I have always suffered depression all my life and took anti-depressants but of course it did not take all the depression away. I still did not want to live at times.
This time one major thing after another. I was on FMLA at work for major depression and major anxiety. I was fired for my productivity not being up to par. I worked under a different Director within the same company last year and had not one problem, plus good reviews. I wanted to move up in the company so I applied for a Lead postition under another Director and manager. It has not been good sense, that was last March. My husband lost his business after 8 years. We are still trying to save our home. My husband found out he had some heart issues. His jobs were never steady due to this tough economy.
I was constantly worried I was going to get fired. The management was very rigid very tough even intimidating at times. My depression and anxiety got worse. I went to my family doc and she tried me on effexor and prozac. I still did not care if I was dead or alive. My counselor told me to see a phyciatrist and he diagnosed me with Bipolar 2. I don't get the really high mania's but boy do I fall into the deep depressions. Anyways shortly after I was fired for productivity. I tried everything I could to learn and keep help from the very beginning. I believe they already had their eye out on someone else. I wasn't getting the training they promised me. I finally stepped down from the position.
After I was on intermitant FMLA another gal went on FMLA. She asked me questions about it so I helped her get throught It. Two days before I was fired another gal took me to the side and said managment asked her if I told her about FMLA. She said no, her Dr. told her. I was fired two days later.
I think it was political. I know it's all about numbers especially in corporations. This was a Fortune 500 company. I understand you need to meet quotas but I believe you also have to take care of yourself. I asked for help in writing. I have copies. I filed a compliant with the EEOC and have a phone interview with them in June to see if there is a case.
I asked a friend of mine who worked under the other management and she told me her manager told her nobody met there quota.
Sorry about telling you all this, I just had to get it out. Do you think I am overeating? My phychiatrist told me that Bipoar can really come out when your under a lot of stress. I could not get out of this depression.
Anyhow I am on generic Lamital. I just increased it to 200mg yesterday. I take Alprazolam (Xanax) 3 0.5 mg every morning. Fluoxetine 40 mg twice a day and Klonopin 0.5 me two for bedtime. Last night I took 3 at 6pm because I was in so much pain I couldn't take it. I did not want to feel. This happened last Sunday and the rest of the week all things considering and then yesterday, same thing. I see my psychiatrist this Thursday. My insurance runs out on Friday.
I told my doctor I don't care if I get addicted to benziodiazapine, Xanax and Klonopin. Whats the point if I want to die?
Sounds like your on a lot of meds just like me. I would rather take meds than want to die all the time. Do you take the Klonopin and Seroquel at night togehter. I have some Seroquel also. Maybe I can take that too to relax.
I am glad I am finally diagnosed. People in AA would say get over it, or go to more meetings, quit feeling sorry for yourself, your not trying hard enough which all made me feel even worse. I can't believe I listened to that for 17 years. I just felt like a bad and weak person. I stay away from people like that now. My doc said it can take upto 7.5 years to be diagnosed properly.
Am I just feeling sorry for myself and making a big deal of this? Or am I justified in how this whole thing has effected me?
Published On: June 04, 2010
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