Thank you that was very helpful, my husband is BP2 and when I see a shift in his moods I simply ask him "what can I do for you" sometimes he says "leave me alone" and other times he'll ask me to rub his back or he'll just want to talk about what's bothering him.  Since he's started meds and seeing the doctor monthly he said he enjoys talking with the doctor.  I've come to the conclusion it is ultimately up to my husband to manage is diagnosis, I've read things and given him things to read but he has to want to read and learn, if not, I can't dwell on it.  I am also tring not to take a lot of things he does or says personnally when he's in "one of his moods", it's hard but I'm getting better at it. 

Jerry Kennard

8/19/09 9:57am

Good for you Roni. Your approach sounds about as good as any other and if it works for you - well that's the key! It's difficult not to take things personally when they are often specifically flung at you, but the alternative seems to be that you do take it personally and I can't see this helping anyone. Thanks for your comments.

Jeanne Di Millo

11/28/09 9:18am

I'm married to a man who is bi-polar.  Although I have read up alot on the subject, I find his moods very difficult.  We tend to get into alot of fights and he just gets louder and angrier and nastier.  I just need to learn how to cope with these outbursts of his. 

Unfortuanately, this only works if your family wants to be informed.  If they chose to stick their heads in the sand and ignore it, then there is nothing I can do.  It is very difficult to deal with my illness with little or no support system.  I do have a friend who tries to understand.  I wish that my kids and my mom would do as you say and just read.  Read all about the illness.  But they don't. Perhaps I should just get a bunch of literature and give it to them.  You never know what might happen.  The problem is for the past few years - I don't "look" sick.  I look fine, so therefore I must just be using this illness as an excuse not to go back to work.  And I can't begin to explain all of the problems I have that keep me from working, nor do I want to.  I hate having to defend myself because I don't "look" sick.  I wish I understood my problems better, but I don't.  I just know that I don't function normally.  I take 8 different medications just so I won't "look" sick, complete with side effects.  So, you're right.  If others would just educate themselves, it would make it a lot easier on everyone.

hinder22

8/20/09 1:20pm

I agree. I too have had a terrible situation. My mother thought that the best thing to do every time I had an episode was to take me to the hospital and say my medications weren't working. She simply didn't want me or my brother around anymore and didn't know how to get rid of us. I had no financial support when I turned 18 and had to work on my own with bipolar disorder. Being in institutions off and on did not prepare me for work and I only had a GED. It took years to establish myself and when I did (ort thought I did) I found I was below the poverty line and was still eligible for Social Security, so I applied and won five more years later. Yet, I found support when I least expected it and where it was least expected and although most people did handle situations appropriately sometimes I feel the support I was given is what has given me the life I have today and I am thankful. It is still rocky. I went out to find people who would be supportive of me, almost like it was business, because I could not afford to surround myself with people who would be detrimental to my well being. Today after years of failed relationships and reattempts to gain meaningful relationships I have created a small safety net for myself and they are supportive of my illness in an appropriate way. I would like to stress that I have given up on perfection and am 100% better for it.

Dore'

8/20/09 2:01pm

I think you should provide them with materials on Bipolar. The more, the better. And if they care, and I am sure they do, they will read and learn about it and be able to understand you. I am a supporter of my son with BP. I am the one, not doctors, who has done the research and forwarded it on to him. I have bought him a few great books, and we have both learned so much from them. I talk about it openly to our family so they too will try to understnad. He is slowly but surely learning how to manage his BP, My son just landed a fantastic job that he is so very excited about. Anyone and everyone's prayers for him would be appreciated!

My ex partner has bipolar and despite the love and support of myself, his family, friends and colleagues, he never really wanted to help himself.  I think he still has not accepted his diagnosis (I appreciate that it is a huge thing to come to terms with).  I loved my partner very much and would have done (and did) anything he needed of me, but at the end of the day, once we were past crisis point, things always went back to the way they were - no doctors, no psychologists or psychiatrists - just me, copping it, and making excuses for him "he doesn't mean it, he's just not well today". 

So, from my experience, 2 further tips should be 'you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves' and 'don't let bipolar be your loved one's scapegoat'.

PS My partner is not my ex-partner as a result of any of his issues relating to Bipolar - as I had accepted that the crappy times were part & parcel of loving him - it is only now with hindsight that I can see that my acceptance and support were futile.

k

8/24/09 6:28pm

I read your note with great curiousity, as well as the other notes here.  I am bipolar and my partner 'says' he understands but I don't really think that the full understanding is there and just how debilitating bp can be.  I'm terrified to reveal how scared I am all the time, that the good times are going to crumble under my feet and the dirty carpet beneath that will fly away forever.... i almost hate being in a good mood because I see the wonder in his (and others') eyes that say "Oh god, here he goes again..." thinking that it's just a manic swing.  Can I not be happy & enjoy it when it happens?  Or will I have to forever be worried that being in a good mood will always equal "mania?!" for those around me.  The lows are just as bad - I do not think that they understand the strength or will it takes to get up on some days, to even want to try & think about anything.

 

I wonder if we will ever have a true connect on this between us, and I am glad to find this site so that I can at least read the words of others who understand and experience what I do. 

 

It's like trying to get up everyday and have to wonder/worry about which color lens the glasses are going to have on today..... Rose to Black and every shade in between, each of which have their own effect on the world I see.

 

Ugh. Thanks for writing, and for listening.

Kilo

8/24/09 7:12pm

I can't speak for your partner but maybe you should give him more credit.  I only know it from the 'carer' side of things and yes absolutely I completely see the anguish and torment that the bipolar goes through, but so do we.  It sucks, I'm sorry, but that's really the best way to put it.  It's not easy as the 'healthy' one either - I came out of my relationship feeling completely emotionally retarded, because I tried so hard for so long to  'be there' and keep it together etc etc, and y'know what - I was scared too.  All the time.  Scared that the good moods wouldn't last, or scared that they'd last too long and then that would turn bad too.  Scared of saying even the tiniest wrong thing and having my partner HATE me (and yes, maybe it was just a point in time, but I truly believe there were days when he hated me).  If ever I were upset and having a cry, I never got a hug, or an "it will be ok, I love you", instead I got "can you go away - you're keeping me awake!" (ok so maybe my ex was a little narcissistic too!), even though I always, always tried my best to make him feel better when he wasn't ok.  Sometimes I could, other times I couldn't but I always tried. 

 

Anyway, I digress.  What I'm trying to say is that you're right, maybe your partner can't ever fully "understand", but you've gotta give kudos to him for sticking around regardless - god knows it isn't easy for him either.  And hey - by the same token, you don't understand what he's going through either.  In fact, and apologies if I assume too much here, but I suspect perhaps you haven't really fully considered things from his point of view.  I know my ex never did.

 

Best of luck to you guys, it's seriously not easy.  Try not to listen to the horror stories and just do what feels right for you.