Am I a patient? In "recovery"?

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Fri, September 05, 2008

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I was messaging off-line with another community member who commented that she knew when she "became a patient" there was no turning back. I remember for myself, as well, years of concealment, trying to avoid telling p-docs the parts of my experience that might get me labeled as "crazy."

To this day, I'm almost grateful I did, because the meds that were available back then were so dreadful. To have battled bipolar psychosis and suicidality -- but been known as a really smart person who always wore a smile -- was really hard, but it did give me a strong, positive identity. During the early years of my meds battles, which started more than two decades after I began my career, I became so forgetful, disoriented, and chaotic that a young colleague told me one day, "You're just a forgetful person."

That was the day I made the appointment with my doc to replace the Lithium in my meds mix, for which, thankfully, there were finally alternatives which work for me.

But now that my meds are pretty much stabilized (unless, of course, menopause knocks me off kilter ...), I don't feel like "a patient" at all. I feel like a person with a very difficult chronic health condition. Kind of like my friend who has the kind of brittle diabetes where her sugar rises and plummets so unpredictably that she has to test ten or more times daily. She's got a terrific job in one of the best companies in the country, but there are days when after work what she does is come home, turn on TV, and write letters. Cuz that's all she can do that day ... or that week.

Isn't that what it's like for us? Sometimes things are going really well; sometimes we have to take it a little easier. We just have to manage our chronic illness.

As for "recovery" -- well, this side of heaven, I'm not going to "recover" from bipolar disorder. That's part of why I'm looking forward to getting to heaven! I'm looking forward to when I won't have to measure out 15 pills a day for 7 days a week. And that will be for eternity! So this is a relatively short time. Only 164,250 pills to go!

In the meantime, I live with my illness successfully, just like my friend lives with her illness successfully. I hope you're on the path to successfully managing your bipolar disorder also.

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nolongerhere

9/ 6/08 9:53pm

Dear Lady behind the mask,

I suffer from bipolar disorder as well and have used all kinds of medications. It was not untill recently that my studies of this disorder called bipolar and the help of a dear friend psychologist has led me to believe that I could conquer the disability and be stronger than it is without need for medication. I have been able to stop my medication (gradually going off it) last year and I am now nearly 50. It takes great determination and courage to manage without medication as well as much self discipline and strenght. But it can be done. I have been on Lithium and a variety of other nusty medications. If we find the courage and the wisdom and we are willing to go off the medication slowly and gradually with the supervision of a doctor and the help of a cognitive psychologist we can live without medication.

I still get high and depressed these days but I have found a way to put these disorders/energies into some use reminding myself that these periods are not permanent though they seem endless when under the influence of elevated moods and never ending depression. If I am depressed and a silent voice tells me not to get out of bed I do the opposit and get out of bed. If my mind tells me that every effort is useless I try to smile and have a terrific day. It is far from easy and the initial stages take much courage and determination but it can be done though it is almost superhuman. It is not easy but I do not have to wait to go to heaven. as you put it, to experience a medication free life. I am living it and I am proud of it. It can be done only that it takes very developed wisdom, knowledge self discipline and strenght to suceed. I have made it. But, though there are others like me, it is not for everyone to go off medication. Mental illness is a very mixed bag and we are all very different.

Alfredo

LadyBehindTheMask

9/ 6/08 10:55pm

Alfredo, I'm glad that you have found success -- and that you did it working with a professional. It's when we try to go it alone that we get ourselves in trouble, convincing ourselves that we really don't have bipolar anymore.

Your approach reminds me a bit of a book by Fawn Fitter and Beth Gulas, "Working in the Dark: Keeping your Job while Dealing with Depression." Some people really do just keep on truckin'.

Best regards,

The Lady in the Mask

nolongerhere

9/ 7/08 12:45am

Dear LadyBehind the Mask,

Thank you for your kind reply. Yes it is true some people keep marching on because it is the only life that we have and we may as well make the best of it.

Have you thought of the possibility that Bipolar Disorder may be difficult to conceptualize in depth particularly if we start to ask the following questions:

What is Bipolar Disorder? What does it mean to be a normal human being with no mental disorders? What is the difference between a so-called normal person and someone with bipolar disorder? Is moods part of being a human being or part of a disability? How come many artists and scientists have mood disorders just like people who suffer from bipolar? How come that so many productive and intelligent people like Churchill, Van Gough and Lincoln have suffered from mental disorders?

Keep on asking these questions and try to find an answer...suddenly all people become somehow unique in their own person and body yet no one perfect and it becomes difficult to say who is normal and who is not. Add to this the many disabilities and illness of the human species and the task becomes impossible. We have panic attacks, we have phobias, and we have kleptomania, depression, elevated moods, hallucinations, and various other human problems. I would say that most people have some sort of disability and in today's world none of us are really mentally well. The kind of life that we lead based on money and material possession kills the other human drives for cooperation, compassion and love and, most importantly, kills the ability to think with one's heart or spirit.

Bipolar may well be a particular personality manifested in mood disorders that are needed by very intelligent and creative people. In this sense we would find a useful aspect to Bipolar Disorder something that the Polish psychologist/psychiatrist Dabrowski had well researched. Mood disorders are a vehicle to a more perfect self in some cases towards the ability to become altruistic and to care about the whole rather than oneself alone.

Alfredo

LadyBehindTheMask

9/ 7/08 6:10pm

I have to agree, Alfredo, that I'm glad for my quick mind and considerably less glad for my quick tongue. I watch colleagues and professional acquaintainces that I'm almost certain have not acknowledged their bipolar choose to acknowledge themselves as "bridge burners" -- people who routinely trash friendships, jobs, and entire careers as a way of life. And for me, having a brilliant doctor and a very complex mix of the right meds has allowed me to maintain my creative edge while gaining some control of symptoms that, for me, are getting worse as I age.

I really hate attempts to define "normalcy," especially since it so often involves a bland, beige, and (these days) over-scheduled suburban version of reality.

On the other hand, I do know what being in balance feels like for me. And I can't do it without meds. Without meds, I can't sleep. I become paranoid. And so things go downhill from there. And I do rely on the observations of others to help me know when I'm heading off the rails.

So, we find our own appropriate balance. We don't need to choose the same paths. Best to you!

The Lady Behind the Mask

nolongerhere

9/ 7/08 7:40pm

Dear L. B. T. M.

It is interesting that you write about your creative edge. I am interested because I am very creative myself being a pianist, songwriter, composer and a visual artist. It is good that the type and quantity of your medication does not affect your creativity. These days I am a full time carer for my wife who has also severe bipolar but I still create art works when I can.

There is a very marked correlation between bipolar and creativity (genius and madness) and both share some similar traits such as mood swings. I know little about it but I feel that bipolar and creativity are more correlated than we like to think. I could be wrong though.

I agree that the so called normal people disply some madness sometime more severe than people who suffer from bipolar hence the question what is "normal" and what is not?

Please tell me more about you if you would like to. We may have a lot to share. I am writing from Australia, Sydney to be precise. It is a beautiful country Australia similar to America but with less people and more of a tropical place.

Alfredo

Anonymous

9/ 8/08 9:10am

Alfredo, I would encourage you to read Kay Jamison's book on creativity, "Touched with Fire." She argues that hypomania is a state in which much creative work is done, but is not necessary to creativity. And being bipolar herself (and a Macarthur Fellow -- the "genius grant" in the US) she speaks from experience.

I'm a writer, with hobbies currently in photography and jewelry making; past hobbies including various fiber arts, floral design, wedding cakes, and pique assiette. I enjoy color and texture. My job allows me to do a small amount of graphic design of minor brochures, etc.

Best regards,

The Lady behind the Mask

nolongerhere

9/ 8/08 2:25pm

Dear LBTM,

your replies are very interesting. I agree that much creativity is done under hypomania but it is also true, at least for me, that some people can be creative while depressed. I would say that mood swings are the source of great inspiration for artists. There is a thesis by a Polish psychiatrist who suffered from schizophrenia on the correlation between mood swings and creativity and what creativity is. I include the address where you can get the full thesis for free if you are interested. It is about 2.5 MB. Just copy this link and it will download the thesis that you can after save if you want to. It is wonderful reading.

http://scholar.lib.vt.edu/theses/available/etd-04082002-204054/unrestricted/Dissertation.pdf

This is my case. I can create works of art under intense depression though it is an escruciating process. The creative process helps me to cope without heavy medications.

Other people have told me about Key Jamison and I will certainly read this book. Meanwhile I have written this in a post and if you have any comments please write these to me.

Suppressed Creativity Misdiagnosed as Bipolar Disorder

Abstract

Creativity is not a single human characteristic but the word should be conceptualized into a number of concerns that are separate yet interconnected. Innovations and discoveries have a bearing on the ideas or objects that people produce; self-actualization refers more to the quality of life an individual leads; and imagination or fantasy points us to what goes on in a person’s head (Gregory, 1987:p171).

To better explain the aspect of creativity that is the focus of this discussion it can be said that it is not the production of certain results such as music, art or scientific theories, but the mental processes that lead to such products. In this sense creativity is a way of life. A person high in creative ability behaves, thinks and acts in ways imbued by the relevant set of characteristics. It is these personality traits that are of interest to me essentially because such traits are common in both sufferers of bipolar disorder and creative people and it is this correlation (are genius and madness related?) that is of interest to me.

Our society is organized to suppress creativity. For example even with advances in educational practices, young children in schools are required to conform, to approach learning activities in ways set out by the curriculum, to cooperate with the teacher and other children who do not share the child’s unique ways of thinking.

By definition creative people are imaginative and original. This makes them act differently from others, and the pressures from most parents, teachers, and certainly from peer groups, is to conform, to copy, to act like everyone else in the group. This constant tension between social pressures to conform and the need of the creative mind to explore and deal with the unknown can be traumatic because it can often be seen as a characteristic of a person who is mentally disabled while this may just be an aspect of the creative anguish. The creative anguish refers to the fact that some people are supernormal, and that the creative urge necessarily leads to suffering. People who suffer from anxiety, schizophrenia and other mental disorders could also experience this creative anguish that in some cases could also be misdiagnosed as a kind of mental disorder. Suffering associated with creativity would occur in any society. But in some societies it is revered, in others allowed. In ours it’s stigmatized. While the focus in this paper is on bipolar disorder the discussion is relevant to many forms of mental disorders particularly given the fact that people who suffer from bipolar disorder often have other mental disorders such as anxiety, panic attacks and other categories.

The aim of this paper is to investigate into the possibility that some cases of suppressed creativity may be misdiagnosed as Bipolar disorder and that Bipolar disorder may not only be a necessary vehicle through which great art, scientific discoveries and innovations are achieved but may also be a part of human characteristics that have been suppressed in our material and anti-spiritual world.

Alfredo

latj

9/11/08 9:12pm

I was like you when there were the "ugly" drugs and treatments. I now am on effective drugs and have found peace within myself. No more suicidal ideaolgy, and my bipolar is under control. I "fought" the disease since I was 13. I am now 48. I learned that with the proper meds, therapy and the support of loved ones and my acceptance and taking good care of myself that I have found the "heaven" here on earth. I had probably more hospitalizations than humanly possible. I've had one in 10 years and am shooting for zero more but if necessary I am not afraid to go in, get the situation taken care of and go on with my life. I finally figured out that my biggest problem was that I had to accept responsiblity for the disease and take care of it instead of expecting pills and Drs to maintain it. I've learned how to cope with my ups and downs and how to "stay" happy. I have gone back to college, finished my Masters and working on my PH D. I always had a hand up about being different, but different I am. I just have to love me 10 times harder and take better care of me. I am a three time Cancer suvivor and have had some other health issues. But being able to find "peace" with bipolar has been the one thing that I always wanted out of life. My Therapist has told me she wishes I would speak at seminars and explain what happened but it's personal and it came after a suicide attempt. I realized that I was taking everything that God had given me for granted. I found a purpose for living even if my life was like I wanted it to be. I healed little by little. I also have PTSD and anxiety but am overcoming both of them. I work with my Drs, they don't tell me what to do anymore. I research and read as much as I can so that I am aware of what is going into my body. I am proud to say that I exercise and love life. Even if I have blue day I try to turn it into something good. I promise you...inside you there is your heaven on earth. It's hard work and determination, but it's all about you. I thank God I found mine and pray that each and every bipolar patient will find theirs also.

LadyBehindTheMask

9/13/08 12:19pm

I really appreciate your unwillingness to "come out" as a speaker, etc. I'm not willing to let my life "be about" having bipolar disorder either.

At the same time, the more of us become "visible" in this online community as people whose lives just involve managing an illness, not being managed by it, the sooner we'll build the kind of critical mass that can start to destigmatize it as a fearful and destructive force.

So I'm all for lots of masked ladies and gentlemen on line! All the best,

The Lady Behind the Mask

latj

9/13/08 8:18pm

You are right. I have for so long felt like I have not been "able" to share because of the fear of being treated as an "outcast" has scared me. I am intelligent and know better but have actually ran into people who have judged me after I trusted them after I "shared" the fact that I suffer from the disease when they had no idea at all. I do wish that there was some small way I could help other cross the line that I did and be able to come from the horrible place I once lived "in" the disease into a fully functioning life. I was once suicidal and very angry and today very happy and blessed to be alive. I have learned that it took ME taking charge of my disease and my care because I had a string of horrid pdocs who just, I felt, overmedicated me so they didn't have to deal with the root of my problems. Through education and therapy and me really learning as much as possible about the disease and setting up the proper support system and being very pro-active in my medications my life has done a 360. I was once a person who Drs and Therapists ran her life and now it is ME running my life with their help. I had to learn to take acceptance for the disease and that I have to take care of myself, not someone else taking care of me. It took me 38 years to realize this and even though it took a long time, I'm proud of myself and glad that I was finally able to find peace and happiness within my heart and my mind. You were correct in your statement. I do wish there was something I could do to explain to those who are stuck in the place I was...I wish I could take their hand and lead them step by step. I know that I probabaly had more hospitalizations that almost anyone..but someone I've found the promised land. I know there is no cure, but there is a way to work "with" the disease. You are a wise and intelligent woman.

Am I a patient? In "recovery"?

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Suppressed Creativity Misdiagnosed as Bipolar Disorder

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