I put "trigger" in the title post to warn that if you have a weak constitution... don't read any further.

I want to die and yet I don't want to be dead.

It's really a horrible way to feel, really.

Everything in your head is screaming... "die die die" and yet, somewhere deep down in that core of the fleshy brain organ... something is going "but wait, wait, wait"

So, what I have here is 2 halves battling it out to see who will win.

The one half that is writhering in mental pain and wanting to die or the other half that is also writhering in mental pain but is too stupid to just give up and let go.

and then... there is ME

Me who just wants them all to shut up and leave me be.  Me, who just wants to disconnect and float away again... only I can't find the outlet this time.  Sneaky mind... it went and plugged itself in somewhere else in the darkness.

I want to just go to sleep and not wake up... until Spring time.  You know, when the grass is much greener... the sun is warmer... the flowers bloom... the bees hum... the birds chirp happily... and the bunnies hop through the tall green grass.  I just don't want to be... until then and that's 3 or more months away.

So, there in lies the other "gotcha".

A mind that is telling me that I must die for I am not worth living and all would be happier and I"m a burden who fails at everything and a whiner and a bitch.

A mind that is telling me all of the above but says "wait, you can't die.  it's not allowed you selfish greedy weak bitch."

and then

there's me... that says "I just want it all to be quiet inside and to sleep a dark slumber.. and to perhaps awaken when it's Spring.  You know, Spring... when the bunnies hop."

If I tell anyone... they'll insist I go to a hospital.

I can't go to a hospital.  It's a $5000.00 deductible that I can't afford.

I'll lose my job... I always do after a psych IP.

My "family" will be angry and bitch and verbally berate me of all the failings again.  THEY always do after a psych IP.

and all the stupid meds that I'll be given that won't make life any better... just chemically over do me

if i could have the chemical over do without the IP hospitalization.... but that won't happen... it never does.

so, please... no talking to anyone or telling anyone flesh and blood

i can't go to a hospital... i'm too poor for one and the reprocussions are too large when one is already weak, failing, and vulnerable.

i just want to sleep or disconnect... why can't I just sleep a long time or disconnect?  why isn't the dissociation happening this time?

... damn mental illness and it's own mind