Peter Ashenden
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Loneliness...I've been pondering this particular problem that those of us labeled with a mental illness so often face. Everyone who has been diagnosed will agree that, getting a formal diagnosis brings with it a lot of losses. Some of those losses are, in part, due to the stigma and discrimination th...
saffron
Wednesday, March 04, 2009 at 03:05 PM
I find that on-line bipolar support groups are my key way to avoid loneliness. I have a social anxiety disorder on top of the bipolar disorder, and in-person groups can often defeat their purpose. They trigger hypomania and it is of the dysphoric kind, and they can also trigger OCD in me. But on-line groups offer friendship and give me a sense of helping others and being part of a community. It's a lifesaver for me.
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Galaxy
Sunday, August 23, 2009 at 09:06 AM
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lone bear
Wednesday, August 26, 2009 at 10:56 PM
I dont know if any one has responded to your comment because it is a difficult question that you ask-to be honest about this illness and how it has taken over our lives and the lives of the ones that we love. Self awareness of bipolar symptoms I think are different with each person. Hormones, drug side affects, personal loathing of the pain that one feels inside over choices and decisins that are made while in mania or depression mode..these are all very difficult to acknowledge.Also I think people with bipolar are litterally terrified to exspress how they are feeling because of the perseption that people give them when they talk about their problems and symptoms.We feel we dont have value in socity anymore. And to be quite honest I dont trust that people wouldnt try to lock me up just because how I feel
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tabby
Wednesday, March 04, 2009 at 08:07 PM
I have also struggled with loneliness and in fact, am having a bit of a bout with it now.
I find though that connecting with folks on this board as well as another Bipolar board that I frequent daily... helps quite a bit.
Granted, it isn't the one-on-one physical togetherness but it is reaching out to someone who understands from time to time what may be going on and then receiving words back. In fact, I don't speak with my family much if any at all about my illness for they have said time and again that they aren't interested.
I actually look forward each day to communicating with folks on both boards.
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Loolu
Friday, March 06, 2009 at 09:11 PM
I'm kind of new to blogging, but I have been in a very, very serious depression for the past month. I have even stayed home from work a couple of days simply because I couldn't get out of bed. Transportation problems abound in my world, so going to a support group or even seeing a therapist once a week is not an option (too expensive). I'm very lucky that I'm able to get to and from my work.
Anyways, sorry for rambling. I just wanted to say that I indeed feel very lonely at times; although, people wouldn't be able to guess that from me. I'm a social butterfly around my friends, but I come home from work and go straight to bed. I'm not sure what the problem is or how to fix it. I would love to be able to communicate with people who would understand or even care a bit about what's going on with me. To actually receive words back would be wonderful, I think, which is why I'm trying this blogging thing out right now. :)
Thank you to anyone who has read this, I really do appreciate your time. I hope that everyone has perhaps a more than "okay" weekend.
L
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Leveling out
Friday, March 27, 2009 at 10:11 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I feel you definitely need to be evaluated to see if you suffer from depression or bi-polar. We can't do that for you. But we are here to talk. I know what it is like to not be able to get out of bed and go to work and I was diagnosed with bi-polar. I was also suicidal and thought I was dying when my depression was so bad I couldn't get out of bed. And the exhaustion was horrible. So try to get some help. I don't know where you live -if you have trains, subways or busses. Or even just a friend or relative who could get you to a doctor. Please feel free to write me if you just want to talk.
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Anonymous
Saturday, May 02, 2009 at 04:54 PM
I too have been in depression for some time now(not sure how long). It's just in the last month and a half that I have been able to go to work. It gets me out of the house for a couple hours but usually I come home and want to go straight to bed. I'm really messed up though because part of me knows that doing this is self defeating. Right now it's my only escape from feeling horrible. I also have social anxiety disorder and feel the double edged sword of it every day. When I do fight the depression and stay out of bed, it's really difficult for me to go outside of my house. I feel like a prisoner of my own misery!
Does anyone else have this problem or share any of these feelings?
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lisa sullivan
Sunday, October 11, 2009 at 06:59 AM
good morning, my name is lisa and i also have bp.. i also suffer from depression ,anxiety,loneliness and poverty... i seem ok on the outside but there are days that i can not even go out into this vast world and that in itself can make one lonely and depressed!!! my friends try to understand but i sometimes do not even understand it all myself...i hope that you are having a better weekend...meditation,yoga and a nice walk are great stress relievers...i realize that sometimes those things seem like to much for me too....but you have to do one nice thing for yourself today, even if it is just giving yourself a hug...my first time blogging too...hope this helps and here is a hug.....lisa
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Shasha
Saturday, May 09, 2009 at 06:23 PM
Empathy is good better than sympathy. I didn't tell many people in my family much except my sons one of who may also be bipolar. I like to talk with kids...they bring me much joy. I seem to dump my problems on people...kids I would just experience the joy with them...really participating in life...not just talking about wishing to participate in life.
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Shasha
Saturday, May 09, 2009 at 06:25 PM
My house is beautiful but like a prison. There is not much point to life without people. Possessions don't make me happy. I could give them all away. Love and participating with people doing things is what life is all about. I don't want to be alone anymore...that is not life.
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ctrygirl
Thursday, March 05, 2009 at 09:22 AM
That someone addressed this. I personally have a wonderful husband who will and does listen not just hear all the ins and outs that i have to vent at times, yet even with such a wonderful person by my side i feel alone and LONELY ALL THE TIME>>it is an internal thing that no one can help but me or the Lord or my mindset per say...I utilize coping skills to try and thwart it, but it prevails and has NEVER left me a day of my life. I too do NOT socialize much and even when i am put into a situation where i do like group therapy or weddings and such, well I am ALONE IN A CROWD>> I wonder whatmakes us feel this way and then i look around and well we can not feel accepted or understood per say because of all the stigmas and ostercization that takes place if and when another finds out that you are bp... it is absolutely unfounded yet a TRUE FACT OF HUMAN NATURE for i've witnessed it myself. Now i am very very selective as to who knows anything about my mental state , even other family members for so often i hear "mind over matter" or that the docs and therapists are only diagnosing due to getting money from pharmace. comps....NOT KIDDING there are so many out there that feel that way it is scary...really scary to think that they can't think outside the box ya know. but it is a matter of FACT not theory that this prevails.
HOwever, I have this intense and utterly endless feeling of being lonely even in a crowd, even beside the love of my life, it is a bottomless pit of utter and total dismemberment from feeling whole in a sense....and it never ends for me. However, I utilize my coping skills and THIS SITE IS ONE OF THEM FOR SURE FOR IT MAKES ONE FEEL UNDERSTOOD OR AT LEAST OTHERS OFFER GREAT ADVICE AND ARE ALSO GOING THROUGH SUCH THINGS AS FEELING LONELY EVERYDAY OF THEIR LIFE>>.
I hate to say it but that is really a relief for those of us who feel this deep seated aloneness and I can't attribute it to anything in my past that has promoted or caused it, but i do know that once i lost my precious light source ....my daddy in 2005.....it began to get worse and worse...finally i am now at a stand still with the plunging deeper but the loneliness is always with me....it has become my shadow...and it is too hard to explain to others for they are like "I'm here for you" ....and YES some of them are, but this is from the heart, deep into the psyche and the heart strings.....a loneliness akin to the feeling of being in a desert with nothing in view, all alone and wandering about ....that is how i feel even in social settings, as if i am in some kind of barren land yet I feel love and closeness to others in my life and use coping skills to try and overcome, along with being an education addict to learning more coping skills and about my illness for i believe PROACTIVE is the only way we can thwart some of the symptoms...but i have YET to find the skill that will erase or lessen the loneliness that invaded and stayed right at home inside my heart and mind.
Thank you for addressing this, others may not see it as a problem, or something that we as bps face...but it is a fact that many of us just can't tolerate the emptiness and sometimes no make that MOST of the time the media and the stigmas do NOT help one single bit, you are so right.
That is why i am so happy to have this site...
thank you for your post and hope you have a good day!! ENCORE by the way would love to learn more about how others feel on this.....for again, felt i was ALONE in my feelings of this...but trust me it is with me ALWAYS
thank you for addressing this,
ctrygirl
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Shasha
Saturday, May 09, 2009 at 06:54 PM
I took 500mg of Histidine and I was not lonely. I am still lonely because I am alone but when I first took histidine it healed my brain from the hyperbaric chamber that hurt my brain from too much oxygen. It also took away the loneliness which was great relief but as I said...I run away from love and can be lonely in a crowd. I sometime pretend the guy I love is next to me (when he is not) and I would still be lonely. It is I would is sometimes not friendly and doesn't talk to anyone after church. I had a husband who for 15 years didn't talk to me but was in the house. If you are angry you can't be sad. I was angry at my husband for calling me mediocre 3 months after we were married and he never apologized so he must still have thought this always. He ran away from my love. I am divorced and my kids are gone...so I am alone with 5 cats but this is not how life is meant to be. I will be trying to take other amino acids besides histidine because I can't eat meat and I am too low in protein. I am on the celiac diet (no dairy/no gluten), LDN, vitamins/good oils and I take 10mg of Lithium 2x a day. I wish you well.
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swseeteee53
Friday, October 30, 2009 at 07:03 PM
SASHA
i am new to this site as of today and even tho your blog was in may i would like to ask you something. i also am on lithium..350 mg once a day. are you sure you are only on 10?? just asking because it doesnt sound right. God bless
debra
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Shasha
Saturday, May 09, 2009 at 07:06 PM
I forgot to say. I avoid people to avoid rejection and I can't stand wasting time unproductively...so I am alone. I don't hang out in a group of people. Have very few friends and need a hug (touch). I tell people the worse about me and don't tell them the best about me. It is like I am trying to talk them into rejecting me, but I think I am testing them to see if they would accept me at my worse. I need to talk positive and not about me. I need to listen and hear their story first, not second.
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Alison
Wednesday, March 11, 2009 at 07:46 PM
I, too, feel this loneliness often. I am newly diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and wonder if it's part of the disease. Does anyone know? It's awful. I can be with someone or on the phone with someone and still feel it. I agree that it's a bottomless pit. Any ideas on how to cope with this would be appreciated. Thanks.
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Mark
Monday, March 16, 2009 at 10:08 PM
Loneliness is a terrible feeling. I feel for you. The ultimate answer to loneliness is to start a relationship with God. You can do this by calling 1-888 -633-3446! Please call this number!
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Shasha
Saturday, May 09, 2009 at 07:08 PM
God is the only person who has not abandoned me. I also abandon people and run away from people. Without God I would not have survived and been ok. I had many very bad times.
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Steve Harrington
Friday, March 13, 2009 at 09:06 PM
Peter--Thanks for the courage to address this issue. Because of my mental health experience, I long thought it best (for others as well as myself) to maintain a thick wall between myself and deep, meaningful relationships with others. Fortunately, I've discovered otherwise in the last year. I've discovered that friendships are more than an antidote to loneliness--they provide a wonderful opportunity for personal growth. I've found it takes courage, self-awareness and effort to reach out and open one's self to relationships but the payoffs are worth the risk. Peter, you have my phone number. Never hesitate to use it. Steve
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Shasha
Saturday, May 09, 2009 at 07:12 PM
I think people are great models and they refine me and have insights about me that I can't see and give me feedback. When I am alone I am negative...being with others...they can't handle the negative. It teaches me by consequences to talk positive.
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Martin
Monday, March 16, 2009 at 12:58 PM
I have lived with depession for very long periods of my life and still do. I have been hiding my fears and feelings for years, it is second nature. It leads to isolation and feelings of loniness. But I am starting to talking about my feelings. I spent last weekend with some friends, because a mutual friend of ours passed away a year ago. I told one friend, who I have known since I was 4 years old, about my missing our friend, about what my family is going through as it ages. I saw your message and realized that you get it. My doctors have never talked like they get it. We need more voices like yours, in positions like yours. I believe that most people who haven't gone through depression don't really get it.
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Leveling out
Friday, March 27, 2009 at 10:01 PM
When I was working and before bi-polar reared it's ugly head, I depended on my relationships at work to get me through the hardships of anxiety and problems at home. We laughed a lot at work. We had fun most days. I would be having problems at home then put on my work face and be a dfifferent person. I could mask the mood swings for a while when I went to work. Then at all fell apart. I could no longer go to work . I eventually had to quit. It was months before I could drive myself that far to visit-45 miles. I did not communicate with my former co-workers for months as I was trying to stabilize. But slowly I was able to visit and enjoyed the visits and I enjoy the emails. But now being unable to work makes me feel isolated. Everybody works so I feel like I stand out in that area and I am sure a lot of people wonder what happened. Some people have asked and I have told a few people. Some have not understood at all so I don't dwell on it with them. Just my closest friends and family. There are no support groups in my very remote area of Nebraska. I was lucky to find a Psychiatrist 45 miles away. The next clostst would be 90 miles.
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fyreflye
Wednesday, April 08, 2009 at 09:34 AM
I'm a mother of three children. Two are stepchildren that have been abused by their mother. The oldest is bipolar, as am i. She is a great kid and unfortunately we have a hard time trying to keep her attitude in check. On top of this I have been hospitalized twice and have lots of fear that we will have to do the same with her. She has constant manic episodes that effect my child who is in every way a normal child. I, at this point, have troubles going out in public and don't want to go out with my spouse. He is feeling disconnected and wants that alone time with me, but I feel isolated from the world and don't trust anyone. I have extreme anxiety and OCD. I was my hands to the point where they bleed. I want to be a good influence on Emma and the other two children, but sometimes I feel like a worthless parent. I sleep alot and can't function like everyone else. I hate myself for being this way and have tons of guilt. I really need to talk to someone other then my counselor that understands what it is like to go through this. I have so many health problems and don't want to be that co-dependant crazy lady that scares people, and that just makes the isolation worse. How can I get out of this? What can I do to normalize my life and feel more secure in my world. I can't live like this and be a positive role model for my kids when I'm this down. Can anyone give me any suggestions or just share their story with me. I need help. Please help me before I shut down any more then I have.
Alone and scared
Robin
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Shasha
Saturday, May 09, 2009 at 07:17 PM
I do the Celiac diet (no dairy or gluten0, LDN (low dose naltrexone), vitamins and good oils. It helps to heals bipolar and other health issues. The anxiety/depression/suicidal/panic is due to the brain being low in oxygen. The vitamins/good oils rebuild the cells so they use oxygen right. No gluten heals the gut lining so the intestines absorb nutrients. Dairy hurts my brain. I take Osteoprocare instead. You can see my profile for more information and I have not put my whole list on vitamins on the profile yet. Best wishes.
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TallTurtle
Thursday, April 16, 2009 at 12:56 AM
I would really like to have male friends that aren't afraid of a guy with a mentle disease. My wife is the best, very supportive, so I guess I shouldn' complain.
While I'm depressed, I feel comfortable spending my days alone. When I'm manic, I have no problem talking to any stranger that crosses my path. When a 6'4" guy starts making uninvited rambling conversation, most sane people exit rapidly.
I've been on my meds (lithium, depakote, zoloft) for about 14 years. As long as I stay on them, my swings aren't as drastic. I do miss my awesome manias, but I'm determined to keep this marriage intact.
I do blame part of my loneliness on the societal preception of mental illness as weakness and mainly a female problem. I base this on the reactions I get from other guys if I let down my guard and open up a little.
Now I remember why I don't write things like the above, they end up sounding like a pity party.
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Debbie
Friday, April 24, 2009 at 12:31 AM
It's not a pity party. You are just acknowledging your feelings and awareness of the illness and what it has done. You are to be commended. Good luck with your marriage!
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Shasha
Saturday, May 09, 2009 at 07:28 PM
People think bipolar means mass murder. I was not allowed to help one hour once a month in the church nursery because I am bipolar. I think it is best to be with very mentally healthy people who can handle it when you are sad/happy versus someone who also has lots of problems and can't add my problems to their already burdensome load. I think bipolar people are someone of the nicest people I know. I am just getting to know who they are and I identify with them...It is neat. I get to learn about myself from being with them.
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Galaxy
Sunday, August 23, 2009 at 09:50 AM
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RS
Tuesday, April 21, 2009 at 11:58 AM
First I though that chronic loneliness was a psychiatric condition and I was amazed that it wasn't.
I found this condition reported at least 500 years ago, In a letter asking for advice to Saint John of the Cross , his answer was -sort of-:
"Everyone can consider own soul as a garden, if is kept it clean and neat others souls, and maybe God, can come and visit".
"But if He made you isolated, far from every one, it is because He loves
you so much that He don't want anyone else when He comes by. "
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Debbie
Friday, April 24, 2009 at 12:21 AM
Most of my life I have been alone either in my own mind or physically. I remember listening to the radio in my bedroom a lot when I was a kid and being alone. Now as a bipolar adult I am still lonely at times. But now that I know what is wrong I got a great doctor, got put on the right meds, and now I force myself to go out with the right groups of people to get the right amount of stimulation. I don't feel so lonely anymore.
I can certainly feel for someone going through this. Bipolar illness has ripped apart the core of my life and I fight every day to put it back together. My advice is get a good support group around yourself and lean on others for support when you need it.
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Beyonce27
Sunday, April 26, 2009 at 02:02 AM
I am so angry words can not express and I just wish this anger that is in me would go away. It does not take anything for me to blow up and be upset. It is like hot lava is flowing deep inside and as soon as someone pisses me off... "I hate them I can't stand them" it takes little or nothing for me to be disgusted with another human being.
Sometimes it is so easy for me to be exhausted and sick I don't know what it is but something is causing me to be angry and it is boiling up, maybe it is every unanswered insult, it moves on to the next, and the next person who is unaware gets the response I wish I gave the person the last person that had upset me.
Sometimes I am in the middle of concentrating on something and I want to strangle the first and every other person who breaks the silence. I am so easily annoyed and sometimes I am afraid I don't see my own faults, which I so easily identify in others.
Sometimes, I am truly pissed off at the people I work with and the people in my household who are too dependent on me and just crowd my little space. Ultimately I want to live alone and that would be soooo perfect. I hate people messing with my things and having to clean up people's mess everyday in order to have the place looking the way it should and the way I need it to.
It is even twice as difficult to clean up mess had you been the only one making the mess you would have to clean it up less, cause once cleaned it stays that way.
And sometimes I am so selfish, I always want people to do stuff for me and I am only willing ..................................
May 24, 2008
Exactly 9 mths and about two weeks since I wrote the first page. I could have given birth to a beautiful baby boy. That is if my anger was actually sperm from a wonderful man because right now I can tell Mrs. Anger is alive and kicking in me. I don't know what I will give birth to. If anger is a seed? what will be my first fruits, I think this is a child I'd rather not have; as matter of fact it should have been aborted and since it has been 9 and half months. It is now due time for an emergency exorcism dear I say delivery. This anger needs to be rid of me from the root to the branches, mind you the reason why it was conceived is by no means the same why it has been growing inside me and now has come to full term and refused to be evicted and go live somewhere else. The situation that angers me has not changed it has become more complicated, stagnant and prison like. And lord, I do desire to be free. Lord you said somewhere that you would give me the desires of my heart. Now anger has been a stumbling block in my path I desire to live a holy, clean and fruitful life. Is this my thorn to live with I think not.
How can I serve you when anger clouds my judgment separates me from family and friends; dearest of all to me my mother, Lord have mercy, words cannot explain this relationship it has been through every storm thinkable. Like a ship it has been torn, shattered, broken every known hurt, feeling of deception, hatred, malice has been expressed in this farce of a relationship. Why did it happen how can the love between a mother and daughter be so severely destroyed that it cannot be repaired. In my heart I wish her well, I want her to be healthy and happy just far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far far away from me as possible. As far as the east is from the west that is how far I want to be away from her. What is this I cannot put my finger on it; it is an emotion so strong it cannot be denied, is it a curse that will follow me and my daughters to the first and last generations. Am I a prophecy that must be fulfilled? These are doubts. disbelief, and fears, and miseries that must no longer be a part of life. This has been my struggle, my cross, my thorn, shall I live with it. How long Lord will thou suffer me before I walk in complete righteousness before thee. I believe it is soon, nothing lasts forever but SALVATION that you have bestowed upon me and I will live and revel in the blessings of salvation for ever.
I am not cursed. I am
BLESSED and who God bless
NO MAN CURSE.
I am the
APPLE OF YOUR EYES
A ROYAL PRIESTHOOD, A CHOSEN GENERATION
I SHALL NOT DIE BUT LIVE AND DECLARE THE
WORKS OF THE LORD ALWAYS.
AND YOU HAVE NOT GIVEN ME THE SPIRIT OF FEAR BUT OF POWER,
AND OF LOVE AND A
SOUND MIND.
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Shasha
Saturday, May 09, 2009 at 07:34 PM
Anger. I could have shouted that could be heard for 10 miles...It is how the liver is working. I detoxed my liver and took a walk/run. Benfotiamine helps with obsessing...it is Vit B1 that crosses the blood brain barrier and helps the brain move onto another thoughts. You could try accupuncture to see if it can lessen the anger.
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babybbbb
Monday, April 27, 2009 at 05:19 PM
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zoli
Tuesday, April 28, 2009 at 07:18 AM
My husband has bipolar mood disorder. I feel for him because I see all the emotional turmoil he goes through. Unfortunatley he does not talk about his feelings. He had a relapse and was hospitalised for a week about a year ago. Ever since, he's been depressed. We have no intimacy in the relationship, its hard to engage him in any conversation, (and this is our daily life) and I'm really struggling to keep afloat. Maybe his combination and dose medication has something to do with it, but his psychiatrist is of no much help.
I feel lonely because at 29, which of my friends would really understand what I'm going through? I see how they are happy and enjoying their relationships and can only hope that we can also be happy.
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Shasha
Saturday, May 09, 2009 at 07:25 PM
I do the Celiac diet (no dairy or gluten), LDN, vitamins/good oils...See my profile It helps heal me. My bipolar is ok unless I am upset over something and then I am not good. My moods swing between happy/upset every few but not too bad, so I don't take drugs except for LDN (low dose naltrexone) that blocks celiac and has no sideeffects. You husband may also be celiac and heal from getting help for that. Doctors tests to diagnose it don't work half of the time but www.enterolab.com usually works to diagnose it. Best wishes.
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Galaxy
Sunday, August 23, 2009 at 10:09 AM
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deb harrington
Sunday, May 03, 2009 at 12:50 PM
I attended, and facillitated a support group for about 4 years.
I went through a trauma in another part of my life and while I became isolative, it felt like it was too distressing to listen constructively to other peoples situations. I found myself over-reacting to everything. It seemed like suddenly it was too hard to be there, so I stopped going. I admit, I stopped doing almost everything except hiding in my room.
I had always looked forward to the meetings before. I don't know if others have experienced this. Finally, I started coming on line here and reading occasionally. It seems to feel good sometimes. I'm glad you're here.
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leafman
Thursday, May 07, 2009 at 05:14 PM
Hi Peter. Hope I can provide something useful. I have felt disconnected from people most of my life. As a teenager and into my mid thirties I felt somewhat connected to the hockey and soccer teams on which I played. But even then there were lots of times when the team would have a party. I would go and socialize a bit and maybe two hours or so later I'd just leave without saying good-bye or thanking the host. Sometimes I'd fell like a part of the team, but most often I played without feeling that sense of connection. Without being consciously aware of it I drank and drugged to try and bring myself out of the feelings. Despite strong evidence for admitting it, I ignored the fact I had a drinking/drug problem. I first began a twelve step program of recovery in 1986. Since, I've been in and out of it like a mail courier.
I had all the chances to connect with people but I wouldn't pursue them. In myfirst marriage my dear wife had to endure so many periods where I'd isolate. In looking back on the whole shameful period I am now able to see that my loneliness was fuelled by some fear that I wasn't worthy of people's friendship, some extremely self-esteem, the result of feeling that if people really knew me they'd think I was a loser, some resentments, often over such trivial reasons but nonetheless useful to me, and some jealousy that I had amounted to nothing and these people had. It's been ugly my whole life, Peter.
Last October, November, December I was in a massive state of hypomania. I had had a few doozies before but never like this one. Lot of good it did me. Second wife moved out, cops arrested me in public and threw me in the hospital (psychiatrist was waiting at front door), and got booted out of my job for five months. Am back now, thankfully.
I'm now on a total of five medications which I've never had before and they are working. But what is really helping is the fact I went back to a twelve step program. I don't want to ever leave it, and one day at a time I'm achieving that goal. What does it have to do with loneliness? Well, I am developing a network of contacts (my sponsor being the first in line) and I set a goal of having another member over for supper at least once a week. Eating alone since December is not stimulating on the appetite. Slowly I am coming out of my shell. Just taking baby steps.
Another thing I did was to volunteer at the local hospital. I have started off with two hours on Saturday morning in the acute residential care unit. These are the people who are making their last stop in life. I basically go around and try to make friends so that they know every Saturday I'll be stopping in to see them. In my heart I feel like I am actually establishing relationships. They appear very much to enjoy my company.
Lastly, I joined a local creative writing group. We have only met once, but still it is another way for me to get out of that shell and just be with people without the negative feelings about socializing which I have cultivated for so long.
A counselor told me back in August that people with bipolar disorder tend to have few relationships. They tend to have a difficult time thinking on the same level as most others, thus they tend not to try to be more social. I can absolutely relate to that.
In response to all of this, I am putting every last ounce of my being in my program of recovery. The oldtimers are living proof that true sobriety causes life changes; true sobriety results in becoming a totally changed person; true sobriety is how one lives in complete harmony with the God of one's understanding. If I have the faith and put in the work to make that happen, I am completely convinced my loneliness will be addressed - favorably. Hope I've given you some positive things to think about. Sorry about mistakes - being proofreading lazy.
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Shasha
Saturday, May 09, 2009 at 06:11 PM
I go to 4 different churches...rotate them so I don't bother anyone church and I think it is my way of keeping at a distance...walls up. I talk to strangers in the store and go to garage sales. I eat at a Chinese restaurant daily so I can get out of my house. The staff are now my friends and talk with me. I have the TV on for noise. Do internet discussions, read books. I am very lonely. Isolated for 7 years being sick and almost forgot what it was like to talk with people. I cried when someone treated me like normal at the YMCA and wanted to be my friend. I take a ballet and Belly dancing class. I do chores/errands and have 5 cats that sleep my me. I am sad and fear being alone the rest of my life!! I miss opportunities to make friends and don't celebrate anything...even birthdays. I wrote a 800 page paper on Celiac/MS/bipolar...I figured out how to suppress my MS which I also have. I know more than the world on this topic. It makes me sad when each Spring comes and I am still alone. I never wanted my life to be like this. I have the 7 year itch....I want my life to change now. I have waited patiently but need a change fast.
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Shasha
Saturday, May 09, 2009 at 06:19 PM
I forgot to say. I maybe have borderline personality disorder...in which people always feel lonely....even if someone is with me or I am in a crowd. I is like hunger that can never be satisfied....It feels like I am emotionally dying many times...no reason to be here. I like a guy who is also bipolar but so far he keeps me at a distance...He runs away and then I run away from him when it seems like it is going to work....almost like I can't let myself have a good relationship...like the relationship that is "too hot to touch" and I even forgot how to talk with people. I need a relationship 101 class or need to practise talking to many people just to get myself "into the world" again. I do everything wrong according to the dating books. Will this relationship ever get started? I pray to God it will. He is my twin. I love him very much.
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nada madison
Sunday, May 10, 2009 at 11:32 AM
I am in a state of absolute opression, submission, lonliness, and alienation from the world. I have been for years, and its only gotten worse. I'm an attractive person with a once charismatic personality, but I've turned so inwards I look down, averting eyes, when I walk on the streets or into a store.
Having bipolar, being impulsive and reckless, oh and promiscius, I've been called every name in the book. Maybe that has something to do with it. How do you deal with such scarring words?
My new plan is to become an RN and start school this summer. I plan on attending writing groups, and becoming involved in Nami local chapter groups. I also have started a bipolar communique site at http://manicviolet.com/blog/
Please check it out and leave feedback or comment if you have the time, I'd greatly appreciate.
I think I'll also work P/T while I'm in school, and hopefully I can meet some girlfriends/co-workers. I can't wait until I have my RN License and I'm working, I know life will be a million times better filled with at least some people.
I have a boyfriend, but he doesn't like me having or speaking with let alone looking at another male, so male friends are out, unless I get out. Tough spot.
Great topic. Thanks!
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james
Thursday, June 11, 2009 at 10:38 PM
It's tough having this illness. I have five kids that are all grone and a great wife. I have had this all my life,and have made thousands of dollers in the highs. And spent as much and more. When the lows come, the guilt and shame and risking it all . Your running the roller coster and there along for the ride. Thats when the lonliness comes in. Just what I have put them thru. I hate it..
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jen
Thursday, June 25, 2009 at 03:56 PM
Hi,
I Can so relate. I hide it from people because I am trying to make friends and not be a downer like the way i feel. i struggel to not go straight to bed every night so i can compeletly understand. I pray not to be this way but it is me so i need to learn to cope.
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black4gee
Sunday, June 28, 2009 at 04:20 PM
Finally someone who understands. I thought I was losing my mind....socially dysfunctional...maybe I am lol
Loneliness is a state I have embraced helplesslessly, after trying to get support and understanding from loved ones and friends....simply isolate....that has been my "solution"...I just resigned to the fact that I am crazy coz nobody seems to understand a damn thing of what happens internally.
I am based in Nairobi, KENYA. There is no mental health policy...anyone exhibiting signs of mental health is usually categorized as a "lesser person"....mentally incapacitated to do anything useful in life....I just came to realize that people are afraid of what they do not understand.
There are no support groups...pretty much the several times I've been hospitalized, its been a commercial success for the doctors and hospitals while enduring the social stigma....no support or follow-up after hospitalization....the inpatients are all mixed....addicts, alcoholism etc all bunched in one place....finding someone with the same illness is almost impossible...anything mental is in one basket....sink or swim....as you talk of bipolar and depression in the group therapy you keep hearing about effects of alcohol and substance abuse....how the heck is that relevant to me....indeed its mental but how do we connect or understand each other?......there is no bipolar support group available...so I've been a lone ranger and God knows my "batteries" are running low....so u should all be greatful at least you can attend conferences and support groups....over here its every man/woman for him/herself
Anyway, am looking forward to connecting here...i didn't mean to rumble on and on...but back to the topic...loneliness is all I see when i wake up, through the day and evening.....and somehow am still hanging on...a time in the past by now I'd have O.D'd but that doesn''t solve anything.....its just painful to look at my life in the late 20's with a chronic condition, societal stigma and still hope for a brighter future....thinking of the future as a projection of current and past...it looks scaringly grim
....so am taking it a day at a time
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Moonmaiden
Sunday, July 05, 2009 at 04:32 PM
I have had feelings of isolation and loneliness for a long time now. Part of me doesn't always like dealing with people because some interpersonal situations where people invade my boundaries are triggers for me.
There is a bipolar support group in town that I may try. It's just that I very much don't want "being bipolar" to be my primary identity. I think online groups like this may be the key for me.
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Mary
Monday, August 03, 2009 at 06:30 PM
My depression hit a new low recently and I find myself pushing away the people who want to help, but I don't know why. A recent incident involving extended family has left my heart shattered. Since they were the ones I would go to when in distress, I now feel isolated and alone. I have a loving husband and daughter and I know they worry about me during these lows. I have hurt loved ones by defending someone else's integrity and honor. Now it is affecting every facet of my life. I have to fight back tears at work constantly and I am highly distracted all the time. I have turned my back on those who once mattered the most to me because I am angry and confused by their recent words and actions. We live thousands of miles from each other.
I know I've suffered depression all my life, but I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my mid-20s. Since then I have been on a variety of antidepressants with positive results.
Can anyone relate to this?
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Merryjanetrain
Friday, September 25, 2009 at 08:22 AM
I know how you feel.
My sister-in-law told me that I should give up my parental rights. 3 years ago. It took awhile but we are now in touch again and she has apologised. I also have had problems with reaching out to friends who were ill-equipped to deal with bipolar disorder. My family is now supportive and helpful. Give it time.
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Daisy
Thursday, August 06, 2009 at 11:23 AM
I would love to have someone to talk too. My husband tries to but he just does not understand, my mother does not believe in any psyo head illnesses. So, you know where I stand there. I live in a very small town that knows everyone and I also work at one of the schools here. I told my bosses about me having bipolar, big mistake. Well, I don't want anyone else in this town knowing, I will be the crazy lady in town, I will never get a job again. They already are looking for ways to get rid of me now, they think I am a danger to the students. So, I stay low, which means I am low. I am lonely, depressed, it has been a really bad summer. I am going through major migraines, and had a huge melt down for a few weeks earlier this summer. I don't know where to turn next!
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Cassie81
Saturday, October 10, 2009 at 11:57 PM
I have the same situation with my husband and my mother, my husband is afraid to talk about any emotional issues and my mother is in denial, she has not even said the word
bipolar in the 15 years I have been diagnosed. I too told people I worked with I was bipolar and they found a way to use it against me- in the health profession too.Whenever any one tries to use your bipolar against you, do not get defensive or scared it is a biochemical imbalance that can be controlled with meds. My husband tried to use that against me in a court of Law and when he said I was Bipolar to the Judge, the Judge responded " So, there are medications for that!" He had the nerve to say that when he was in court for spousal abuse! Do not let anyone judge you, you have a right to be respected and listened to and loved, if they do not want you to teach get out of there, tutor etc, you should not be judged by ignorant people. Find a support group , even if you have to drive 40 miles to get there. You are worthy, you
are strong, you are surviving without a support system, you deserve one. Get out there and shine. There are millions of people suffering from Bipolar , you are not alone.
Consider yourself hugged!
Cassie 81
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Debbi Curtis
Tuesday, August 11, 2009 at 06:16 PM
I to am lonely most of the time. I do try and get out at least once a week. One of my big problems is that I dont feel that I am worthy to be heard so I dont talk much. I think people may think that I am stupid or something. So even if I am qualified to speak on a subject that I know well, I dont. I just listen to others. One of my other problems is that I am out of some of my meds, (my husband is laid off from his job and I am on SSD for my bipolar) I have papers that need to be sent in so that I can get my meds at low or no cost for now, but I just havent done it yet. I am tired most of the time and I am having some physical problems also. Oh well, maybe things will get better.
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Wits End
Thursday, August 13, 2009 at 06:43 AM
Being alone for me especially at night is the worst part of this dz....Too quiet, can't sleep, cry all night...I dread being alone. It's torture...I beg friends to stay with me but they don't..since I gave my daughter to her father the lonlieness is crippling...
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Galaxy
Sunday, August 23, 2009 at 09:00 AM
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Crazylady
Monday, August 24, 2009 at 04:34 PM
I have never really felt the stigma a lot of people feel. In my career, it's actually been a benefit. I am a counselor (of sorts). I found it amazing when people would find out about the BP, many family members would call or come to see me just to ask (what I thought to be) very basic questions. That's when I found out that many professionals don't have or won't take the time to answer these questions by family, friends or even the person with the diagnosis. I also had people recently diagnosed calling.
As far as the loneliness is concerned, I feel very lonely almost all the time. It's hard to make personal friendships (aside from work and I am currently not working). People don't seem to understand when I am in the throws of depression and I don't return phone calls or am social at all. I don't do well with romantic relationships because my BP is so severe that I don't want to inflict it on anyone else even though I crave that intimacy. I have tried a few relationships only to run to the nearest exit when it starts getting too close. I always say I want a relationship with a man only to screw it up when it happens. Sometimes I think I do that to see who is strong enough to stay with me. So far, no takers. I just turn 50 a few months ago and I feel like time is running out. Kind of like, it hasn't happened by now, it's not going to happen so why even try? Why keep going? I don't have a job; my family is distant; I just moved so I don't have any friends. I just sit. Day after day. I can't commit to even volunteer work because I am excited in the beginning and after a time or two I just fizzle out. I can't keep a commitment to myself let alone anyone else.
What's the point? Many keep affirming that it will get better. When? I've had the BP since I was pre-teen. Diagnosed 20 yrs. ago. I am no better off now than I was then.
Loneliness? Oh you bet!
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Neo613
Tuesday, August 25, 2009 at 01:25 PM
I know that feeling. It's what put me back in the hospital. I decided that I have to find a support group cuz you are right. Being around people with like illness helps. I think that was my mistake when i moved back to Jersey from PA. There I had a support group and when I moved here I didn't seek one out and I paid for it in a way. This time I was lucky cuz I had a girlfriend that was well informed.
Thank you for your words, they mean alot.
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