Sunday, July 24, 2011
Brain not right...too much stimulation…nerves right on surface…crashing…wanting to dissociate for a time. The moods swinging out of control. I try and rise above even in the midst…to not attach any meaning or judgement. I know I won’t break…it will pass. My husband gets so mad at how I am sometimes. He gets really defensive when I ask him to listen to what I have to say about the physical symptoms that create the emotional upheaval. I ask him to please stay calm and be understanding. He just blows. I say, “Please don’t use an angry tone of voice. It only adds to the emotionality.” I feel condemned because I can’t be how he wants me to be. It’s so hard sometimes, these bipolar episodes. I sometimes can’t predict them either to give a warning. Sometimes I can and then Jeff knows. That’s what’s so frustrating about this disorder. Most times he can be understanding. I’ve been so even and ‘normal’ for several weeks. I will level out again in a short time.
The only thing I can really attribute it all to is being out late at the party last night…all the people. I don’t drink anymore so that isn’t a factor. PMS-y time of month adds to it. Maybe subconsciously wedding stuff. Such a sensitivity.
I want to close in and give the nervous system a rest. That’s the best way to heal from an episode. Even though my thinking wants to condemn myself for being bipolar, I can’t. I must be kind to me. I must have even greater empathy for myself. I am created in the image of God. He will get be though these few hours. I’ll let the tears flow…they are healing tears. I will not let my mind go to how awful I am. I am not. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I will persevere. I will live my life and do the best I can in the moment. I know others judge because they think my best should be when I feel and act my best. The best changes day to day. Jeff is doing his best today also. I wish that others could get even a glimpse…to have the physical sensations that add to the emotions. Sometimes it’s emotions that bring on the physical pain that comes with being immersed in the emotional pain. The brain chemicals will right themselves and all will be well again. I know it will. It has every single time.
and if, by chance, the illness decides to twist & turn your mind and thoughts against you
re-read what you just wrote... re-read and re-read and even read it out loud if necessary
affirm yourself Shelly in the knowledge you have and that which gives self-awareness to you
and re-read what you've written
it's a good life affirming mantra