Impulsive

By Karri28 Monday, July 06, 2009

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I used to daydream, while riding/driving of taking off my seatbelt, opening the door and jumping out. The impulse/image would be so strong that I would grasp my hands tight or grip my arms so that I would not undo my seatbelt. I never thought I actually do it, but I wondered what it would be like. I never thought much about after impact, just jumping out, especially on really steep roads.

Before I go on, let me say two things. One, I would never commit suicide. I am not a coward, and no one will ever have to tell my family that I did not love them enough to simply go on living. Two, I had my husband hide our gun. I do not know where it is, and it will stay hid till I am more stable.

Ok, so it has been a few years since I've had one of those impulsive... daydreams. But I had one last week. So strong I had to hug my arms to me and dig my nails in. I would no way ever do it... but it was so sudden, to impulsive. I don't know if I should mention it to my doc or not. I so do not want to be put impatient,I mean, I would never do it... but it worried me that it even happened. If I mention it, will they throw me in a hospital till they deep I'm fixed, or actually help me?

Making a Routine to Follow/ College, now or later?

Comments (3) | Add comment

Alexis313

7/ 7/09 1:09am

no they wont put u in a hospitle but they will out u not meds

Eric

7/ 7/09 3:07am

Opening Pandora's Box

Hey Karri...your not the first nor will you be the last to have suicidal ideations of leaping from a fast moving vehicle to slamming head on into a tree to going off a cliff. Just because your thinking it dosen't mean you will actually follow through with it but it is worth being drought up with your therapist.

Actually it's more common that most think and for the most part treatable with meds and or therapy. I started off this post with opening Pandora's box because you used the word coward to describe someone that has become so depressed that they finally reached the point of following through.

Coward is a word used by therapists to try to change a persons perspective that may be contemplating suicide or from people left behind to try and free themselves from the guilt they may be dealing with in the aftermath. The real truth is the term coward is about the last word I would ever use to describe this person. Irrational thinking, severely depressed and in dire straits...yes.

Even the dictionary states that coward is one who shows ignoble fear in the face of danger or pain. Face of danger or pain could be words used to describe a daily occurrence of someone that is severely depressed and continues this way for an extended period of time before finally getting to this point.

If your reading this and feeling suicidal...understand it from someone that knows how your feeling that there is help. What you are feeling even though it may seem totally rational to you, is very irrational and part of our illness... Kind of like looking through rose colored glasses. Nothing and I repeat nothing is worth taking ones own life. You are not a burden on the people around you even though you are feeling that way now.

Now is the time to stop being a warrior and get some help. Getting and receiving help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of courage...don't wait and do it today!

Tabby

7/ 7/09 10:27am

What you are having are ideations of harming yourself in a way that you possibly won't come back. Kinda the "running away" impulse and many many folks, including me, struggle with it when depressed.

Even though you swear you'd never go through with the thoughts, you are internally and subconsciously wanting to (having to physically restrain yourself) and sometimes the internal subsconscious wins out over the head thinking... especially in deep depression. I, personnally, do not have the ideations until I get pretty near the bottom of a very severe dark depressive episode. Most of those episodes, I never carry out the impulse or desire but in my lifetime, there have been a few times where the internal won out in attempting.

To me, it's me not wanting to actually end my life but to end my life as it is at that moment. To end the pain, the suffocation, the darkness surrounding me that the depression has engulfed and consumed me in... I'm wanting out of the constant churning of thoughts, of situations I can't seem to get a grasp on, of well... my life at the moment but not ever really life.

You need to tell your therapist you are having these. It's not a mild symptom and as much as they may go away for a time, the next time you enter into a deep depressive spell they'll return. It's a symptom, a insidious symptom. You also want to tell your psychiatrist. He/she will likely want to up your meds or adjust them somewhat or add something to the mix for a while.

If you are seriously and honestly contemplating harming yourself or committing suicide, then you need to run - not walk - to your psychiatrist and/or ER. As far as being IP and they keeping you till your helped or fixed... Sug, they aren't there for fixing or helping.. they are there to keep you safe from yourself.

They typically dope you up real well so you'll be stable enough to go home to follow up with your psychiatrist. However long that takes is between you and how much med they give you. Often times, therapists and pdocs refer to IP as a "vacation from yourself or your life". I have yet to actually experience an enjoyable vacation in one but becoming safe with myself? Yeah.

PS:

Hmm, invalidating someone's horrific mental pain and ending their life as calling them a coward - It's good that you know in your head that you'd never act on those ideations or impulses but find it interesting that your husband had to hide a gun so you wouldn't know where it to locate it. I myself, wouldn't have my husband keep his guns in the house because I knew, internally, that one day my internal subsconscious might win out over my head thinking. Interesting...

I've known of folks who have succeeded in commiting suicide. I've never looked on them as being a coward, a loser, a failure, or a quiter. Nor, have I looked on them as being weak. I've felt sadness, grief, confusion, a loss, but never that they were any of those descriptions nor did I pity them. I just honored them as I would someone who passed of any other illness, disorder, accident, or natural event and I pray for their spirits to find mercy and grace.

I've also known of folks who did out of pure spite at another, out of pure fear of being caught, and out of just wanting someone's attention cause they weren't getting their way suddenly (those typically don't mean to succeed but you never know when you attempt, do you?). Those, I just scratch my head, not honor so much honestly but want their spirits to find mercy and grace wherever they may be heading? Yeah.

When you yourself have been on the edge and peering over into the abyss or hanging over the edge by 2-3 fingernails... or know of folks who have attempted and/or who have just went completely over and into... you just have a different perspective on the whole thing.

Impulsive

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