My mood is still down, just different levels of down. I feel like I'm empty yet so heavy. Every task seems like it is too much, no matter how small it is. I haven't been able to get much done, but my MIL and FIL gave my husband a good talking to about helping out more around the house. so far he is doing ok at it.
I was so worried about having the kids full time this week, and God blessed me with a pop up reminder on my computer that it is VBS week. Then when we got there, they said that since I work there from time to time they would take my 2 yr old too. So I have a small break in the mornings all week. More time to recover some more. Thank God for small blessings.
I still have no energy to speak of, makes getting anything done really hard. The kids in the afternoon is easy, we spend about an hour in the pool, then straight to the tub and dinner then our before bed routine. Takes a lot of it out of me, but they are more than worth it. If anything I want to get better for them. They deserve to have Mommy at 100%.
Awful thoughts keep entering my head, I fight them off, I know I won't do it, but it is so tempting to just take all of my pills and just go to sleep. Very selfish of me. I won't do it, all I have to do is picture my little ones faces and I know I won't, but I wish the thoughts would go away.
I'm down to my last pack of cigs and I gotta find something else to do instead of smoking. I don't want that habit back. It's bad enough that I've smoked 4 packs. I don't want to smoke any more. I'm thinking maybe some yoga whenever I get a craving, and keeping a whole lot of gum on hand.
I still have no appetite. So when I do eat I have no idea when I'm full, I just eat what is put in front of me. If my husband doesn't make me eat, then I don't. I did remember to eat breakfast this morning, 1/2 of a bagel, better than nothing.
I wish this would just go away. I want me back.
Karri,
That's the best advice I can give you. It's gonna take time and patience. Keep doing what you're doing...you're doing the right things. It took me 5 of the 8 months since I've been diagnosed and in the deepest hole of my life to FEEL again. I just kept going thru the motions. Eating...make a chart, check it off. Have your husband help if necessary.
Take your meds and vitamins. Another item on the chart.
Get some exercize...swimming in the pool sounds wonderful. Getting sun is awesome!
Going to your therapist.
Taking care of your kids. You are doing that! Yay!!
pushing away those demonic thoughts. It is satan. God wants you to be well. Stopping smoking is great!! congratulations! chewing gum is a help. I'm thinking that some of the meds your on will help with the process. I hope so. I know when my husband attempts quitting chewing tobacco, he's put on wellbutrin which is an antidepressant.
Believe it or not, being in the void...the blahs...the not able to do much...the numbness is part of the healing process. I didn't believe it but looking back...it is. Our brain gets a good chance to rest.
You don't want to hurt yourself. You won't do it. You recognize that. Keep praying as I am praying for you. He hears even the groans. Even if it's rote words. Or saying Jesus over and over and over.
Thank God for your inlaws...you have such a blessing in them. Your husband will hopefully understand in the near future. It's going to take him time too. Give each other slack.
Keep a list of prayer requests and answers. Or make a list of everything you're thankful for.
You are living. You will be a better version of yourself. Honest. I'm getting there myself. I have said the same thing as you ended with. I want myself back. I've cried that to friends, at group, with family. God has shown me that I will be back even better. In the meantime, I am perfect just as I am through the whole process.
God Bless You.
Shelly
Thanks! I keep thinking I should be able to just bounce back into my life, but I'm so tired, and I feel like I'm going in slow motion. My husband has been great, taking time to help out, and even decided we should split up the house work so that he can help more... he's not so great at it, but at least he is helping.
I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm not superwoman and I can't just rebound like it was nothing
Hi Shelly, all
I have been on Depression connect for some time. However, there's something about my symptoms that I'm not seeing over there. I just read a piece on HC now about 50% of Very depressed people not being diagnosed with Bipolar just because they dont have the typical Manic episodes. But have different mania by way of great Irritation, feelings of anger inside, I read with interest about the awful tiredness. I live in Ireland , ive no job now and am on Social welfare psychiatry, public, which means, I only get to see the shrink for about 10mins if Im lucky so not alot of time to get to know a patient?
Several of the psychiatrists, [they change every 6months] have said they felt I had Bip.2 fast cycling. Then the Top consultant says she doesnt think I have.
Ive been on Lexapro up to 30mg for 2months and my Depression is still bad. I also have this agitation, this desolation, which can change during the day and i sing and feel v happy only to crash down again. I have a dreadful fatigue, I just cant stay up, so, I get up to take my Antidepressants and BP tabs and breakfast, I keep going but around 3pm I cant take living on my own and i havent any impetus to go out so I lie on my bed and just sleep until 5. I feel a good deal better. Im wondering if this is from the Meds ? Im not a good sleeper at night anyway, not even with sleeping medication. I wake/sleep and wake early. I'm beginning to think, that with the anger I feel towards my relatives [justifiable but unrealistic to feel it so deeply] and the irritation I feel at small things, that I am bipolar 2. Recently I have verbally attacked people who upset me, usually strangers in the street. I am shy and timid and this really frightens me that I would do this [afterwards]OK these people are rude, in restaurants or whatever, but this wrath that I have isnt 'normal' sorry for going on so long.
I see the psychiatrist next week and I may question her about going on a mood stabiliser rather than the SSRI only as I do feel I am at the mercy of constant, daily ups and downs and its exausting. This deep depression has been very tiring.
That sounds just like one of the people that was in a group that I used to go to that had rapid cycling. I hope that things work out. I think I read the same article, how because your 'manic' cycle manifests more in irritation and anger instead of the crazy energy (I get really irritable during this time too) that they can see what it is. If you have to, take the article with you.
I hope they can see more of what is happening and get you diagnosed correctly. My thoughts and prayers are with you
Grace be with you
Karri28