Well, now I feel like a fool - I have made everything sound so easy (see my comments on GJ Gregory's recent post on Triggers), but I think the past couple days I've been hypomanic - and sure enough, today I'm feeling the corresponding depression & things don't look so easy anymore. I'm lucky my meds keep my highs and lows from getting too extreme, but it's still annoying how I can get fooled everytime with the hypomania, thinking I'm doing 'well'. It's so disheartening to be told that, when we feel so good, we are actually ill...we don't want to hear that, but the following depression is the proof, I guess - and now, I'm thinking everything is too hard & will I ever get better. I know intellectually, it will turn around, but emotionally, it's just too hard & I feel like it will never end. Just like during the hypomania, I feel like it will just go on forever; no matter how many times I go back and forth, this time it's 'for real'...
This time around, during my latest hypomania, I began looking into taking all kinds of courses - aerobics, weight training, meditation, running, ... oh but if I want to get into running, I need to fix that bum knee first - so I actually went to physio this past week to get started on that venture! Buying several cd's on the internet (normally I buy just one at a time), and becoming a voracious reader, getting all kinds of library books (ok at least I'm not buying them), on running, bipolar, meditation, living the simple life (how ironic LOL), managing chronic pain, astrology. Looking into getting laser resurfacing for my bad skin. Looking into vitamin therapy & emailing a naturopathic doctor (she has not responded). Went to a free seminar on Mindfulness for Moods, and I have signed up for an intensive 8-week course on Bipolar Disorder, starting in 2 wks (that I am looking fwd to, actually). Seeing the pdoc's dietician today, to check up on my diet's progress (not doing as well as I would've liked)... I am bound and determined to be Healthy Healthy Healthy! And Enlightened. And a Better Person. But after a while, all this activity becomes a blur & I get disoriented and confused...then I realize, Gee, I'm neglecting my usual exercise routine, not eating as well, and my chronic pain problems are flaring up...before I know it, I've spun out of control & now I am crashing down & now I am trying to pick up the pieces. So this is how 'triggers' get missed, isn't it? So no, it isn't that easy, is it? As my confidence plummets, I am humbled once again.
