Discouraged & frustrated

Same thing with me.  A D's threw me into mania.  Misdiagnosed as unipolar depression for years.

Have taken the WRAP class.  You'll learn a lot & it has been very helpful for me.  BUT STILL CYCLING...

One thing:  count your blessings in that your husband wants to have sex with you.  With the weight gain I've had on the anti-psych meds I'm on (50 lbs. in 8 years) he has told me he no longer finds me sexually attractive (can't blame him; certainly not happy about the weight myself--but was delusional & these meds were the only ones that worked).  So my reaction to that announcement?? An overdose.  I guess I'm not quite as stable as one would hope so off to more therapy, more meds adjustments, more group therapy (DBT). 

Hey, look on the bright side.  You're looking for a job.  I'm looking for a life.

In my personal view, one only lives a "disabled life" if one chooses to view themselves as disabled.

Granted, if your life primarily consists of the illness and managing the illness every single day thus causing great focus and concentration to the point of possible obession, I could see where one would view themselves as "disabled". 

When I was first diagnosed, I spent nearly a year absorbing all the information I could find about the illness.  I joined this site and I joined 2 other sites as well.  All I thought of was this illness that had been diagnosed in me and what to do and how to do it and constantly analyzing every facet of my life in regards to the illness.  What I found out was that because I spent so much of my life dealing with the illness, I became less and less able to actually function in society and in private.  It was all about Bipolar.

Since then, I have become less absorbed by it.  I have episodes, waves, tsunamis of episodes but, I try not to become so consumed by it.  So, I don't view myself as "disabled" nor do I view my life as "disabled" because truthfully, I am only disabled if I want to be.

Getting into the WRAP treatment is a positive step and hope it goes really well for you.  It is a kinda new form of therapy in my area for those with Bipolar and in that DBT isn't offered a lot or when those of us who work can actually attend, - the WRAP program is even more rare to find.

I am also hoping you'll be able to find a good job that will allow you to be out there but also not exacerbate your symptoms of BD and those of the other illnesses/disorders you may have.  Your OT can help with that.

You are taking progressive positive steps to living a "real life" and that is something to put in your hat.  It is all about single steps, baby steps if necessary but, single steps; one at a time.

When I feel discouraged about my son's progress or lack of "cure", I try to look back on how it was before treatment.  When I really look at it, I realize that he's better off than he was back then.  I realize that there is no "cure", only management of symptoms.  It's an ongoing process.  What works today may not work tomorrow.  You have a great husband and a strong marriage.  He's proven that he'll stick by you no matter what happens.  Sometimes, just having that support and knowing you'll have someone to hold you up when times get tough, gives you piece of mind.

Good luck with your new program.  I'm here cheering for you.

I'm another type 2 misdiagnosed as depression for 20 years until I figured out I was BP2 ... and then the new doc in a new city said "Well, you've always been treated for depression ... and it's really better to stay on your antidepressant instead of taking it intermittently the way you were in the past." So BANG! my first and only full-blown mania, as a result of an idiot doctor who didn't listen to me.

Now, this may sound discouraging: following that episode it took seven years to get me stable. That's the longest I've ever heard for anyone. Seven years, of course a different doctor, and ultimately very small doses of five different medications, because I'm so sensitive to side effects. And part of why it took so long is that the one med that turned out to be the key only came on the US market (it had been available in Japan for more than a decade) at that point.

But I want to second the folks who say: you don't have to make a life out of your treatment. Find yourself a Sachs chart so you can keep track of your moods, your meds, and a couple other relevant factors. If a support group is helpful to you, good. But fun and friends are also very helpful. For me, it's mostly some kind of creative craft. I can pretty much tell in retrospect that I was pretty hypo when I went through the phase of covering lots of pots with mosaics made out of broken dishes. Boy, did I love breaking those dishes! And I'm a much better artist hypo than I am the rest of the time!

"Real" life ... "disabled" life ... You know, at every moment, life is whatever we're able to do with it. It sounds to me like you're finding ways to bless others even in the midst of your pain. Maybe you'd enjoy blessing others in ways that remind you less of your pain ... bake a coffee cake for a support group member ... go yard sale shopping with one of them ... I don't know ... you have a hint, somewhere, of what would give you even the tiniest bit of joy. And please, dear friend, take it! When you see your butterfly, follow it!

All blessings ... I really believe you will find light at the end of this long tunnel.

The Lady Behind the Mask

So far everyone has given you some great wisdom to digest. I too and I think about 99.9% of us can just about say the same of what it was like in the beginning stages and how the illness consumed our every waking moment.

In all honesty, this is the last thing you really want or need. I equate it to a tooth or ear ach....the more we think about it the more it seems to throb and hurt. Same hold true for our illness, the more we focus on it, the more it seems to be a issue. Now if you were to hit yourself on the thumb with a hammer (I am not suggesting to go out and hit yourself with a hammer)...the pain from the ear or tooth ach will seem less painful because your focus has changed.

What seems to be the best medicine is keeping busy thus changing your focus. You really need to stop with all the charting, every conversation you have revolving around bipolarism and medications with everyone and step back into the living.

My usual sayings are...if it were meant to be it...it would have happened and it could always be a lot worse. This is how I keep a positive outlook on things the majority of the time. I am thankful for what I have (been a have not more often than I care to admit)and focused on that vrs focused on what I don't have and feeling down. Its that glass half filled approach.

For those of you that don't know the glass half filled...some people tend to look at the glass only being half empty instead of half full. They tend to look at the glass as a negative issue of only getting half a glass of water, instead of being thankful for getting half a glass of water too the point of if it isn't full, then I don't want it.

Life is like that too...instead of focusing on what you lost or don't have and changing that focus to what you do have and have gained. This could be as simple of being thankful each morning you wake up to be given another day here on earth to accomplish something to a major accomplishment of seeing your kids go out and make their own way in life...you survived parenthood.

So stop with the obsessiveness in regards to the illness and diagnoses and more on what you would like to do with your life.

Hello Sharon....I always look forward to your shareposts.  Glad to hear you have some good news in the midst of your frustration and discouragement.  I have been where you are:  one three year period of mild to moderate depression.  I was functional and seemed quite normal to others but I knew differently.  And it took its toll on realtions with my husband, including sexual.  I found a new med that helped immensely in a relatively short period of time. 

You are a very proactive and educated person, but you cannot possibly do everything there is to do to keep yourself well.  Talk to you pdoc about a re-mix of meds or possibly adding something new.  Something tells me your meds are off kilter - I could be wrong, but it's worth talking over with your doctor.  You deserve to feel better than you are feeling right now.

Glad to hear you are starting a support group and that you are getting into a Wellness Recovery Action Program.  Mary Ellen Copeland is an extremely gifted bipolar whose programs have helped many of us.  A friend and I taught our own version of WRAP to our support group members a few years back.  It was well received - I still have my notebook and refer back to it from time to time.

Stay positive and I will be in touch.  Still having problems with this drated computer - it only cooperates some of the time.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll get thru this message before it crashes.  Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.  

Judy   

Hello Sharon....I always look forward to your shareposts.  Glad to hear you have some good news in the midst of your frustration and discouragement.  I have been where you are:  one three year period of mild to moderate depression.  I was functional and seemed quite normal to others but I knew differently.  And it took its toll on realtions with my husband, including sexual.  I found a new med that helped immensely in a relatively short period of time. 

You are a very proactive and educated person, but you cannot possibly do everything there is to do to keep yourself well.  Talk to you pdoc about a re-mix of meds or possibly adding something new.  Something tells me your meds are off kilter - I could be wrong, but it's worth talking over with your doctor.  You deserve to feel better than you are feeling right now.

Glad to hear you are starting a support group and that you are getting into a Wellness Recovery Action Program.  Mary Ellen Copeland is an extremely gifted bipolar whose programs have helped many of us.  A friend and I taught our own version of WRAP to our support group members a few years back.  It was well received - I still have my notebook and refer back to it from time to time.

Stay positive and I will be in touch.  Still having problems with this drated computer - it only cooperates some of the time.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll get thru this message before it crashes.  Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.  

Judy   

Your story sounds so familiar. I was diagnosed at age 14 and am now 51. Over the years I have held many good jobs, had numerous relationships, good and bad and thorugh it all I didn't fully understand that I was mentally ill. When I first realized that this was my lot in life and that i would not live as others do I too became extremely depressed. No amount of medication would help. It wasn't until after I began to understand more about me. That even though I will have to take medication the rest of my life and will not be considered normal by social standards that I am still a human being with needs, wants, desires and most of all I am NORMAL. By my standards which is all I have to live up to today. It has taken me many years of groups, medications, trial and error to find my place in life. Acceptance was the first step. I had to accept that this was my lot in life and that it was my responsibility to live to the fullest of my ability each and every day. Some days are more difficult than others and the nights can be very long at times, but there are others worse off than I. It is not an easy road nor a very rewarding one, depending on your definition of reward. WRAP is a wonderful tool in recovery and Pathways to Recovery is another that you may find helpful after you complete WRAP. Give yourself credit for staying alive and getting this far and still searching as well as being willing to recover is a HUGE step for anyone with mental illness. Keep reaching, but take credit for all you have done. I also congradulate your spouse for standing by you. That is very difficult too. You both need support and feedback on how to make each day your own success. GOOD JOB!!