Sooo... if I don't get doing any better in 3 weeks I'm going back inpatient. The doc wants to try to keep me out of inpatient, so we upped on of my meds and added another that will hopefully counter whatever it is that is making me so darn tired. I actually got up and cleaned my car today, and organized a little bit, the stuff that I have to have in there that usually ends up rolling around on the floor (peanuts for after anxiety attacks, wipes for the kids, paper towels....) and put it in a basket. The kids toys are all in a car toybox, so hopefully I can train them to put that stuff up insteadof throwing it on the floor.

Had another anxiety attack today. I forgot to do something and instead of calmly not worrying about it (it was too late, and not a big deal) I had an attack. Joy. Just when I think I might be getting a hold on it. I still feel awful, and tired, but no nap today. My oldest is too wound up about her VBS 'show' tonight to take a nap, so no nap for me either. I can't wait to see her sing, she loves being onstage.

I still have no energy, but the p-doc said the med will take 3 days to two weeks to kick in, varies in each person. I feel isolated and like I have no friends. I didn't go to the NAMI group last night because I was too tired after all the running around I had to do. I won't miss the DA meeting on Monday though, already have the babysitter coming, so no excuse to not go! Maybe I can connect with some people and work up a support network.

I had to cut things off with my brother and sister, they just kept attacking me and saying they were doing so out of 'love'. Of course I got emails back from both of them saying that they were cutting me out of their lives - just had to get the last word in I guess. I've set it up on my email so that anything from them gets deleted straight away. So now it feels like I've lost all of my siblings instead of just one. I miss my sister so much. We used to talk every day, about everything.

I guess all that is making me feel even more cut off from the outside world. I wish I could just shake this off and go make friends like I used to and get involved and go do things. But now everything seems so hard. every mole hill is a mountian. Just have to remember that I'm not going through this alone. My in-laws are great, but I have a hard time reaching out, so it's hard that even though they say if you just need to talk, call... to actually pick up the phone and do so is really hard

i'm still smoking.... I'd told my hubby that I quit. So this is my last pack. I'm loaded with gum and stress balls. Gotta get back into my yoga, I bet my breathing is gonna suck for a while.

Thanks for reading my rant, I'm just kinda all jumbled up today.