Hi Friends,
To my fellow friends with bipolar. I've actually been pretty busy, socially, which sometimes can really help me & sometimes makes me worse & overstimulated. It seems I'm having a mixed episode these days...thinking too much while feeling horribly depressed (BAD combination). Got together with 2 different friends this past week. Went to my in-laws yesterday & vented to them when I was feeling especially down, which helped....Bad depression last 2 days, after having a few hypomanic days that I thought were 'good' days, in fact I thought they were 'I'm back to my old self' days. It's so horrible how even the so-called good days are in fact ill days, so the bad days are bad & the good days are bad & so what am I left with. I completely fell apart last week when Nick was out of town for a couple nights. At least had the sense to seek help from my inlaws & once again they really helped...but that crash has really disturbed me because I thought I was much stronger than that. Then the other day, one of my closest friends told me she believes I 'wouldn't be here with us' if not for Nick. She didn't say it to be mean, and has in fact been through depression (including suicidal thoughts) herself. The worst part is I believe this myself. I also am so scared I will turn into an alcoholic (if I'm not one already) and become even more useless and shameful to society. I am so scared that if anything happens to Nick, I will fall apart for good & be institutionalized for the rest of my life as my grandfather was for the last 10 yrs of his life after my grandmother died. I am completely hopeless in that sense. And even though I realize how lucky I am to HAVE Nick, I feel horribly guilty that I can't be more for him & that I have been dependant for so long & who knows for how much longer; maybe forever. I feel like I am outside of society & while others are working, having kids, travelling, enjoying hobbies, volunteering, and making a difference in the world, I am not. So how the hell am I supposed to 'think positive' when it's been going on for so long & I fear even the doctor is losing faith in me. Even venting is starting to lose its shine because there is less & less hope to follow. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore, and I feel horribly guilty for imposing my dependency on others; I hate myself for it & yet I feel all the more poisoned by my own self-loathing if I don't.
Some might be interested: Matthew Good's blog (local singer with Bipolar), specifically entries on mental illness: http://www.matthewgood.org/folksonomy/mental-illness/
Here's a documentary put on by Stephen Fry (he has Bipolar) a couple yrs ago (there's 14 parts): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yS9o7U33z1k&feature=related
Nick, my husband, has been working so hard lately, it's stressing us both out. I want to do a wknd getaway, but he is not interested anymore. He doesn't like going for dinner like we used to. He comes with me to visit my parents (3 hrs away) maybe twice a year. I don't know whether to blame him, his work, myself, or what. Our lives are becoming all work and no play, and neither of us can seem to turn it around again. He's in over his head, has gained 20 lbs, is avoiding getting his blood tested for cholesterol & triglycerides (knowing it will come out bad). I get paranoid that my disability benefits will run out & that they are now spying on me, as I have heard of in other people's cases, and even on well days, I then feel guilty that I'm 'milking the system'. The weather sucks, continually. My sex drive is all but gone & has been for yrs, with only the odd glimmer of normalcy. The only time I can appreciate what I have is after I lose even more of it. I am blind with depression. I won't even share this with anyone who hasn't gone through depression/bipolar themselves because it would be too scary & burdensome for them, I'm sure - my parents & most other relatives are burnt out, from listening to me wail continually. I'm finding I don't even want to be cheered up anymore. I feel like I'm 300 lbs and the only 'support' available are a couple of toothpicks, so what's the point. I'm so tired of trying, to no avail. My mind is a prison.
