I've been reading and responding to people since January or February. I've gotten a lot of help by reading your stories.

I seem to be really good at knowing what other people are to do. I can give some good helpful hints.

I'm doing what I think I'm to be doing. I'm just so f'n tired. I sleep enough at night. I nap. I eat well. I know the hypersensitivity I have with sugar and caffiene so I avoid those. I don't drink alcohol. I exercize. I go to a bipolar support group. I see my therapist biweekly. I'm working with a nutritionist to get the brain chemicals/hormones more in balance naturally. I see a massage therapist that does energy work...getting my chakras fixed.

I make plans to do something fun...something to look forward to...see people on a pretty regular basis.

I had to leave my job as church office manager...receptionist...due to stress. I miss being in contact with many people and knowing that I made a difference. I am making a difference now too. I'm feeling conflicted. I know I need the rest and healing time yet seem to want to do more. If I do more, I have a setback. Such a conundrum!

 I crashed after 3+ years of mostly what I now know is hypomania, with a few depressive times thrown in. Realized after the fact that I experienced PTSD after a grueling 3 months of many losses in the midst of it all. That's when I started seeing a therapist. I was diagnosed major depressive. I crashed in September and was diagnosed bipolar and put on tegretol. 

I just want to have balance. I am at a 7 moodwise most of the time with variations between 4 and 9. I know I need to have patience.

I'm working on forgiveness. I am learning to feel the feelings at the appropriate times at appropriate levels. I try to look at this disorder as a gift.

I'm just so tired. I have a fair amount of energy in the morning. By noon I'm spent. I struggle all afternoon and if my new grandson (2 mos old whom I do daycare for) is cooperating we both get a nice nap...otherwise it's one of the days like today. Nap for 20 min. Eat. play. cry. eat. play. struggle to get to sleep. nap for another 20 minutes. I get nothing accomplished. It gets so trying some days.

On these stop and start kinda days, I start to have weird thoughts of how no one cares for me...I want to close in. I want to isolate even further. Stay away. It's silly because I know all the signals. It is how it is. Give myself slack, patience, kindness. Baby steps.

I think now that I'm more aware and know so much about this disorder and know that this is lifelong...it just feels so insurmountable sometimes.

My head is starting to pound...I think I'll go lay down again. Tomorrow is another day.

Thanks for reading and for your prayers. 

Shelly