Triumph - and the Letdown

I'm feeling fragile today and began this post to reach out for support. As I was writing, though, I also realize that I really am making some progress in my still-shaky recovery.

It would have been unthinkable just three months ago, but Friday we hosted an open house for 100 guests to celebrate our son's high school graduation. I used to love having people gather at our home, but in recent years I've kept people away -  away from the chaos that invaded our family's life to ever deeper degrees, not realizing that chaos stemmed from bipolar disorder.

Each little birthday party we've had for the kids the past few years, hosting a dozen guests tops, threw me into a frenzy of stress: The cleaning was always way behind, I'd flit from activity to activity without finishing anything, my irritability at the rest of the family would be over the top, and I'd be berating myself silently but constantly for...everything. In the end, my energies waning and unfocused, my husband would drop everything and pull it all together, doing the majority of the work - again.

This time - after learning I have bipolar and beginning to understand myself without the constant thread of self-blame, after finding the right meds to calm my anxiety and racing thoughts, after months of therapy and self-study - this time, I first considered at length if we should and could even host the party here.

(What?! I can think before acting?! What joy! This is the kind of pause my brain can take now sometimes, to ask the following questions: 1) Is this something you really want to do or something you think you should do because of others' expectations? 2) Are you up to the task, mentally and physically? 3) Are you sure? 4.) Really. Are you sure? )

Then I did something I'd never done before. I asked my dearest friends to help me get ready. They were enthusiastic in their response and so the decision was made - 100+ guests would be coming. My friends jumped in and cleaned out the kind of dirty corners no one should have to clean for anyone else. They picked up the cake and last minute groceries. They took care of making more coffee during the party and taking out the garbage. What's more, they enjoyed it - as I know I will enjoy helping them when their children graduate.

It's a big step for control-freak me, to have asked for and accepted help. It was a big, healthy step for our whole family to have people over again - our kids loved it. And my husband actually enjoyed himself. As did I, this time without so many of the anxious, paranoid, perfectionist, driving thoughts that used to keep me wound tight and sleepless.

Don't get me wrong - we're not doing this again anytime soon. I'm just glad we could this time.