I'm going to be a real downer here, just warning up front.
I quit my job. Yup, I quit it. I just could not... anymore. Just could not.
I then went scurrying like a frantic mouse to find a psychiatrist cause had not had one in nearly a year. In bad state me in... suicidal, going to kill me self, had the date (march 13th) and the plan and the very real intent. Something had to give and something had to go and something had to stop.
So, I quit... my job.
Then came the ludicrous task of trying to find mental health service within my county, within my state. Came to find out, fairly quickly, hee hee there were none. The doors were barred, lights were off and the answering machine told they'd be closed for the Christmas holidays.
This is March.
Do you know how utterly unsettling this is? You get up the nerve to run to the only crisis MH service that you know of, that is not the hospital ER, and has been in your county for damn near 35 years and you even worked the front desk of it for several of those years once.... to find the lights out, doors barred, and the dust balls floating in the parking lot.
So, go to my PCP. Nice young man he is. He is well comfortable in being a MD and prescribing for "run of the mill garden variety" depression he confides. Bipolar Depression? eh, not so much.
He gave me a script for Lithium (but no blood work) and he gave me a script for Cymbalta (at $200 for a 30 day supply) and told me to get a psychiatrist. Okay, where?
So, I call around and call around. Leave various telephone messages at various places... no one calls back. I finally found my old psychiatrist from a year ago and started the process AGAIN as of this week. It's with the new agency that will now be running my county... only, they haven't got all their systems up and actually going so no one knows about therapy or DBT or when I'll be seen or who I'll see... but, I did get in with the Pdoc.
So. he scratches the Cymbalta all together... keeps me on Lithium, orders bloodwork in a few weeks, and wants me to try Remeron. I explain I'm fat (5'5" and 201 lbs, Obese Class I on BMI). I don't want to try Depakote cause it's a major weight gainer and I'm already fat and having problems with my bad decrept ankle as it is... don't want to worsen it by gaining MORE weight. We discuss and so I don't get Depakote but, he then prescribes Remeron.
The only side effect, he says "it will likely increase your hunger quite a bit and so, when it does you need to go for a walk, lift some weights, read a book, take a bath, just do something other than give in to the increased hunger and you should be okay to go." Yeah, thank's doc... did not hear a word I said, did you?
So simple... your hunger mechanism is tripped into high gear or your metabolism is pretty much tanked due to the drugs. Does not much matter how much you eat or how often, you are screwed coming and going. Even if you ate very little, you will likely gain weight on most of the psychiatric medications out there... most people do. You can work yourself to near death to try and lose all the weight but most people who struggle with MI don't really have that much drive... the medications themselves, if nothing else, kills that... especially the heavy hitting sedating ones (like anti-psychotics and sedatives).
Dear tabby, I really feel for you, and that you are obviously not only depressed and in severe emotional pain, you are suffering from a similar problem I had when i moved to salem oregon, a severe lack of practitioners. At a time in your life when you really need it, it's not there. Praise god, I don't have kids to worry with and take care of. I won't go to jail if one of my cats acts up and I frustratedly lock them in the bathroom! However, my cat, baby at 16years old now, wants me in bed by 10pm --right!! He must have kitty timex watch. I mention him, because I got him before I got really sick, and surfed the northridge earthquake w/me, moved 4-5x's, went through marriage and divorce and survived airplane ride from los angelos to oregon--but didn't meow foor 3 more months!! You need to try and find some things that are comforting to you, if no one available to do that. I have 3-4 "comfort" blankets, I started w/ 2 soft, cuddly throws, then a fleece twin to put in dryer then wrap up in, and now, a small babies blanket in my fav color, pink. I grab cats and pet until they struggle to get away, sometimes alittle clonopin, or looking at fav pix --I made a special album, and even got this little calendar w/the theme "life is crap." My personal fav is the cat pottying just outside the box--a classic cat mistake. I trim date off, and laminate. Then, tape up at eye level around the house--little moments of amusement, relieving my, at times crushingly/suicidal depression. I also tape up positive thoughts "I've been here before and gotten better, I will again." A book I would HIGHLY reccomend (buy at half.com) is "When panic attacks," by david burns. It's not about panic attacs primarily though but 41 different NON-drug coping strategies. Alot cheaper than remeron, and no weight gain! I have been on disability10 years, and only now, after learning how to self-soothe, and use the book, I feel I'm making real progress, not just being given another pill, and only depakote, lithium, respirdal, seroquel and gabapentin have made an effect on me. I was in-patient in like 1999, lying in bed, and the admit clerk comes in w/papers to sign, and snottily says, "You know, this is your 30th admit here (kaiser permanente)" ok, like should i slit my wrists now or later? My big problem was I never recognized my manic periods, so they piled on the anti-depressants--made me rapid cycle severely for 12 years. It is only now, as time has gone by when they added the lithium and depakote to therapeutic levels, I am steadier and steadier than I have been for 20 years. And yes, there have been side effects--non good. First, since they didn't wean or build up slowly, it affected my thinking and comprehension, and I had to drop out of school. then, like 1/3 of my hair fell out. I had gastric bypass and had lost 130 lbs. Now, every winter I gain 20lbs from asthma meds, lose in spring. After gaining 40 more, i flat out refused to be weighed. Sun spots on my face. BUT, my hair grew back, no more gray, and perm curly. The eating urges fade over time, and I am now only 5lbs from regular winter weight. I didn't diet, or exercise, I just tried to make good choices (I can eat a footlong from subway) and lost my appetite, so i didn't eat, or had a slim-fast if I was going out. There is hope tabby girl, and you did the right thing in quitting your job--it's not worth your life, I quit a high-paying hospital job at the top of my field, and what I get from disability is a joke compared to what i used to make part time even. Get w/your psych doc and make sure you are not rapid cycling due to anti-depressants, and if you gain weight, hey, more of ya to love, and IT WILL come back off!! I promise. I even found a cream for the sun spots on my face. This all took place in the course of almost exactly a year--the meds part. And, learning new coping skills, being nice to me, be nice to you, kay? willkeep ya in prayers
Tabby, I haven't seen your writing so spuratic like this. I am sad and worried for you. You'll be in my thoughts. We'll be waiting patiently here for you.