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I am loosing my mind.

By Satherine Thursday, July 09, 2009

I am terrified at this point. I have ALWAYS had the highs and lows, since childhood. But now the world is walling in on me, I know I NEED help. But am to terrified to go in ANYWHERE.  I was a very abused child, my mother used Dentisty (see would work on my teeth, when I was bad) as torture. I have been in and out of hospitals and doctors offices all of my life. For other things child birth, gull bladder, ER, ect. Every experence making me more and more fearful.  But in the past 2-3 years I freak out and violently react any where close.

My Bipolar has me at such a low, I do not get out out bed. I am currently sick and the vomting/cramping  fits are making me worst. My family thinks I am making this all up. No one understands. If it wasn't for my Children (which I have hired a nanny), my music and my animals. I would end this pain. Every single day I maybe sleep 3-4 hours on a good night, I have extreme pain back (2 slipped discs), stress makes me violently ill, I am always moody and I can't make it stop.

There are days I have written notes to my family. Then rip them up.

I am LOST.

What Calms me.....
Anonymous
mimicohen
7/ 9/09 11:48am

Your message is very sad. I have an adult child who has bipolar; I thought that his case is very strong, but you are suffering a lot. You are very lucky to have children, which means that you have had and still have some life. My child has nothing, loosing job because of lay-offs which lowers self esteem.

I will be thinking of you; I am from Columbus originally; you are close to my heart, sincerely, mimi

7/ 9/09 12:54pm

You know you need help and you know where you need to be to get the help you know you need.

 

Your children, whom you say are 1 of 3 reasons you remain, wouldn't want to find you dead from your own hand or know that you died because you knew - at this moment - that you needed help, you knew where you needed to be to get the help, and you chose not to seek it out.

 

Courage is not something someone has who is brave and confident, without fear, going into battle.

Courage is something someone has while pee is running down their legs, shaking and crying, and knowing it has to be done and fought, whilst running and screaming into the battle...

 

By no means am i calling you a coward for contemplating and writing notes but what I do know is that you are very courageous and a survivor

just look at what you've survived thus far. 

Going into a hospital and getting the help you know you need... compared to what you went through as a child and survived...

 

The call and decision is purely yours to make

I will keep you in my thoughts

 

7/15/09 10:06pm

Just so you understand that writing my family notes.....

 

#1   I LIVE with an exteremly painful illness everyday... ((imgane eating GLASS and NAILS then let them go through your system))

 

#2  I have extreme highs and lows and anyone that knows me knows that...

 

#3 I can not stand 99% of the Humans on this planet. (selfish, Evil, greedy) there is no GOD... please do not preach I am PAGAN

 

#4 My Children are taken care of no matter where Mommy takes her time....

 

#5 On Dec. 5th 2005 My Husband at the time came to my home (we were seperated), when I would no let him in... He went to our home in York, SC and took his own life... with a 44....

 

#6 I am be INSANE by the -laws-eyes ... but I am not heartless to my children.....

 

 

7/ 9/09 12:56pm

I am terrified at this point. I have ALWAYS had the highs and lows, since childhood. But now the world is walling in on me, I know I NEED help. But am to terrified to go in ANYWHERE.  I was a very abused child, my mother used Dentisty (see would work on my teeth, when I was bad) as torture. I have been in and out of hospitals and doctors offices all of my life. For other things child birth, gull bladder, ER, ect. Every experence making me more and more fearful.  But in the past 2-3 years I freak out and violently react any where close.

My Bipolar has me at such a low, I do not get out out bed. I am currently sick and the vomting/cramping  fits are making me worst. My family thinks I am making this all up. No one understands. If it wasn't for my Children (which I have hired a nanny), my music and my animals. I would end this pain. Every single day I maybe sleep 3-4 hours on a good night, I have extreme pain back (2 slipped discs), stress makes me violently ill, I am always moody and I can't make it stop.

There are days I have written notes to my family. Then rip them up.

I am LOST

 

Satherine,

 

You are suffering and will continue to suffer until you take action and get some help.  Your fear, based on your past experiences is walling you in, preventing your action and seeking a solution to your suffering.  Suffering can be prolonged, fear comes and goes.  The past is only real in your mind, it has come and gone.  It is only here in the present because you have not forgiven others, yourself and let it go.  The trauma and emotional pain "was" real.  You must learn how to let go of the past, not drag it into the present where you relive it again and again.

 

If you venture out for help, what is the worst that can happen.  You may become afraid, experience anxiety, feel ill.  The fear will come to an end when you begin to feel safe, maybe at home.  The fear and your reaction may not be as bad as you imagined but in any case will come and go.  Your suffering will not leave you without help.  Which is worse the suffering or the transient experience of fear?  With treatment your symptoms of depression may ease and you may feel better about getting out.  Then therapy may be a possibility, to come to acceptance with your past and leave the weight of it behind you where it belongs.  You will then be free to experience the present moment with freedom.  Treat the depression, alleviating the anxiety and fear, then face the challenge of coming to acceptance with your past through therapy.  The alternative is to let your fear control you as your situation declines.

Anonymous
Rick Eanes, M.Ed.
7/13/09 7:07pm

I am Bi- Polar. I have been an alcoholic, divorced twice and lost my career as Master's level -psychologist. I will make no effort to beguile you from your terrible sense of loss.

 

I lost everything I had worked for, before I finally hit bottom, Today, at age 57, I have nothing. I take my meds and hold on. I am writing a novel, and were it not for the novel, Iknow I would in less worse condition than I am in.

 

 I encourage you to write even if you have interest in publishing.

Also, there is an excellent book entitled:The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns; it may help you to cope.

 

I wish you best, but please know that others suffer, You are no alone i your belief that you are losing your mind. It is, however highly unlikely.

 

Afriend that wishes well.

7/15/09 10:11pm

I have been on EVER med cocktail there is... I WILL NOT live as an emotionally dead zomibe.... and ((anti depp make me suicidal on them))

 

NEVER AGAIN

7/15/09 10:52pm

I have such a totured soul, my (Mommy dearest), is just 1 sweet chapter of my sad life. How I have lived this long is amazing and no nothing self infelected. 99% of the Humans on this planet are worth the air the breath, (greedy, selfish, plastic-barbie-PTSA, Doctors if you don't have $$$ go away). I have Extreme Highs and Lows, that has been my emotions since childhood, then deep depressions lasting months at a time. My ONLY claming effects come from things that would scare 99% of the humans... hehe  ... #1 My Husband supports me no matter what.# My Children both the ones I have here with me and that one that has passed. #3 My animals and I do not mean the fuzzy, sweet kind. #4 My Music that is an emotional release that has been since childhood. #5 I will not leave my youngest 2 children without a living parent, no matter how bad I get.... (I take GREAT offense to that). #6 I will not go near one of those hospitals for all the tea in China... and I have no insurance.. who would see me???

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By Satherine— Last Modified: 09/03/10, First Published: 07/09/09