Just got out of my first Inpatient ever

By Karri28 Sunday, May 30, 2010

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I started having more sever anxiety attacks and 'self mutilating' it make me feel like was letting out some of the pain inside that I know of no other way to get out. Then I started thinking about OD'ing. I'd never under normal circumcstances do that. I don't want to hurt my family like that.

So my husband came home and I was such a mess that I finally told him all of what what going on. He had already been trying to call my p-doc to move up my appt b/c he could tell I was slowly getting worse. They sent us straight to the psych unit.

I feel so fragile... shouldn't I feel stronger now? I had a mild anxiety attack just thinking about going to somewhere big, and I have no idea how I'm going to make it through church. I think I may have talked them into letting me out a bit too soon, but I wanted to come home so bad! I'm not thinking about suicide, I'm trying to come up with other ways to let out this pain and anxiety - did you know there is not a singel stress ball to be found in this stupid town?

My anxiety is up toward the highest it has ever been. Things I could usually do now send my heart fluttering. I don't know if I'll be able to work on Tues. b/c the thought of going makes me feel just awful. We had to leave our nice dinner out early last night because it just kept getting louder and more people and it felt like it was all closing in and i just couldn't keep myself calm.

I don't want to go back to inpatient. I was on close observation for two days and that was horrid. Once I got on the special observation unit it was actually helpful and restful. I wrote tons of letters, hand Mom and Dad (in-laws) read them, a well as my hubby, to make sur they sounded good and not mean or snarky (I rewrote them so many times I hope I did a good job) to send to my family to let them know that I love them, set boundaries, let them know what is going on, and tell them that I will understand if they do not want a relationship (like my two living siblings have already told me). I'm going to start talking to them only by email and letters. On the phone my family knows all the right buttons to push to make me doubt myself and feel guilt and shame for doing nothing wrong! Why do I want the approval of these people that hurt me so much?!

But I do have my 'in-laws', Mom and Dad who love me unconditionally and where here for me when I got out of the hospital. My husband, who knows everything that is going on and I can confide everything in, he usually takes an active role in my treatment, it was only my stupid fear that kept me from confiding my cutting and suicidal thoughts from him, Grandma and the Aunts (more in-laws, but they claim me as their own and I do them too) who are willing to help and have me hang around on days that I don't think I can stand to be alone, and be support for me. My Momma,she loves me no matter what, she doesn't think I should take meds, she believes in the whole heal yourself type thing, but she is trying to be understanding that won't work for me and has promised not to try to push that on me.

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Shelly

5/30/10 10:37am

Karri,

First of all, God Bless you. Be proud not ashamed. You took the right steps to get and keep yourself safe. It sounds like you have a terrific support system in place now that you're out of the hospital. I'm happy that you have a wonderful, caring husband and extended family that love you unconditionally. I hope that the people you wrote letters too will understand your vulnerability right now and see the courage it took for you to write what you did to them. You have to look out for you right now and sometimes those that we love are very toxic to us and we have to distance ourselves from them for a period of time or sometimes hard as it is, forever. If they don't get it, remember that it's THEIR problem...it's not yours. We can't MAKE anyone else understand.

Question for you...while you were in the hospital, did they go through your meds? take you off some, put you on some different ones? If so, this may be contributing to your high anxiety issues. It sometimes takes awhile for meds to take effect in our bodies. If the feelings persist and you really can't handle it, get to your pdoc ASAP!! My best advice is have supreme patience with yourself. You ARE very fragile. There is nothing wrong with that. You have to 'start over' in lots of ways. I mean you are talking itty bitty baby steps here. Do whatever to stay healthy. Sometimes that means leaving a wonderful job or having someone else watch the kids for awhile, joining a bipolar support group, seeing your therapist more often, getting signed up with the county if you can't afford doctor appointments, etc. I realize it's all overwhelming. It sounds like your husband is your strongest advocate. Determine right now that you will be totally honest with him. I know when I was having very dark thoughts of hurting myself, I had to get so honest...it was hard!! But we came to realize that the dark thoughts didn't mean action or follow through. We both quit panicking every time those thoughts tried to settle into my brain. Now I know that when I have them, I have to ramp up the sleep...cut back on any extra activity...take better care of me.

We tend to want to take care of everyone else and think it's a sin to take care of ourselves. We are valuable and important and worth taking care of. We can't do what we want to or need to if we are sick! When we are physically sick we take care of ourselves...so it should be when we are mentally sick.

I'm proud of you for taking the steps that you have already. It IS HARD to realize that we have a mental illness. I'm coming to realize that it's no different than having diabetes or a heart condition. We have to take our meds just like those people do. As my therapist reminded me over and over, instead of monitoring blood sugar, I have to monitor moods! That does not make me any less of a person. I am not bipolar...I HAVE bipolar...a HUGE difference in how it affects how I think about it and me.

I have a good friend that just got out of the hospital from a 3 day stay. She said as awful as it was, it was the best thing too. She found out that one of her meds had built up to a dangerous level. Needed to be adjusted. Even though she felt humiliated and so weak, she also found a new strength in her budding relationship with God. I don't know where you stand faithwise, but that has been a HUGE source of comfort to me.

Karri, keep us posted here. You have a bigger support system than you realize here. Some of us don't write responses very often, but do think about you...send well wishes and pray!! No greater thing than prayer for one another.

Peace,

Shelly

Karri28

5/31/10 1:12pm

It's been hard to be open about having bipolar, my Dad actually told my nephew that I was nuts and had a nervous breakdown! When he called (he's 19) I was open and honest and answered all of his questions. He seems to understand and told me that no matter what, I am his sweet Aunt, that this changes nothing.

I've had to stop calling my Dad. He hates my husband for some reason and my husband has been my strongest support and advocate.

Thank you for the advice. I'm going to take most or all of it! I feel lost. My inpatient experiece, after I got out of the close observation unit, was wonderful. Very calming and reassuring. But they did not tell me how very frail I would feel when I got out. I stayed 5 days, and I think if I'd known I'd feel this much anxiety and fragility I'd have stayed in.

My Faith saw me through. I took my Bible, daily devotional and the book that helped me the most: John Piper's Battling Unbelief. It has a chapter on battling anxiety, from his own personal experience, and it really helped, especially the Bible references,I'm going to print those out and try to memorize them to help me when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Thank you so much!

Grace be with you,

Karri

tabby

5/30/10 8:34pm

I am quite proud of you. You did it. You found courage through your fear to get the help you knew you needed and saw had to happen and you did it.

You said that you think you may have talked yourself discharged too soon. This may actually be possible. You seem to not have stayed but 2-3 days and while I, myself, have had 2-3 day stays... it's the longer 5-28 day stays that seem to do more because you get more of the therapy and the meds have a better time to "set in" before you are released.

Still, you went and for this I am most glad.

The feeling fragile and unsettled is actually quite normal after a stay. You found a sense of safety and some security in the hospital. You were with folks similar to yourself and with professional folks who were there if you needed them. You then come home and you are returned to that for which you left and things do not feel so safe and secure anymore.

It will take a while to "transition" back and while doing so, things will be unsettled and topsy turvy. Most especially if they did any medication tweaks and/or change outs.

DO NOT make any major life decisions about anything for at least 3 months. The pros always warn about making life changes or major decisions within 3 months of a hospitalization even one as short as yours.

This is because it will likely take about 3 months to settle from the hospital stay and in the meantime, any changes will be met with the critical sense of "you went into the hospital and see what happened?" So, they always always warn folks not to make any life decisions, changes, or major decisions within the first 3 months.

Karri28

5/31/10 1:04pm

I stayed for 5 days, 2 in close observation and 3 in special observation. I think you are right, I felt safe, I felt understood. I slept great. I have not slept good since I got home.

My in-laws, who are like a Mom and Dad to me, left this morning, andI had an anxiety attack after they left. What will I do with them gone? My husband goes back to work tomorrow and I'll be alone with my kids. I don't think I'm ready to take care of them on my own yet. So while I long for my own bed, I think I'm going to pack up and go to Grandma's and stay with her so that at least I won't be alone. My husband has night classes, so if I stay here, I'll be alone ALL day. :(

Thank you so much for the advice. They did not explain to me that feeling fragile would be something to expect, I expected to keep that feeling of getting stronger that I had in the hospital. And thank you especially telling me about not making any big decisions for three months, that makes sense, and I told my husband about it. I'm lucky to have a man that I can lean on in every way, even if I still have a hard time asking for help... I think I'll learn to do that better as he checks on me regularly. He told me I'd probably get tired of it, I told him no, I like that he cares and it also helps me to do a regular check in with myself to see how I am doing.

Thank you soo much for all you wrote :)

Grace be with you

Karri

tabby

5/31/10 1:28pm

During one stay, I had a social worker smile and ask me "aren't you ready to go home? Won't you be glad to be going home?" and I honestly looked at her and said "no." She then asked me why? and so I told her.

That is why I mentioned that feeling of safety, of security, while in the hospital. At first, it is rather frightening and unnerving being in a place you've not been before and with folks not quite "on the ball". You do not know the rules, you do not know the routine, and you are feeling like a fish completely out of the fish bowl and flailing on the floor.

Then, shortly after some time has passed, you get into the routine and become familiar with the rules. Eventually you come off of close observation and are allowed to go pee by yourself (one stay, the woman actually watched me in the actual room) and you start getting to know the other "guests" and the staff.

Not all stays are great, some are hideous but, those that are good are comforting and securing. If the medications do something funny, the docs and nurses are there and if something upsets you, the social workers and other patients are there AND nearly all know precisely what you are experiencing (the patients, not necessarily the staff).

then you come home and you got the meds and the family is at you to pick up and move along back to what you are to do. Your life resumes and well, you are just very fragile and unstable for a while. You got to "transition" yourself from the warm cocoon of the hospital to the cold reality of your actual life.

I think, that you taking a few more days or so and staying at your grandmas might not be such a bad thing. If you do not feel safe to be alone at home, then that is not such a abnormal request. My last IP, the doc would not release me unless he had word that I would be with someone responsible night and day for at least a week after discharge.

However, if you are still feeling unsafe after say a week or so... you really really need to speak with the pdoc again asap.

You are also very fortunate to have a husband that is willing to do and be whatever you need him to do or be, at this time. That is a positive thing in the recovery from the hospitalization.

Yet, you do need to try - a wee bit at a time - to get back into the swing of things both slowly and carefully. It just will take time.

Shelly

5/31/10 1:57pm

Tabby,

You have such wonderful advice from someone that has been there. I've not had a hospital stay...I've fought tooth and nail with everything in my being because I think it will really prove that I'm 'crazy'. Heck, I know I am!!

Karri,

All kidding aside, I've actually told people that I've had a nervous breakdown...because it's true. Our nervous system just can't handle anymore and it does breakdown. I have not been in the hospital. I have had 2 times recently January/February that my husband and I contemplated it...but I'm a stubborn one! I think I probably could have saved my husband lots of anguish and worry had I been admitted. He worried so much to leave me alone because I couldn't be without him while in public. I was like glue!! My therapist had to explain to him what was going on with me. It helped alot. I've been so independent for many years of our marriage and could now not make a single decision or take steps to get out of bed many days. I moved from depression to anxiety so rapidly. I think I'll have to get the book you referenced. It will be a good one to read. I too, take such solace in my bible.

Just to reassure you, you will get better...sometimes it's such itty bitty baby steps it's hard to believe you're moving forward. But little by little you will. Keep talking to those people that love you no matter what. I'm sure your dad loves you but right now he doesn't understand and is probably embarrassed because he wonders what HE did wrong in raising you. He's confused. He doesn't understand the concept of what a brain illness is. If we could get beyond the stigma of 'mental illness'. It's the brain that is sick....imbalanced...causing our behaviors and thoughts and disfunction. Believe you me, if I could choose...I would not probably have chosen this as my thorn!! But it is what it is...and I choose to believe it is a blessing. (at least most of the time)

I'm praying for you dear...keep us posted as you go about your journey. We're here for you!

Shelly

6/ 2/10 11:15am

Karri,

Just wanted you to know that you are in my prayers today! How are things going for you? Are you staying at grandmas?

Little by little you are getting stronger. I just know it!

Hugs,

Shelly

Narelle

9/ 9/11 1:04am

I was just like that Tabby, I was in for nearly 2 months on my last hospital visit and it was very hard to come home - I basically was forced to by the doc. I felt like Ihad a kind of "extended family" in the hospital and everyone seemed to understand each other( with hindsight I can say that we all had very little in commobn excpet our illness which is not good over a long period of time!!). I look back now and know that I was very close to becoming institutionalised and I NEVER want to go back to hospital again. It has made me realise that getting so sick I have to go to hospital is no longer an option and i'm looking after myself so much better now. My husband has been great when i've been a little "mixed" and "up" and we have put measures in place so that I can get "hospital at home" visits if necessary in the future. I really did not want to come home, and I really do not want that to ever happen again unless its cause i'm on hols in the Bahamas!!

Just got out of my first Inpatient ever

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