Obsessing blows.

By Kad Sunday, September 06, 2009

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So I like that my meds have got me not screaming anymore, trying to off myself, yada yada, bla bla. Even was getting spells of "hyper-hypo the motor-mouthed freak" and "diggity-dig for treasure for endless hours weirdo" near the end of it as well. It sure would be nice to not obesess over what I think someone else is thinking of me though, the stupidest things. Co-worker comes in today...false eylashes smushed againsed her lids...make-up from the night before smeared on her cheeks...muddy clothes...Medusa hair. Most definitely still intoxicated, (not that I hadn't done that same thing at her age). Boss mentions the need to 'fix er up', and I make my usual smart ass coment something like "dude, you are not looking well, shouldn't be doing that on a Friday when working on a Saturday!" I know, mind your own business. From her I always get the "you have no filter" comment, we seem to butt heads but joke around as well so I forget about that other side. She likes to do that in front of other people and then I feel like a dork...and like a handicap as well even though no one knows. And then I'll obsess about some other comment I made that day just because I'm believing what she's said, trying to figure out what everyone is thinking too. I wonder if that is my personality or the bipolar at work...and if it's the latter where is the med that will get rid of it...I'm starting to not care if I would be somewhat robotic! The pdoc I had for a while did say persons with bipolar have unique personalities like everyone else and it's important not to point out every characteristic as a symptom. But not so positive ones...perhaps this will require some kind of combination therapy. So frustrating.

Oh God, I'm scared!

Comments (8) | Add comment

alxv

9/ 6/09 3:37am

Kad I think you are funny, medusa hair?! LOL I like you.

I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated about it. I think you are too hard on yourself. Try to focus your mind on other things when you begin to think so much about what others think or not, that's their problem not yours. Why do you criticize yourself so much? You are only human... Do you like everybody you know? So what if people think for themselves, let them think, are they so important to you? I don't think it has anything to do with BP disorder. At least it isn't, in my case. I used to do the same before I decided that co-workers are just that, strangers, not my friends or important to me, so why bother... Please forgive me if I'm saying something wrong but, you I think you are your biggest critic maybe because you want to fit in and maybe if you look closely why should you? Relax and just be yourself and love who you are. I don't think you could harm anybody on purpose. You can control your thoughts with or without meds. You're the boss "dude". If you don't like the way you talk, then change it. Personally I think you have a great sense of humor.

alxv

9/ 6/09 3:39am

Kad I think you are funny, medusa hair?! LOL I like you.

I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated about it. I think you are too hard on yourself. Try to focus your mind on other things when you begin to think so much about what others think or not, that's their problem not yours. Why do you criticize yourself so much? You are only human... Do you like everybody you know? So what if people think for themselves, let them think, are they so important to you? I don't think it has anything to do with BP disorder. At least it isn't, in my case. I used to do the same before I decided that co-workers are just that, strangers, not my friends or important to me, so why bother... Please forgive me if I'm saying something wrong but, I think you are your biggest critic maybe because you want to fit in and maybe if you look closely why should you? Relax and just be yourself and love who you are. I don't think you could harm anybody on purpose. You can control your thoughts with or without meds. You're the boss "dude". If you don't like the way you talk, then change it. Personally I think you have a great sense of humor.

Kad

9/ 6/09 2:53pm

Yea, I do think I try sometimes to 'fit in' even though I've always been the type who tries to look and be so unique and different from everyone else. We moved here 3 years ago and I don't have any close friends yet so I think it can make me feel insecure at work settings, and my crazy dead pan humor always gets me in trouble with someone...they think I'm evil. But I also don't want to just be friends with anyone who wants to and end up with someone who is worse off by far than me. One I had when moving here used to chase my husband around the house and talk about her multi-religious covicions (geez I could handle one) as well as sex non stop...around my then 13yr old. Yikes. So my family are my friends now, and I'm a recluse except for when he makes me go for dates. But I desperately want to have some normal friends to hang with. You are totally right about criticizing myself, I almost always assume when we meet someone if nothing happens it must have been something I said, or didn't say, or didn't smile (I've got that my whole life too), or cause I have a big tattoo. I'm a freak.

alxv

9/ 6/09 3:49am

Sorry Kad I made the mistake of correcting something and the dam thing posted twice I can't erase it I have trouble focusing and sometimes me do this

tabby

9/ 6/09 11:45am

yesterday I threw a cookout for family and friends

a "distraction" technique for the suicidal depression I have landed in again

yet, I wondered for 2 days if I had enough Potato Salad for everyone?

Why?

I have no clue.

Yet, for 2 days I panicked and wondered over whether I had enough Potato Salad.

I've also panicked and wondered if my house would be clean enough, if I had enough hot dogs, if everyone could eat hot dogs, if I had enough outside activities for the kiddies, etc... etc.. if there would be fights, if there would be tension, would everyone behave, etc... etc... BUT that dang potato salad just kept creeping up. Did I have enough?

I think it was because I was in such a tizzy to have affirmation from everyone I had invited. In searching and struggling for this, I obsessed over whether I was or had done everything just right or had I done something wrong somewhere? So, I worked myself and my daughter to a frazzle cleaning and scrubbing, shopping for items, fretting over this and that and ended up literally exhausted throughout the entire cookout.

I enjoyed myself, don't get me wrong but, would've been more "at ease" had I not fretted and worried so much over something I perceived as not "meeting" up to another's standard, instead of being just good enough for me. In the end, by the way, I had too much Potato Salad and the rest of the food was wiped out.

I also, like you, get stuck on something said to me and it circles and circles trying to needle out every possible intention that the speaker had... and like you, if I say something to someone I'll circle on that for hours on end wondering if what I said was correct, did they take it wrong, was it not right, etc..?

It's seeking approval from others and I've done it all me life and I'm older than you so I've been at it much longer. I'm now trying to do just what I need to do to seek approval from me cause I have to live with me and what goes on inside of me. I'm learning, slowly through years of therapy, that I'm only in control of how I feel and think and whether I'm approving of me.

I'm not in control of others and how they feel or think. I can only try to do my best each moment and if I'm okay with what I did cause I trust and approve of myself... then it doesn't much matter what anyone else thinks - that is their issue, not mine.

I'm still in the learning process though.

Kad

9/ 6/09 3:07pm

Haha, cute story, I was picturing it in my head. I'm not much of a cook that's my husband but I for sure obsess over if my house is clean enough for company. Yes on the good days we can think to ourselves "I've done well, the best I can right now" or in my case "I was making a shrouded joke about her obvoius poor office ettiquite, as instructed by my boss, she isn't taking it well due to her obvous state of hang-over so I don't need to let that bother me. Thank God I don't feel that bad." I would just like for it to be that way all of the time. I wonder if it ever will be or if this is just "life" for me and I will struggle from time to time..or would having a mate at work make a big difference, or a close one here at all, hmmm.

Amber

9/ 9/09 12:48am

Not sure if I missed it but what meds are you taking?

"The pdoc I had for a while did say persons with bipolar have unique personalities like everyone else and it's important not to point out every characteristic as a symptom."

That's what got me. Everytime I'd get pissed or have a good day my ex and his family would blame it as a BP symptom. And THAT drives me insane.

It's like no matter how I act it's the BP, good or bad.

This is why I quit telling anyone about it. But you'd think you could trust your fiance...

Kad

9/ 9/09 1:25am

Oh dude, I know exactly how you feel! That is so unfair. Its as though they forgot the person you were when you had 'healthy' times, its like you were born some kind of witchy freak! I mean all sorts of people with mental issues have 'normal' times, so unfair. And when we are what docs call 'properly medicated' I've also heard/read that we can basically become like anyone else who functions at a high level...normal is so freekin relative...it's what anyone wants to interpret it to be, eh? I dunno, its not like I'm super bossy and whip him down or whatever, but I do get major self righteous on his butt and exclaim how unfair it is that I can't even get angry a little without a sideways look...and that is also why I don't tell most people. Probably not a great idea. I have to say though before I was diagnosed I had only heard of one guy with it, and it was more fascinating than anything...sometimes I think we get too down on ourselves, and sometimes I just play along with it and go "yea, so watch out cause you don't wanna tick off the bipolar freak!!!!"

If you put your mouse over my pic and click my name I think it will tell you more about me.

Obsessing blows.

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