Hi, everyone - I don't have an official dx yet but a 'strong provisional diagnosis for bipolar disorder' as per my psychologist and my gp. They are setting up a first appt. with a pdoc - not sure when it will be yet. I do have some family history of bipolar also. I have a question but I'll give a little background first...

It's amazing how similar so much of this sounds, articles and posts on here - I've been reading for a month or so, and in other places as well. I believe I've had symptoms at least since my 20s, when I first had postpartum depression.  Now I'm 39 - I've had several episodes of major depression and was treated a few times with prozac, the last of which (2002) probably spurred a hypomanic period (not necessarily my first). Went off it three years ago. Hypomania?  I think to a degree it is part of my temperament. ? I've had those moods for so long that it's hard to determine what my normal would be - but now it's been increasing and interfering with everything. 

For a month and a half I've been tracking my mood/sleep etc. (found a good site that charts it) and I am realizing that I am likely in a rapid cycling/mixed state. My brain can't shut off all the stimulation.  I didn't realize just how pervasive and intense it was until I started a low dose of depakote and feel calm for the first time in....?  My gp had wanted to start me on an anti-depressant but luckily, before I took the first pill of the sample she gave me, I did more research on meds and found that in a rapid cycling state that could be a disaster. Whew. Although again, I'm not sure of my diagnosis, it seemed depakote was a safer first try.

It was a horrible feeling, the moment I realized this might be what I have, but right on the heels of it was a moment like pure enlightenment - "OH! I've been fighting all these monsters on this side of me (trying to make tons of lifestyle changes over the years to, basically, get my act together already), when here it's THIS monster over here that's causing all the problems!"  You see? New weapons required (and - ta DAH- available!).

But it seems you only figure out something is wrong when your life begins to run amok. I already bowed out of my business (husband runs it now) a year and a half ago, not knowing why the work I used to love had gotten so I couldn't handle the stress, worry, responsibility, etc.  I took a part-time quiet office job and have been there over a year. It was easy work at first, but in my increased brittle state, it's harder and harder to keep up my normal happy face, and cognitively, my brain is for crap at times. I'll find mistakes I did the last time I worked and get so forgetful during a simple task - "why am I holding the stapler?" I've always done this a little bit but this is not a little bit.