Had a crappy little cold for the last week; glad it's done now, but with all the Tylenol & Motrin I've been taking & not getting exercise (then today I tried to do some weights at home & hurt myself), I am now really depressed. Acutely and fundamentally - "Feel like s***" in the short term & "Am I EVER going to be ok?" in the long term. I'm SO tired of all of this. Also sick of hearing myself talk about it. I was really hurt yesterday we got a b-day card from my husband's aunt in the mail, and she didn't write any letter with it (or at Christmas, either), when she always has in the past. I can't help but think I've blabbed too much & been too negative, that I keep pushing everyone away. I feel like a crazy freak. Everyone is well-meaning, but even the most patient people get sick of me & my blubbering. I wish I could put myself into a coma until all this s*** is done.
Calling a highschool friend tonight. Lucky for me he is a social worker.
I'm so tired of this merry go round. Can't get off of it. I read today that the suicide rate is higher for bipolar than it is for unipolar depression or even schizophrenia. Not surprising, really.... Ok, take a sobering breath at the thought of suicide. Shake it off. The idea of suicide is actually a comfort to me, kinda like self-mutilation - it is a relief for people, because it immediately reminds you that you ARE indeed still alive and you DO have something left to lose.
Thanks for listening
