Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (My Bipolar Husband)

By oakbunny Sunday, June 20, 2010

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I have been married to my husband for three years. He was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder nearly two and half years ago. Living with someone with Bipolar is like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Dr. Jekyll is a warm, wonderful person who would never hurt me. Then, there is Mr. Hyde and he is the beast that lives within the man I love.

Last night Mr. Hyde took over my husband and he became so enraged, cornered me and started calling me so many hurtful things.....even things about me being molested as a kid (very painful things). I tried to walk away, but this just infuriates him more. I finally escaped his wrath through a back patio door and even though he did not hit me, I had to call the police to help keep the peace so that I could gather my things and leave for the night.

The next day, my husband (Dr. Jekyll) was in tears and begging for forgiveness.

I feel bad, but I am having such a hard time forgiving when I cannot forget about the hurtful things that he said. Especially when the things he spoke of caused such psychological damage to my psyche as a child.

I do believe that we should forgive and I know that I should grant this because "it is the right the thing to do", however, I am not finding this easy. I fear that I have been hurt so many times and to grant it, is just inviting more hurt. Then I ask myself, why should I stay with someone that causes me hurt (emotional hurt). A relationship should not be judged by just the good, but how you handle the bad. I now feel depressed by the things he has said about me, I wonder what the correlation of depressive spouses are to those who are married to bipolars????

Question of the Week: Forgiving

Comments (10) | Add comment

tabby

6/20/10 7:51am

Anyone living with an individual who has a chronic illness will eventually become depressed if that person allows that individual's chronic illness to permeate their own living. That is, take that other person's chronic illness as their own and attempt to caregive it or manage it for the other person. It drains and exhausts.

Nurses go through it, docs go through it, and yes... even psychiatrists and therapists go through it. Anyone who cares for another, whether they are a loved one or a total stranger, will go through a bout of depression IF they allow the other person's illness to control their own daily functioning and life.

That being said; YOU have psychological issues of your own that YOU have not dealt with from way back. So, my advisement would be that you seek out therapy for yourself to help you with the demons in your own backyard, so to speak. Cause until you do, every literal thing anyone does or says will trigger these reactions within you that will continue to hurt you and you'll not be able to separate the action from the emotion you experience as a response.

Also, forgiveness is not for the one that did the harm to you me friend. Forgiveness is to release that which is within yourself that is poisioning and killing you. If you have to do it 77+ times, then you do so.

It is not for them, for rarely does anyone care if you forgave them or not. It is for you, to set aside the anger - the pain - the hurt that person caused within you, and set you free. Until you learn to forgive, you will continue to be entrapped by the pain and anger and poison that is within you.

Oh and well.. no one deserves to be emotionally battered BUT you do need to set boundaries and stand by them. If you don't, the other will continue to cross and cross and push and push... this is where the psychological therapy for yourself will help you tremendously because once you find the healing and strength to overcome your own... no one will be able to hurt you with it any longer.

You have to learn to hold your power, keep it, and not misuse it or abuse others with it or to lose it to another entirely.

Whether you choose to continue with this man or not, is something you have to decide for yourself. Yet, doing the therapy or perhaps re-doing the therapy (if you've done it already), would be a strong advisement for yourself.

oakbunny

6/20/10 12:58pm

Thank you kindly, for your comment. I found it very helpful and what you said carries a lot of validity. I will take your advice and once again appreciate you taking the time to help a stranger out. Thank you, thank you

Anonymous

6/20/10 12:56pm

I am the bipolar one and reread it often. I am sure it is hard to be on the receiving end of bipolar. This site does give you great ideas on how to deal with us. We can't help we are sick. All we can do is try like you to make things better. I was hearing all kinds of hateful things from my husband before he reread this. I blew up many times because he was truly pushing my buttons. As the other poster said if you need help in dealing then get it. I am also reading a book called "Dealing with bipolar." Take care of you and your husband, things will get better.

Anonymous

6/20/10 12:58pm

Eric

6/21/10 5:19am

When I say only you can decide whats best for you is that your living it and were not. I have been blessed or cursed to see both sides of the illness. It can and will be a drain to both parties involved. Having been in your shoes before the way I corrected the behaviors or should I say my ultimatums of what it would take for me to stay are as follow:

You have to work your program 100%.
This means its no longer my responsibility to make sure you take the correct medications at the proper times and the correct dosages.
When there is a glitch going on...you know it and its not my responsibility to make sure you do the right thing of calling your therapist and or psychiatrist to get medications changes or appointments.
I will no longer be treated as your punching bag or sit tight and listen to you go off in a rage or tirade. You can and will control that part of the behavior. What works best is saying it frightens you and you get scared. Doesn't matter either way...it has to stop or your out, because its just a matter of time before it escalates to physical abuse.
Lastly if the above doesn't seem to set in or he is unwilling to step up to the plate...it's ok to pack your stuff and don't look back. Forget the illness...you have to come first. Your physical and mental health is the most important thing for you.

oakbunny

6/21/10 1:18pm

Wow!!! You really know where I am coming from. I greatly appreciate your insight. A lot of individuals do not understand the tirades and just how scary it is to go through this. In fact, I have been told to "be there and understand" and it is not that I do not understand, but it is more like I do not think that it is fair to be his punching bag. I have been cornered (literally) while he was yelling and screaming (with no way out). I have tried to leave only to have him barricade himself between me and the door and I have tried screaming for someone to help me only to have him take his hand and put it over my mouth.....and as you stated "before it get's worse" and every time he goes into a manic state it has been getting worse. I will take your advice 100 percent and lay it out there for him as to the rules you have shared with me. Thank you for understanding and taking the time to write.

very bipolar

6/23/10 6:00am

Please don't go setting rules without the advise of a professional. I am sorry you were yelled at and shoved around and he put his hand over your mouth. He was frustrated and this is not the way to handle anything. Your husband was very wrong in doing so. I don't know how long you have been married but in there still is the man you love. I told you I am the bipolar. I get upset when my husband makes remarks to me. I don't like people who hate and abuse others, like bullying schools. In fact if you read my bio that is part of why I finally was diagnosed bipolar I. In one year I have worked hard and will continue. I had a lot of sexual, verbal, and physical abuse in my life. I am never going to get over it in one day. I see my therapist weekly. She tells me I am doing great. My husband loves me though it's been hard. He's done some wrong things that hurt me. I am living the abuses from the past now and my therapist assures me I can recover. My advise to you if you love this man, be patient and help him. You get help on what to do when he has a mood swing or manic attack. When you feel you have no alternative but to give him, my way or the highway, at least you have exhausted all your choices. We bipolars are worth the love. I have been bipolar since my twenties but not diagnosed until fifty-three. Even if you gave him the ultimatum, get help. I hope you hang in there.

Sadwife

7/ 8/10 3:34pm

Oakbunny, your story sound like mine. My husband is also bipolar and has been diagnosed. He is seeking help but nothing seems to work for very long to make him stable. We fluctuate between wonderful loving husband to verbally abusive monster. I fluctuate between furiously angry, incredibly sad, and guilty. I get angry because of the hurt he causes me, I get sad because we can't have a normal life together and then I get guilty because I know if I leave him he is doomed. He will give up completely and probably turn to self medication in drugs. My complication comes in being 5 months pregnant with our baby. He is so excited as am I but I am so scared to expose my child to this unhealthy and onpredictable life. I am at a complete loss for what to do at this point. I am so sorry for anyone that suffers from bipolar or is in a close relationship with anyone that does because it is a terrible disease that can tear families apart. I wish you the best of luck whatever you do.

oakbunny

7/ 8/10 8:45pm

Thank you for your reply sadwife, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I certainly can identify with what you are going through and I know it is not easy for your spouse or you.

I sat down with my husband after posting my original message (when he was not in a manic state) and explained to him how I was being affected by the things that he said. Of coarse, he apologized and stated that if he could help it he would. However, like you this still left me with the residual feelings. Therefore, I decided to go to counseling and then go to group counseling with him.

I am happy to report that since attending therapy for both him and I that things are better. Although, he still suffers frequently with his anger bursts i am more able to cope because I have someone to talk to. I think that you will find this very beneficial too. If you have insurance it should cover it, if you do not then go to a church and there are trained counselors there that you can talk to. Know that you are not alone in how you are feeling.....I certainly understand 100 percent what you are going through. I imagine you are depressed, hurt and all together confused. I think that you will be good and your little one too!! Going about it by yourself can be difficult, it takes strength to find help so don't see it as a weakness. If you ever need anyone to talk to please feel free to write me at

oakbunny@hotmail.com.

prettyprincessb

4/ 2/12 2:17pm

I too have been in your shoes for MANY years. It's going on 9 now since the first episode. It first began when we got married. I had been with him for 6 years before we married and never once had an indication he would be bipolar. On our wedding day it all came out through flood gates it seemed and he went through a manic episode that lasted for weeks. We didn't know what it was at the time and it eventually went away as his stress levels subsided. But it came back within 6 months and he was picked up for streaking through a church on 2 separate occasions. It was then that he was hospitalized for the first time and diagnosed. I spent 4 year back and forth trying to keep him on his medication, in and out of hospitalization. I've been thrown against walls, my son (he was 5 at the time) witnessed a lot of verbal and physical violence. He would preach scripture readings to everyone and get lost driving in well known areas thus forcing me to go looking for him to help him. He would stay awake for weeks at a time and I could no longer keep up with the erratic sleep schedule to make sure he did not leave and drive under a manic episode that could potentially kill him or another person. It was to the extent that the police were on a first name basis and familiar with myself and my last name. After numerous bouts of hospitalization (one of which I witnessed 20 doctors attempting to hold him down and restrain him into a bed and give him a shot to subdue him, which was heart wrenching) and all of the violence and trying to keep up with him, my body just gave out. I too went into a major depression wondering WHY I was given this to handle. I was only 23 years old at the time and had witnessed more in my short adult life than most 90 year old adults had in their entire lifetime. I saw a doctor myself and came to terms with the fact that I myself could not live and control him being a bipolar person nor was it a healthy and safe home for my son which he had taken and just drove off with on numerous occasions like a crazy person. I was scared for my son's well being and my own. I finally decided enough was enough. I filed for divorce and he chose to move to another state. He was hospitalized again another 2 times before coming back to this state. It's been 9 years since the first episode and he is again going through another one as I write this and was hospitalized 4 days ago. Unfortunately because we have a child together, I've still been involved in the episodes as it effects my son's well being and safety. I can honestly tell you that no matter how much control you try to keep on the medication and any ultimatums that are given, there is no way to help a person that will not accept they are bipolar and don't accept the help. My ex husband still will not come to terms with the fact that he is bipolar and needs to take his medication daily. When he misses a day, the episode begins and he feels as if he doesn't need it anymore until a full blown episode has come on and he is hospitalized. This mental illness has put him in trouble with the law on quite a few occasions. And I don't understand why, but for a person going through a manic episode their bodies don't need the sleep or to eat and for those of us trying to help them, we cannot keep up as our bodies will crash after a day of no sleep. If your husband is able to accept that he has biploar, then you too are a step ahead of myself as that is the worst part of the battle. For myself though my ex husband today still refuses to believe he is bipolar or "crazy" as he thinks it is considered. He will continue to go through these episodes until he finally comes to terms with the illness. But the stigma attached to it alone is the reason my ex husband refuses to believe. I hope for your sake you do not have children as I didn't see any mentioned. It has an even worse effect on them. My son is now going on 14 years old and still doesn't understand what his father is going through and gets extremely upset himself about all of it. He has to see a doctor on a regular basis just to talk about all of them emotional harm this has caused him after witnessing so much at his young age. No matter what though, your husband has to be helped by a professional. There is nothing you will be able to do to help him. My ex husband's episodes come about with stress as he doesn't know how to handle his stress. He will be on medication for the rest of his life and has been told over and over that he can lead a healthy normal life on medication. But like I said until he accepts that he is bipolar, he will continue to go down this road over and over again. I wish you luck in your journey. And I can tell you there are others out there going through the same things as you are and even worse. Just keep your head up.

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (My Bipolar Husband)

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