In my last blog I was complaining about having too many things to keep track of and too busy a schedule, which culminated in a reception for my solo show at a local art gallery last night. Well, I got through it all without dropping the ball or going manic, and I can finally relax.
Yet instead of peace and satisfaction, I feel let down and vaguely discontent. It’s that same old song playing in my brain: “Is that all there is?” Why do I always need to look forward to the next thing, either with dread or excitement? Why can’t I be happy in the moment?
Is this a lament of the bipolar condition, or is it just me? I think there are a lot of us working in creative or high-stimulation fields because we crave the rush. We want to perform and to out-perform. We’ll tackle the impossible if it will stimulate our hypomania. And when we’re successful, we love the high.
But most of us cannot run in high gear forever, and when the letdown comes, we crash. I’ve had my share of those, ending in deep depressions that I had to crawl out of just to get back to even. It’s only in the depressions that I really see myself as having a problem, though I know that what goes up must come down.
I have learned over the years to pace myself better, and to shoot for more realistic goals. I know what I need to do in order to stay stable, though I don’t always do it. This past week I was too “busy” to go for my regular walks in the woods, and I know that cost me some stability. I finally went out this afternoon with Adrian and our new dog, Nia. There were a few inches of snow on the ground, magically transforming the bleakness of winter into a visual playground. That’s a good kind of stimulation for me.
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Published On: February 02, 2007
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