It has been a rough two days.

By Tommy Shelton Wednesday, July 09, 2008

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Has anyone ever felt an episode coming on? I don't know if this fits it but I have felt it for the past week more so for the past two days in the pit of my gut. I have become quiet and withdrawn from my family and not sleeping or eating. I just want to cry and be alone, I am fighting this with every fiber of my being to control it but it gets harder as the seconds tick by. This is very hard to talk about, my wife don't want to hear it anymore and she is about the only person I trust to talk to here. I don't know what to do at this point, I've tried to occupie myself but the feeling still dominates me. I feel rejected by my wife and at this point ready to go home to Va, I hate it there.I don't feel like I belong anywhere right now. Just want to give up and say the hell with it and go back on the road and go to work, forget the meds be who I was for the last year and a half and that is not the answer I know but I feel so alone right now and whats the use. All I can think is that I'm a reject and who wants me around. I'm so tired of battling this thing I just wish that I could have one day of a normal healty person, God could have the rest to do what he pleases with, Maybe cure a child that has cancer! I don't know anymore, love you guys!!!!!!!

Its been a few days

Comments (8) | Add comment

Scarlett

7/ 9/08 2:44pm

I am new to this forum, or just found it. But I totally identify. I always feel my episodes coming on. I take Paxil and Lamictal and clonopin when I need it. But my Psychiatrist thinks I need to go up on my lamictal to 150 then 200mg. I am on 100mg. He took me down to 30 mg on my paxil. Maybe going up would help. I struggle with lack of energy. But when I feel good, I have loads of energy. So I am up and down all the time. The lamictal has helped but I still have days or weeks where I just want to sit and do nothing. It is like a big weight is on me. I do think staying on my meds and doing a little something each day, when I am in my low moods helps a bit.

HeyJude

7/ 9/08 4:35pm

Tommy...Many, many of us know just what you are going through. It's like you cannot trust your brain, a feeling that can leave us scared, angry and helpless.

I can certainly identify. I've been experiencing a change in mood for the past 3 weeks and sometimes get very frustrated. I even saw a therapist yesterday, something I haven't done in two years. Also, I've been going to support group again, after a long absence. There are no easy answers, I just keep plugging away, doing whatever I can whenever I can. Still have some totally down days. It's not easy but it's worth the fight.

You have a family that supports you, even though it's hard for them to understand. And I know what you mean about them just not wanting to hear it any more. I have the same situation.

Keep sharing here - there are plenty of us that will offer support. Join a support group if you haven't already, Keep plugging away - things WILL improve...I speak from experience. And if all else fails, just go fishin'.

Judy

Eric

7/10/08 6:14am

Hey Tom,

Yes we do know when it’s coming on and it’s what we do with this information that counts. Even with what is coined as stable, we still experience the highs and lows, but to a much lower degree. You should be on the phone with your psychiatrist letting them know what you are experiencing and allow them to adjust and compensate.

Most psychiatrists will want to see you every two weeks while making changes and point out early on if you start to feel something is wrong to get yourself back in sooner. They can’t force you to make that call or show up…that up to you. So my suggestion is to be the responsible one and not look at it as a failure of getting your but back in for a adjustment.

Rosebud

7/15/08 2:50pm

We all know how you feel and how frustrated you are right now. There are no easy answers or quick fixes. What works for me (like distractions) won't work for you. It might help to set one little goal for yourself each day ... may it'll be just going outside and walking around in your yard or neighborhood. Just one thing that'll get you though your day. You have to take care of yourself ... eat good things, listen to upbeat music and try to get some sleep. I KNOW it's hard and believe me, I can't always do it either. Call your pdoc and tell him how your feeling. There is no shame in reaching out and having your meds tweeked. So many things make up our moods from outside influences and stresses, to what we eat, to our thoughts and even in the music we listen to. Just reach out for help. Your local hospital's Public Relations Dept. might be able to set you up with a support group or a therapist. Oh and about your wife .... she really does care more than you realize. It's just right now everything in your world looks dull and gray. Keep posting cause it'll help to get things out.

tmcd

7/15/08 9:59pm

T I agree with the comments before. I certainly can understand what's happening and roughly when. But I didn't know that 2 years ago and I was subject to the mood pendulum. Getting in touch with your psyc is a good idea and I would suggest that you find a therapist and commit to seeing this person at least once a week at first. Just having a place to vent, a person who not only listens but understands the disease is, I've found, a great comfort and source self awareness. As for your wife, she probably doesn't really understand the disease and more importantly doesn't know what to do help. Hence her frustration.

I hope that you don't do anything that you'd come out of this depressive situation. And don't stop your meds.

Good luck friend

tami

7/25/08 12:30am

Yes I can feel the episodes coming on. First I practically do not sleep and am very restless. The anxious kicks it, I disengage from my husband and kids. I either do not eat or binge eat. Then the flood gates of emotion, after this I do not remember much until I am better. I am a wonderful family and husband who although fustrated at times, he understands that this is who I am and if I could change it I would. I now have a 24 son that has been diganosed with Clinical Depression and Bipolar II. The stress of dealing with the Military in regards to my son (the military does not have a clue on bipolar or depression in any form) is starting to take a toll on me. As soon as I see what is happening I increase my Meds with in the alloted amount prescribed by my doctor. I then give me Meds to my husband to pass out to me. He makes sure that I am taking the appropriate doses and not more then that. I have been in very bad places in the past and while I am still me, I take the appropriate precautions. With Medication and time, hopefully the episode will be short one. Like can be good in between episodes and they do not come as frequent if I can keep my stress on control. The older I get (46) stress seems to be my trigger.

Bigmamoo

7/27/08 8:44pm

If it helps at all I am feeling exactly the same. I was diagnosed 3 years ago with bi polar II. Sometimes I think I don't have it and I want to go off my meds. I tried it once and let me tell you I need it. My husband is not sympathatic. he has been mad at me since march when he found out I almost sent us into financial ruins with my shoppping sprees. $78,000 credit card debt accumulated over the past 4 years. He didn't have a clue. I was robbing peter to pay paul then using cash advances to live. He took over the checking as he should of years ago. I deserve him to mad at me. I know this. It's really making me feel super shitty about myself. I can't snap out of this bad spell I have been in since last week. I can't sleep. I wish I couldn't eat. Unfortunatley for me I am about 50 pounds overweight. This makes me sad too. Everyday I wake up and feel like I am shaking apart. I hate shaking. I feel scared all the time and very very lonely. Like my husband doesn't even like me any more. I feel like I don't like him either. It has to pass. That's all I know

Stormfuries

7/29/08 6:36pm

Yep, probably the one true thing we all share is the ability to feel the episodes beginning...you are NOT alone with this group. Be you BiPolar I, II, etc... we all have 1 thing in common we are the best pharmacists walking the planet when it comes to our specific illnesses.

You know you shouldn't go off your your meds.; but we'll be happy to remind you why you shouldn't anytime you like. :) Heck we've all gone through the same feelings at one time or another.

I don't mean to sound "tough" about your pain (being a psychologist with several illnesses has hardened me a bit); but I am sincerely sympathetic to what you are going through. See your "shrink", take your meds. and talk to someone...all of us will listen though I know it's not the same as LIVE support!!!

Every shrink I know would freak out for my saying this but the heck with them...Never Give Up, Never Give In, and Always Hope for Mania!!!

Blessed Be!

It has been a rough two days.

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