Sunday, May 11, 2008
it has been some time, I have come a long way. I now sleep from 10pm to 5am which I think is good but I just do not feel like myself. I am not depressed but I feel life is not worthy living. I do not feel siucidal I.e. I do not want to kill myself but I feel I would be better off dead. I do not understand it. Am I depressed? am I suicidal? Actually Iam afraid to die yet I feel I would be better off dead. Does not make sense. Can somebody shed some insight in this crazy feeling
Sounds like you are in what I like to term the transitional zone caused by our medications to keep us somewhat stable. I can remember going into my psychiatrist and telling him that I just do feel…I am not happy or sad. He would respond that is good, nope because I should feel sad if things in my world are taking place that should justify the feelings just as feeling happy about things when things are great.
It’s a balancing act to get the medications tweaked to where you are able to function but also have some feelings of what is going on around you. I also would think about dying or other terrible things to try and get some kind of response from myself as to some sort of feelings. I would watch family and friends show happiness and sadness to things that go on in life and respond to them…I don’t feel either way…just seem to be floating in a void.
If you just had a medication change or a serious bout of mania or depression, give it some time and understand that maybe your mind and body need a break from the cycles. Call it a vacation. If you have not had any of the above, I would suggest you see your psychiatrist and speak openly with him or her about it. Another thing to take into consideration is the effects your illness may have played on family and friend in the past. If you are not causing problems, good chances they do not want to see you get any changes for fear of it returning to chaos.
Don’t try to think to hard about it and just let it be what it is…a transition zone.