Why can't I be happy?

By Karri28 Friday, June 19, 2009

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I hate this. I feel so depressed and overwhelmed. I can't stand when I'm depressed, but here I am depressed and feeling drained and not wanting to do a darn thing. Hating being depressed, which makes me feel bad b/c of all the things I should be doing, and that makes me feel worse.... very circular, I know.

I really want to start college in the Fall, but I'm confliced b/c I don't want someone else raising my babies. I want to be here for them, not drop them off with some stranger. I had to do that for the first two years of my 3 yr olds life and I despised it.

And I don't really know anyone here. I don't know where to find a good nanny or daycare or preschool I have no idea where to start. The people at the local college I'm wanting to go to won't return my calls.

And it is really hard for me to make friends now. I feel like I've been without close friends for so long that I just don't know how to make friends of what to do. I feel like it is hopeless.

I've started having anxiety attacks again. I all but ran out of the grocery store yesterday, I felt like everyone was staring at me and I just wanted to hide. I have stuff for the anxiety attacks, but I don't like taking it.

But I should be happy as a clam. I'm living my dream, I always wanted to be a stay at home mom, and here I am. I have two wonderful girls that I adore, and a huband who is usually understanding and is wonderful. My father is going to help with the expenses of daycare for me to go to college, and possibly give me a loan to pay off my debts and get some things taken care of. Why can't I be happy when there is so much good in my life?

BTW, I just noticed that it says 'recovered from' I changed it, but it wouldn't change on this post. I am not recovered from, I just barely got back on meds

Anxiety and procrastination

Comments (4) | Add comment

dark angel

6/19/09 12:16pm

i know how you feel

i have had one or two of those before

but i handled it and didn't get scared enough to run out of the store

sorry i hope that doesn't get you down

BUT breathing and relaxing does help

and so does just knowing it is all not reality helped me

and as for the depression, it still takes a small tole on me

it is truely something that can stop what you are doing

durring those times i just crash and listen to music and forget it

then when i am more up to it, i get my stuff done

sometimes when i am more awake i force myself to do it

then there are all the forms of mania--, which sometimes i am too restless or hyper to do anything then! but they do help me get stuff done

darkangel

AveMaria

6/19/09 1:50pm

That's a huge sore area for me as well especially being bipolar, having a lasting friendship hasn't been my strong suit. Sure, I can make friends, but when I do get into depression mode, then I disappear from my friends for fear they wouldn't want to be around me when I am like this. My bf would say to me that I should stop complaining about not having friends and do something about it, and I finally did...

Most of my friends now after graduating college have been mostly from work, which annoyed me a lil b/c only a few would ever hang out with me outside of work. So, i found this website called www.meetup.com and it's great! They are self run groups based on differing interests. I joined a hiking group, a girls night out group, and a wine group in my area. And the great thing is everyone who goes to the meetup are cool, because they want to meet new ppl just like u. So, it's ok to be nervous b/c they are too, but at the same time they are open minded like u. I would have never joined this in my depressed state, but now that I am out of it, and feel better about myself I did find this website very helpful. I recommend u check it out. There are sooo many different groups and if there isn't one u were looking for u, u can actually start one then.

Well, I hope that helps somewhat...

Tabby

6/19/09 4:10pm

depression, especially Bipolar Depression, doesn't have to have a reason all the time... it just is

and I find that when I have my darkest depressions but know in my brain there really is no reason for them being triggered... it just really screws with my mind because if there is no real reason for being depressed then it means I really am "not right" doesn't it?

Just a thought or thoughts... you mention the conflict between leaving your children somewhere and your dream of being a state at home mom which you are currently. Also, change - even good change - can trigger intense mood swings in folks with mood disorders. Good change can produce stress on the mind's system as well, if not moreso sometimes, as bad stress. Stress of any kind - is well, stress.

In my opinion, AND this is all it is

School and the ability to return to school to better yourself and therefore provide a positive role model for your children is not a bad thing. Not many folks are able to do this nor have the means to make it happen, much less have someone to pay down debts incurred over the years so that it can happen.

This isn't to further stress you out or invalidate your feelings but, to maybe show you the possible grand opportunity you are being given. It will provide a good example to your children when they are older that you are never too old to learn and that having a higher education is a goal in which to pursue and obtain in order to better enhance your life and possibilities.

I know none of this is liable to make things feel better. I'm mostly ramblin.

Just be gentle on yourself, don't think so hard about the details until the time comes, take solace in those who are there to give it to you, and discuss your feelings and emotions with your therapist and your pdoc. That is what they are all there for.

Peace and good luck.

John McManamy, Health Guide

6/19/09 9:09pm

Really good question. What you describe in the sense of being caught between the present and the future is common to all of us. So I decided to reply in my own sharepost here:

http://www.healthcentral.com/bipolar/c/15/75461/present-happiness

Hope this helps. And please feel free to respond to my piece. All the best -

Why can't I be happy?

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