Underachiever and OK with it

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Sun, September 14, 2008

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Like a lot of us, I started having symptoms in my late teens, which means that my college career and professional career haven't lived up to the promise that my IQ and high school career suggested.

About 15 years ago, I was working a fairly demanding job in technical marketing and a friend asked me if I would teach some evening writing courses in a college program that he led. I didn't even think twice. My job, and teaching Sunday school twice a month, was a "full load" for me. I said no.

My friend, who was juggling a full-time job, a part-time job, and a family of five, was startled, then said:

"Oh come on. You can do more than you think you can."

I wasn't ready to disclose about my health -- we didn't know each other that well -- but the reality was that I was doing exactly as much as I could without risking:

meltdown from too much stress or
failure to follow through on a commitment when depression hit

Over the years, I've continued to take on time- and effort-limited commitments outside work that will limit the chances I will fail others. I've turned down board memberships and a board chairmanship. I focus on off-the-job activities that are not "stretches" because my job and family activities involve as much stretch as I can handle.

Anyone else getting comfortable with their limitations?

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tabby

9/14/08 7:36pm

Congrats for being aware of what may or may not trigger your symptoms and saying "no" when you are aware it wouldn't be healthy for you. I am slowly learning to say "no" though I've known what some of my triggers are over the years. Yet the feelings of guilt and obligation, real or unreal, forces me primarily to accept things that I know will not bode well for me down the line.

Recently, as I shared in a rare sharepost, I forced myself to request a work accomodation for something that I was already being obligated into - that wasn't my required task to start - and this particular duty exacerbated intensely my anxiety. So far, that has helped in that my Director agreed to the accomodation request.

So Kudos for being self-aware of your limitations and sticking by your guns in order to keep your symptoms from intensifying.

Puppet

9/15/08 8:56am

this is a good lesson for us all. youre very wise. good comment Tabby..

side note Lady..whats that a pic of in your avatar...do you know who's art?

LadyBehindTheMask

9/15/08 6:17pm

The pic is from a mask-making company in Italy ... it's a very traditional mask that might be used during the Venetian carnevale. As I think I mentioned in one of my first posts, I think we live behind "masks" for the same reason that people chose to wear masks starting in the 1700s during the carnevale in Venice: so people of all kinds and classes could celebrate together without the usual social obstacles.

BiPoPastor

9/15/08 7:48pm

very well put

BiPoPastor

9/15/08 7:46pm

LBTM,

I most certainly haven't lived up to what I could have done. In school it was as if I could only go so far, and never achieve what was really possible. I have had 18 different careers since college, and the longest I had ever worked at a single job was 2 1/2 years. (However, I have been at my present job for 7 years and counting.)

I used to console myself by thinking that I liked the adventure of change, but over the past 15 years I have found out that isn't the case. That was a fascade I used to cover over my lack of focus and inability to stick with something. This wouldn't have been such a problem if, over a single weekend, I convinced my new wife of one year to sell everything we had, and move to California. What we didn't sell, we simply left behind.

After only 6 months, I had to return, so we came back with nothing, other than a depressed wife and a manic husband. On the bright side, we have now been married nearly 19 years. But my poor wife never gets a break; she works with developmentally disabled adults during the day, and has me to come home to.

I have tried and failed too many times to count. I've never had what you could call a success in my life, just a lot of attempts. Now, due to meds, therapy and awareness, I am able to "just say no" when necessary. It's hard to do, but I do it.

However, at 51 years old, it's a little too late to start over, or fix the old. I guess I can always be an example of what not to be.

Peace,

WCS

LadyBehindTheMask

9/16/08 8:50am

Winston, it seems to me that you already have started over. You've held this job three times longer than any other in your life -- which suggests that you're settled into a career for the time being. You're learning to "say no."

One of the people who has responded to my posts is working on her PhD at age 48 after being a homemaker for all her life. I'd say she's "starting over" professionally at just about the same age as you.

And I would give you and your wife big kudos for the long-term marriage. You've gone through a lot together. Your loyalty and commitment would be remarkable today, even if there were no unusual challenges. So may God continue to bless you both!

All the best,

The Lady Behind the Mask

Jackie Greenberg

9/17/08 7:23pm

I so understand what you are saying, I'm very intelligent, and could do so much more, but family and just getting done the basics are about all I can handle, I too have problems with getting manic about something and then the depression hits and I give up. I have an extensive family history of mental illness, and my husband is also bi polar, both of my children have issues also. I don't want them to go as long as I did before getting the help needed, both of my children are in therapy and my son is on meds. I wish more people would share their stories, because this is alot more common than people think, and there are effewctive therapies to help, make life more managable.

Thank you for sharing your story, it's nice to find someone else who understands.

Suzanne

9/27/08 9:46pm

I, too, started having problems in my teens (suicide attempt at 15) & had a bipolar mother who did complete her suicide attempt when I was a teenager. After DECADES of turmoil & incorrect diagnosis & treatment I finally began the correct treatment at age 45, but it took a year of trial & error to find the right meds (combo of 6 currently).

Lithium was great. Unfortunately, I had kidney malfunction on it. Geodon knocked me out to the point that I fell asleep while driving. Depakote took care of the agitation (I was in a mixed episode) but did nothing for the depression & on & on.

When I finally became fairly stable (for 5 years) I began to take classes offered by NAMI (Peer-to-Peer & Illness Management Recovery & WRAP--can't remember what that acronym means!!). I learned so much & got trained to be a mentor (teacher) for the Peer-to-Peer class, Provider Education (10-week class team-taught to psychiatrists, therapists, case workers, etc. in mental hospitals), In Our Own Voice (where you speak to civic groups, halfway houses, psych classes at univ., basically anyone who requests you about the "dark days" through treatment & maintaining wellness with a mental illness & offer hope) & ended up on the Board of Directors of the local NAMI.

I coordinated the Peer-to-Peer classes--lining up the mentors, getting the venue, interviewing the potential participants (they needed to be in a stable enough place to get the benefit of the class), etc. At one point the president of the Board wanted to schedule an extra P2P class (I did 3 a year--my trying to keep a balanced life to keep stress at bay as it was a full-time "job" though volunteer) & I was in the middle of getting my meds changed as I had had a 5-mos. period of hypo mania that I didn't know was dangerous. I just enjoyed it as I had spent most of my life depressed. Well, I suddenly dropped into a depression as I hadn't been sleeping but 2-3 hours a night for that 5 mos. (I had been stable for 5 years previously so I wasn't seeing my meds provider frequently--once a year or "as needed"). My brain just "misfired" & I overdosed.

I knew I was shaky with trying to get over the shock of my overdosing & then the instability of getting my meds adjusted, but I did not want to reveal that to the president of the Board. I thought that was personal. I told her "no", that I could not do an extra class at that time. She basically bullied me, guilted me, persuaded me (by saying she would get me help--never happened) & I could not stand up to her.

So I did coordinate the class. It did go well but it did damage to me. I quit the Board as I felt she disrespected me. I several times tried to tell her I could not coordinate the class at that time & she bullied me. I think because I am a "consumer" she thinks I have nothing else going on in my life & I have done a good job doing this.

But on the Board there is a judge, a psychologist, a few prominent business people, etc. I doubt if one of them said "Sorry, I can't do what you are requesting" that she would bully them like she did me. It's like I really didn't count.

Anyway, I fell apart afterwards--changing meds & the stress of dealing with her & the demands of coordinating the class (though that is very rewarding) did me in. I basically had to quit all my volunteer work with NAMI. And this is all VOLUNTEER work with a mental health advocacy organization that knows of my dx & considerations I should take regarding balancing my life!!

LadyBehindTheMask

9/28/08 3:33pm

I am so sorry that happened to you! And you are exactly right ... a mental health advocacy organization should know --- better than any other -- that when a consumer says she's at her limit, she's at her limit. Blessings to you, sweet sister.

The Lady Behind the Mask

Underachiever and OK with it

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