working wounded with bipolar

By Tabby Thursday, February 10, 2011

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Working full time and struggling with Bipolar is so not for the faint of heart or mind. There truly must be so few people with Bipolar working full time for I rarely ever "read" or meet any any longer.

I work in a MH agency as that lady who sits behind the glass window. Actually, I lucked out this agency and supposedly have my own little desk in the back of the supposed fish bowl but on many occasions, when the receptionist decides to not come in, I'm the woman behind the glass.

It is so stressful to be the one who answers every phone, deals with every "patient" or "client" or "consumer" or "individual" (oh yeah, new terminology now) who wanders up with issues, deals with every clinician - pdoc - therapist - social worker, and well... has to deal with Bipolar also. You know, the Bipolar with the occasional psychotic features where you have the auditory and visual "disturbances" that though you know aren't really real... they are real enough to know they don't belong. Oh, and the voices within your head cause it's not intrusive thinking unless thoughts can take on 2 voices and 2 distinct personalities within your cranium.

So, you have all the mental chaos going on inside your head... trying to sort every thought, every reaction, every emotion, every impulse to determine if what you think, feel, or want to do is rational, reasonable, practical, or well... safe... and then you have to sort every thing said to you, emailed to you, and happening all around you to decide if it is rational, reasonable, practical, or well... safe. Cause in addition to your Bipolar, you also have Generalized Anxiety and PTSD along with some paranoia when the stress really boots up the craziness within.

You also come to realize, if you are really good at wearing the mask of bravado and capability and enability cause you are over compensating for your mental deficits of thoughts scrambled, thoughts racing every which a way at high speed or as slow as a slug when depressed, when your speech comes out tumbling all over itself and not making sense, when you mis pronounce or just absolutely forget your own name when someone asks.... that sometimes, when you are not really watching yourself, the craziness seeps through the cracks in the mask of bravado and others notice.

I think that if I were to go to a psychiatrist and get loaded up on all the meds again (for I've done this quite a few times in the past)... that I'd likely be relieved somewhat of the intensity of my painful symptoms by a slight notch... but, I'd be rendered most disabled and dysfunctional in the process. I have, all the times in the past. I've not been able to work, at all.

So... I am only 1/5 medicated so that I can be somewhat fully functional and mind clear... to only be naturally dysfunctional and mind warped primarily due to the mental illness.

I'm rambling and I think I lost my train or it's tracks somewhere... Just trying to say... Folks really don't have a clue how extremely hard one has to truly work, in a stressful job be whatever a stressful job it is that one may have, while trying to keep Bipolar controlled enough to not burst through the mask of bravado... and expose oneself as "not normal" while trying desparately to be "normal".

I want to go to sleep (dark post)

Comments (8) | Add comment

very bipolar

2/13/11 1:01am

I think you should be applauded for working with this disorder. I too will be going back to work asap. I think it will be good to take my mind off of things. I know it will be hard as it is for you, but you are coping better than you think. Bravo for you and us that can learn from you.

westwind96

2/13/11 5:26pm

Being a bipolar with some anxiety issues, I can sympathize. It is a very difficult condition to work through.

I studied a full load at college and sometimes even worked on top of it. But other than that, except for one year, I either worked part time, full time equivalent on an alternative schedule, or freelance.

Jannie07

2/14/11 2:04pm

Everything you said is so true. I worked Front Desk at a major hotel and managed to hide my crazy from everyone. At the hotel it never stops and being at the front desk you have to keep a smile on your face at all times. I have Bi-polar/Major Depression, anxiety and PTSD. I was taking 6 medications a day and functioning ok. Then in Sept I decided no more meds and stopped everything in one day. Not my smartest move. Things really started to go down hill. But somehow even though my personal life was a mess I seemed to hold it together at work most days, I don't know how. Then I shot myself. Now I am ashamed and embarrassed to go back to work. What if someone ask what happened, they think I'm sick and on medical leave. Anyway.. I think even though we may hate being medicated it is what is and for the most part it helps, it sometimes takes awhile to get it right. For years I have been able to work and hide it, it's been my personal life I have trouble with. Now I have great support from my family that is very important. I hope you have a support group, if not I would be happy to help and I know this sight has been a good way for me to vent.

westwind96

2/14/11 4:08pm

I am sorry to hear about all that has happened.

I think it was either out or suspected that I had a mental illness everywhere I worked. I was still generally accepted. For me the stress and dealing with the emotions was actually the bigger problem.

It is indeed important to have a support network. This can take several forms: family, friends, support groups, more than one of the above, etc.

Good luck.

lady behind the mask

2/15/11 9:50pm

If 2-3 percent of the population has BP, then it seems likely to me that a HUGE number of people are working who have BP. They just live behind masks, like me, because of the incredible stigma.

Of-Two-Minds about it

2/19/11 11:16pm

Tabby, I hope you are getting close to the other side of that dark place you've been in. It's hard to ride through it, even when you tell yourself this too shall pass.

I am working full-time with bipolar II disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, too. I'm a teacher. I was learned early on during my student teaching what was expected of me as a teacher. The principal passed me in the hall and saw the stressed/close to tears expression on my face. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him that I was having a tough day. He told me something I'll never forget. He said that nomatter how I am feeling inside I can never let it show on my face. He expects all of his teachers to have a smile on their faces and to show their students they are excited to be there...everyday.

It was that day that I made an appointment with my GP and went back on Zoloft for the generalized anxiety disorder I had been diagnosed with a few years earlier. I knew that I could never do this job without the help of medication.

Eleven years later I still struggle to maintain a professional persona and I still carry around a huge load of stress... much of that stress is from feeling inadequate for the job and fear that I am going to screw up or crack under the pressure. I see many of my peers around me and it seems like it comes so natural to most of them. They seem so assured and confident in who they are. The two co-teachers I teach with are 15 and 20 years younger than I am. I have a few more years of experience on both of them, and I still feel a sense of inferiority that makes me defer to them much of the time. I hate that about myself. I don't know how to get past it. I just feel like something is missing or off balance in me that makes it so difficult to feel comfortable and at ease in my own skin. The thought of doing this for 19 more years until retirement seems impossible at times and fills me with despair.

Can anyone else relate?

bobo

2/20/11 5:24am

I can totally relate. I struggle with anxiety every waking moment and have for the past year since my last depressive episode started. I take xanax on top of my BP meds but it barely keeps me from going over the edge and I am worried about the consequences of taking xanax long term. My mouth is usually in a pucker , never a natural smile. I feel numb most of the time, without emotion, can't cry, only feel anxiety bordering on panic all the time. Every little thing is an enormous stress. Just facing the day is an enormous stress. When I am with other people I feel like I have a mask on, hiding my true self, feeling inadequate, losing it. I was once an accomplished professional. Now I feel like nothing. How do you come back from there?

Of-Two-Minds about it

2/20/11 9:22pm

Bobo- I don't know how you get back to being and feeling like an accomplished professional. The drugs that we take to help us function in our daily lives take their toll... and so does the stress caused by that constant level of anxiety/panic we feel during our work day. For me, those feelings are rooted in fear of failure. I allow myself no learning curve, nor will I ask for help until my frustration level is in overdrive. I am an overachiever to the max, but it is never enough to make me feel like I am good enough, that I am competent.

But things have got to change. My self-worth and identity can't be based upon on how well I do things. I am just another cog in the education system that will keep going long after I am gone. Everyone around me makes mistakes at times. Their work performance may be lack-luster at times, as well. But, they are still there. They haven't been fired, no lighting has come out of the sky on top of them, they haven't been ridiculed or chastised in front of their peers, and more importantly, screwing up didn't kill them. What are we so damn afraid of?

If you have sicktime, take it on occasion. I don't know about you, but I dread Mondays. They can be really bad, especially when I am going through depression. On some Mondays, even with anxiety medication, my chest will be cold and tight, and I will be hitting the bathroom before I have even left the house. Sometimes I have to take a mental health day. Usually, Sunday evening I will know if Monday is going to be more than I can handle. It was a Sunday night in October of 2009 that I couldn't handle the stress, the self-hatred, and feeling like an absolute failure in every area of my life, anymore. Dying seemed the only way to end it and to finally have some peace. Nope. Instead, the way was messy, painful, guilt-ridden, humiliating, hard and life changing.

Some days I can be strong and charge through. I can look at the fear of failing and say "F--- You!" Other days, not so much. I beat myself up, eat 1/2 a cake and fall into bed defeated. It is who I am, how I tick, and what I need to learn to accept. That's it.

working wounded with bipolar

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