Need Advice

I am very glad and fortunate I found this site, along with one other one which have served as an outlet for me to get more understanding and advice.   Hearing other peoples’ situations does help to know I am not alone.  We started dating in high school and really were happy most of the last 14 years. We even became the icon name for a happy couple.  People in our town always said, “Not everyone can be … and …  But, when this disease hit him, it hit like a brick wall. I wish he would just stay on his medication and try to get help!  He will take medicine for a short time then quit.  He is now addicted to painkillers once again.  Because he thinks nothing is wrong with him, it makes it even more frustrating.

When he finally gets home, he always sleeps on the couch now. He doesn't speak to me unless it is with texting because he needs something. This started again a few weeks ago.  Of course, it has been an on-again and off-again thing for last 4 years.  He is either infatuated with me or hates me (that's how I feel). This epsiode has lasted longer though. I feel like we aren't husband and wife anymore, but just strangers exisitng in the same house.

We have no children, but always use to dream of having a family. I guess it is good there aren't children involved, but that makes it even more serious for me. I am 31 and not getting any younger. I know I want a family, and it is not looking promising here. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I have stood by him through arrests, drug addictions, being committed to psych ward, and more.  But, when he is anger, I am the one he hates and blames for EVERYTHING.

It is just so frustrating and makes me feel hopeless sometimes. I seriously, especially this time, contemplate telling him it is over and to leave. I pay all the bills but one, so he would have to be the one to move out. I just don't want to accept that it is over.

I do love him, but I am drowning here. I talk to no one in our lives because his sickness is a secret. I think that is another reason I am so drained. I spend so much energy trying to keep everything a secret for his sake. He would lose it completely if he thought people knew.

Agghhh!!!!  Please offer advice if you have any.