My husband has been acting secretive about what he is doing on the computer (closing windows and starting up a card game when I come into the room. He does this a lot in the mornings when he thinks I am in bed. Today I looked at his browsing history and found porn sites including several video porn- visits from just this morning. I am not a prude, and we have watched things together before, but the secretivity is what has me upset. The type of porn he's looking at is hot 18yo stuff. Since I am in my 50s with body issues due to age and weight gain; it makes me feel even more inadequate about myself. I sit here wondering what to do. It isn't the first time we have had an issue with sex secrets (never affairs that I am pretty sure of), and he has been contrite and appolgetic before. I have said before *why don't you come to me?* It just cuts away at how I feel about myself and the secrets further errode what I feel about him. Since my new medications, this is the worst I have felt. What do I do? I am going to my doc on the 5th for a regular appointment. Do I wait and talk to my doc first? I fear there is porn addiction at work here, since when I looked at 7 days of history, the sites are on there a lot. Needless to say, these young looking shaved, pumped and flexible girls performing all sorts of weird acts make me feel like hiding myself away.
I caught my husband red handed a few years ago and we talked it through. He was not doing it "all the time" and I had the libido of ...well nothing, my meds had switched it off, so we talked it through and he was embarrased and felt awful and I told him how bad it made me feel as a woman and as a sexual being (and especially about my body image etc) and to my knowledge it has not happened again. He really had no idea how much it would hurt me so talking through it was really good for our marriage. I think sometimes men have absolutely no idea how it can make a woman feel to be confronted by their partner being turned on by those images so far from their own body - I think he needs to know how hurt you are and then he can make a decision about what he wants to do about it.
Good luck
N
He does know as we have had this conversation in the past. It's why he's being secretive about it.
I guess I can't really tell you that, only he can tell you that so you need to get it out in the open sooner rather than later for the sake of your health. He may be trying to save your feelings (or thinks that what he's doing - a psychological excuse) but in doing so is hurting you more - who knows unless you hear it from him. But you cannot leave this as you are hurting and everything is only speculation until you speak with him.
Nxxx
I guess I did not feel as strongly about it as some (and in some instances here quite rightlly so) I could see how horribly my husband felt and he cried and the shame was evident.Hhe was young, had never had a sexual partner other than myself and was a computer geek who probably had that as his only outlet, it was mild stuff and I caught him looking (doing nothing else) and he was so horrified and his dignity was in tatters. I forgave him, but every scenario is different. You said that you had watched it together in the past and that it's the secrecy that's getting to you - bet to talk it out I think, but that;s just my opinion. Sex is not the holy of holies in my marriage, friendship and trust and companionship and understanding have been much more valuable to me than a roll in the hay and he has put up with a lot due to my illness. That's no excuse but none of us are perfect and I forgave him his indiscretion because I know he is a faithful, loyal man and that he loves me. But mine was a small issue, and yours is larger, you need to work through the secrecy part first before you make any calls one way or the other.
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