Update on the new pdoc drama from the other day...

So, Wednesday I had an extremely bad depressive spell.  I laid my head upon my desk at work, once I finally dragged myself the 26 miles in heavy traffic to get there... and cried.  I wanted so badly to just die.  I actually shook, physically shook, wanting to die.

I figured... no point calling the damn pdoc's office cause I'd just have to leave a message on the voicemail to not receive a response for a day or more.  I decided to fax the Physician's Assistant a request.  I requested some Lithium.

Why Lithium?  Because it's the only medication that I've ever taken that has killed the suicidal ideation and overwhelming impulse.

I struggle through suicidal depressions.  I have since I was wee little.  Depressions so black, so deep, so suffocating that it would make grown men lay on the floor and weep for their mommies.  I've been known to literally rock, cry, and beg God to kill me or to allow me to kill myself so that I could end the tormentous pain.  I've done this, repeatedly, since I was wee little.

It honest to God takes every ounce of my living breathing energy.  It takes so much from me mentally and emotionally to just hang on and hang in and hold things together.  So, when I am afraid... when I am fearful that I can no longer... I run to the docs.  I do.

So, since 2006 and being given the rightful diagnosis of Bipolar I (after the 2nd Manic episode in my lifetime)... I was given Lithium and since then... it's the only drug - for me - that has killed the suicidal ideation when I can't struggle through it any longer... when I am afraid. 

I do not ask for it UNLESS I have to.  I hate the med.  I had nasty toxicity on it once and I've always had the chronic daily diarrhea and shakes... even on the low dosages.  I've also gained considerable weight while on it.  It leaves me extremely exhausted and lethargic.. apathetic, floating along the top of the fish tank.  So, I do not take it, nor do I ask for it, UNLESS I have to.

So... I faxed a request for it.  I waited and waited and finally got a reply voicemail from the perky 26 year old Physician's Assistant that likely has never once felt the horrors of a mental illness twisting and contorting her brain and mind.

"We received your request for a prescription.  As you remember from our discussion last week, we are uncertain as to what to prescribe you at this moment.  We gave you a prescription that we thought would benefit you and you developed an allergic reaction.  Because of that, we are not certain as to what to prescribe you at this time and am awaiting your records from your Neurologist and those from where you had your car accident years ago.  Once the doctor has received those and reviewed them, we will then decide what may be best for you to take."