The cost of being "high functioning"

Tabby Community Member
  • Several years ago, a kindly therapist, for whom I was seeing and my insurance (at that time) was paying... told me that I was considered "high functioning" for having such a severe mental illness.  I took it as a compliment, thanked her and she noted that it was, indeed, a form of compliment.  Little did I really realize, what it really meant.

     

    I have periods of what is called "decompensation".  I have numerous periods of "decompensation".  To decompensate, as I am aware of it, is to have periods of time when your got up and go basically packed up and left, when your ability to function within your daily living basically malfunctions to the point where you are... well... not able to function within your daily living.

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    This recurring period of "decompensation" nets me what is known as a status of Adult with Severe and Persistent Mental Illness.  It is a rather serious and severe status.  Yet, I am "high functioning" while malfunctioning.

     

    I can raise a child fairly much on my own.  I can pay my bills relatively well.  I work full time and manage complex tasks.  I drive a car, cook my own meals (or better yet, microwave and/or visit a drive thru) and I can rationalize my bouts of auditory and visual hallucinations as hallucinations, for the most part.  I recognize triggers and symptoms within myself.  This is why I was noted as "high functioning".

     

    Yet the cost of being so, is really really high.  I am not considered "mentally ill" ENOUGH to be ill, at least - not on appearance.  I am so adapt at "faking it to make it", that I hide fairly well... my decompensation to a great degree.  I've had to in order to survive.

     

    Still... when a circuit on the board has overheated, shorted out or torn loose... causing all sorts of internal chaos, anguish, agitation and stress... NO ONE sees it and worse of all, NO ONE believes it.  I'm told to "suck it up" and "be grateful" and "pull up your britches and get on with it", instead of just allowing myself to lay about in the bed all day when my mind is screaming or take off my clothing and swish my bra around when I feel the intense need to tear my clothes in public, to be free (I have this intense urging every so often; this and shaving off ALL of my hair).

     

    If I'm deeply suicidal; it barely resonates outwardly.  If I'm hearing voices screaming at me, only I hear the voices and yet am able to filter out the "real" ones from the "non-real" ones and respond reasonably cohesively.  If my mind has gone squirrely and shot out in 6 directions at the same time... sure my eyes may spin and rattle but damn if I still don't manage that report.

     

    The cost of being "high functioning" is when NO ONE sees, hears or believes you when you are low to barely functioning.  In addition; when something is so not right in whoville, you are so keenly aware of it and yet often times, cannot right it.

     

    As I grow older, I am growing ever more weary within my mind of "faking it to make it" and not being taken seriously when I practically screaming that something is just NOT right.  I'm weary of being told to just "suck it up" or asked "what is your problem, it's not like others don't have any and you are something special.  get on with yourself and stop whining."

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    Or, just not being taken seriously... at all.

     

    There is a song called "If I die Young" by The Band Perry.  Each time I hear it, I get goose bumps and tears.  There is a line in there somewhere about "save your tears and put them in your pocket for a time when you'll need them." and another line that goes something like "a penny for my thoughts.  Oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar.. they are worth so much more after I'm a gonna.. funny how people start a listening to what you've been saying, after your gone."

     

    I've always said, to family - friends and my journals "one day you will hate you did not hear me, that you did not notice me and it will be too late then."

     

    The high cost of being "high functioning" is that no one hears you, no one notices you and seldom does anyone feel it necessary to help you... when you are apparently so able to help yourself.

Published On: November 21, 2012
27 Comments
  • Grace
    Mar. 21, 2017
    I hear what you are saying. Same with me. I don't know how I've lasted these 30 plus years, maybe because I am "high functioning" so I do what I have to to survive. I remember many years ago trying to reach out to my grandmother and all she had to tell me was to sample out of it. I reminded here that though she was an orphan she wouldn't have bad things to...
    RHMLucky777
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    I hear what you are saying. Same with me. I don't know how I've lasted these 30 plus years, maybe because I am "high functioning" so I do what I have to to survive. I remember many years ago trying to reach out to my grandmother and all she had to tell me was to sample out of it. I reminded here that though she was an orphan she wouldn't have bad things to remember about her parents. I could about mine because my father tried killing my alcoholic abusive mother. Snapping out of it wasn't an option for me. I stopped seeing a particular therapist because the last time I saw her I was in so much distress I talked about wanting to die and she fluffed it off and made some remarks about me not being serious and that I was not feeling that badly inside. That was the last time I saw her. I felt exactly how you did. I feel like that myself sometimes as if I don't have a right to feel or should not feel sad or anxious because I know I am not living in a psych ward. It's all inside and no one can ever tell us how we feel. Only we know.
  • Neneng
    Mar. 21, 2017
    And I thought I was alone...
  • KatataK
    Feb. 26, 2017
    To the author...thankyou for putting into words what u cannot at this time....kat
  • BD
    BD
    Nov. 05, 2016
    I am currently having this problem, about 8 weeks ago I told my therapist that I felt I needed to go back on my meds, she just waved it off. Several weeks ago I expressed how I felt I was not getting the help I needed and she basically reminded that I was "High Functioning". Seven days later I brought this subject up with my social worker, and got the same...
    RHMLucky777
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    I am currently having this problem, about 8 weeks ago I told my therapist that I felt I needed to go back on my meds, she just waved it off. Several weeks ago I expressed how I felt I was not getting the help I needed and she basically reminded that I was "High Functioning". Seven days later I brought this subject up with my social worker, and got the same answer, that I am "High Functioning". This gave me the impression that I was not worth their time, their efforts and not worth the wasting of their resources. I nosed-dived and sank ever deeper into my depression. I became non-functioning for ten days where I lay in bed, slept 18 to 20 hours a day and ate one meal every third day. I missed four appointments/group sessions in seven days before anyone thought to call and check on me. It would be another three days before anybody would hear from me. If suicide would have been an option, I would have been long dead before anyone checked up on me. At my next appointment, we discussed this whole thing. at one point my therapist asked me if I would tell her if I became suicidal, I shook my head and said "No, I'll just do it." I am not sure she believes me.
  • Being Me
    Sep. 22, 2016
    I took it as a compliment, but after I read this piece it hit home. I got it now. I am the fake. I fake it every single day. There are times where I feel it is real, but is it? I am working, taking care of a huge home, have a dog, and a full-time relationship with a man that I managed to keep for 13 years. I am saying to work keep is because I always walk out...
    RHMLucky777
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    I took it as a compliment, but after I read this piece it hit home. I got it now. I am the fake. I fake it every single day. There are times where I feel it is real, but is it? I am working, taking care of a huge home, have a dog, and a full-time relationship with a man that I managed to keep for 13 years. I am saying to work keep is because I always walk out of every single relationship including my family. I always come back to my family when I feel I can handle them again. The men...no once I am gone I am gone. I have a lot to be thankful for and I work with a great doctor and I will be working with a therapist soon. Medication helps, but it is not the perfect tool. The song that goes on in my head is " Just don't stop trying"
  • Scootermotorcycleguy
    Dec. 31, 2015
    I am high functioning socially and intellectually. Actually far above average. But I cannot work and meeting friends outside of the mental health system is too difficult. I m alone all of the time except for time I see my therapist.
  • somewhat successful
    Dec. 20, 2015
    I completely agree with you. I'll be in the middle of doing something at work, then all of a sudden, my consciousness shifts, and I'm in the twilight zone with no idea how I got there, it just happened. It's like my sanity is only temporary and can change at any time. This is incredibly frightening, especially if you're bipolar 1 and know severe psychosis intimately....
    RHMLucky777
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    I completely agree with you. I'll be in the middle of doing something at work, then all of a sudden, my consciousness shifts, and I'm in the twilight zone with no idea how I got there, it just happened. It's like my sanity is only temporary and can change at any time. This is incredibly frightening, especially if you're bipolar 1 and know severe psychosis intimately. The medication helps tremendously, but when I'm doing everything right and trying to live that advertised normal life and work my normal job and I can't even count on the medications, it's incredibly frustrating. My mania is well documented, and not all of it was fun. I'm trying to move on with life, trying to not be seen as the crazy person, and I find that everybody loves it when I act normal, but it's not always easy to keep that up, and its incredibly unfair to someone who is living with a mental disorder to demand that they act like everybody else when they can't. We don't live in a world where it's okay that you're disabled. Most people on disability wish they could work, and the enforced poverty that is disability is not something I look forward to, even though I'm glad it's there ( although there are some who don't think mental patients deserve it). Often it's difficult to even find jobs when people know you're mentally ill because you're not seem as good long term investment, and it makes me angry that I'm seen as a charity case by employers when I bring so much to the table. Luckily, I've been at my job for 4 years and my employer sees my value, but it wasn't always easy, and I wasn't always stable, so fair enough. I don't expect anyone to take care of me, so I keep going to help myself despite how suicidal I end up sometimes. I'm determined not to go out like that.
  • AngelaTucson
    Sep. 18, 2015
    I am recently (last 2 months) diagnosed bipolar. I spent a week in the hospital, where the psychiatrist told me how high functioning I was. I can relate to this article. I work FT, go to college online, run a household, and often with dread or chaos clouding every step I take. Thank you for this article. I get it.
  • Anonymous
    Heather B
    May. 11, 2014
    Having a spouse recently diagnosed and is very high functioning makes this hit so close to home. My husband and I are very open with each other but I can't even begin to imagine what goes on in his head. I'm sorry you don't have more people around you to support you. Unfortunately neither did my husband. I do and allow him to be him but others just wouldn't...
    RHMLucky777
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    Having a spouse recently diagnosed and is very high functioning makes this hit so close to home. My husband and I are very open with each other but I can't even begin to imagine what goes on in his head. I'm sorry you don't have more people around you to support you. Unfortunately neither did my husband. I do and allow him to be him but others just wouldn't understand. Thanks for telling your story. It helps people like us who are so new to it.
    • Argebie
      May. 18, 2015
      I've been aware of the things that go through my husbands head for some time now. I know he goes through a lot that he does not externalize, but I can still see it in his behavior. He is very high-functioning, I doubt anyone who doesn't live with him would ever recognize the disconnects. I'm just now reading into high-functioning bipolar disorder and so much...
      RHMLucky777
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      I've been aware of the things that go through my husbands head for some time now. I know he goes through a lot that he does not externalize, but I can still see it in his behavior. He is very high-functioning, I doubt anyone who doesn't live with him would ever recognize the disconnects. I'm just now reading into high-functioning bipolar disorder and so much of it rings true to my observations. Additionally, he has a genetic history of bipolar disorder in his family, the evidence is strong. I'd like to bring all of this up to him and find out if he'd be willing to be evaluated but I'm afraid of his reaction, much of his frustration comes out as anger, though he puts enormous effort forth to contain it. Did you bring this up with your husband or did he bring it up himself? I'm too embarrassed to ask our friends for support, I don't want them to think ill of my husband or our relationship. Much love and support!
  • Tabby
    Sep. 07, 2013

    Have I said to any of you lately that I "hear you" and I "am one of you through and through"

     

    I have a "other me"

    She hurts, she cries, she screams, she fears and all the craziness she endures, swirls within her mind.

     

    NO ONE gets to see or hear the "other me", but me

    because NO ONE cares to

     

    I have had 2 therapists in my life time of therapy...

    RHMLucky777

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    Have I said to any of you lately that I "hear you" and I "am one of you through and through"

     

    I have a "other me"

    She hurts, she cries, she screams, she fears and all the craziness she endures, swirls within her mind.

     

    NO ONE gets to see or hear the "other me", but me

    because NO ONE cares to

     

    I have had 2 therapists in my life time of therapy of which I allowed to see the "other me", if only briefly

    they both told me - during their time with me - that I was not broken or damaged goods... I was not bad or evil or any of the things my mind tells me continously


    I was just sick and it was the illness.. the illness they labeled me with.. that kept convincing me of

     

    I am still sick... I am still ill

     

    At this moment... I have found another job, will start a new in a week or 2

    Summer is coming to a close and Fall is creeping slowly towards

     

    This morning I felt "up", "hopeful", looking towards

    Right now... I feel "suicidal" as the sun filters back down through the trees, lining my backyard.. and night is creeping towards

     

    and I CANNOT tell a soul nor spirit... and I cry

     

    so awesome to be "high functional"... if I took all the meds they want me to take, I'd be "low functional"... have been before, many times over... I've got Lithium now and only, as psych meds... no one wants me to be "low functional", I'd not be able to work or care for my child

     

    yet no one seems to get... I'm sick and I'm struggling

    • Donna-1
      Sep. 07, 2013

      It is precisely BECAUSE suffering is universal that it should receive more respect.

    • Bonnie
      Sep. 08, 2013

      Well please realize you are not alone in your struggles. I'm now pursuing to have my diagnosis changed to a neurological disorder.  Innocent

       

      I found these WONDERFUL links: 

       
       
      "Neuroimaging promises to play an integral...
      RHMLucky777
      Read More

      Well please realize you are not alone in your struggles. I'm now pursuing to have my diagnosis changed to a neurological disorder.  Innocent

       

      I found these WONDERFUL links: 

       
       
      "Neuroimaging promises to play an integral role in solving the mystery of emotion regulation in BPD, which in turn may guide future treatment strategies."
       
       
      As Shari Y. Manning, Ph.D, writes in her excellent book Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, “People with BPD have an exquisite vulnerability to emotions.” And this susceptibility is hardwired.
      I think it is high time we start demanding people (doctors) recognize we are PHYSICALLY disabled and deserve the same protection available for those with disabilities that are visual. I'm sure if the above is the case for BPD, it is true for many other, so called, mental disorders as well.
    • Donna-1
      Sep. 08, 2013

      After a couple of on-the-job disasters when I revealed my diagnosis, I changed what I called my illness.  When a situation dictated that I absolutely had to say SOMETHING, I started saying that I had a brain disorder.  Not exactly a lie.  And I was not surprised to discover that people everywhere are a whole lot more understanding about "brain...

      RHMLucky777

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      After a couple of on-the-job disasters when I revealed my diagnosis, I changed what I called my illness.  When a situation dictated that I absolutely had to say SOMETHING, I started saying that I had a brain disorder.  Not exactly a lie.  And I was not surprised to discover that people everywhere are a whole lot more understanding about "brain disorders" than they are about "bipolar disorder" or "schizophrenia."

    • Bonnie
      Sep. 09, 2013

      It very well may not be a lie.  Please to research on your diagnosis.  I found this for borderline personality disorder.  WHICH can be a component of a lot of other diagnosis. 

      http://psychcentral.com/news/2009/09/04/brain-scans-clarify-borderline-personality-disorder/8184.html

       

      But you are right; in the work situation, calling it...

      RHMLucky777

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      It very well may not be a lie.  Please to research on your diagnosis.  I found this for borderline personality disorder.  WHICH can be a component of a lot of other diagnosis. 

      http://psychcentral.com/news/2009/09/04/brain-scans-clarify-borderline-personality-disorder/8184.html

       

      But you are right; in the work situation, calling it a neurological brain disorder is the best way to go.  I just wish I had that kind of understanding back when I was still able to work.

    • Bonnie
      Sep. 09, 2013

      I hear you on the drug dilemma.  But I will tell you this; I currently have to take xanax because of the stress I am under.  I learned this trick WAY back in my twenties; take a B complex at night when you are taking drugs which you drowsy. It helps reduce the drug hangover. 

       

      If you don't want to take any drugs, research SamE

       

       ...

      RHMLucky777

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      I hear you on the drug dilemma.  But I will tell you this; I currently have to take xanax because of the stress I am under.  I learned this trick WAY back in my twenties; take a B complex at night when you are taking drugs which you drowsy. It helps reduce the drug hangover. 

       

      If you don't want to take any drugs, research SamE

       

       

      It can help.  I would also then recommend taking a green supplement for more energy and mood stabilization.
      http://www.wholefoodsmagazine.com/supplements/features/power-greens
      And what REALLY helped me was getting a doctor to treat me for having too much yeast in my system WAY back in my twenties. (yeast resides in the brain as well as other areas of our bodies) The first time I got treated, I literally felt 100 lbs lighter.  Now when I start to feel drained on energy, I know of the right kind of supplements to take which help.
      http://drcarolyndean.com/articles_depression_and_yeast.html
      http://www.alternativementalhealth.com/articles/candida.htm
      Good luck!
  • Donna-1
    Sep. 05, 2013

    Amen, sisters.  You are preaching to the choir.

     

    I was just writing concerning this same thing in a post about trying to find a part time job.  I am too "high functioning" to qualify for a minimum wage job.  They want to find me a position commensurate with my education and experience.  But my "breakdown" didn't occur until I was in...

    RHMLucky777

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    Amen, sisters.  You are preaching to the choir.

     

    I was just writing concerning this same thing in a post about trying to find a part time job.  I am too "high functioning" to qualify for a minimum wage job.  They want to find me a position commensurate with my education and experience.  But my "breakdown" didn't occur until I was in my late 30's.  After I was already educated and experienced!  The event profoundly changed my ability to perform sequential tasks and affected my memory.  I had symptoms long before, but when I was 37 it all became dramatically worse.  I haven't even worked in about 10 years, and I'm 55 now.  Yet I am expected to be able to do the same type of administrative and clerical work I did 20 yrs ago.

     

    But perhaps more to the point, is my experience of frequent decompensation.  When I am not feeling well mentally, emotionally, psychologically, whateve-you-want-to-call-it, I isolate myself from everyone -- even my family.  I am often suicidal, homicidal, prostrate with grief over lost opportunities, and bereft of hope and goals for the future.  I don't WANT to be this way.  Moreover, I don't want anyone to SEE me feel this way.  When I feel better, I go out, socialize more, attend church, visit with neighbors, etc.  I do feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, both in the same day, most days.  Or like the little girl with the curl right in the middle of her forehead -- "when she was good she was very very good, and when she was bad she was horrid."

     

    So, oviously, the me people are familiar with is the one that they see when I'm feeling pretty good.  When I isolate, my family accuses me of abandoning them, of being mercurial and temperamental, or perhaps of not taking my meds.  Sometimes they are right.  But since they see the good me, they always assume I'm really doing well.  Responsible.  Compassionate.  Generous.

     

    The me I really feel connected with, though, is what I call the Other Me.  Maybe because that is where the real depths of emotion lie.  The me that wants nothing more than to disappear from the face of the earth.  I can identify with that witch in The Wizard of Oz who cries out, "I'm melttttiiinnngg".  Sometimes I feel as if I AM literally melting.  Like I'm too near hell and my soul is melting.  But no one knows this Other but me.  I tried to explain this to my psychiatrist last week, although in abbreviated form.  He doesn't have time to listen to the full version, you understand.  (Maybe that's part of the problem -- no one really has time to listen.)  Since it is my habit to appear good-natured no matter what I am feeling, he said, "You certainly don't look depressed to me.  It doesn't look like you have a care in the world."  So basically, what I was saying was dismissed in favor of how I looked.

     

    Maybe I should stop bathing, brushing my teeth, wearing deodorant, washing and ironing my clothes, and living in a decent apartment.  Maybe I should stop watching the news and working crossword puzzles.  Maybe I should stop APPEARING sane, because a lot of times I certainly don't FEEL sane.  But I ask myself, how many so-called sane people whom I see every day really have an Other Me.  Sometimes I feel I should be Goth with black lipstick, black hair, black nails, black clothes, spiked dog collars, SM bracelets (yes, I know not all Goths dress like this, but many do).  But at age 55, that would merely be an anachronism, not a statement of how I feel inside.  The mental picture is right, though.

    • Bonnie
      Sep. 06, 2013

      Oh I so completely understand; thanks for sharing  No one understands me when I tell them I have far more in common with that unkept person, talking to themselves on the street, than them.  I am 57 years old, and got first told I had issues when I was 17 years old.  But an actual diagnosis, for what I was going through, didn't even exist until...

      RHMLucky777

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      Oh I so completely understand; thanks for sharing  No one understands me when I tell them I have far more in common with that unkept person, talking to themselves on the street, than them.  I am 57 years old, and got first told I had issues when I was 17 years old.  But an actual diagnosis, for what I was going through, didn't even exist until a few decades ago.

       

      I'm in crisis now, going in and out of a comotose state when I am alone.  But I stap out of it and just continue on until the mood hits again.  I started telling therapists, a long time ago, that I have become a "smart rat."  I know the maze of my own insanity so very well, I know how to find my way out way too fast for the normal therapist to begin to comprehend.

       

      I went to one therapist and was crying over my despair.  She started to chide me for feeling sorry for myself. You should have seen the shocked look on her face when I immediately snapped out of it and defiantly asked, "Oh, you want me to act normal?"  I've gotten to the point where I really don't have much respect for the mental health industry.  They still want to pigeon hole way too many people.

    • Donna-1
      Sep. 07, 2013

      Bonnie, don't you love it when therapists try to talk you out of your feelings, your emotions?  You want them to not only listen on the surface, but to get a full-frontal view of what's underneath.  And they don't.  I think intellectually, they must know.  Objectively, they must know.  How could they be licensed therapists if they didn't? ...

      RHMLucky777

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      Bonnie, don't you love it when therapists try to talk you out of your feelings, your emotions?  You want them to not only listen on the surface, but to get a full-frontal view of what's underneath.  And they don't.  I think intellectually, they must know.  Objectively, they must know.  How could they be licensed therapists if they didn't?  But subjectively, they are so quick to compartmentalize their own feelings and lock them away somewhere, you can see their eyes glaze over.  And you become a case study.  Case #00865723b.  The fith client they've seen that day.

       

      A couple of weeks ago, I was deep into something important as my 45 minute therapy session was drawing to a close.  After all, it would be another 15 minutes, right, before the next person's session started.  I heard the entrance bell ring to her reception area door and knew someone had come in.  She glanced up at the clock, closed her notebook and smiled.

       

      "Time for me to go, right?"  I asked.

       

      "Yes," she said, "I have another client after you."

       

      I was being dismissed.  I understood -- that's the nature of the business.  The nature of any business.  Out with the last customer, in with the next one.  I made a mental note to watch the clock closer next time and find a stopping place before the 45 minutes is gone.  But in therapy, I don't want to be merely a customer.

       

      I felt rage for some time afterwards.  Along with all those perfectly normal intrusive thoughts of getting back at her.  Vandalism.  Tire-slashing.  Perhaps a particularly vindictive editorial about therapists for the local newspaper.  Ha.

       

      All I wanted was to be taken seriously.  I wanted someone (even someone I paid to listen) to know that inside I was a raving lunatic that spent evenings baying at the moon.  I told her I had been watching cable TV shows about serial killers to sublimate my anger toward family members.  I wanted her to be shocked by the paltry electricity of my honesty.  But she wasn't.  Not even a buzz.

       

      I think it is called "becoming jaded."  Merriam Webster defines that as

      JADED

      1: fatigued by overwork : exhausted
      2: made dull, apathetic, or cynical by experience or by surfeit
      Yep, that's it.
    • Bonnie
      Sep. 07, 2013

      Yep, I got so damn tired of having to pay someone to be my friend and understand.  I'm on social security disability now after losing a damn good job when the stress was really starting to get to me.  My psychologist told me he felt I would be read to start back to work in a few weeks.  I little later, they discovered I had severe idisk degeneration...

      RHMLucky777

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      Yep, I got so damn tired of having to pay someone to be my friend and understand.  I'm on social security disability now after losing a damn good job when the stress was really starting to get to me.  My psychologist told me he felt I would be read to start back to work in a few weeks.  I little later, they discovered I had severe idisk degeneration in my neck and that I REALLY did have a reason for the pain I was in. About a year later, after too many degenerative disk disease tests proved negative; I asked to finally have a brain lesion.  And I finally got some good news, I have brain lesions!  Now I need to go around telling people I have a neurological disorder; not a mental disorder.  :P

       

      Oh, and the psychologist I was seeing, that I could no longer continue to see because I lost my cobra benefits; he turned out to be the one Social Security sent me to for a re-eval.  I got passed with flying colors; I didn't have to say a thing.  If he had been anyway sympathetic, while I was still working, I had a private disability policy which would have paid me $30,000 a year and access to private insurance. So much for paying someone to be my friend. I have lousy mental health benefits under an medicare advantage plan right now; I plan to now pay extra to get a supplement come October.  It is time for me to face up to the fact that my brain ain't functioning like it use to.

    • Crystal
      Sep. 07, 2013
      The one thing I learned, was told is that Therapist are not suppose to be your friend. They are to remain professional and subjective. Being friends takes away from the soul purpose we are there, to get help from Therapt. Hopefully we find one that is sincere, kind, compassionate and caing for are well being.
    • Bonnie
      Sep. 08, 2013

      I do understand the "not our friend" thing; but it sure would have been nice to have SOMEONE recognize that the stress I was going through with work was disabling me.  When one doesn't have any family members to intercede; shouldn't your psychologist at least care enough to contact your primary care who is not listening to you, either?  It is not...

      RHMLucky777

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      I do understand the "not our friend" thing; but it sure would have been nice to have SOMEONE recognize that the stress I was going through with work was disabling me.  When one doesn't have any family members to intercede; shouldn't your psychologist at least care enough to contact your primary care who is not listening to you, either?  It is not easy going through life with no one to put down "in case of emergency." Undecided So tell me, what was I really paying this psychologist for in the first place?

       

      Oh well, the past is now the past and I have had to learn and accept that life is not fair.  It just is so frustrating, with Social Security going broke, that I could find no one to help me get the disability policy I had bought and paid for. No one cared but me.  I probably would have been able to recover and get back to work eventually; but now I'm just stuck without the insurance coverage to pay for the help I really need.  I'm scared to death of putting myself into stressful situations ever again. 

       

      I feel for Tabby, it isn't easy doing what she does.

    • Crystal
      Sep. 07, 2013
      I have had many Therapist throughtout the years. Never have I had one to short change the session. That's just wrong. If I am paying for an hour session, I expect to get it. They too should honor it and if they are caring, actually want it so they can help you. I would hold them accountable for the time. Simplyly saying, " we have 15 min left right? What can...
      RHMLucky777
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      I have had many Therapist throughtout the years. Never have I had one to short change the session. That's just wrong. If I am paying for an hour session, I expect to get it. They too should honor it and if they are caring, actually want it so they can help you. I would hold them accountable for the time. Simplyly saying, " we have 15 min left right? What can they say but yes because they know they do. You should never feel rushed. Another thing my therapists always did was at a certain point, wind the session down so I'm not left in turmoil or questions or feelings of being unsettled. They know when the time is nearing and it's up to them to reel you in and sum up the session or focus on what's troubling you so you are not left hanging. I guess that's why we 'shop" around for a 'good' therapist" once we have learned what to expect from a therapist, what to look for and make sure it is a good fit.
    • Crystal
      Sep. 07, 2013
      Sorry, I don't know want happened. I was replying to Donna on this one and it went to the end of the line. I hate computers. They are always screwing up. Or this site is. Or both. But anyway my last comment was to Donna.
  • Bonnie
    Sep. 05, 2013

    I can relate SO MUCH to what you are going through. I have the same experiences within my own head. I just wrote this to someone, looking to develop my own support network:

     

    Don't worry, after YEAR and spending thousands of dollars to help me deal with my many moments of crisis over the years; I am confident that I am now adequately house trained to behave...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    I can relate SO MUCH to what you are going through. I have the same experiences within my own head. I just wrote this to someone, looking to develop my own support network:

     

    Don't worry, after YEAR and spending thousands of dollars to help me deal with my many moments of crisis over the years; I am confident that I am now adequately house trained to behave properly around others.   But that could also be part of my problem in finding help; I keep my thoughts, well managed in my head, to myself.

     

    I just hope you are still around to get this message.

  • cathryne
    Nov. 22, 2012

    I go through much the same thing daily.  My problems seem to be that my Boss, T, thinks that when I am in the throw's of decompensation, I am specifically "doing this" and "having attitude" to hurt him.  Yes, T, and the sun "rises int the moring,T,  because it knows you are afraid of the dark", yes, it IS all about me getting back at you and...

    RHMLucky777

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    I go through much the same thing daily.  My problems seem to be that my Boss, T, thinks that when I am in the throw's of decompensation, I am specifically "doing this" and "having attitude" to hurt him.  Yes, T, and the sun "rises int the moring,T,  because it knows you are afraid of the dark", yes, it IS all about me getting back at you and therefore all about YOU.  YOU mo:::::ron"   I don't think he actually believes that I am sick.  He thinks its all a game so I can get away with "attitude".  Attitude is not psychotically wanting to kill you, T, it's more like "oh sh!t:" not "KILL you, you mf".  But that's what he actually believes that I think.  That I hate hime. Personally.  He'll never get it.  He doesn't know.  I just say sure, Ill buck up and change my attitude, you'll see, I promise.  He smiles and I leave his office and throw away my Invega because it 's making me jumpy and harsh.  And we go on and I still can't be around him because my decompensation is still in high gear and he will think that I hate him.Then it passes and I feel sort of guilty and sort of not.  Just grateful that I've crawled through another decompensation on my belly like a snake.  And I have no way of not faking it and staying employed.  It gets to the point where at times I believe I really CANT stand him jus t because he will not shut up about it.