I am searching for my own help and am hoping this will be the place to find other caregivers and hear what has worked for them as far as taking care of themselves.
Living with a BiPolar does require a lot of patience and there are those days where we just are not as strong as other days. Just looking for some handson advice. My biggest challenge is when he is aggitated and extremely demanding of me. I can be sick in bed with the flue and he is all but dragging me out of my bed to take care of what he needs done right now! Does it really need to be right now, no but he does not understand then starts to tear me down verbally on how I never do anything to help them and how everyone and everything comes first. He really does not see that his needs always come first because he usually does not give me a choice. I can be at my office at work and he will call profusely until he gets what he wants which is unfair to my office staff as well as he will yell on the phone to get me NOW. I am past the embarressed point but he really is starting to wear on me. Others close to me are seeing my spark is not quite as bright. As I get older it is harder to spring back. I am one of those people that digs deep for the good in the bad. I hang on to his good side and would prefer to not have to give that guy I know up but if I do not find a way to take better care of me and find a better balance for I am afraid I may have to let the relationship go. He now claims he will go back and get on the proper meds but I have been there heard that so I am skeptical right now. I appreciate any input you all may have. I am a able to take straight forward and would just prefer it. I need a good smack in the chin! :)
You said you could do the straight forward and well... all this is just me reply. I know, so many folks will say I'm blaming you when it is all "the Bipolar's fault". Well, I am actually BUT only partially.
What folks do not get is when there is a problem in a relationship, and it affects and effects the entire relationship, it is not just 1 sided. Both or the numbers of folks each have a contributing factor in the state of the relationship YET it's so much easier to lay 100% of the blame on the one making the most noise... I get that rationale but it just isn't so - it is 50/50.
See, you 2 have this understanding built in. He uses his "illness" to ramrod over you, you become his "caregiver" instead of his wife and see him as so very very ill. Thereby, giving strength to his use of his "illness" to ramrod over you. It is a behavioral response to his moods that he has learned over the years that works for him.
You, do not have enough inside confidence within yourself to say "you know what, I'm not taking this shit and this is how we are going to have it" from day #1.
You did not and have not set boundary lines with consequences should he cross them and stuck and followed through on the consequences. You just went along, to avoid and make peace cause you love him and well.. he's sick.
If he has given you clear history of physically abusing you should you not cater to his every whim and thus you've been sidestepping and cowling to avoid such (cause I can see this)... then the verbal is just verbal and well, you are the embarrased one when he makes a scene... he isn't in the least otherwise he'd not make the scene.
If there is physical OR you are physically afraid of him, then you are in a mighty dangerous place and your need is to secure your safety cause you are more important than he.
You are more important than he, regardless.
Verbal is bad, it's very bad. I get it. When it's used as a means to tear another down, to hold another down, it is downright abuse. If it's a byproduct of stress, raging frustration, exasperation and it comes from venting... it is another issue and it is always always always always the one who is spouting it's problem.
The verbal also works against the other if the other believes what is said. Yes, I know that over time and hearing it, how can you not? but that is where the personal confidence and strength comes into play and you can get all that back.
IF YOU KNOW that you are not doing the things you are verbally screamed at, IF YOU KNOW that you are not what you are verbally described as... and you keep believing all this... then it has little sting in which to hurt you with. Then you look at the person spouting it and shake your head and think "Oh you little little sick man that this is how you need to get attention."
Let me see... you've partially allowed the setup you have, he does not have the incentive to get on meds if someone does all his bidding for him and "caregives" him, he is acting like a spoiled 5 year old having tantrums, and if you remove the Bipolar Disorder completely out of the picture as though he never ever had it... he would be classified as a full on abuser these days and thus, you'd be the abused.
Now... what you choose to do with your life is completely up to you. Stay with him, leave him, partially separate, trial separate, etc... is completely up to you.
He isn't on "proper meds" and likely isn't seeing a therapist. He also is likely not working (or partially working) and therefore has no structure or purpose in his life or he'd not spend his whole day ruining and destroying your day to get your undivided attention.
So, you can go to marriage counseling but I doubt he'd go. Or, you could go see a therapist yourself to help you cope with the traumatic stress, depression, and chaos within your life that you have helped.
In therapy, you'd also find the strength, spark, confidence, and positive reinforcement you've been lacking for quite a while. It will also give you tools and coping skills to learn and use over time to better yourself and to keep yourself strong cause he isn't and won't be the first person you'll come in contact with like him because even those who are supposedly "normal" can and do the precise same thing.
You always have choices.
Thank you for you honesty. I need a lot of that. You are right about the 50/50. I do not claim to be perfect in this relationship, never have and never will. Yes, addressing my challenges with him does make it seem one sided. That is not my intent. You are right about consequences and following through as well. I am the worst at caving when it backfires to keep the peace. Yes, I cave and jump to his every whim when he puts me in an embarrasing situation. I do that to protect the people who are caught in the middle or are exposed to being around his rages especially at my office. They are innocent bystanders and by protecting their feelings and environment I am enabling him.
He is NOT seeing a therapist. We have gone a few times. He ends up quiting when they focus on him. He is unwilling to go to individual therapy. He thinks we should only go together. I have told him that I feel we both need to see someone individually and we should see someone as a couple, a team. We are partners in life and we need some serious coaching. Both of us need it.
In the earlier years I honestly just thought he was Italian. He convinced me it was his roots and his upbringing. For the longest time he convinced me that I did things to set him off. I questioned myself for such a long time and went to see someone. The therapy was great for me as I walked out of the first session realizing I was fairly normal. I was a classic co-dependent. I do blame myself for allowing this cycle to continue, not following through with consequences.
He FINALLY claims he is willing to go to a psychiatrist and work on seeing if we can find the correct medications to better balance him. Of course, I have to make the appointment. When big things come up he basically becomes unable to make decisions. Even our regular physician has requested that I attend all of his regular check up appointments as he feels my husband is unable to make decisions. We have talked about that as there was a point our Dr was checking him for dementia. He gets so confused sometimes and becomes very combative. It is amazing how symptoms can appear to be other things.
I think the biggest mistake we caretakers make is after so many years we feel responsible for their actions. Even though we know we are in a bad situation that if we leave our bipolar mate that we will be looked down on by other for abandoning them in some way or ''What if something happens to them?" I would never forgive myself. I hear what you are saying and I thank you very very much. I have had friends and family say similar things out of concern for my own mental well being but I think it slaps harder (which is what I need) when someone on the outside looking in says it.
We have separated so many times over the past 12 yrs that I can't remember how many times. Many of those separations were him storming out and going to some friends house telling them I threw them out on the street when in actuality I may have said, you need to leave and go cool off. I have explained to him that if we decide to separate right now that I do not see myself allowing the revolving door to continue to open and close. I am worn down, I feel defeated and unable to manage this any longer. I look at myself in the mirror and I see a tired woman. I have kicked myself so many times as he has left on his own all those times and I could have gotten out of this situation so much sooner. My battle is the word "Failure." This is a second marriage for me. The first marriage could have lasted forever. My first husband got itch for greener pastures after 13yrs of a decent life together. Once the divorce was final he wanted to start dating me. I disallowed it as I did not want my children to go through that, get too hopeful and hurt again when Dad decided he needed to play the field again as he had left 2 other times with this "I don't know what I want" pattern. I did not want to damage my children that way. Fortunately we were able to be friends and great parents. Now I look at myself and say well, you won't be a failure if wash your hands of this challenged lifestyle. Maybe I am failing myself and those who love me by keeping the rollor coaster going on this never ending emotional ride.
Thank you so much, I truly appreciate it.
If he ever becomes physically threatening to yourself or any others (and of course, to himself)... call the authorities immediately and explain he is mentally ill, with no meds, and is threatening or has acted etc...
Had to say that first.
This is something that I've had to learn and I've learned it a very hard way and it's taken me so many years. I'm still learning and re-learning it cause I slip up.
We are only responsible for our own actions, our own thoughts, our own beliefs, our own responses to others. Others are not responsible for what we do, what we think, what we believe, or our responses to them.
Once we realize that we are not responsible for someone else's behavior, thoughts, responses BUT that of our own.. and we realize our own may need some improvement because we seem to keep repeating what we see or feel is negative... and we seek to change and improve that within ourselves and how we project ourselves out towards others and to the world surrounding... do we see a change all around.
It can be either positive or negative but it all comes down to one simple thing; it's all up to us - individually.
If you were to leave him and he do something to himself as a result, then why would it be your fault?
Seriously... that is the guilt that you've allowed him to instill in you. If he did something negative to himself, then he would be choosing to do it to himself. It has not one thing to do with you and everything to do with him.
If you left and later he came down with dementia, that also would not be your fault. It would be a medical illness that hit him like the Bipolar and whatever else.
You would not have caused dementia (just as you did not cause Bipolar) and by you not being there to assist, he'd have to find someone else... he'd be reponsible for himself or some one would ensure he'd be cared for in some manner. It would have not one thing to do with you.
You are not him, you are you.
The thing is; with the co-dependency that you said you acknowledged... he has gained everything by having you - and you've lost everything, including yourself by him gaining you - you gave yourself and your power to him and he gladly took it and added it to himself.
You stepped out of the Wife clothes and into the Mother outfit over time. He is not willing, by anything you've typed here, to do anything for himself in order to better his situation or to achieve any type of positive health. He may, or may not, have signs of dementia and yes, there are many other disorders that have symptoms very much that of Bipolar but there again... this has been going on likely longer than the dementia possibility (the unwillingness to do anything for himself).
You are not a failure unless you believe yourself to be and if you do, then there is where it has all started. I don't believe for a second that you are a failure.
I think that you've just been beaten down and weakened and drained by giving him and others so utter much of yourself. You have not lost ALL of your power, cause you posted here but, you've lost a great deal of it.
If you feel that marriage joint therapy would be most beneficial for the 2 of you then by all means go for it. If he is willing to go to joint therapy and you are also, then go for that. It's all your choice and your choice to choose.
Yet, I still think that individual therapy for you and only for you would be probably a very beneficial thing for you & would assist in saving yourself and re-gaining your power.
He needs to do his own therapy (as well as the meds) as well cause that would benefit him tremendously.
My thought only is, and finally is, that you need to stop trying to save and protect him and others, you can't. You need to start trying to protect and save yourself. You can do that, even if, you choose to stay with him.
Double Wow! Thanks I needed that! You are 100% right. You all are amazing people. Thank you. I am NOT his Mother but you are right I am acting as if I am. I need to cut the apron string immediately and I vow to start now. I need to turn off the guilt caused by manipulation.
I should have persued he keep seeking for answers when they determined it was not dementia. Deep down I already knew it was Bipolar but was in my own denial hoping it was something else. I did that to myself. I accept the responsiblity that I must first change back in me, the person. This whole situation has taken the individual away. It leave you feeling not allow to just be you as you feel so obligated to be something else to please others and actually believe you will get something positive out of it in the end.
Thanks to you all I am realize that "Me" is still in there. I am going to invite her over for coffee and have a good heart to heart with her and welcome her back into my life. I just can't thank you enough, sniff, sniff (happy tears, relief)!