It's been a few days since I've been on here and still have racing thoughts and up and down hypomanic this is crazy. The soonest I can see my pdoc is the 14th of next month but I have one glimmer of light to get my mind off things at least alittle bit, helping others with bipolar, where the docs understand we do because we got it. I've been trying to keep busy and do things but I'm as motivated as a rock. One thing that happened to day is my grand son ended up in the ER throwing up and not looking to good, fell limp from being weak it left me feeling helpless and useless but I had to keep it hid for my wife because she was drawing off of my vibe and my reaction to things. All I wanted was to get the hell out of there and come home and hide in the basement, but I heald to gether till we got home and then is when I come unglued God I hated that by my self but it happens like that she knew something was wrong when I got quiet and didn't eat dinner. Things was a f5 again and it scared the pure hell out of me. I hated the feeling with a passion so out of control and things wont stop running through my head or slow down. I'm still running around in circles. I hate being bipolar and the rest of what goes with it, just one day is all I want to be normal, one day to be a normal human being. At this point I wont be returning to boilermaking again with the way I feel and the anxiety of it all I can't do it, all I can do is watch 8years go into the trash can . I'm soooooo disappointed in myself cause I let a bunch of good people down, my brothers and sisters whom I love to be around and work with, the family I raise hell with. It's said that we have two families the ones we raise and the ones we raise hell with! I can't deal with things very well right now it's just overwhelming and to many thoughts racing in my piss poor brain. All I can do is wait till tomorrow and see how it is going to be hopefully a new day and positive thoughts we'll see. Thank all of you in this community for the help it really is appreciated I'm at my wits end but can't give up ever, just trapped here. Love you guys and I'll be here!