Confused

By Confused Thursday, December 20, 2007

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My husband is bi-polar and we just found out about 6 mos ago. He's in therapy, taking meds, but is still really sensitive to everything I say or do. He's extremely smothering and the amount of times he says "I love you", would choke a horse. I love him dearly but he is so moody that I just don't know what to do...so I clam up and don't communicate. Every time I communicate a concern, or something I'm not happy with, he gets really defensive or really worried I'm going to leave him. So, what do I do? He doesn't want me to walk on eggshells around him, but if I don't, I'm the one that suffers. I understand he's having a hard time, but sometimes I just want to say "GET OVER YOURSELF". There is more in life then just you! I need support, and just don't know where to go. I'm determined to make it work.

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Hopeful mom

12/21/07 4:10am

HaHa. I'm sorry to laugh but I've never heard anyone complain that their husband says "I love you" too much.

Maybe you should just communicate to him that you do love him and you are going to stick it out with him.

I would also suggest going to therapy with him. The therapist can give you good insight on how to deal with things and make him feel more secure.

I will tell you that this is a very hard diagnosis to take for the person who has it and for the family.

He's scared and he just needs reassurance that your not going anywhere.

Confused

12/21/07 12:02pm

I have told him on serveral occasions that the only thing that would make me leave would be for him to hit me, verbally abuse me or cheat on me. Having Bi-Polar isn't in there. He's been violent in the past, but with the therapy, and medications, that has stopped and hasn't reaccured. You are right about him needing reassurance, but how often do I have to keep telling him I'm not going anywhere. I know he loves me and he knows I love him, but sometimes I feel like he's a child and I'm the mother. I don't want that kind of a relationship with him. I want it to be husband and wife.

Hopeful mom

12/21/07 12:19pm

Have you been to his therapy appointments with him?

Our therapist has a way of getting some things out of us that we may not necessarily like but are helpful to communication.

I think my son and I have communicated much better since going to her.

We don't like or agree with everything she has to say, but at least she gets us talking in constructive ways.

Confused

12/22/07 10:12pm

I go every once in a while. My husband made is a point to let me know that when I go with him, I tend to talk too much and it ends up being about me. So, I'm not sure if that's helpful to him. I haven't been in a while but I could always try again.

Hopeful mom

12/22/07 10:29pm

Usually our therapist talks to me for about 10-15 minutes, then talks to my son. It helps to have us go in separately because she's getting two perspectives on how things are going.

Confused

12/22/07 10:32pm

do you think I should call and suggest that. I know that if I am having a really hard time, I can call him and he'll take to me. But, my husband has to be the one to go in and bring up the issue. If he doesn't, I"m not sure if the therapist does.

Hopeful mom

12/22/07 11:15pm

I just find my son's therapist to be a good resource on how to deal with certain behaviors. If he'll talk to you on the phone, maybe you could just call him and tell him what's going on and ask what's the best way to handle it.

They won't give you "confidential" information about what the client talks about but I have been given so many ideas and outside resources by her.

The therapist may be the best person to share your concerns with.

Take care of yourself and try not to worry. Get as much peaceful time for yourself as you can.

Confused

12/23/07 10:41pm

Thank you for your support. I'm not sure I know what "peaceful" time is, considering I also have a 2 year old girl who knows how to run mommy ragged!! Have a Happy Holiday!

Eric

12/21/07 5:56am

Straight up Honesty

It sounds like he is running a little low and feels that this might be too much on you. I know some will feel it’s a bit harsh but you need to be honest and truthful about your feelings with him so that you don’t get to the point of blowing up and saying get over it or get over yourself.

I can guarantee there is nothing you can say that he isn’t already thinking. By being vocal about how you feel will actually make it better because what you say most of the time will be less painful than allowing him to guess. I would say that he is at the point in his thoughts that it is too much on you, he is a burden and you are walking out the door of the relationship.

Don’t walk around on egg shells.

Confused

12/21/07 12:05pm

You are right. He totally feels like a burden. But that's something he has to deal with. There is nothing I can say or do that will make him think otherwise...and that's what's frustrating. I talk to his therapist and is always telling me that those feelings are ones he has to come to terms with and that's what they are working on. I just have a really hard time dealing with the aftermath of me being honest. The crying, the depression, the anger....in the end, instead of feeling good about being honest, I feel bad I ever braught it up.

Rose

12/21/07 3:01pm

I have been on your husband's end of things with my own bipolar illness. It is very difficult to come out of it as quickly as loved ones would like. It may seem we are consiously acting in an irritating way, but we are experiencing a mood that you couldn't make go away with one wish, like saying I wish my leg would stop hurting and then it did. You have to understand that people with mental illness would never wish any of these things upon us or anybody else. It is doubly painful that we are often aware of our behaviors, but unable to do anything about it and we see how much it strains our loved ones.

Confused

12/22/07 10:16pm

I hear what you are saying, Rose, but then what am I supposed to do to help? I take care of the household, our daughter, I work, make dinner every night, take care of his son on the weekends when he's too tired from working all week. I don't know what more to do. I listen when we talk but I feel strapped when I can't do anything to help him change the way he is feeling. He wants so much to get better, feel better, be a better person, but he struggles. When he struggles, I struggle. My support just doesn't seem to be enough along with everything else I do.

Judy

12/22/07 9:04am

You are pretty new to the bipolar arena, and it takes time to work on your relationship now that your husband has mental health issues.

DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) has and international support group system around the world, and there is likely one in your city or nearby. Depending on the city, they often have Family support groups as well. It's the best start I can think of that might make a good difference for you.

Sounds like you are already hanging in there despite very tough times. Your husband will come around, all bipolars do eventually, and will live with stability a good part of the time. He must EDUCATE himself about his illness...it's the key.

I speak from experience, and will keep you in my thoughts.

Judy

Confused

12/22/07 10:21pm

Judy,

Thank you for those words of wisdom. I will look into the support group. This was the first conncection I've found since we found out. My husband works third shift and sleeps most of the day. When he does take the time to educate himself, he looks at the points that say "Bipolar can destroy your family and relationships..." and dwells on the fact I might leave because he has the illness. He can not "look on the bright side" of anything. He doesn't read the part that says "There's help and relationships can work". I feel like it should be his responsibility to really look at the full picture. I mean, I can look up everything there is to know about BiPolar and print it out, but then I feel like I'm babying him and he's a grown man. And I am totally new at this whole thing. I mean, I knew he had baggage from his past, but I had no idea what I was in for....and now I love him too much to do anything but try and be there for him. When I am, and it doesn't help, it drains me of energy.

Judy

12/22/07 11:58pm

Just being there for your husband may be all that you can really do for him right now. Please do not try to do it all yourself, that would be impossible.

Take some time for yourself so that you don't burn out, and get yourself to some kind of support group. Tell your husband to go find one as well. It WILL make a difference.

Sounds like you have some educational resources available to you. The internet is great, but learn to differentiate the great from the not-so-great. This site is a very very good one where you can access many other resources.

Take care of yourself, so that you can betteer take care of your husband. Do you have children that have to deal with the bipolar issues as well?

Judy

Confused

12/23/07 10:46pm

My daughter is two. So, she wouldn't know the difference. To her, "Daddy sleepin, shhh" is mainly what she says. He works third shift and sleeps all day...and with overtime, he's even been sleeping a lot of the weekends away as well. I don't get much of a break for myself until she goes to bed...and sometimes that isn't until 9PM or 10PM...and even when she does her usual bedtime (8PM), I have work to do for my business, or emails to get back to, or straightening the house, walk the dog. Once in a while, I get a break, even I know I don't get enough. That's why I want to get to a support group. I have to wait until Wednesday to call...but I did check it out. Hopefully, I can find one close. My husband does therapy, and with his work schedule, he just can't find groups that are within the range to get there. He tends to miss a lot of his therapy appts because he's so exhausted from work. So...

Thank you again for your support. Have a wonderful holiday and I'll let you know what I find out on Wednesday.

Judy

12/24/07 7:22am

I look forward to hearing from you on Wednesday. Best of luck, with everything. Sounds like you are a very strong woman. Merry Christmas to you as well.

All the best,

Judy

Brian

2/19/08 5:19pm

Hi,

I have been on your husband's side of the fence. He is not going to look on the bright side. He is not going to be less clingy. Nothing will really help until this episode passes.

And I hope he is at least getting therapy and getting meds. The meds will mollify the worst of it. The therapy will help to unravel any delusions that he may have made and not realized it.

As for you, it is important for you to keep your distance as much as you need to. But at the same time it is also important that you pointedly tell him that you are not going anywhere. Repeat that as much as you are comfortable with, but it is important for him to hear it.

And watch for danger signs. If he talks about suicide get him to the hospital.

Confused

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