Karri~

I can tell  based on you having young girls that you must be still fairly young yourself. I'm going to tell you a bit about me in the hopes that it will help you.

I'm 49. It's taken me until this last major depression after a few years of hypomania to get properly diagnosed with bp. I've had a mental illness based on the symptoms that I've read about and what I've experienced in my lifetime pretty much all my life. I know for sure that I started in with the differing thoughts when I was about 8. I know that the major depression began the end of my senior year in hs. Every 10 years since then I've had a major crash. This is only the 2nd time that I've gotten medical help. I'm older and wiser enough to realize that I WANT to live my life as healthily as possible. I will take whatever steps necessary.

One of the things that I've come to realize with intensive therapy the past 2 years is that I'm a people pleaser to the max. I suffer from abandonment/loss issues. I will do anything to avoid hurting others, and in the process I've hurt myself to the point of wanting to dissappear. Those hurts come in the form of extreme mental anguish that manifests itself in physical symptoms. I knew as a teenager that when my stomach hurt, it was really easy to get rid of the problem by throwing up. That started years of bulemia. It didn't deal with the underlying problems of why my stomach hurt. It was where the anxiety manifested itself. I am getting smarter to connect the symptoms...

During college I experimented with alcohol for the first time...for someone with strong alcoholism in her geneology, it created lots of havoc. Many times I've had to just stop for many periods of time because of the depressive nature of alcohol. Doesn't bode well for an already depressed person. I know it would  be best if I just never had alcohol. I'm not yet willing to give it up.

I learned how to breathe and biofeedback my way through anxiety producing situations. I got out of myself and became a very outgoing person involved in many wonderful endeavors.

I found out how nutrition affects how I feel. What different supplements do for me. I also learned which substances to avoid...legal drugs I like to call them.

Last October, I was officially diagnosed with BP because none of those things that I learned or was doing to cope helped anymore.

Then the real healing began.

So much of what we feel and experience that contributes to our mental illness is wrapped up in our genetics, predisposition to certain physical weaknesses, the environment we grew up in...our heritage.

I found out that my family of origin had lots of disfunction. There were times where I've had to severely limit contact with them because I was not strong enough to deal. I've gone through the whole guilt gamut. The 'love' gamut. The learned behaviors. The thought processes. As I get a stronger sense of self and who God created ME to be, I am becoming that person. I am now able to relate to my family in a much healthier way. I've put up boundaries. My brain barrier is getting stronger. I don't absorb so much of other people's stuff. I am able to give some pretty good advice at times. I have fun with my family again. Despite all the disfunction, we were a good family who did alot of really neat things together.

Because of how I am, how I grew up, the personality, gifts, strengths, weaknesses I have...I am a wonderful wife, mom, grandmom, daughter, sister, friend, acquaintance and child of God.

I hope this helps you to know that it's ok...ok to be apart for a time. Learn about those triggers. Learn what happens within your body. You have only one you. Learn all about Karri!