The Abyss

I just stumbled upon this site and im hoping that it will give me some kind of hope. it is refreshing to know that im not the only person who struggles with this disease. I was diagnosed 7 years ago at age 18 and have basically been living in denial and on and off several different meds. I have ruined relationships, hurt people, tried to kill myself...all in some mad attempt to stop this rollercoaster that is my life. I recently started a new job and promise myself to go back to the dr...i promise myself this because at this point i am extremly depressed and refuse to have to face another day in this state. What scares me most is not ever getting better i think, also im scared of the next manic episode because i never see them coming and when they come they are hardcore and i turn into some girl who has no inhibitions. I struggle in my marriage, my husband tries so hard to be supportive but i have put him and my children through utter hell and misery and i wonder sometimes why he even wants to breathe the same air as me. Anyway thanks for listening