Threw my eyes only

By lori-vorwald Friday, December 05, 2008

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Threw My Eyes Only

I am my depression. It chooses my days, my feelings, and my love of family and life. When it is inside me it chooses everything.

It wants me to leave this place, it guarantee's me no more pain, no more hurting of the ones I love.

It seems to be the only one who can guarantee freedom. Counseling and meds help but it is still there lurking, coming out when it wants, depriving my family and I a life.

Days are too long nights are too short. I am sitting in this dark hole that has me embraced so tight I can't breath.

Searching for answer but too hopeless and faithless that they are there. So much sadness for a disease that I know will eventually take my life.

I am too tired. I can't watch my children and my loved ones watching me die every day.

Please hear my call as well as every other person who suffers. We never can quite understand the whys or how to stay strong enough to beat it.

Comments (2) | Add comment

Cmefly

12/ 5/08 3:33pm

In some of my darkest moments I run a hot bath. I light a candle. I sit there huddled in the hot water by the hot little light. I try not to think. I just breathe. I have sat there for hours. The only thing I do is add more hot water when I need it. The quiet and the flame help numb my pain. The hot water reminds me that my body can still feel alive.

I do not know how to stay strong. I struggle with it. I can not think of the future. I just think in the moment. I just try to get my brain to stop thinking for a while, to make the voices and the feelings stop. Nothing takes the place of having someone just squeeze you for hours but hot water helps me get by.

tabby

12/ 5/08 8:48pm

in my darkest hours, which I've had just in the last few days

I too have sat in bathtubs filled with hot water - with just a faint light in the adjoining room creaping in through a crack in the door that stands ajar

I've cried, sobbed, slept, and just breathed while in that water & as it grows cold I add a bit more to it

It too allows me to feel & yet release at the same time

You and I both are not our depressions but we are victims of it. Yet, we both know that if we can just hold on tight a bit longer... it will pass and we will lift again.

A friend, who has Bipolar, once said that those with Bipolar have survival skills that others only dreamt they had not because we want them but because we have to have them. We are unique in our many ways of coping and surviving that which would bring mere normies to their literal knees.

Just hold on, call your pros, and go to a clinic or ER if need to but most of all - just breathe for this moment and hold onto it.

Threw my eyes only

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