2 Versions of Tabby - dark post, beware

By Tabby Wednesday, September 14, 2011

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Well, in truth, there are more versions of me but today I only note 2 in particular. One being the "out in the world" version and the other, well you all know, the "one with bipolar" version.

Out in the World version is the one that is a daughter, a sister, a mother, was a wife, am a employee, a taxpayer, and a citizen. It has numerous and multitudes of responsibilities such as bills, raising child, caring for elderly parent, dodging toxic sisters, being abused as wife, working for a MH agency going down the toilet, paying taxes, and well... being a citizen of this fine & republican country (a bit of sarcasm there).

It must go out into the world with a smile on it's face. It can't be angry. It can't be sad. It can't be "too happy" and it can't be "too mad". It can't have an off day or a quiet day and it can't have a dizzying day or a suicidal ideated day.

It must smile, keeps it's head up, be positive, be cheerful, socialize, patronize, generalize, and energize. No mistake is it allowed, nor can it be alone or in a large crowd and yes, I know.. it seems I am rhyming. So much better than the alternative of dying.

It can't argue. It can't disagree. It can't speak up and depending on the situation, it isn't even allowed to agree.

Not allowed to be sick, not allowed to be ill for if it is, there is no money to earn to put in the till. Must work work work, must pay your bills, must never ever ever feel the bipolar ills.

Now, the One with Bipolar version, she is so different. She is hidden and secret and strictly forbidden.

Can't show it's face, can't enjoy it's grace, for if it does then it's a disgrace. Peace, not to be found though it looks all around. Up, down, sideways, and all over town. Not a place to be found that holds peace of mind, thoughts always scattered if not in a depressive bind.

It can't be shown. It can't be told. It can't be exposed for it will be harshly scolded.

Weak, meek, useless, and crazy. Never mind that most folks think it's lazy when some days it's mind is so very very hazy.

Pain inside and pain outside, pain is all it knows and feels. So sad that the more time goes by and the more it ages, the less it heals and the more it's mind kills. Kills dreams and hopes and fantasies galore, leaves only gaping searing painful mental sores.

So.. those are the 2 versions of Tabby at this moment you see. Always caught in what feels like a turbulant stormy sea. Waves so high and waves so deep, always knocking and rolling me out of my desire for deep sleep.

I wish I may and I wish I might, for just one night, be allowed to give up the never ending fight.

March's Anniversaries

Comments (4) | Add comment

ABaker

9/14/11 8:49pm

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I have been feeling so alone. I am going through the same thing. Sometimes I find (pardon my religious reference) saying the Serenity Prayer over and over and over again helps:

"God grant me the serenity to accecpt the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time enjoying one moment at a time. Accecpting hardship as a pathway to peace"....

all the best

Tabby

9/14/11 9:11pm

ABaker

even in the deepest midst of blackened darkness

you are not alone

peace

Donna-1

9/15/11 8:46am

Wow, Tabby. I hardly know what to say. I have felt this way, too, at times. It is so hard to feel like you are really two people that are often at odds with each other. And if you're like me, there is this "unwritten rule" that they must be kept separate and distinct. Like Jekyll and Hyde. But you really know they are deeply integrated.

It does bother me that you refer to your selves as "it." When I do that, I find I am not connecting with my whole self. I start experiencing derealization and depersonalization and feeling numb and "once removed" from the world. Yeah, it can be easier that way, I understand. And I understang having to hide your innermost self from the world -- that can be a wise thing to do.

I don't know about you, but it helps me tremendously to keep a journal about my feelings. It seems to keep me more integrated when I am exploring all of myself in words, and helps relieve the frustration of dealing with a world that can't possibly understand.

I have two selves, in a little different way. I present one self to my family and friends -- upbeat, helpful, encouraging, patient. While inside I am afraid, anxious, depressed, feeling downtrodden, discouraged and irritable. I feel I must keep them separate and not let people know what is really going on inside. Because they might not like that "real" me. But in truth, they are both very much me. And I think if we all knew each other's "inside person" we might not want to ever go out in public again!

Don't let it make you feel at odds with yourself, divided, defeated. It's okay to offer a congenial and socially acceptable(!) person on the outside, and still totally accept the you on the inside. I don't think you should feel like you have to be totally either one or the other. Allow yourself the room to be compassionate to both of yourselves and accepting of both. All of us have some thoughts we keep to ourselves. Being a part of society probably requires that. Allow yourself some time, certainly, to be the "real" inside you and let it all out. Therapy doesn't work for everyone -- it didn't work well for me. But sometimes it can help to have someone you can unload on and reveal all sides of yourself, without condemnation or judgment. I'm glad you can come to this forum and tell us what is going on.

alxv

10/25/11 3:54pm

Wow I have no words to describe how true you spoke of what we all feel deep inside every day.

Some how i only saw this post today I didn't saw it on my email, I wish I could be here for you then. My heart cries for all of us because it really is so hard for those who don't have any mental disorder to understand what we go through all our lives and how lonely it is.

It is a never ending battle but there are worst reallities than ours.

We have to stay together and keep supporting each other.

Today I'm having one of those days where I can't think straight and even more difficult in english LOL

If you like to chat by email just tell me ok? I'm here...

Take care,

Alex

2 Versions of Tabby - dark post, beware

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