Why can't I be happy?

I hate this. I feel so depressed and overwhelmed. I can't stand when I'm depressed, but here I am depressed and feeling drained and not wanting to do a darn thing. Hating being depressed, which makes me feel bad b/c of all the things I should be doing, and that makes me feel worse.... very circular, I know.

I really want to start college in the Fall, but I'm confliced b/c I don't want someone else raising my babies. I want to be here for them, not drop them off with some stranger. I had to do that for the first two years of my 3 yr olds life and I despised it.

And I don't really know anyone here. I don't know where to find a good nanny or daycare or preschool I have no idea where to start. The people at the local college I'm wanting to go to won't return my calls.

And it is really hard for me to make friends now. I feel like I've been without close friends for so long that I just don't know how to make friends of what to do. I feel like it is hopeless.

I've started having anxiety attacks again. I all but ran out of the grocery store yesterday, I felt like everyone was staring at me and I just wanted to hide. I have stuff for the anxiety attacks, but I don't like taking it.

But I should be happy as a clam. I'm living my dream, I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, and here I am. I have two wonderful girls that I adore, and a huband who is usually understanding and is wonderful. My father is going to help with the expenses of daycare for me to go to college, and possibly give me a loan to pay off my debts and get some things taken care of. Why can't I be happy when there is so much good in my life?

BTW, I just noticed that it says 'recovered from' I changed it, but it wouldn't change on this post. I am not recovered from, I just barely got back on meds