I'm almost three weeks into a trial of Emsam, a patch version of an MAOI antidepressant, which must be about #27 on my list of meds I've used over the years. If I take just a mood stabilizer, depression persists. If I take an antidepressant, it causes cycling with anger, irritability, and hypomania.
I've been feeling irritable and angry and not much less depressed. This is always a disappointment, because I always hope I'll find a way to feel better. Do I accept the difficult emotions for a little less depressive immobility? Can I cope with them with some cognitive methods? Or do I just quit this med and wait for something else?
I asked myself today what I was feeling and the answer surprised me a little. It is shame. Shame at being a poor companion to my husband. I thought about something he said yesterday. We are looking at houses and he said we needed a big one so we could each have our space. I freelance and he's retired and we're both home all day. At first I thought, yeah, then you won't be getting on my nerves all the time. Then I thought about how he must feel. He must see my disapproval and rejection on my face all the time. I thought about all the ways I say no to him, my lack of enthusiasm.
Shame is inseparable from having bipolar disorder or one of the other invisible illnesses. It brings back all the failures I remember, right back to the ones from childhood, when I felt terrible shame whenever I was reprimanded. I felt I should be better than that, better than whatever I was, be someone who didn't do things wrong.
I feel shame now because I haven't overcome my tendency to make others uncomfortable. I haven't been able to rise above lethargy. I can't do the work that I feel I should, or maybe I don't do it because I'm lazy, because I deserve to feel ashamed.
HI Survivor,
I am 42 and have been living with Bipolar 1 since I was around 20 - though no one can be sure as a firm diagnosis was only made 2 years ago and the medication rollercoaster only started when I had Postnatal Depression with my child 12 years ago. It sound like we have had a very similar mdeication history except the antidperessants send me into mania and without them i'm basically hypomanic all the time even with a massive dose of lithium.
I know about the shame and it's so hard not to feel that way, buit you did not do this to yourself, and you are actively trying to be treated and get well - that shame is not going to help your state of mind or your wellbeing in the short term and can do so much damage in the long term as you know when you talk about your childhood.
When you talked about looking for a new home and "knowing" what your husband was thinking or feeling I instinctively felt empathy with you as I tend to do that mindreading stuff myself. Getting a larger house so you can both have your space sounds like a sensible thing, not something bad, and yet you started to read al sorts of things into the idea - why not ask him why he said that? There is probably a perfectly good reason behind his statement - in fact it is somehting that I would love to do if we had the money as I often need to be put in "time out" - or put myself in it!
But please don't be ashamed, or feel shame. You are doing your best, you are trying to get better, and you need to give yourself a break - you have an illness and its one that is really hard to treat. Look after yourself and please don't beat up on yourself for being you. Your husband still wants to live in the same house as you - think positively - there's plenty out there whose marriages have fallen apart because of this illness - you and I are lucky to still have ours intact because we have INSIGHT and have tried to help ourselves and our partners appreciate that, they do see that we are giving it our best and trying our hardest - they know. Enjoy that big house and lots of space - I would! In space no one can hear you scream once in a while - what bliss (sorry just kidding).
All the best
Narelle
Thanks for the encouragement. I finally did ask him if he was starting to feel trapped with me and it was a pretty good discussion. He said he noticed I would just wander off to be by myself a lot and thought it was just that I needed more alone time. He wanted to be sure I had that. Of course, it was better to discuss it so he wasn't mind-reading either. I said I didn't think I needed a 2300 sq ft house and a pole barn in order to have that -- an extra bedroom was plenty. Although having a pole barn to send your husband to is not a bad option.
What is a pole barn? I live in Australia so I have no idea! But it sounds great if it's what I am imagining :) I am so glad you talked, you sound so much better and I didn't see the word shame once there. We all need our space, and at the moment I have none as live in a tiny cottage (in a very good location 5 minutes from shops and the city as well) but I don't need the location as I don't leave the house AT ALL at the moment - I want to move to the Adelaide Hills where we can get a property with some land for the same price as this little (1880's) cottage where I can go for a walk and not have to bump into people I know and if I want I can just go out into a back paddock and scream!! We are discussing it as an option for the New Year - keep your fingers crossed for me.
I am so pleased you are working things out.
N
xx
A pole barn is a structure usually made of metal with a concrete floor that doesn't have all the features you'd have in a barn for keeping animals, but good for having a workshop, storing a tractor or lawn mower, or storing junk you should have gotten rid of. Men seem to get a rush of testosterone by having one. Even better than a basement, which here would have 8-ft ceilings, tiled floors, and finished walls.
My brother lives in Sidney and loves it. When he wanted more isolation, however, he lived in Alaska where he could go out and shoot a moose to put in the freezer and keep his sled dogs fed for months. The first house he lived in had no running water, and his wife at the time decided that was enough. She got a divorce and moved to Colorado. If only he'd had a pole barn!
Thanks, it's day by day, and some are easier to get through than others. I'm sure you know how that is, and hope you're doing well.