it's 1:48am on Friday morning and I have to get up to go to work at 5am... hee hee, i think i'm already up 

and I mention this because I don't know why... i think it's the palpitations or maybe cause my eyes won't shut due to the brain not closing shop
not sure really why i mentioned that
just kind of rolling along with whatever flow is flowing at the moment 

for the past 2 weeks, in particular, my mind has just been "blinking" off and on as if there were a short somewhere
i'm also finding it more difficult to speak cause my tongue keeps getting in the way and twists

so sad when you are speaking and you hear your own speech and know something is not quite right but can't figure except something isn't just right

then i lose thought in the track of it.. you know, a thought rolls down the track but somehow gets lost and then what ends up in front of you are only 2 of the 4 wheels and no axles

today, i locked myself out of my own office cause i didn't take my office keys when i went upstairs to get mail out of mailbox at work

for a while, initially, i found myself patting my jeans pocket over and over cause i knew the keys had to be in that pocket - that's where i always put them

during a conversation with the MST supervisor, she was telling me about some kid's authorization they were trying to get something on and following up with me on something else which I can't remember at all and the whole time I found myself mumbling about my keys and where were they?
i know this cause she kept stopping and mentioning where I may have placed the keys and would anyone have a spare?

i had to borrow a key from the receptionist
yesterday, i couldn't get ink pens to work cause i forgot to remove the gel thing on the tips and the receptionist reminded me
day before yesterday, i thought i had lost someone's billing ticket and tore up my office & records searching for them to find out I had never received them in the first place... I just stood there, in the records room, shaking and yes - crying.

and to tell ya'll something... i think i had a hallucination about my pt cruiser this morning though i am certain it didn't work.. yet, my Dad checked it out after i left for work in his other vehicle and swore up and down the cruiser was right as rain... and yet, i've had sporadic issues with it over the last 2 months and i am certain it didn't work this morning... but, now... honestly, i'm not sure

today I told my 2 admin coworkers that i was drowning and surprisingly, they looked very concerned and agreed

and then it hit me... in 2006, just before I went psych IP with a mixed manic episode... i had gotten so fried that i could not speak, or spoke way too fast, locked myself out of my car, couldn't remember from one moment to another, had difficulty driving, and went home shaking and crying and yet.. had all the energy in the world... and seriously feared that i was losing my mind piece by piece

and i'm on no "psych" meds so to speak so... not chemical related in that respect and my seizure med (doubles as a mood stabilizer) hasn't really changed in a year... same dosage here and there with only a slight increase or decrease over time... and the vicodin is still PRN and I'm not PRNing it that much (though I really want to)