I can always tell when my mood is going "up" or "lifting". As I get older and battle these episodes over and over... it's gotten where many times I literally feel the "drop" and I literally feel the "lift".
One of the telltale signs for me is that the colors in life start returning. That is, not everything is viewed in a darkened whitewash fog. Blues, Pinks, Reds, Violets... sort of like Spring blooming from the cold harsh darkness of winter.
Unfortunately, I am in a "mixed". This happens quite often actually. It's where I have the feeling of running but a hard brake is applied. All the pressure is building and ramping but no avenue, no pathway, to let it out. Anger, agitation, annoyance, irritation all prickly and on hand. Everyone around me is stupid, everything is pointless but not in a suicidal way, and why can't so and so just handle such and such, it's so dang simple?
Problem is: I'm exhausted and fatigued. Most likely due to my Low Iron Deficiency Anemia and B12 Deficiency that I've just recently been diagnosed with after numerous blood tests. Very hard to want to run, jump, and skip when you are physically exhausted all the day long.
Anyway... went to my newest and shiniest mental health agency again. The one that pissed me off so badly last time. Only this time, I got placed with yet another prescribing provider - a new PA. The actual neuropsychiatrist no longer has time to provide to me (he said) so, rather than shift me onto the PA that I've dealt with the 2 visits with him... he shifted me to a 3rd. I met her today for the 1st time - the 3rd overall appointment.
I like her. Strangely though the first thing she asked was "so, do you just want to come only when symptomatic or would you want to do maintenance?" Excuse me.
Towards the end of the session she then said, very pleasant like "so, if you don't feel comfortable with me or want to work with me.. it's okay. We can put you onto another provider if you'd like. Jennifer, the one who you've dealt with so far in connection with Dr. G(name) is not taking clients of her own because she works solely alongside Dr. G but we can surely find you another in the office if you feel uncomfortable with me."
Excuse me... I just met you and so far I like you better than the MD and the PA blonde.
This one is a bit older than I, she is all into the holistic stuff which I'm not entirely into but I'm not closed minded against... and she spoke "to me" not "at me" like the MD and his Assistant PA. So, I liked her but found it so odd that she'd ask those questions. Almost like she was so hoping I'd not want to continue or only come in randomly.
She said she went over my paperwork thus far and Dr. G (name)'s evaluation and summaries and felt I needed Latuda. A brand spanking new 2nd generation anti-psychotic. She didn't really go into side effects except to say that I might have some drowsiness and I needed to take it with food. She didn't even tell me it was an anti-psychotic - I found that out by looking it up on the internet.
She said it was weight neutral and had a low occurance of allergic reactions; ie., itching and/or hives.
That was all she said about it... literally.
I go to work, look it up, and find it's a anti-psychotic specifically for Adult Schizophrenia and that's it. It has the exact same effects as all the others... tardive diskinesia (jerks, fish lips, etc..) and NMS (tachycardia, stroke, blood pressure, etc...) and metabolic (blood sugar, weight gain, etc...) and drowsiness. Along with many of the other potential effects.
Ok... I go in telling that I"m not depressed, feel agitated, can't sit still and feel like something is imploding but has a concrete lid on it... I speak my mind quite freely and my thoughts are scattered to the 7 winds these days... and I get a anti-psychotic for Adult Schizophrenia??
Supposedly after she supposedly looked all through my documentation and even went out and spoke with Dr. G. She comes back with samples of Latuda.
So... no other med. Not a stabilizer, not an anti-depressant, not even a much wanted benzodiazepine (which would help the anxiety considerably). No... the only med I get out of their shiny med tool box is a brand new spanking anti-psychotic for schizophrenia that they don't even tell me is a anti-psychotic when they hand the samples to me.
We will see how this goes...