This is all new for me, but I thought I might give it a try, see how it works for me. I've never been to support groups, since I don't function well in groups.
I have read a number of autobiographies of BP-people, but mostly could not relate to their life stories, since all authors I came across have BP I. I am more a BP II kinda girl....
BP is as diverse as there are people suffering from it. I's like to find some people with whom I can relate.
Looking back I have suffered from BP since I was 15. That is when I had my first major depression. As with many people, I was treated as suffering from Major depression disorder. Often I refused to take anti-depressants, because I didn't like taking meds. Little did I know that at some point in my life I would depend on them to get me thru the day!!
However, I also suffered from hypomania. In my case I haven't known anything else than having racing thoughts and being able to "hear" them thru the night. My sleep was always very light. For the longest time I was able to direct my thoughts towards the future. I was involved in work in Ukraine where I was able to work hard and think hard about the work we were doing and ow to solve the numerous challenges coming our way. But I was also irritated, sometimes beyond measure. I had anger outbursts, hurting people, so I always had to go back and ask forgiveness. I always wondered why other people didn't work hard. Not knowing that they were normal, and my input wasn't!
My moods could last for a minimum of a year, and often longer. But, as you all know, after the hypomania I would crash. Also for long periods. Once I started a new job and crashed within the first 4 months. I was devastated, thinking it was me and I wasn't able to do what had to be done. It was my fault. Since I live in the Netherlands and I was working for the government they couldn't get rid of me. This was a blessing, cuz how do you explain that kind of hole in your CV?
After I got my diagnosis I finally started to understand what was happening every time. I was not to blame.... It took a good while to get that. And then of course the ramifications that come with the diagnosis. I still struggle with it, cuz it simply sucks.
After I was diagnosed as burned-out early in 2006, my BP went haywire. I was continuously all over the place. I eventually started on anti-depressants. In December 2006 another anti-depressant was added by my GP. And I got crazy! It thru me in hypomania big time! My thoughts were driving me totally nuts.... I went to the hospital, but they decided I was not suicidal enough and sent me away. I took myself of one of the meds and ever so slowly things calmed down a bit.
I finally was convinced to see a Pdoc. Thankfully, my counselor could speed up the process and in early January 2007 the Pdoc diagnosed me with BP II. I responded well to the Depakine, so it didn't take forever to find the right meds combination. I did have a bad episode in May 2007 where a bad situation triggered a solid paranoid response. Since my councelor was away, I did not feel save at all and withdrew from any contact. Eventually the one friend I was still sort of in touch with convinced me to go to my Pdoc and he prescribed me anti-psychotics. I eventually came off of those. Haven't had such an episode ever again, but now there is this 'confusion' if I have BP I or II. I consider myself a II.
Welcome to the community.
I enjoyed reading your post, sounds like you've done some fun traveling.
It sucks with the meds. Some work, some don't. Sometimes after using one for 3 years, it stops working or messes with your blood. It's a rollercoaster ride.
And you never really know what your in for on a med change.
Good luck with your move. Hope you come back and visit.
I forget what the difference is between I and II.
Thanks for responding!
Yeah, the meds working/not working sucks. When I was living in the States (that's where I got diagnosed) Ambien XR 12,5 was prescribed and I did pretty good with those. Back in Holland since July 2009 I discovered that the type of Ambien meds they have here is not as strong as what I took in USA. So since then my sleep meds have been changed several times. Once the meds gave me severe anxiety attacks, no fun! At the moment the meds I take let me sleep deeper, which I really like, but I don't sleep always long enough. Oh well. In a couple of weeks I will be seeing a new Pdoc, he is specialized in mood disorders, so I am hoping he and I will get along...
The difference between BP I and II: BP I is what was always called manic-depressive, meaning having the true manic side with hallucinations and psychosis. I don't know when, but at some point the Pdocs realized there is more to the manic-depressive illness and that is when the name was changed to Bipolar I and II. Bipolar II is also called soft Bipolar since the symptoms are 'softer', meaning no full blown manic, but hypomanic episodes. It's enough though to upset your life. It's harder for people to get that you are sick, since they don't really know what it is. Even thouh more and more people are getting diagnosed (which is good - I struggled unknowingly from when I was 15 till I was 39) there is a whole lot of educating to do. I found that in the USA it was easier to talk about it and I didn't mind so much if people knew. That is, the people around me. Here in the Netherlands I am much much more careful, since there is a true stigma here. Also, it is hard for people to understand that you 'suddenly' have an illness. When I am struggling with my moods, generally people would say: get over it! Just make up your mind! As if will power solves the problem. Well, I have come this far on my will power till 2005 when my world started to fall apart. In 2006 I was diagnosed with severe burn-out. Since then my will power is not able to 'solve' my mood. Cuz that's not how it works. Then in 2007 the diagnosis BP II came out. Since my one episode with paranoia, officially that is enough to be BP I. But apart from that time, I have always been in touch with reality. So I figure I have BP II. I definitely suffer from a so called 'softer' form than BP I, but it is still enough to make a mess of my life. Especially after a more than one year stuggle with suicide, my BP is not stable anymore. Meaning that before my moods could last a year or even longer, but now I am just all over the place. I am still not able to work and haven't worked for 4 years now. I do voluntary work for 6-8 hours a week, like 3-4 afternoons.
Well, sorry for rambling so much. I guess it was about time I hit this website to get my story of my chest!! Hope you don't mind....
I will check out your posts, too. I have been 'wandering' around to get to know some people's stories. I really like to relate with others. So tahnks again for responding, I appreciate it!
I hope you like your pdoc.
I see mine tomorrow. She's relatively new, about 6-9 months. My prior one was a large practice. I swiched to a smaller 1-doctor practice. No nurse practitioners. Going to the same DR every time.
I've found that I rely more on my therapist. I found a good one who likes me and remembers what we talked about last time. She has a wealth of knowledge from her experience with other patients, to knowing the town and how to hook up with interesting things to do.
Thanks for telling me about BP1&2. I haven't had a lot of bad manic episodes. Like 5 in 10 years. But they're bad when they happen.
Take Care,
C
Happy for you that you have a good therapist - it's so important! Mine is also for me a rock in my shaky, swinging world. He decided to help me back in april 2006 and I have seen him on a weekly basis since. Even though I am now in the Netherlands (and not in the USA anymore), we still continue our sessions thru Skype, where we can see one another and talk for free. What a wonderful invention!! It took me a long time to learn to trust him. I am also dealing with a lot of trauma, which has made my BP worse. But he has so much experience with BPs, he is such a great help in explaining what is going on and how to deal with it. I am very blessed with him.
And of course at my first visit to my new pdoc, I was late! So, so frustrating...
But I think he and I will work ok together. He wants me to write an action plan. I think it's a good idea, epecially since I find it hard to know when to start seroquel when my hypomanias start. I positively hate seroquel because of how zonked out I feel. My memory gets lost and I am dead-tired. It takes quite a while for those side effects to wear of some. But it does deal effectively with my hypomania.
You wrote somewhere that there are about 5 people around you who help you keep check on your BP. How have you set this up? How does it work for you?
I am asking since I am thinking/talking wiht friends about this. I don't have any family close by, so I have several friends who know me well enough, and whom I have asked to take on responsibility if something happens, or if they think I need to be checked into hospital. I will be taking a friend with me next Wednesday when I see my pdoc again, because he wants me to write this actionplan.
well, have got to go to bed, it is 2.30 a.m. right now. I don't have my own place anymore. I had to move out of my temporary place and moved my stuff in the basement of a friend. I am living with a family I know from church till the end of the month. I don't know what will happen then..... Because the circumstances are so unstable, I got into a hypomanic episode...... SHIT. and so I am now on seroquel, I hate that stuff! Zonking me out big time. Anyway. Enough for now.
Take care!
the Crazy Rambler (formerly pushok4me)
That's cool you still see the therapist. I'd go nuts if I had to give up my therapist. I could deal with a new pdoc if I had to.
One friend, his wife has bipolar. He's generally pretty busy, but it's nice to know I can lean on him in a pinch.
Another friend, we got real close, going to lunch all the time, she's seen me bad and good. We've sat in proximity for 10 years. If you really know a person, you can read it on their face if they're not right. One time, my car wasn't ready in time, so she drove me to my pdoc appt and sat in on it - one of those 3 minute specials - she was shocked.
She is most concerned over my tremors. The come and go, mostly when I'm around new people. She will remind me that I forgot something. Little things. Now I've moved 2 floors away, so we don't see each other as much.
I have a few other friends who have visited me in the hospital before.
One waits for me to talk about it. But he has a friend with BP that he talks to on the phone all the time. So he's well educated.
Another friend, she was real supportive and resourceful.
Unfortunately, my boss knows - because he did paperwork when I was on short-term leave.
And of course family. A sister lives close by and I live with my mom and brother. Mom knows that diet and sleep are very important for me.
Once people have seen you in the hospital, they want more information on the disorder.
Sometimes I ignore symptons, or just get used to them, so it's good to be reminded.