I am terrified at this point. I have ALWAYS had the highs and lows, since childhood. But now the world is walling in on me, I know I NEED help. But am to terrified to go in ANYWHERE.  I was a very abused child, my mother used Dentisty (see would work on my teeth, when I was bad) as torture. I have been in and out of hospitals and doctors offices all of my life. For other things child birth, gull bladder, ER, ect. Every experence making me more and more fearful.  But in the past 2-3 years I freak out and violently react any where close.

My Bipolar has me at such a low, I do not get out out bed. I am currently sick and the vomting/cramping  fits are making me worst. My family thinks I am making this all up. No one understands. If it wasn't for my Children (which I have hired a nanny), my music and my animals. I would end this pain. Every single day I maybe sleep 3-4 hours on a good night, I have extreme pain back (2 slipped discs), stress makes me violently ill, I am always moody and I can't make it stop.

There are days I have written notes to my family. Then rip them up.

I am LOST

Satherine,

You are suffering and will continue to suffer until you take action and get some help.  Your fear, based on your past experiences is walling you in, preventing your action and seeking a solution to your suffering.  Suffering can be prolonged, fear comes and goes.  The past is only real in your mind, it has come and gone.  It is only here in the present because you have not forgiven others, yourself and let it go.  The trauma and emotional pain "was" real.  You must learn how to let go of the past, not drag it into the present where you relive it again and again.

If you venture out for help, what is the worst that can happen.  You may become afraid, experience anxiety, feel ill.  The fear will come to an end when you begin to feel safe, maybe at home.  The fear and your reaction may not be as bad as you imagined but in any case will come and go.  Your suffering will not leave you without help.  Which is worse the suffering or the transient experience of fear?  With treatment your symptoms of depression may ease and you may feel better about getting out.  Then therapy may be a possibility, to come to acceptance with your past and leave the weight of it behind you where it belongs.  You will then be free to experience the present moment with freedom.  Treat the depression, alleviating the anxiety and fear, then face the challenge of coming to acceptance with your past through therapy.  The alternative is to let your fear control you as your situation declines.

I have such a totured soul, my (Mommy dearest), is just 1 sweet chapter of my sad life. How I have lived this long is amazing and no nothing self infelected. 99% of the Humans on this planet are worth the air the breath, (greedy, selfish, plastic-barbie-PTSA, Doctors if you don't have $$$ go away). I have Extreme Highs and Lows, that has been my emotions since childhood, then deep depressions lasting months at a time. My ONLY claming effects come from things that would scare 99% of the humans... hehe  ... #1 My Husband supports me no matter what.# My Children both the ones I have here with me and that one that has passed. #3 My animals and I do not mean the fuzzy, sweet kind. #4 My Music that is an emotional release that has been since childhood. #5 I will not leave my youngest 2 children without a living parent, no matter how bad I get.... (I take GREAT offense to that). #6 I will not go near one of those hospitals for all the tea in China... and I have no insurance.. who would see me???