Am I a patient? In "recovery"?

I was messaging off-line with another community member who commented that she knew when she "became a patient" there was no turning back. I remember for myself, as well, years of concealment, trying to avoid telling p-docs the parts of my experience that might get me labeled as "crazy."

To this day, I'm almost grateful I did, because the meds that were available back then were so dreadful. To have battled bipolar psychosis and suicidality -- but been known as a really smart person who always wore a smile -- was really hard, but it did give me a strong, positive identity. During the early years of my meds battles, which started more than two decades after I began my career, I became so forgetful, disoriented, and chaotic that a young colleague told me one day, "You're just a forgetful person."

That was the day I made the appointment with my doc to replace the Lithium in my meds mix, for which, thankfully, there were finally alternatives which work for me.

But now that my meds are pretty much stabilized (unless, of course, menopause knocks me off kilter ...), I don't feel like "a patient" at all. I feel like a person with a very difficult chronic health condition. Kind of like my friend who has the kind of brittle diabetes where her sugar rises and plummets so unpredictably that she has to test ten or more times daily. She's got a terrific job in one of the best companies in the country, but there are days when after work what she does is come home, turn on TV, and write letters. Cuz that's all she can do that day ... or that week.

Isn't that what it's like for us? Sometimes things are going really well; sometimes we have to take it a little easier. We just have to manage our chronic illness.

As for "recovery" -- well, this side of heaven, I'm not going to "recover" from bipolar disorder. That's part of why I'm looking forward to getting to heaven! I'm looking forward to when I won't have to measure out 15 pills a day for 7 days a week. And that will be for eternity! So this is a relatively short time. Only 164,250 pills to go!

In the meantime, I live with my illness successfully, just like my friend lives with her illness successfully. I hope you're on the path to successfully managing your bipolar disorder also.