Hi all.
I'm a 46 year old woman. After years of misdiagnoses, I was diagnosed (correctly, I believe) with BP1/Rapid Cycling 3 years ago.
I have fallen in and out of substance abuse since I was 13 years old. My drug of choice for the past 25 years has been marijuana. I have wanted to quit for YEARS (and did, for 5 months a few years ago), but here is the rub:
My husband has several chronic, debilitating health conditions. Until recently, we lived in a state that has legalized medical marijuana, and he had a prescription and smoked on his doctors' orders. Now we live in a VERY anti-pot state, and he has to buy it from a friend. When he does not smoke pot, he cannot eat (he's been down to 125 lbs. on a 5'10" frame), he is in almost constant pain, and he cannot sleep. It is his MEDICINE as much as Abilify and Depakote are mine.
But I can't stop smoking it if it is in the house! Not only that, but I am the one who has to go buy it.
I've tried 12 Step programs, but frankly, I've felt ostracized because of my mental health issues. Also, while I have strong spiritual beliefs, I am not traditionally religious, and I don't believe in an interventionist god. I have found that groups that focus on alcoholism are not so welcoming to those addicted to other substances, and there are no NA groups in my area. Finally, it was just too terribly hard to know it was in the house. Even when I was abstinent, I was not "sober." I couldn't stop thinking about it, either wanting it or being smugly superior for having the strenght to resist it. Can you say "hyperfocus"?
We've tried having him hide it, and only smoke in a place where it would be less noticeable to me, but with the true devotion of a bipolar woman in full mania, I have torn the house apart to find it. I also have a hell of a knack for knowing where he hid it (I've guessed every x-mas gift he's given me for 13 years, and he's darned creative)!
I'm at a place right now where I really want to stop, because my pdoc and I can't figure out if my meds are right or not, because I'm cycling like mad (no pun intended), and mostly living in a constant mixed state; and I really, really, really want/need to get well for our kids. I can't discuss this with my pdoc, because the laws in this state are murky regarding doc/patient confidentiallity in a case of illegal drug use when there are kids in the home.
Finally, I have no support in our new town. No friends, no family (that are emotionally available), no nothin' ... just me, my sick hub, and our three beautiful kids (one of whom is also bipolar + other comorbities). FUN, FUN, FUN.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
I don't have any advice... I have a thought
In what you have posted right here...
You've given yourself every excuse possible to keep up with your substance abuse that you've had since you were 13.
Thanks for your response.
I know ... and I've thought about that (excuse making) a lot. Particularly about my response to 12 Step programs.
But, with that fessed up to, I'm still at my wits end about what to do to help me stop. Please, please, please don't say "well if you really wanted to stop, you would just stop." That would imply that you know very little about either addiction or bipolar, and nothing about the combination of the two (i.e., dual diagnosis).
I hope that didn't sound snippy. I'm extremely stressed on so many levels (real, not BP delusions ... my Pdoc says that even the most mentally stable person in the world would have anxiety issues if they were in my situation), that I'm finding it hard to be diplomatic :-) I didn't mean it to be harsh.
thanks!
I'm really sorry to hear that you fear getting your kids taken away if you tell your psychiatrist about the pot. But until he/she knows about it, then you won't get the right drug combo to get well. It's a catch 22 I know. But if you're caught driving under the influence or if you get so manic that you're taken to an emergency room, then the cat's going to be out of the bag anyway. And if you get so manic that people get concerned for your kids, then who knows what's going to happen. So if you really look at it objectively, then you see that your real problem is manic bp. The pot sort of masks it, but it sounds like it doesn't do that great of a job. Until you address the manic bp, nothing will change. Take courage and explain to your psychiatrist that you and a friend were discussing how the laws work about confidentiality between patient and Dr. on pot use. Ask whether your friend will lose custody of his kids if he (your friend) tells their Dr. about their pot use. Then see what your Doc says. That will be your cue. You haven't admitted anything. As far as the Dr. knows, you are just doing research for your friend. Then you'll know for sure what you're dealing with. Maybe it's not as bad (punishment wise) as you imagine.