Nobody Understands

By Jackie Boman Monday, December 31, 2007

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I live in a small town that the majority thinks bipolar disorder isn't real. I've just got out of an abusive marriage a little while back. Before i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, i was engaged to be married again. I have been having problems at my job for some time, always one thing after another. I had expired all sick leaves, my vehicle that had no warranty broke down on me and i went to work very emotional and as an end result gave my job up. This made my future inlaws very upset with me. Shortly after getting married i attempted suicide and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My doctor and counselor didn't think i should try working for a while and sign up for disability. This also cause my inlaw to practically hate me, they basically thought i was just being lazy and doesn't take my doctor seriously even when my doctor didn't think i should be tending to children at the time. Its been really hard for me to talk to anyone other than my counselor and doctor. My husband doesn't understand it, he thinks i can get it under control. We're struggling financially because of me, i've ran out of my medicine and i don't want to ask him to get me any. This has happened several times, so its hard for me to stay on my meds regularly. I think about suicide all the time, i get scared i'm gonna do something and no one will catch me. Don't want to tell my doctor, can't handle being hospitalized. I'm hurting alot right now, can't sleep, having anxiety attacts, just want someone to understand, (preferably my husband). If i get denied for disability, i don't think i can handle it, we're already so far in debt because of me. I really was hoping to get better, get some schooling and be successful, just not sure if i'm gonna make it. I need help, i'm really hurting!

Understanding for my husband and me

Comments (6) | Add comment

Hopeful mom

12/31/07 7:04am

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. This illness definitely takes its toll with the medical bills and strained relationships.

The problem is, if you don't take your meds you're not going to get better.

If you are unable to deal, you may need to go to the hospital for a little while. This is simply to keep you safe and get you stable.

Sometimes you can get free meds through the drug companies that manufacture your meds. You should ask your doctor about this.

Keeping information from your doctor is not a good idea because you can't be properly treated if he's not aware of what's going on.

You might need to check into medicaid to help cover the costs of your treatment.

Hang in there kiddo. You just need proper treatment and medication to get yourself to the point of being able to function.

Judy

12/31/07 7:12am

Hi Jackie...Sorry to hear that you had to quit you job. Going on disability for a while until you can go back to your job might be a good idea. Your family cannot possibly understand what you are going through, they haven't lived your illness.

As for your meds, you might try getting samples from your doc. Also, you could ask him about applying for free meds. Pharmaceutical companies help people out if they qualify.

Be frank and honest with your doctor. If you want to get/stay well it's the only alternative.

People on this site are here to support you. Take care of yourself and go get some sleep.

connieh1965

12/31/07 7:21am

Hi Jackie, I understand and I sympathise with you, You can and will get through this battle because you have taken the first step and that is admitting you have suicide ideas you need to go to the DR call first thing and tell them whats going on. they understand this illness alot better than you think. I too am so sorry for the pain you are feeling and you know I was in the same boat a couple of months ago and I got through it and so will you. Jackie you are here for a reason and there are so many wonderful people here that will help you as they did me. please go to the Dr and or emeregancy room for meds you need them to live. I am praying for you now. ps you are entitled to the disability that is why the government set it up. and like the last person said there are alot of samples that can get you through too. Please do not give up. Gods peace Connie

Stardust

12/31/07 8:57pm

Dear Jackie, I don't know what to say besides what's already been said. These people know what they're talking about. I can just emphasize to get your meds one way or the other. I'm so sorry you have to experience this. Peace to you my dear one.

Eric

1/ 1/08 5:05pm

Let’s be honest for a moment… your telling us that you are suicidal but are unwilling to get the help you need (might require hospitalization) for these totally irrational thoughts. You’re afraid to ask your husband for monies to cover the meds, everyone hates you (another totally irrational thought) and you’re banking on Social Security Disability to fix things (a totally unrealistic expectation) as well as quitting your job.

You’re in a tough spot right now and something has to be done now verses later. I really don’t care and if I were your husband I would have you hospitalized in a New York minuet if that’s what it took to get you well again. You want your husband to somehow understand what you’re going though seems like total nonsense when you yourself are unwilling to admit the seriousness of the situation.

I would go to your husband right now and ask him to take you to the local ER to be seen by the psychiatrist on call. Explain that you can’t afford the medications and that you have not been on any for X amount of days. What does any of what you’ve written matter if you’re not around to change it? If it requires a brief hospital stay….ok, at least you are safe and on the road to recovery.

This is why I keep preaching about what our responsibilities are that suffer from the illness. It’s not your husbands, nor your in-laws or anyone else’s responsibility other that yours …to make sure you are doing what it takes to get and stay well. Good luck

mel

1/ 3/08 11:28am

Jackie,

I just posted my journal entry to this site and saw your posting. I am so sorry and really understand.

I have had to go without my meds because of not being able to afford them and trying to work. Just trying to survive alone without the meds is very hard.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone understands about this illness and how serious it is. The brain is just another organ that is not functioning as it should. If someone had problems with heart, liver, or any other organ there would never be a second thought. I really get frustrated also.

I have been divorced for 2 yrs. It was a very abusive marriage. I did not have bipolar until after I married this guy. Sometimes I wonder if the stress from the marriage could have caused this illness.

I am just now trying to get through the property settlement and hoping everything will turn out ok.

I could really relate to a lot of things you stated. Just wanted to write and let you know that someone does understand, if perhaps that helps somehow.

I hope you have a good day...

mel

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