myself.
thanks for letting me share
namaste'
lorra
I have been dating and got engaged to a guy who is bipolar. It has been hell on wheels. But I can no longer do this anymore. He does nothing but complain about EVERYTHING and I ever know when he is going to flip out! I have three sons and he has two daughters ( who live with thier mom and stepdad.) he has went OFF on them many times and I have defensively stood up for them. Im sorry but he is a big man and they are jsut children. it hurt to see them hurt. I have been called every name in the book and it ahas been my fault that I stayed as long as I have, but its time to go... I have my own children to care for and make sure they are good and no more foul, over the top crap he does for no reason. Honestly its embarrassing!! he does nto go to therapy only to the dr for the medication as he claims his JOB he cant do anything but he can spend money like its water and always BROKE!!! he is very materialistic and cares more about how he looks than having his own pot to piss in. still lives with his mom at 48 yrs old. Blames me because he wanted us to move back in together. No way, I was broke and never had money becuase of his lies and manipulations. he is very selfish its rediculous! he could be the most loving and wondrful person and trash all that with his embarassing ways out of nowhere. its like one day we are cool, the next, he is pissed abut something and half the time its very meager or I have no idea what the deal is. Its like he is waiting to get mad about something... he plays the silent treatment, but will communicate with everyone else especially facebook, becuase he can lie about himself to make him look like something he is not! We were nto friends becuase I knew the truth, all of his friends (from high school mind you) he has none other than his co-workers that he complains about constantly as well.
My husband and I have been married for 16 years.
He was first diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic with bipolar. His latest diagnosis is bipolar 1 with paranoid delusions. 6 of one, half a dozen of another...
Years ago, I found for him the only treatment that has ever worked for him--it's called orthomolecular medicine, and is, basically, mega doses of very certain vitamins, minerals, and amino acids (specified through testing). Medication has never worked, and made him nonfunctional. The vitamin treatment is amazing. BUT as high functioning as he is, he refuses to learn anything about managing his own mental illness. He dumps that responsibility onto me, and then resents me deeply for his dependence on me.
Having grown up with a severely abusive BPD mother, I don't have a very good sense of self. I am torn all the time. Sometimes I think "I cannot stand this crap for one more minute!" Other times, I look around me and see others who are in just as bad or worse shape than me--they are married to drug addicts, or drunks, or gamblers, or cheaters, or BPD's, or porn addicts, or child molesters, or serial killers. And I think maybe I should count my blessings. My husband only has relapses every few years (and wouldn't have any at all if he'd take responsibility for managing his early symptoms instead of hiding them from me--the buzzkill deluxe), works hard, doesn't cheat, doesn't use drugs or alcohol, isn't violent. But he is cold and distant, he projects his own self loathing emotions onto me (and then resents me for being so "hateful") and he seems more interested in the image others see of him having a relationship than in the actual substance of the relationship itself.
I have seriously considered kicking him out many times (it's my house and business), but I know he will never actually go away. His own family treats him like a shameful embarrassment, and I'm the only one who ever helped him (even though he resents it). Without me "nagging" him to become and remain stable, he will relapse repeatedly and drag himself back to me over and over and over--even if I got a restarianing order or something cold hearted like that.
In many ways, I feel trapped forever.
Often I don't even know if I'm being unfair or not. Am I a codependent fool? Or am I an unrealistic complainer? I can't even tell anymore. But I do know that I am very unhappy.
We are seeing a therapist/psychologist--seperately and together. Having been going very long yet. I moved into a camping trailer elsewhere on my property to get some space from him and sort out my own thoughts and feelings and he promptly relapsed.
While living with this mental illness and its aftermath is incredibly difficult, what torques me off the most is his refusal to learn to manage his own mental illness.
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How much do you know about bipolar disorder? 
I am married to someone with the disease for 2 years, (and he is faithfully on Lithium for 27+ years). I am trying gracefully to get out. He is ruining my life and calling me crazy when he doesn't even know how to do even the simplest of things, i.e. how to fill out a deposit slip, how to handle money of any sort, how to get the car repaired, how to deal with anything!) He can't even figure out how to fill out medical records, etc., yet he can fill out information all day long at work. He uses his Bipolar when he needs to in certain circumstances, but when I merely mention that he might have an issue, he states that his Bipolar "doesn't affect him." Well, it affects me!!! (Way too much!) (And if you are a co-dependent that likes doing EVERYTHING for a full grown person, by all means stick with them!)
I thought I knew him prior to marriage, but it turns out I didn't know him at all.
I am not a professional psychologist, and unless you are, I would highly suggest getting one on staff in your home if you are thinking of staying with a bipolar person. They are waaaaaaaay too much to handle for the "normal" people.
I tried going to a group meeting for spouses and family of Bipolars and they are sad people living sad lives watching their Bipolar family members do distructive and hateful things, and yet they feel that they can't get out of it.
Well I can! We don't have any kids, and I am not going to waste another minute of my life trying to help someone that cannot or will not be helped!
I know the feeling, I have watched my wife of less than a year, even prior to us being married do destructive and shameful things. She cannot stop impulses like drinking and affairs. She has ruined my life on and off for 5 years, and have finally found the opportunity to get out. The damage has been done and really do not understand why I am sad. We generally do not divorce or leave a spouse with an illness, but bipolar is a special case. We have to look out for ourselves and it is so painful to leave the one you love because you cannot help them any longer without destroying yourself in the process.
I know the feeling, I have watched my wife of less than a year, even prior to us being married do destructive and shameful things. She cannot stop impulses like drinking and affairs. She has ruined my life on and off for 5 years, and have finally found the opportunity to get out. The damage has been done and really do not understand why I am sad. We generally do not divorce or leave a spouse with an illness, but bipolar is a special case. We have to look out for ourselves and it is so painful to leave the one you love because you cannot help them any longer without destroying yourself in the process.
I know the feeling, I have watched my wife of less than a year, even prior to us being married do destructive and shameful things. She cannot stop impulses like drinking and affairs. She has ruined my life on and off for 5 years, and have finally found the opportunity to get out. The damage has been done and really do not understand why I am sad. We generally do not divorce or leave a spouse with an illness, but bipolar is a special case. We have to look out for ourselves and it is so painful to leave the one you love because you cannot help them any longer without destroying yourself in the process.
I know the feeling, I have watched my wife of less than a year, even prior to us being married do destructive and shameful things. She cannot stop impulses like drinking and affairs. She has ruined my life on and off for 5 years, and have finally found the opportunity to get out. The damage has been done and really do not understand why I am sad. We generally do not divorce or leave a spouse with an illness, but bipolar is a special case. We have to look out for ourselves and it is so painful to leave the one you love because you cannot help them any longer without destroying yourself in the process.
I am married to a man for the last almost 8 years...was diagnosed with bipolar 4 years ago, but 2 years ago, with borderline personality disorder...try double whammy...He has cheated on me....I tried to forgive him, and rationalize that he's mentally ill, wasn't on meds, etc...then, he started physically abusing me...never once, does he take responsibility...of course it's my fault, that he put his hands around my throat, or spit in my face...If I wouldn't have "pushed his buttons, or ticked him off"...many of you know the drill.
He is hospitalized right now, more because of the borderline issues, and has been in there 2 months, and I have come to realize just how peaceful, and "normal" it is around here. There's no raging, no name-calling, no blame games....I have left him 3 times before, but he seemed remorseful, so I took him back...I wish I hadn't. I am now feeling bad, because I am trying to figure a way to end this marriage, while he's in the mental hospital. But, to all of us non's, we really can and do lose some of ourselves, trying to stay in dysfunctional, unhealthy relationships, just for the sake of our vows....God doesn't want any of us crying all the time. We were all put here on this earth for such a short time, and for a purpose...All adults are responsible to self, first. If we don't take care of ourselves, who is going to? By taking care of ourself, we are better parents, better wives/husbands, better employees, better sisters/brothers, etc....We have to love ourselves enough to keep us safe, and healthy. That's not selfish, that's survival....
I think you leaving the relationship to save your own sanity is healthy. You looked at your situation, saw your options, weighed the pros and cons, and opted for what is best for not just you, but your husband, too....and in the end, I know ending my marriage is best for me, my family, and my husband too....he relies totally too much on me to work, while he doesn't, to pay the bills, to run the house, to take care of the lawn, to take the car to the mechanic, etc....yet he has no trouble sitting on the internet, chatting with other women for hours on end, or memorizing the football stats, etc...he's just gotten too comfortable, thinking no matter how bad he treats me, no matter what he does, that he's got a place here, with me....and it just isn't that way...not anymore.
My wife left me. I did not find out she was bipolar until several months after she left. I felt and still feel, guilty for not recognizing the many symptoms. I thought perhaps I could have reacted differently, with more compassion. she left in a very ugly way to live with another man, this after 6 years of incredible love and devotion. I don't know if she is just bipolar or narcissistic as well. she will not seek therapy in any way and does not take medication claiming she can not afford it. She did have a problem with alcahol. she did not abuse it but when she did, she was out of control; wrecking our car or sex with others. there was nothing I could do or say when she was intoxicated. nothing. I still feel guilty.
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i am a bipolar spouse. i have had bipolar since i was 12 i am now 51. i understand what these non-bipolar partners are saying. bipolar is something that the individual with bipolar has to take responsibility for. i have never cheated on any of my partners. i do not gamble to extreme. i am hard to live with i have had 4 breakdowns and more times in the hospital than i can remember. i am on medication but have to "hold tight to myself" and maintain control. i hate myself. i self-harm to watch the blood flow hoping to feel normal. i love my husband and he gets anything he wants but he is going to leave (i am not good with people). i ache to be normal to stop the noise in my head but am frightened when it is quiet. i want someone to love and accept me but push them away at the same time. my bipolar is my protection in a world i am not equipped to deal with. the life of a person with bipolar is agony. should bipolar people get married or have relationships? we just want to be loved. a lack of chemical in my brain................
You should not blame yourself. It is very difficult, if not IMPOSSIBLE to live with a spouse who is bipolar. I have been married to a man who I didn't realize had a mood disorder, until a few months ago. We have been married 21 years and have two kids... Sometimes the situation feels hopeless and sadness and frustration really sets in... But , we have to be strong and realize we are just the accessories to the constant strain and behaviors of a bipolar spouse, NOT the cause!
I hope you find some peace along the way...... I know I am still searching for some peace myself! Stay strong.. and follow your heart!
Theresa
I'm a bipolar spouse, and I've have not cheated on my husband. I'm not an alcoholic, the worst thing I do (vice-wise) is smoke when I am highly stressed. My husband new my past, my illness, my breakdowns before we got married. He has been my ally, my rock, my anchor. When I am going in the wrong direction, my moods start to get out of control, someone/thing in my life becomes bad for me, he lets me know. I know there have probably been times when he's wanted to throw in the towel, but he's stayed by me. We work on staying open with each other.
That may not always be the case, but I am very distressed to see people referring to those of us with bipolar as not normal. This is our normal. What's normal for one person is not for another, we are normal people with an illness (an illness which should not be used as an excuse, mind you). I know the feeling of wanting to be a 'normal' person, and it's taken me a while to realize that I am. Everyone has problems and issues that are different. God made us. Why He chose for us to have bipolar is beyond our comprehension, but He does not set us problems/burdens that we cannot handle.
*steps off soapbox* Sorry, got a little carried away there :)
I am the bipolar one in our relationship. I have done everything in my power in the past to get my husband to leave, subconsciously I suppose. I have told him to get out, to save himself so many times but yet he stays taking the punishment. I am angry and almost bitter toward him for his stupidity or what he calls his committedness. He is unable to contain his frustration and pain and I get to hear all the time just how horrible his life is and how I have destroyed it when all along I have told him to leave and that I would not blame him nor would anyone else.
I feel so much guilt and pain for destroying someone elses life. I have never meant to cause any of the pain but have and he cannot let all of that go. When I am not performing as I should or as he wants me to, I am reminded of all the past and it cripples me evenmore. I have been in so much pain over the pain that I have caused that I wished the Lord would take me home, the sooner the better. I have children and I love them and they need me too; they keep me in this relationship becaue I feel that they should have two parents but two parents who fight might not be the best thing.
Is it my responsibility to let my husband go and free him from his pain? I don't want a divorce but I know he is dying slowly every day and it kills me! He won't save himself but grows colder and angrier toward me everyday. We do not have much of a physical, intimate relationship because with the pain I have caused him, his reactions toward me have crippled me. I do not trust him with myself and the very minute that I begin to trust him, theres a relapse and the relationship takes 3 steps back. It is a vicious cycle that just won't stop. It has only gotten worse over the years, not better.
I have recognized that I am bipolar, confess and admit my faults and owned the pain that I have caused but I never get the benefit of the doubt from him, he doesn't trust me, we do not seem to have anything to talk about anymore, everything is just dead. I do not have any desire, passion or love left. I love him but not like a wife should love a husband. He has been my father, not my spouse. In his defense, he has only tried to help but I have blamed him for my pain and blame him for the constant lectures and scripture verses. I tell him to pray for me because only God can do what he tries to do. You can't make someone be what they are not and you cannot change someone by lecturing them and telling them how bad they are. It crushes the very soul that you are trying to love and causes them to shut down evenmore.
I am just existing and have been for years now. I don't know what to do. I am in a Christian program called Celebrating Recovery and am trying to find a good Christian Therapists. I live in a glass house and have to put a plastic smile on and pretend because my husband is a pastor and this life has been so difficult to heal. I want to be better, I have committed to being healthy and that means doing whatever it is that is necessary.
My recovery seems impossible because my husband is so hurt by all that I have done and he cannot quit blaming me. I don't know what to do! I have prayed and asked God if I should set him free since he is so miserable with me. The answer that I received was that is his decision. I know him though, he never gives up but becomes angry, bitter and resentful and mean in his times of frustrations. He feels unloved, unimportant and rejected by me. I do not want my worst enemy to feel such pain and it hurts to know it is me causing him to feel this way. I am not intimate and for a male that is like the worst thing in the world but I cant bring myself to being intimate because of the emotional pain he continues to cause and the names and the words. I am not a mean person and I truly do have a good heart. I HATE THIS! I HATE WHAT THIS DISEASE DOES TO ME! I HATE THE PAIN! I HATE MYSELF AT TIMES! I HATE THE PLACE I AM AT! I WISH THAT FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE THERE WOULD BE PEACE!
Just a comment would be nice to hear what others might say. I think he could find the happiness he deserves and needs, not so sure he will ever find it with me :( I wish that I could give it to him but too much, too long not so sure its even possible anymore. I am a Christian and confused about this whole mess.I know God can perform miracles and want one because thats truly what it would take. I almost hate myself for all that I have done, definately blame myself for taking a man that loves me and turning him into a dead person emotionally :( I cry at night. We don't sleep together, pretty much live two seperate lives and its truly, truly sad. I don't want to hurt him anymore; he is a good man but we are not good together. We are actually two people that everyone goes to to talk and we are drawn to helping others, always have an ear, very patient and kind to all but each other. It is sickening but my recovery doesnt happen over night and eventhough I am committed now to taking my meds, they dont always work perfectly. I do see a light where I once saw darkness but I don't think its enough for him anymore. I hate to lose the man that I know loves me but I can't seem to stop it from happening either. Also, if this is love, not sure I want it. I know he is just tired ofthe craziness and the pain himself and cannot help from hurting me either.
I am trying to take the necessary steps to healing but I was sooooo far broken before he even entered into my life. We have three children, please pray for our family! Thank-you for letting me vent and get this off my chest! I am a very sweet, sensitive person but with my husband, I am not the soul God made me to be. I cannot be free. I have too many expectations that I can't measure or live up to :( I am tired and I am laying it all on the table. The truth hurts but I am tired of hiding behind a fake smile and actions that I don't feel. I have never been honest with myself or him aobut me. We have been married 14 years and the first year was the best and the last. I could speak forever but I am truly broken and just needed some ears to listen and someone to know what I was feeling without judgment. I appreciate this web-site and glad that I found it. My husband actually found it when he blew up my phone emailing me all this stuff about bipolar. I always read it just never let him know.
Your